Humor English Quotes

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? ~ Clarence Darrow

She ought to go down to the beach. It was Thursday, early closing, and it seemed ungrateful to live so close to the sea and never look at it for weeks on end. ~ Penelope Fitzgerald

An English gentleman never shines his shoes, but then nor does a lazy bastard. ~ Will Self

She was definitely the sort of girl who puts her hands over a husband's eyes, as he is crawling in to breakfast with a morning head, and says Guess who! ~ P.G. Wodehouse

You should have seen the look on your skull... ~ Rich Burlew

Cheer Up the worst is yet to come! ~ Barbara Johnson

The only thing I really missed was sitting next to one very extraordinary girl." I didn't think I was breathing anymore.

"She sounds wonderful." I tried some humor to shake off my nervousness.

"You have no idea. ~ Kristen Day

Show physical affection. Nothing says "I love you" like bearing the entirety of your spouse's weight. ~ Jesse Petersen

It's not the early bird that gets the worm, it's the one who knows to go outside after a rainstorm. ~ James Schannep

Oh I know what they say about us in town, and I say, the hell with them! I tell you, I don't give a damn. I have got to be an old woman in the twinkling of an eye, and it is sort of a relief, I can tell you. I do what I want to now. Last week I traded all our eggs for ice cream at Holden's Grocery. Now that I have shrunk down little as a child, I figure I might as well act like one. I don't care. I like ice cream. Juney does too. We like to put bourbon in it, and make ourselves a milkshake. ~ Lee Smith

It is possible that the city of London was initially named for ravens or a raven-deity. According to the Oxford Companion to the English Language, the designation comes from "Londinium," a Romanized version of an earlier Celtic name. But the word closely resembles "Lugdunum," the Roman name for both the city of Lyon in France and Leiden in the Netherlands. That Roman name, in turn, was derived from the Celtic "Lugdon," which meant, literally, "hill, or town, of the god Lugh" or, alternatively, " ... of ravens." The site of Lyon was initially chosen for a town when a flock of ravens, avatars of the god, settled there. Whether or not "Lugdunum" was the origin of "London," ravens were important for inhabitants of Britain for both practical and religious reasons. ~ Boria Sax

Communism will kill you quicker than a maraschino cherry ever will. ~ Stephan Eirik Clark

On various occasions, especially in trying to think of western American history in the context of the worldwide history of colonialism, it has struck me that much of the mental behavior that we sometimes denounce as ethnocentrism and cultural insensitivity actually derives less from our indifference or hostility than from our clumsiness and awkwardness when we leave the comfort of the English language behind ... [V]enturing outside the bounds of the English language exercises and stretches our minds in ways that are essential for getting as close as we can to the act of seeing the world from what would otherwise remain unfamiliar and alien perspectives. ~ Patricia Nelson Limerick

I've got a sweater." Ben pulled off his coat and held it out for her. "Here."
"Thanks, Ben. It's lovely and warm." Then she said, "Ben, I
I can tell you how I feel about
about everything. I think you're the best friend I've ever had. I
I'd lie down and die for you if you wanted me to."
"Honey," Ben said. "When I get you to lie down for me it won't be to die. ~ Madeleine L'Engle

And poor Mr. Bix!
Every morning at six,
poor Mr. Bix has his Borfin to fix!
It doesn't seem fair. It just doesn't seem right,
but his Borfin just seems to go shlump every night.
It shlumps in a heap, sadly needing repair.
Bix figures it's due to the local night air.
It takes him all day to un-shlump it.
And then ...
the night air comes back
and it shlumps once again!
So don't you feel blue. Don't get down in the dumps.
You're lucky you don't have a Borfin that shlumps. ~ Dr. Seuss

Really, it is unfair to say that English spelling is not an accurate rendering of speech. It is – it's only that it renders the speech of the 16th century. ~ Guy Deutscher

TEN [exploding]. Bright! He's a common ignorant slob. He don't even speak good English!
ELEVEN [slowly]. He doesn't even speak good English. ~ Sherman L. Sergel

I was hoping against hope he'd refill his Prozac so we could be in love again, but, sadly, that never happened. ~ Piper Faust

I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass. ~ Jim Butcher

Originally it had had two settings: Stun and Kill. These had proved inadequate against the ridiculously well-armored skin of monsters from particularly rough planets, so I'd found a way to tinker with the built-in limitations. The dial now had a third setting, labeled with the handwritten words 'Solve All Immediate Problems. ~ Yahtzee Croshaw

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time. ~ Howard Nemerov

He said he had an English degree, and I said, "I'm sorry to hear you're jobless." I need to network with people who encounter letters on a daily basis in math equations, not romantic poetry. ~ Jarod Kintz

Lhyn watched her with a smile. "You do realize that's your fourth cup and it's not even midmeal. Shouldn't you be starting a bit lower than full addict level?" "I am a full addict; what's the use in pretending? Besides, it's only three and a half cups. ~ Fletcher DeLancey

Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Nikki Sex

Hail a cab, please, Floote. I am going out."
"Are you certain that is wise, Miss? "
"To be wise, one might never leave one's room at all ~ Gail Carriger

There is nothing quite so gentle, deep, and irrational as running
and nothing quite so savage, so wild. ~ Bernd Heinrich

Grant didn't look like a sophomore - Grant looked like Brad Pitt's body double. ~ Ally Carter

The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or two. ~ Mark Twain

I plan on growing old much later in life, or maybe not at all. ~ Patty Carey, Rodeo Rider, 1913

With the English, nothing could save him from being the eternal outsider, not even love. ~ D.H. Lawrence

I'm giving pleasure to you. Don't interfere. ~ Olga Goa

Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick. ~ Nicole McKay

My mother's father taught English literature. When I was about ten or eleven, I could recite Macaulay's 'Lays of Ancient Rome.' While other kids were playing pedestrian war games, I'd be Horatius keeping the bridge. ~ Bernie Taupin

Brittany Ellis," Mrs. Peterson says, pointing to the table behind Colin. I unenthusiastically sit on the stool at my assigned place.
"Alejandro Fuentes," Mrs. Peterson says, pointing to the stool next to me.
Oh my God. Alex . . . my chemistry partner? For my entire senior year! No way, no how, SO not okay. I give Colin a "help me" look as I try to avoid a panic attack. I definitely should have stayed at home. In bed. Under the covers. Forget not being intimidated.
"Call me Alex."
Mrs. Peterson looks up from her class list and regards Alex above the glasses on her nose. ' Alex Fuentes," she says, before changing his name on her list. "Mr. Fuentes, take off that bandanna. I have a zero tolerance policy in my class. No gang-related accessories are allowed to enter this room. Unfortunately, Alex, your reputation precedes you. Dr. Aguirre backs my zero tolerance policy one hundred percent ... do I make myself clear?"
Alex stares her down before sliding the bandanna off his head, exposing raven hair that matches his eyes.
"It's to cover up the lice," Colin mutters to Darlene, but I hear him and Alex does, too.
"Vete a la verga," Alex says to Colin, his hard eyes blazing. "Collate el hocico."
"Whatever, dude," Colin says, then turns around. "He can't even speak English."
"That's enough, Colin. Alex, sit down." Mrs. Peterson eyes the rest of the class. "That goes for the rest of you, as well. I can't control what you do outside of ~ Simone Elkeles

Some logics get nervous breakdowns. Overloaded phone system behaves like frightened child. Mike did not have upsets, acquired sense of humor instead. Low one. If he were a man, you wouldn't dare stoop over. His idea of thigh-slapper would be to dump you out of bed - or put itch powder in pressure suit. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

Thomas' work. Abigail Thomas is one of our wisest, most beautiful writers; a writer whose stories and memoirs I have loved for a long time. She has an equally great eye, and heart, for what is true, and for what holds meaning and hope in our lives. Couple this with a brilliant, dark sense of humor, and you will see why every writer I know waits for each new book. Thomas has written ~ Anonymous

From where I'm sitting,
I AM the centre of the Universe! ~ Sebastyne Young

At moments like this he suspected that Hitler had been nothing but a harried bureaucrat and Satan himself a mental defective with a rudimentary sense of humor - the kind that finds feeding firecrackers wrapped in bread to seagulls unutterably funny. ~ Stephen King

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." ~ Tim Vine

The light at the end of the tunnel is another train heading straight for you. ~ Joey Green

He was a man of whom nearly everybody was a little afraid. Why this last was so can hardly be stated in definite words. There was a feeling, perhaps, that he knew a little too much about everybody. And there was a feeling, too, that his sense of humor was a curious one. ~ Agatha Christie

If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it. ~ George W. Bush

My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep. ~ Oscar Wilde

Herbs, vials, and crap," I grumble. "Where are the massive weapons and spirit fighting spears?"
"So impatient," Cooper says, mocking, and goes to pick up a tube filled with powder. "You know, these herbs and vials and crap are important."
"Yes, because crap always sounds necessary. ~ Brandy Nacole

Sometimes English football takes pride in having the lowest yellow-card count in Europe, but of course it will have if you can take someone's leg off and still not be booked. ~ Luis Suarez

Wraith snorted. "Cowards. Seriously. Who brings a gun to a knife fight? That's cheating."
"You don't have a gun?" Kynan asked.
Wraith made a face of digust. "It's not very sporting to shoot people."
"So you're saying that you didn't shoot the people who shot you?"
"Hell, yeah, I shot them. ~ Larissa Ione

Throughout our history, humanity has been plagued with questions, and also plagued with regular plagues. I don't know much about biology, so I can't speak to actual plagues. However, I can answer all kinds of questions: moral, ethical, job-related, child rearing, party etiquette, romantic, technological, stuff about boobs, and my three faves: How do I have sex with someone and not talk to them again?, Can you hit a kid for a very, very good reason?, and of course How do you get a self-righteous asshole to shut the fuck up, even if they're right? ~ Eugene Mirman

What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you. ~ Jackson Lanzing

We're like America's little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody. ~ Evan Wright

I was sick and tired of being an English actor who did a lot of American movies because I was cheap and good. ~ Daniel Craig

I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. Of course not, Ian. It's just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard. ~ Jeaniene Frost