Humor Cowboy Quotes

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco. ~ Will Rogers

I'm not here for a man," Trisha mumbled, her mood turning sour.

"Heard that too and you're wrong." Cindy huffed behind her. "I bet my new Gucci purse you'll be riding a cowboy and saving a horse before this trip is over. ~ Teresa Gabelman

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! ~ Bill Maher

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. ~ Chris Rock

Jesus Christ, is everyone on something because I want some of whatever it is, Will grumbled, reaching for George's arm and looping it through his. ~ Christina Lauren

You looked like the sexiest woman in the world."
"Well, in fairness, I am the sexiest woman in the world."
"And you're always right."
"You are so brilliant to recognize that. ~ Rachel Caine

Hearing old macho men, our uncles, calling themselves "Bra". Like women underwear. ~ Zukiswa Wanner

Crackers ... " a voice breathed out nehind us, "yesss ... "
Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep.
I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling.
"He dreams about food," he said. "A lot. ~ Alexandra Bracken

The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor equipment store like REI. These stores are well known for their abundance of white customers and their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only use once. ~ Christian Lander

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Baby, it's either laugh or cry and crying takes way too much energy. If you can't find humor in the shit life heaps on you, you really will grow miserable. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

True wealth is not what you have, it's what you're left with with when all you have is gone. ~ James Arthur Ray

Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours. ~ E.L. Doctorow

The Norwegian is a sober person. His relationship to God is somewhat like his relationship to the King. He believes that God (and the King) is quite all right - on the condition that He behaves like a proper Norwegian and doesn't believe he is anything special. The Norwegian doesn't say this outright, but he believes that God (and the King), in spite of everything, is no more than human.
The Norwegian wouldn't be surprised if, one day, he should see God (or the King) ahead of him in a bus queue, for ex., or on Karl Johansgate in Oslo. ~ Odd Borretzen

Google is so my bitch ~ Hannah Harrington

I don't think that because you die and move on to somewhere else that you lose your sense of humor. ~ Peter Jackson

Today I tried to pick up something I was standing on. It didn't work out well. ~ Peter James West

... Your back was in flames, that's why!"
I was surprised. "It was? Golly, I didn't feel it! It don't hurt. ~ S.E. Hinton

She's trying to sabotage all the magic holding this island together. But that would create a catastrophe for all of Hawaii."
"Well, that does it," Koko huffed. "As of today, she's off my Christmas card list. ~ Laurence Yep

I know what you're thinking. 'How the hell does this broke ass piece of trailer trash know words like caveat,' right? Well guess what? I've read every single book on the New York Times list of 'Top 100 Literary Classics,' not to mention every Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath or Bronte sisters' book ever written. And fuck you very much for judging me, by the way. ~ Isobel Irons

Are you kin to the Gallaghers or the Brennans?" Jill asked.
"Hell, no! If I was, I'd shoot myself in the head with this gun. ~ Carolyn Brown

Got it. Demon. Death. Doom. ~ Kami Garcia

It's often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong. ~ Lisa A. Tortorello

Presidents, whether things are good or bad, get the blame. I understand that. ~ George W. Bush

When a teacher is paying extra attention to your child, you believe that it's because you raised such an exceptional kid, one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of her booger-eating friends. ~ Drew Magary

(About having weird dreams when passing through gates between worlds)"Able has herd them complain about this before. Zayan once dreamed he had become a lasagna--to be specific, a lasagna with opinions about politics, frustrated about its inability to share these thoughts with a galaxy not yet ready to listen to pasta. ~ Claudia Gray

If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives. ~ Marlon Brando

Despite the fact that an Indonesian island chicken has probably had a much more natural life than one raised on a battery farm in England, people who wouldn't think twice about buying something oven-ready become much more upset about a chicken that they've been on a boat with, so there is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you've been introduced to socially. ~ Douglas Adams

Life is way too short to get lost, so follow the script the way it comes and keep changing the checkpoints on every page. ~ Neetesh Dixit

Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun! ~ Shannon L. Alder

To me, the magic of photography, per se, is that you can capture an instant of a second that couldn't exist before and couldn't exist after. It's almost like a cowboy that draws his gun. You draw a second before or after, you miss and you're dead - not them. To me, photography's always like that. ~ Mario Testino

I sincerely believe that the collective efforts of many secularists during the past generation, resulting in the expulsion from our schools and from the public square, has left us vulnerable. ~ Jerry Falwell

I met an angel in Morocco and all I got were these lousy scars. ~ Laini Taylor

Alternatively, anyone who favors Intelligent Design in lieu of evolution might pause to wonder why God devoted so much of His intelligence to designing malarial parasites. ~ David Quammen

Biological clock? I don't even own a watch. ~ Sarah Mlynowski

‪If the overuse of adjectives is frowned upon in writing, why are expletives - the ones commonly used as adjectives - embraced? ~ Carmen DeSousa

Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long. ~ Robert Staughton Lynd

In the harsh veracity of the real world, he was rich, successful, and one of the most desired bachelors in New York - and I was, well, me. A world I hoped wouldn't tear us apart by pointing out just how different our lives were.
"You're probably eager to get home," Jett whispered in my ear so the flight attendant serving coffee wouldn't hear us, "but will you stay with me one more night? I'm not quite ready to let this go. ~ J.C. Reed

I don't know about this here eternal marriage business. But it seems to me that if you can't live with the sons-of-bitches on earth the Lord won't force you to remain with them in heaven. ~ J. Golden Kimball

Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches ~ P.C. Cast

And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor. ~ Davy Jones

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. ~ Steven Wright

Such are the foolish dreams of idealistic children who believe that anything can possibly get better over time. ~ Joseph Fink

it's going great. Two months in, and I've created three apps."

"Apps?"

"For people who buy my book as an e-book --which will be everybody. The first is called Don't Look. It's for the overly sensitive. It blurs and turns the type red when a dog dies or a baby is born with a birth defect. Stuff like that. My second is It's Not Okay When You Say It, and it delivers an electrical zap if the reader laughs at a racial slur. My third is Jesus Thesaurus, which replaces explicit sexual language with church words. So, when one of my characters 'saints' a guy's 'disciple', He'll beg her to 'cavalry' his 'Baptists' and 'shout amen'. ~ Helen Ellis

What's it like? Ballet school?"
"Harsh," he said. "Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly. ~ Cassandra Clare