Katie Heaney Quotes

I was trying to seduce him just by being physically near him. Like, seduction by osmosis. It works in movies constantly.

Sex is not a wizard, whatever magical-seeming properties it might possess in its better forms. If your friend says to you, "You're being mean, you need to get laid," your problem is not sex. Your problems are that you might be acting like an asshole, and your friends are definitely idiots.

There were a couple of times when I hung out with a boy I liked and he paid for me and we were both single so I think those were dates, but then like a week later he had a girlfriend that wasn't me and I was cursing his very existence, so it's hard to say for sure.

We look the way most late-high-school, early-college-age kids look in pictures they take of one another: stupid. Stupid, and thrilled to be wherever it is that we are, with whoever we are with, right at that moment. Andy

These were decisions I had made all alone. It had taken time for them to feel right, but finally they did. In making them I had proven to myself that I could be trusted with my own future. I knew more than I gave myself credit for. As far as I could tell, I was alone in the universe. But there were worse places to look for answers than within myself.

You know those high school teachers who so quintessentially and stereotypically embody their subject matter that it is as if they were cast by a director? Mr. Carter was like that. I did not know they still made glasses like his glasses. He told us his dog was named "Dooty," short for Dooty Dexy, which is a phoneticized version of the calculus formula for second derivatives.

Before we get started, do you have any questions or concerns you want to go over?" I asked. Joanna had always said it was important to give celebrity clients the opportunity to complain about what you're doing before you even do anything. It makes them feel heard.

One of the great divides, I think, between people who date a lot and people who date never is that people who date never don't understand putting up with "fine." I can't begin to conceive of why anybody would voluntarily spend great chunks of her free time dedicated to someone she doesn't adore, because I never do that. My dater friends, on the other hand, do this all the time. I know this because I'm the one they meet up with after, and I'm the one who has to try to understand why my otherwise brilliant friends keep hanging out with people about whom they only have bad (or very, very mediocre) things to say. A person who has spent her life planning her free time based only on herself, and the friends she knows she loves, can't understand this. Why would I want to go out to dinner and a movie with someone I'm not completely crazy about when I already know how much I like eating dinner and watching a movie by myself, or with Rylee? Getting someone else involved means I have to put on a nicer outfit and stress out about the way I look chewing my food. If I'm going to have to consider my chewing face, I only want to do it for someone I think I might be able to really like. I know that might make it harder for me. I know there is a possibility - a very little one, though, that I have a hard time really believing in - that chemistry can grow where there wasn't any to begin with. I know that if I don't put myself out there, I won't just answer my door someday to find my perfect spo

Advice and support are hard things to give. It can be particularly difficult thing to do when you know (or not "know," but strongly believe with good reason) your good friend's relationship is going nowhere, but she continues to believe she and her boyfriend are soul mates anyway, even though she cries at least three times a week about something he's done.

If there were one sentence that explained everything you feel right now, what would it be?" I thought about it for a second. "I fucking hope that everyone dies.

This is THE most romantic thing that has ever happened to me, and it involves both drugs and a toilet.

A friend of mine once told me a month is about how long it takes to begin seeing another person as another person instead of a character making a cameo appearance in your life

Roger that," he said. "No tweets, no grams, no carrier pigeons.

When I'd see him I'd look at him, then look away, then look at him again. I never got closer than twenty feet, which is about how far out my anti-flirtation force field has extended since the beginning of my life.

When I was twenty, in the summer between my sophomore and junior years in college, I fell head over heels for a barista at my local coffee shop. His name was Sam, and he is the most beautiful boy I have ever seen - in any context - and I can promise you that if you saw him, he'd be the most beautiful boy you've ever seen, too. His good looks were beyond the court of public opinion. He looked like the result of a magical gay union between Patrick Dempsey and Freddie Prinze Jr. Think about that for a few minutes. Close the book and set it aside, then close your eyes, and just think about that. I will wait here. I'm actually going to take a few minutes to think about him, too. All right. Calm down.

There must come a time, after you've been online dating for months or even years, when you feel your spirit leaving your body. You'll stay online, but you won't even know why. You'll still sign in and look at people's profiles, just to pass the time, but you won't think of them as humans any longer. They might look like people, but then so do you, and you know that all you are anymore is a shell. You'll start flailing.

Suddenly it all looked so ... heterosexual.

Yogurt and drunk kissing - these are things that I, as a woman, feel I should be enjoying more.

I just had never occured to me to think that anything inherent to me was to blame for the things that went wrong (or the things that never even happened at all) with the other guys before him. Maybe it was all the time I'd had to decide I was cool and good and worthy without anyone else's help.

She was saying she was sorry that she couldn't always hang out when I wanted to, but that "when you get a boyfriend," he becomes the only person you want to spend all your time with. He becomes your best friend, and (this part was not said, but was definitively implied) the only friend that really matters. "You'll know what I mean, when you get one," she said. So that's when I gripped my upper jaw and pulled back the skin and muscle of my face to reveal an alien, like the one in the film Alien, and I jumped through the glass in Leigh's window and ate every boyfriend in the city, and the country, and the world. I swallowed them whole, and many of them cried, and those were the ones I liked best.

I didn't know it yet, but he would become one of our high school's super-athletes. There were hints of athletic (and, presumably, sexual) prowess there. For one, boys as ridiculously Abercrombie- esque good-looking as he was are always sports stars throughout high school. It is a rule, a self- fulfilling prophecy. It seems as if, sometime during elementary school, coaches make note of the little boys with the most classic bone structure and the best height projections and kidnap them, training them under cover of night. Not all of them will make it in college ball (that's what people call it, right?) because by the time they're all seniors, many of them will have been riding more on the sportsman-like nature of their faces than their actual abilities. But until that day, coaches will keep putting them on the field in the most prominent and visually appealing positions because they just kind of look like that's where they should be. At least I'm pretty sure that is what's going on.

This is what I have held against boyfriends all my life: that they are the people who steal your best friends away from you piece by piece, and when they give them back (if they ever do), it is only when they have made your best friends sadder and more heartbroken than when they were first taken. Because that's what it looks like, from here. It had to be his fault, because how could someone who is my best friend ever really choose to see me less and less until we see each other almost not at all? This is what I believed: Best friends, if only by virtue of you calling them your "best friend," just don't do that.
But they do.

I'm not trying to be self-righteous about that, but I am literally the best friend a person could ask for and I am a good listener and anybody who doesn't want to be my friend should take a long, hard look at him/herself and whisper, What is wrong with me? Why was I born without the capacity to love?

I keep myself to myself.

It doesn't matter how simple your name is; it's always a surprise to hear it spoken aloud by someone new, how the specific arrangement of syllables sounds coming out of their mouth.

I'd been made to "play it by ear," which in my experience means that several things will go wrong and I won't be allowed to get mad about it.

Maintenance of peaceful group relations is VERY important to us authoritative single people. It's because we care, and maybe just a little because we're afraid of uncontrollable events.

When I told Jamie I loved her for the first time, it meant something different from the last time I told her I loved her. But both times, and every time in between, it was true. I felt it in my bones. Sometimes I felt that love still knocking around my body. It was like a fish, once granted an entire ocean to swim in, now restricted to a tiny bowl. Still, it moved within me.

I am obviously not a patient person.

We talked just enough for me to know that I was basically in love, but not enough for me to know any real information about him, except for the fact that he had incredible cheekbones - which is really all I needed to know anyway, right? A good set of cheekbones can take care of me, encourage me, make me laugh, raise my children.

Something that is very hard to learn and accept about real life is that a lot of people, a surprising number of people, don't really care about anyone but themselves. They pretend to care, and they can go through the motions a little bit for a little while, but when real and sad things happen that last longer than a few days, they lose interest fast. It is best to not have these people be your best friends, because they are terrible. Unfortunately, they are everywhere, and, to make things worse, they sometimes procreate.

I have a weird need to Google the heights of celebrities I have crushes on to make sure they are at least my height or taller.

There are a lot of things wrong with this particular approach to getting your girlfriend to agree to reenter a relationship with you. Probably the biggest problem is that it's a PowerPoint presentation.

There are the boys for whom the ink of a million glittery gel pens was spilled.

Lighthouse people are beacons that call all the sailors in ships back to land, beckoning them in toward the light. Lighthouse people are magnetic and luminescent, so much so that even when one sailor manages to row all the way to land and climbs up into the lighthouse, the rest of the sailors will stay out there on the water, waiting for their chance to come to shore. They will feel that it's always best to keep an eye on the lighthouse, even if they have to come and go due to other sailorly obligations. The lighthouse might act like it doesn't know it's so popular with the sailors, but it does. How could it not? Even if the lighthouse has a special sailor for the moment, its light is always on. It can't help it.

Why would I want to go out to dinner and a movie with someone I'm not completely crazy about ... getting someone else involved means I have to put on a nicer outfit and stress out about the way I look chewing my food. If I'm going to have to consider my chewing face, I only want to do it for someone I think I might be able to really like.

Bad girls don't feel the need to act the way girls are "supposed" to act. They don't wear pretty clothes or subtle pink makeup or waves in their hair. They talk back, often and loudly. They are viciously honest and witty and mean. They are independent and tough.

My darling, patient friends tell me that I'm still single only because I'm picky, and because I haven't met the right person yet. This would feel truer if I hadn't been shut down by quite so many wrong people that I, despite my allegedly high standards, chased after.

They all knew who "Alpha Omega" stood for, too. I'd ask every girl who she had a crush on, and she wouldn't tell me, and she'd ask me who I had a crush on, and I'd say, "Ohhh, haha, well, I call him Alpha Omega." Then she'd say, "Who is that," and I'd tell her right away, because I can't keep my own secrets secret. (Obviously.) It sort of undid the whole point of having a code name in the first place. But your first mistake was thinking that anything I did in high school would ever make sense.

I have always chosen my friends from a silent distance, picking them out after a short observation period and only then attempting to get to know them.

It was different than all the rest because I say it was. I felt it was.

If you only ever like people you don't know and who don't know you, the ball is perpetually in their court. Only they don't realize that you think they're playing basketball with you. They are not actually at the court. You think you're there. But really you're not there, either.

Falling in love is totally unimaginable to me. I think maybe the best things often are.

It has often been hard for me to know if people are serious when they talk about making T-shirts. Just to be clear: Nobody ever means it, ever. Making and wearing matching, themed T-shirts is embarrassing. Unless you want to make some with me right now, or something.

My sexuality - however "late" it had come to me, however it had shifted (and might shift again) - was real, and worthy. It was okay that I didn't have a word for it, or a story that made sense to other people. I gave myself permission to meet my heart where it was.

You always forget that it's impossible to grieve every minute of the day. You always forget that a mourning period can include laughter, but just because it's there it won't mean that you're really okay.

We went into the laser tag room, paranoid, delirious, and shot at one another. It was a little like Lord of the Flies but with more 98 Degrees.

As someone who lives in any other part of the country, you see New York depicted so often and so prettily that it's hard not to get there, take one look around you, and think 'This is it?

I am often wrong about the good of humanity.