Humor Age Quotes

Face it girls. I'm older and I have more insurance. ~ Fannie Flagg

By my rambling digressions I perceive myself to be growing old. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. ~ Milton Friedman

From an early age onward, it was said that 'Ingmar has no sense of humor.' ~ Ingmar Bergman

I always valued my reading skills as highly as I did my basketball skills. In college and in the N.B.A., I read at every opportunity. When age diminished my basketball skills and I retired, I still had everything I'd learned through reading: knowledge of the world and its history, an aptitude for critical thinking and the ability to write. ~ Kareem Abdul -Jabbar

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism. ~ Chelsea Handler

I can't go on, I'll go on. ~ Samuel Beckett

With age comes self-awareness, or something that looks like self-awareness, and so I try to be on the lookout for patterns of behavior, choices I'm making where I'm trying too hard, giving too much, reaching too intently for being right when right is what someone else wants me to be. It's scary, though, trying to be yourself and hoping yourself is enough. It's scary believing that you, as you are, could never be enough. ~ Roxane Gay

Beware of a man who can clear their conscience of any immoral act by simply confessing and asking forgiveness from their imaginary friend. ~ Sam Eriakha

Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?'
'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.'
'The dog did nothing in the night-time.'
'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes. ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb. ~ Russell Howard

Our lazy embrace of Stewart and Colbert is a testament to our own impoverished comic standards. We have come to accept coy mockery as genuine subversion and snarky mimesis as originality. It would be more accurate to describe our golden age of political comedy as the peak output of a lucrative corporate plantation whose chief export is a cheap and powerful opiate for progressive angst and rage. ~ Steve Almond

After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry. ~ Pope Benedict XVI

What surprises me is that I did not talk for One and a Half Year....when I was born....I can still feel the claustrophobia of those times and now vent out my thoughts all the time !!:-) ~ Abha Maryada Banerjee

One of the duties of old-age, is the management of time. The less that remains to us, the more valuable we ought to consider it. ~ Anne-Therese De Marguenat De Courcelles

So what if I don't learn algebra?'
'Someday schools will be open again,' Mom said. 'Things will be normal. You need to do your work now for when that happens.'
'That's never going to happen,' Jon said. 'And even if schools do open up somewhere, they're not going to open up here. There aren't enough people left.'
'We don't know how many people are like us, holed up, making do until times get better.'
'I bet whoever they are, they aren't studying algebra,' Jon said. ~ Susan Beth Pfeffer

Our ignorance of history makes us vilify our own age. ~ Gustave Flaubert

Proper nutrition is one of the most fundamental things on which anyone's healthy and happy life can be based.
If you want to radically change your being for the better, to feel satisfied about who you are, or to look slim and attractive no matter what age is stated in your passport, start with changing unhealthy eating habits to healthy ones - and make them your favorites. ~ Sahara Sanders

You're not even that hot from this close. If I could take it back, trust me, I would. You are nothing like what I thought you'd be."
"Thanks," I drawled. "And here I was hoping you were in love with me."
Another fake smile. "I don't to love, and you're not my type anyway, sorry."
Like I'd believe that after I saw the pictures she'd taken of me half-naked. "My heart is fucking broken, sweetheart."
"As it should be, and don't call me sweetheart."
I chuckled and shook my head. The nerve. ~ Ella Maise

Once upon a time, one looked to society
or class, or community
for one's normative vocabulary: what was good for everyone was by definition good for anyone. But the converse does not hold. What is good for one person may or may not be of value or interest to another. Conservative philosophers of an earlier age understood this well, which was why they resorted to religious language and imagery to justify traditional authority and its claims upon each individual.
But the individualism of the new Left respected neither collective purpose nor traditional authority: it was, after all, both new and left. What remained to it was the subjectivism of private
and privately-measured
interest and desire. This, in turn, invited a resort to aesthetic and moral relativism: if something is good for me it is not incumbent upon me to ascertain whether it is good for someone else
much less to impose it upon them ("do your own thing"). ~ Tony Judt

In every age of transition men are never so firmly bound to one way of life as when they are about to abandon it. ~ Bernard Levin

Our conversations are never easy, but as I-we-get older, we are finding that our conversations must bespoken. A need burns inside us to share with others what we are feeling Beyond a certain age, sincerity ceases to feel pornographic. It is as though the coolness that marked out youth is itself a type of retrovirus that can only leave you feeling empty. Full of holes. ~ Douglas Coupland

When did you become a woman?"-Hatori
How dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times ... "-Yuki
GASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean ... " fan club girls
NO! He's my doctor ... "Yuki ~ Natsuki Takaya

The Beast Lord walked out of the warehouse. The screen went dark.
My knight in furry armor.
Saiman opened his mouth. This is why I didn't. Personally, I think your smile is inappropriate. ~ Ilona Andrews

You're a dumb shit. There's a million first girls for a million different first things.
There's the first girl you slow-dance with, and the first girl you go to bed with. There's the first girl to give you a kiss, and then the first one you take home to mama." His amber eyes lit up with humor.
"There's the first girl you fight with and the first girl you fight for. There's also the first girl you have to let go of. There's the first girl you love, obviously, and the first girl to break your heart.
There's always a first girl, Rowdy, but there is also the girl that is going to come after her until you get to the last girl.
The last girl is the one that really matters. ~ Jay Crownover

Here, too, I recognized-easily, from firsthand experience, since this kind of thing happened at my age-the heat of the moment, the very instant you knew you should be feeling something but, for various reasons, partly due to inexperience, partly to a desynchronized, muddled teenage constitution, this emotion, however hard you tried to express it, stayed uncomfortably stuck in your heart, only half there and only half felt, just like my love for that girl across the street, the feeling I was trying to coax out of myself the way you might squeeze a toothpaste tube you'd decided to roll from the bottom up but that, distracted, and in a rush, you finally ended up pressing any which way. ~ Jean-Christophe Valtat

During the ice age, many animals died of cold, so the porcupines decided to band together to provide one another with warmth and protection. But their spines or quills kept sticking into their surrounding companions, precisely those who provided most warmth. And so they drifted apart again. And again many of them died of cold. They had to make a choice: either risk extinction or accept their fellow porcupines' spines. Very wisely, they decided to huddle together again. They learned to live with the minor wounds inflicted by their relatives, because the key to their survival was that shared warmth. ~ Paulo Coelho

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed. ~ Stephen King

He'd done his walls with paint from Holy Basil. God, I yearned for their colors. I hadn't been able to afford them myself but I knew their color chart like the back of my hand. His hall was done in Gangrene, his stairs in Agony and his living room
unless I was very much mistaken
in Dead Whale. Colors I personally very much approved of. ~ Marian Keyes

When do you bleed a patient?"
The question brought me up short. "When I want him to die?" I asked dubiously. ~ Patrick Rothfuss

USA is suffering between imperialists and anti-imperialists. That is the situation. The most powerful country in the world is on its way back to the Stone Age. ~ Gore Vidal

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. ~ Rita Rudner

The past but lives in written words: a thousand ages were blank if books had not evoked their ghosts, and kept the pale unbodied shades to warn us from fleshless lips. ~ Francois Fenelon

That bitch fate had a nasty sense of humor. ~ Lorelei James

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home. ~ James A. Michener

What is the world coming to, when you can't even trust a rogue vicar and her demon lover? ~ Simon R. Green

I grew up on the golden age of children's TV. ~ Edward Norton

Barack insisted that we pay for everything ourselves, using what we'd saved from his book royalties. As long as I've known him, he's been this way: extra-vigilant when it comes to matters of money and ethics, holding himself to a higher standard than even what's dictated by law. There's an age-old maxim in the black community: You've got to be twice as good to get half as far. As the first African American family in the White House, we were being viewed as representatives of our race. Any error or lapse in judgment, we knew, would be magnified, read as something more than it was. ~ Michelle Obama

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. ~ John Updike

Such bees! Bilbo had never seen anything like them.
"If one were to sting me," He thought "I should swell up as big as I am! ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can't you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? ~ Joseph Smith Jr.

Edward was always a good listener, since his own form of self-expression then consisted in making uneartly and to me quite meaningless sounds on his small violin. I remember him, at the age of seven, as a rather solemn, brown-eyed little boy, with beautiful arched eyebrows which lately, to my infinite satisfaction, have begun to reproduce themselves, a pair of delicate question-marks, above the dark eyes of my five-year-old son. Even in childhood we seldom quarrelled, and by the time that we both went away to boarding-school he had already become the dearest companion of thos brief years of unshadowed adolescence permitted to our condemned generation. ~ Vera Brittain

In those early days of our relationship though, I always thought that she was so perfect that there had to be a catch. But there wasn't one. Five months and two days after our very first meeting, we were engaged and nine months after that we were married. And every day that I spent on this planet in the company of Ashling, I experienced the same sense of euphoria that I had tasted on our first date. I experienced something that in its simplest form can only be described as true love. ~ Ronan O'Brien

My friend has never been to a picture show, nor does she intend to: "I'd rather hear you tell the story, Buddy. That way I can imagine it more. Besides, a person my age shouldn't squander their eyes. When the Lord comes, let me see him clear." In addition to never having seen a movie, she has never: eaten in a restaurant, traveled more than five miles from home, received or sent a telegram, read anything except funny papers and the Bible, worn cosmetics, cursed, wished someone harm, told a lie on purpose, let a hungry dog go hungry. Here are a few things she has done, does do: killed with a hoe the biggest rattlesnake ever seen in this county (sixteen rattles), dip snuff (secretly), tame hummingbirds (just try it) till they balance on her finger, tell ghost stories (we both believe in ghosts) so tingling they chill you in July, talk to herself, take walks in the rain, grow the prettiest japonicas in town, know the recipe for every sort of oldtime Indian cure, including a magical wart remover. ~ Truman Capote

I'm feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another. ~ Christopher Moore

It wasn't a case of me sitting down and thinking, right then, what shall I do with my life? Airline pilot? Plumber? Guitar manufacturer? Writer ... yeah, writer. I've always loved writing, from a very early age
I guess I was writing my first stories when I was still in single digits. It progressed, and the love of writing grew in my mind and is still growing. Doing it full-time, there are different stresses and tensions, and the business side of it comes to the fore sometimes. But I still love it, and I'm always thankful that I can do what I do and make a living from it. ~ Tim Lebbon

the Japanese always ate half-cooked rice and had marvellous brains in consequence. ~ Agatha Christie

Believe me; there's nothing clean, nothing healthy, nothing promising about this age of wonders - except the telling. ~ Henry Miller

Sir U__ fell down from a speeding train,
Which did some damage to his brain,
And after that he did not know
How to pronounce the letter O. ~ Edward Gorey

Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently. ~ Colleen Houck

To have the spirit of youth and the wisdom from age. Is to have used the eternal fountain of life within our very souls. Not for an instant but for a lifetime. Amen. ~ Ivan Alexander Pozo-Illas

You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually. ~ Eoin Colfer

Oh, and I need to known where Jersey is and if I have enough money to buy it. ~ Anna Banks