Artemis Fowl Quotes

Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said. ~ Eoin Colfer

Trust me. I haven't been wrong yet. ~ Eoin Colfer

Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.
Artemis Fowl ~ Eoin Colfer

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up. ~ Eoin Colfer

But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart. ~ Eoin Colfer

She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.'
'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.'
'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly. ~ Eoin Colfer

Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do. ~ Eoin Colfer

You need to stop thinking with your head, Mud Boy, and start thinking with your heart.
Artemis sighed. The heart was an organ for pumping oxygen-rich blood to the cells. It could no more think than an apple could tap-dance. ~ Eoin Colfer

Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."
Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"
Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll."
"Really?" Argon was interested now.
"No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."
Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual. ~ Eoin Colfer

So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis.
"And a T-shirt. ~ Eoin Colfer

Orion brightened. "I have an idea."
"Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.
"Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other. ~ Eoin Colfer

Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.
"Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction. ~ Eoin Colfer

The boy who kidnapped Holly Short all those years ago would never have entertained the notion of sacrificing himself. But he was no longer that boy. His parents were restored to him, and he had brothers. And dear friends. Something else Artemis had never anticipated. ~ Eoin Colfer

Jon Spiro might have "stuff " that the military didn't have, but Artemis Fowl had "stuff " that humans had never seen. ~ Eoin Colfer

Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient. ~ Eoin Colfer

Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."
The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing.
I hate you, centaur!" screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she collapsed, snoring, on the floor.
Artemis straightened his tie.
Freud, he was certain, would have a field day with that. ~ Eoin Colfer

Certain battles were won by retreating. ~ Eoin Colfer

HOLLY: Are you suggesting I occasionally stray from the rule book?
FOALY: No. I'm suggesting you do not own a copy of the rule book, and if you do, you have certainly never opened it. ~ Eoin Colfer

They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enlightened. ~ Eoin Colfer

Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselves did nothing to debunk. They had somehow got it into their heads that each fairy lugged around a pot of gold with him wherever he went. While it was true that LEP had a ransom fund, because of its officers' high-risk occupation, no human had ever taken a chunk of it yet. This didn't stop the Irish population in general from skulking around rainbows, hoping to win the supernatural lottery. ~ Eoin Colfer

It looks like you've found an intellectual equal, Mulch," said Holly. "It's a pity he isn't a girl; then you could marry him."
Mulch imitated shock. "Romance outside your species. Now THAT's disgusting. What kind of weirdo would kiss someone when they weren't even part of the same species? ~ Eoin Colfer

A metaphorical weight lifted from his allegorical chest and Artemis Fowl felt himself again. ~ Eoin Colfer

Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition. ~ Eoin Colfer

Gold is power-artemis fowl I liked the artemis fowl series because its about a boy genius ~ Eoin Colfer

This might hurt a little is universal code for this will definitely hurt a lot ~ Eoin Colfer

I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile."
" ... Where's all the loot?"
"That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart."
Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four.
"You were here to rob me!"
"No, I wasn't. How dare you?! ~ Eoin Colfer

He still retained a childlike belief in magic, tempered by an adult determination to exploit it. ~ Colfer Eion

Maybe I owe you something too, human," she said, drawing her pistol. Butler almost reacted, but decided to give Holly the benefit of the doubt.

Captain Short plucked a gold coin from her belt, flicking it fifty feet into the moonlit sky. With one fluid movement, she brought her weapon up and loosed a single blast. The coin rose another fifty feet, then spun earthward. Artemis somehow managed to snatch it from the air. The first cool movement of his young life.

"Nice shot," he said. The previously solid disk now had a tiny hole in the center.

Holly held out her hand, revealing the still raw scar on her finger. "If it wasn't for you, I would have missed altogether. No mech-digit can replicate that kind of accuracy. So, thank you too, I suppose."

Artemis held out the coin.

"No," said Holly. "You keep it, to remind you."

"To remind me?"

Holly stared at him frankly. "To remind you that deep beneath the layers of deviousness, you have a spark of decency. Perhaps you could blow on that spark occasionally."

Artemis closed his fingers around the coin. It was warm against his palm.

"Yes, perhaps. ~ Eoin Colfer

Orion nodded, then asked, "Dwarf cheese?"
"Cheese made by dwarfs."
"Oh," said Orion, relieved. "They make it. It's not actually ... "
"No. What a horrible thought."
"Exactly. ~ Eoin Colfer

Ah, yes, the trusty time paradox. If I go back in time and kill my grandfather, then shall I cease to exist? I believe, as Gorben and Berndt did, that any repercussions are already being felt. We can only change the future, not the past or present. If I go back, then I have already been back.
- Artemis Fowl ~ Eoin Colfer

Are you saying that you people knew about these amorophobots all the time?"
"Of course we did. They attacked us in Iceland. Remember?"
"No. I was unconscious. ~ Eoin Colfer

I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ... ah ... butler, has a Sig Saucer in his shoulder holster, two shrike-throwing knives in his boots, aderringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch, and three stun greanades concealed in variouse pockets. Anything else, Butler? ~ Eoin Colfer

You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually. ~ Eoin Colfer

Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both? ~ Eoin Colfer

(to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push it with your face! ~ Eoin Colfer

Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them. ~ Eoin Colfer

Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right. ~ Eoin Colfer

Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only been set one task. A hundred applicants were handed a walnut and asked to smash it however they could. Only two succeeded. Pex had shouted at the walnut for a few minutes, then flattened it between his giant palms. Chips had opted for a more controversial method. He placed the walnut on the table, grabbed is interviewer by the ponytail, and used the man's forehead to smash the nut. Both men were hired on the spot. They quickly established themselves as Arno Blunt's most reliable leiutenants for in-house work. They were not allowed outside Chicago, as this could involve map reading, something Pex and Chips were not very good at. ~ Eoin Colfer

Pizza, pizza,
Fill up your face,
The thicker the pastry,
The better the base! ~ Eoin Colfer

There will be consequences for this, he thought. You can't alter time and not be affected. But whatever the consequences are, I will bear them, because the alternative is too terrible. -Artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony ~ Eoin Colfer

Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team ~ Eoin Colfer

Why can't I solve this problem by killing someone? she though petulantly, then comforted herself with the mantra that had kept her going in prison: "Soon all the humans will be dead," she said, droning in the time-honored fashion of gurus everywhere. "And then Opal will be loved."
And even if I'm not loved, she thought, at least all the humans will be dead. ~ Eoin Colfer

Very well, I promise. So, what did you get for me?" Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans." "What?" croaked Artemis. "And a T-shirt" ... Artemis took several breaths. "Does the T-shirt have any writing on it?" A rustling of paper crackled through the phone's speakers. "Yes, it's so cool. There's a picture of a boy who for some reason has no neck and only three fingers on each hand, and behind him in this sort of graffiti style is the words RANDOMOSIY. I don't know what that means but it sounds really current." Randomosity though Artemis, and he felt like weeping. ~ Eoin Colfer

She strode across the McGraney boundary without a backward glance, legs cutting twin swatches in the green-black grass. Dawn sunlight simmered on the tip of each blade, and Holly's passage set a surging ripple of light flashing across the meadow.
Extraordinary, thought Artemis. What have I lost? ~ Eoin Colfer

I don't know why it is, Captain Short, but whenever you start agreeing with me, I get decidedly nervous. ~ Eoin Colfer

Either that boy is the sanest creature on Earth, he thought, or he is so disturbed that our tests cannot even begin to scratch the surface. ~ Eoin Colfer

Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on. ~ Eoin Colfer

Artemis Fowl grinned right back at him and pointed his index finger to the sky ... from the tip of this finger sprang a small blue spark that exploded like a tiny firework.
"I know magic can be stolen," said Artemis. "Because I stole some myself. ~ Eoin Colfer

Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen
Annual Report
Student: Artemis Fowl II
Year: First
Fees: Paid
Tutor: Dr Po

Language Arts
As far as I can tell, Artemis has made absolutely no progress since the beginning of the year. This is because his abilities are beyond the scope of my experience. He memorizes and understands Shakespeare after a single reading. He finds mistakes in every exercise I administer, and has taken to chuckling gently when I attempt to explain some of the more complex texts. Next year I intend to grant his request and give him a library pass during my class.

Mathematics
Artemis is an infuriating boy. One day he answers all my questions correctly, and the next every answer is wrong. He calls this an example of the chaos theory, and says that he is only trying to prepare me for the real world. He says the notion of infinity is ridiculous. Frankly, I am not trained to deal with a boy like Artemis. Most of my pupils have trouble counting without the aid of their fingers. I am sorry to say, there is nothing I can teach Artemis about mathematics, but someone should teach him some manners.

Social Studies
Artemis distrusts all history texts, because he says history was written by the victors. He prefers living history, where survivors of certain events can actually be interviewed. Obviously this makes studying the Middle Ages somewhat difficult. Artemis has asked for permission to build a ~ Eoin Colfer

Some people just needed to be stolen from. ~ Eoin Colfer

Perhaps we can win, he thought. But there will be no happy ending ~ Eoin Colfer

Oh,It's going to be so easy to kill you,scoffed Opal. ~ Eoin Colfer

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
-Artemis Fowl ~ Eoin Colfer

Look, back in the old days, ravens used to be gentle and white, like doves, okay? But they were terrible gossips. One time I was dating this girl, Koronis. The ravens found out she was cheating on me, and they told me about it. I was so angry, I got Artemis to kill Koronis for me. Then I punished the ravens for being tattletales by turning them black."
Reyna stared at me like she was contemplating another kick to my nose. "That story is messed up on so many levels."
"Just wrong," Meg agreed. "You had your sister kill a girl who was cheating on you?"
"Well, I - "
"Then you punished the birds that told you about it," Reyna added, "by turning them black, as if black was bad and white was good?"
"When you put it that way, it doesn't sound right," I protested. "It's just what happened when my curse scorched them. It also made them nasty-tempered flesh-eaters."
"Oh, that's much better," Reyna snarled.
"If we let the birds eat you," Meg asked, "will they leave Reyna and me alone?"
"I - What?" I worried that Meg might not be kidding. Her facial expression did not say kidding. It said serious about the birds eating you. "Listen, I was angry! Yes, I took it out on the birds, but after a few centuries I cooled down. I apologized. By then, they kind of liked being nasty-tempered flesh-eaters. As for Koronis - I mean, at least I saved the child she was pregnant with when Artemis killed her. He became Asclepius, god of medicine!"
"Your girlfrien ~ Rick Riordan

Thrilled that Reyes and I were outside, and taking that as her cue to get her freak on, Artemis ran around like a gerbil on meth, turning occasionally to make sure we were still watching. And God help us if we weren't. ~ Darynda Jones

Teeth are alive, and given the proper environment, they can regenerate; this is why internal factors that nourish the teeth are so important. ~ Nadine Artemis

Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done." He winked at Butler.
"Are you sure you're at the library? I thought I heard water."
Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. "Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information."
"Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you're wearing that smug smile of yours. ~ Eoin Colfer

He broke through the wall of men surrounding Olivia - dim-witted fowl clustered about a dozing crocodile, as he saw it - and offered to take her home. ~ Loretta Chase

You better, Artemis. Because if you don't get him under control, the world is going to become the very thing that makes you wake up screaming at night. (Acheron) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Maximus," she whispered, all moonlight and strength. "I love you. Never forget that. ~ Elizabeth Hoyt

Aretmis gripped her bow. "Let us pray I am wrong."
Can goddesses pray? ~ Rick Riordan

You? You can't believe this? I'm the one who has to go to Artemis to save your ass. She was freaking out over Zarek, now how the hell do I explain to her that Mr. Cool-Calm-and-Collected was doing his impression of Spider Man in a bar loaded with tourists and ended up as the main feature on Tokyo news as what's wrong with American culture? Question. How many rules did you break in less than a minute? (Acheron) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I'd like to say I took the news well.
The truth was, I wanted to strangle the Hunters of Artemis one eternal maiden at a time.
Percy Jackson ~ Rick Riordan

The sap was rising in the pines. The willows and aspens were bursting out in young buds. Shrubs and vines were putting on fresh garbs of green. Crickets sang in the nights, and in the days all manner of creeping, crawling things rustled forth into the sun. Partridges and woodpeckers were booming and knocking in the forest. Squirrels were chattering, birds singing, and overhead honked the wild-fowl driving up from the south in cunning wedges that split the air. From ~ Jack London

From the Heliconian Muses let us begin to sing, who hold the great and holy mount of Helicon, and dance on soft feet about the deep-blue spring and the altar of the almighty son of Cronos, and, when they have washed their tender bodies in Permessus or in the Horse's Spring or Olmeius, make their fair, lovely dances upon highest Helicon and move with vigorous feet. Thence they arise and go abroad by night, veiled in thick mist, and utter their song with lovely voice, praising Zeus the aegis-holder and queenly Hera of Argos who walks on golden sandals and the daughter of Zeus the aegis-holder bright-eyed Athene, and Phoebus Apollo, and Artemis who delights in arrows, and Poseidon the earth-holder who shakes the earth, and reverend Themis and quick-glancing Aphrodite, and Hebe with the crown of gold, and fair Dione, Leto, Iapetus, and Cronos the crafty counsellor, Eos and great Helius and bright Selene, Earth too, and great Oceanus, and dark Night, and the holy race of all the other deathless ones that are for ever. And one day they taught Hesiod glorious song while he was shepherding his lambs under holy Helicon, and this word first the goddesses said to me - the Muses of Olympus, daughters of Zeus who holds the aegis: 'Shepherds of the wilderness, wretched things of shame, mere bellies, we know how to speak many false things as though they were true; but we know, when we will, to utter true things'. ~ Hesiod

Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles."
Holly opened the throttle. "Now there's an order I never thought I'd hear from you. ~ Eoin Colfer

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother. Artemis
Set and Bathymaas laughed.
Apollo, not so much. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

You want me here. (Artemis) Yeah, like an alien rectal probe up my sphincter.' (Acheron) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

In spite of Agamemnon Achilles had greeted her clean heart. She decided, not her father - not even the gods - that she belonged to Artemis. She showed him that the way to make your fate your choice is to choose it, fearlessly, your lungs drinking the air. It makes the gods ashamed. ~ Elizabeth Cook

By the way, we also hate it when people . . . call Artemis "the city in space." We're not in space; we're on the moon. I'm mean, technically, we're in space, but so is London. ~ Andy Weir

Louise: "How did you get here?"
Johnny: "Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, to fish to fowl, to fowl to frog, to frog to mammal, the mammal to monkey, to monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori, ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday. ~ Mike Leigh

The gods may have spoken, but Nature only bends to a goddess. ~ Grace Curley

And, most vivid of all, there was the dramatic epic of the rats - the scampering army of obscene vermin which had burst forth from the castle three months after the tragedy that doomed it to desertion - the lean, filthy, ravenous army which had swept all before it and devoured fowl, cats, dogs, hogs, sheep, and even two hapless human beings before its fury was spent. ~ H.P. Lovecraft

A cook she certainly was, in the very bone and centre of her soul. Not a ... turkey ... in the barn-yard but looked grave when they saw her approaching, and seemed evidently to be reflecting on their latter end; and certain it was that she was always meditating on trussing, stuffing and roasting, to a degree that was calculated to inspire terror in any reflecting fowl living. ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

Diana," he murmured in her ear, licking. "Diana, you are everything I've ever wanted and shall never have."
Tears pricked at her eyes and she opened her mouth to sob.
"That's it," he said. "Weep for me. Bear my pain. Take my come. For I can give you nothing else. ~ Elizabeth Hoyt

I'm Jarra, I'm an Earth girl, and I'm proud of it. You can laugh at me for being an ape if youwant, but there are only eleven living people entitled to wear the Artemis, and I'm one of them. I'm proud of that too. ~ Janet Edwards

Similarly the animal psychologist, Aristophanes, accidentally discovered the world's first joke while inquiring into the hitherto mysterious motivations of pathway-traversing fowl. ~ George Pendle

I don't like this, Artemis. I'm not a dog to be chained outside your house because you're afraid I'll piss on your rug. (Acheron) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

We believe that the creation of a woman was the crowning and final and most glorified moment of human creation. That we start with light & dark and land & sea and we move through fish & fowl & beasts of the field and we get to Adam and it's still not good enough. And only when Eve was created
this is our theology [ ... ]
that is our theology, that the crowning creation and the glory of the human experience came with the creation of Eve. ~ Jeffrey R. Holland

I hate you! (Artemis)
Don't keep saying that, Artie. It's cruel to get my hopes up. (Acheron) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

One day I'm going to find a way to rid you of that beast resting on your arm. (Artemis) (He looked at her over his shoulder.) And one day I'm going to find a way to rid myself of the beast resting on my back. (Acheron) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Luna! Artemis! lovers' spats are icing on the cake! Your just showing off to us single people! -Minako ~ Naoko Takeuchi

Artemis remembered a few lines from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland: "But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice. "Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here. ~ Eoin Colfer

Dinners at Stony Cross Park were famously lavish, and this one was no exception. Eight courses of fish, game, poultry, and beef were served, accompanied by fresh flower arrangements that were brought to the table with each new remove. They began with turtle soup, broiled salmon with capers, perch and mullet in cream, and succulent Jon Dory fish dressed with a delicate shrimp sauce. The next course consisted of peppered venison, herb-garnished ham, gently fried sweetbreads floating in steaming gravy, and crisp-skinned roast fowl. And so on and so forth, until the guests were stuffed and lethargic, their faces flushed from the constant replenishing of their wineglasses by attentive footmen. The dinner was concluded with a succession of platters filled with almond cheesecakes, lemon puddings, and rice souffles. ~ Lisa Kleypas

Now I was surprised and light-headed, like a domestic fowl that finds itself able to fly over a low fence in a moment of terror. ~ Charles Portis

I glanced back. Annabeth was trying not to meet my eyes. Her face was pale. I flashed back to two years ago, when I'd thought she was going to take the pledge to Artemis and become a Hunter. I'd been on the edge of a panic attack, thinking that I'd lose her. Now she looked pretty much the same way. ~ Rick Riordan