Clueless Humor Quotes

Spar felt a tiny thud on the back of his shin, as if a moth had butted against him on its flight through the night air. Wait, had that been the small human? Had she kicked him? He could not tell by glancing at her face. ~ Christine Warren

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. ~ Doug Stanhope

Ever director has at least 10 bad films in them. ~ Robert Rodriguez

I describe myself as a member of the Church of England, which I suppose is an inoffensive way of saying that you don't believe in anything very much ~ William Somerset Maugham

Sex with an ex
Is it ever really painless or just inviting stress?
I mean, really
Who does that?
Oh wait, I'm sure if they could, most everyone would ... ~ Natasha Ramsey

The more attractive and athletic the character depicted on the T-shirt, the less attractive and athletic the fan wearing it ~ Nev Fountain

I had a dream that I was perfect…I woke up and was still perfect. Aw. ~ Starley Ard

Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday. ~ Cher

I can't get it out," she said.
"Just pull at it."
"It hurts. It's throbbing."
"Pull harder."
"I can't! It's truly stuck. I need something to make it slippery. Do you have some sort of lubricant nearby?"
"No."
"Not anything?"
"Much as it may surprise you, we've never needed lubricant in the library before now. ~ Lisa Kleypas

I read the script and decide if a particular character looks fun to play. I look for complexity and a sense of humor. Those are crucial, real things to life. ~ Steve Buscemi

The fact that Cooper Dayton was running down the side streets of Bethesda and not driving back to D.C. by now was proof that his father had been dead wrong. His haircut was plenty professional. Too professional, even. How else could Ben Pultz have made him as a federal agent from thirty feet away and taken off running? Not from his jeans and T-shirt. Not from the weapons carefully hidden under his intentionally oversized jacket. It had to be the bureau-regulation hair. Apparently Pultz didn't think he looked like a "boy band reject," though Cooper doubted his dad, Sherriff Dayton, would be swayed by the opinion of a fleeing homicide suspect. ~ Charlie Adhara

We did the usual beauty, grace, anti-dirt spell, voice of a songbird, the works ... it is never that kind of beauty that we gift. It is a spell. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to your true love. To everyone else, well ... that's up to nature. But, you are decently pretty. I don't know why you are complaining. ~ T.T. Escurel

As for my own truncated secondary education, my head was in the clouds as my mom would say, or if you asked my father, up my ass. ~ Michael J. Fox

I don't always change my clothes just because I'm leaving the house. I wear yoga pants 99 percent of the time, and I pretend that other people don't notice that I'm wearing my pajamas in public. ~ Shauna Niequist

I was safe. Uncomfortable as hell, but safe.-Bobby, RR ~ D.J. MacHale

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?'
'People who like things neat?'
'Its not natural. ~ Rachel Caine

You can find humor in everything. everything. ~ Krishna Sagar

But we were just picnicking friends ~ Douglas Preston

Sometimes I find I'm wearing a divided, split brain in terms of drama and humor. ~ Ridley Scott

I was a little shocked at how adult some of the humor was, because I was never that into animation before and when I watched 'Shrek' I really laughed out loud. ~ Cheryl Hines

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train. ~ Lois Greiman

As the old saying goes: if you teach a man to fish, he will feed himself for a lifetime. But if you just give him a fishing pole, he'll have to teach himself. ~ Zechariah Barrett

Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't it? ~ Patrick Swayze

The more Radu knew the women around him, the more he wondered if any of them were not secretly terrifying. ~ Kiersten White

You would do the same for me. He smiled a big toothy smile before he hopped off my car and walked away, leaving me wondering what was up with the guy in the girl jeans and why I couldn't get him off of my mind. ~ Magan Vernon

Many strong girls have similar stories: They were socially isolated and lonely in adolescence. Smart girls are often the girls most rejected by peers. Their strength is a threat and they are punished for being different. Girls who are unattractive or who don't worry about their appearance are scorned. This isolation is often a blessing because it allows girls to develop a strong sense of self. Girls who are isolated emerge from adolescence more independent and self-sufficient than girls who have been accepted by others.
Strong girls may protect themselves by being quiet and guarded so that their rebellion is known by only a few trusted others. They may be cranky and irascible and keep critics at a distance so that only people who love them know what they are up to. They may have the knack of shrugging off the opinions of others or they may use humor to deflect the hostility that comes their way. ~ Mary Pipher

Yes. And also, if it's okay by you, I'd like to shut up now ... Or possibly just go somewhere and swallow my face. ~ Lesley Livingston

If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin' hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That's kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that's not near the top. I mean, it's not near the bottom either. I'd say it's right above "Learn to drive a vespa," but several notches below "film a chase scene for a movie. ~ Mindy Kaling

No funny business. I'll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears ~ Penelope Fletcher

You forget, darling.
I am the local psychopath. ~ Kelley Armstrong

Is he a sophomore?" Lydia says. "Please tell me he's in our grade."
"I don't know," I say.
"But weren't you there when he came to the office?" Peyton says.
"The secretary didn't get out her bullhorn and announce what grade he's in. She just took him to meet Headmaster Perkins. ~ Lauren Myracle

Goddammit! How does the world keep spinning with women on the planet?
Ian St. John in THE POMPEII SCROLL ~ Jacqueline LaTourrette

Glaring at the doctor, Kev spoke in Romany. "Ka xlia ma pe tute" (I'm going to shit on you.)

"Which means," Rohan said hastily, "'Please forgive the misunderstanding; let's part as friends.'"

"Te malavel les i menkiva," Kev added for good measure. (May you die of a malignant wasting disease.)

"Roughly translated," Rohan said, "that means, 'May your garden be filled with fine, fat hedgehogs.' Which, I may add, is considered quite a blessing among the Rom. ~ Lisa Kleypas

I, on the other hand, believe that books, maps, scissors, and Scotch tape dispensers are all unreliable vagrants, likely to take off for parts unknown unless strictly confined to quarters. ~ Anne Fadiman

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

They say the Lord never gives us more than we can bear. This is only true of money and cleavage. ~ Joni Rodgers

He was uncomplicated and upbeat and easy. At one point, I might have thought these traits made him a simpleton, but now I think they just translate to happiness. ~ Emily Giffin

They say that if you're good at something, never do it for free. But who would pay me to make bad jokes? ~ Caleb Eversole

Humor is proof that everything is going to be all right with God nevertheless. ~ Charles M. Schulz

Hermione launched herself forwards and started punching every inch of him that she could reach.
'Ouch - ow - gerroff! What the - ? Hermione - OW!'
"You - complete - arse - Ronald - Weasley!"
She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced. ~ J.K. Rowling

A king of a kingdom no one fucking knows about! I'm the tree in the forest that silently falls
when no one is around to be crushed! [Lothaire, Enemy of Old] ~ Kresley Cole

I borrowed a hammer and the garage and disposed of both phones. I was pretty sure that I could have just pulled the batteries, but pretty sure wasn't good enough, so I used a hammer. ~ Patricia Briggs

If you speak again! If you speak again! I'm going to kill you! Do you understand! Don't say...Don't say it! ~ Kahmunrah

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. ~ Eoin Colfer

The fickleness of the women I love is only equaled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? ~ Steven Wright

Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech you.
[Love's Last Shift] ~ Colley Cibber

In some respects, if I had to choose just one (virtue on the spiritual path), I'd feel safest with a sense of humor. We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, have a good laugh about human nature, and get on with our journeys. ~ Bo Lozoff

Daft Wullie had raised a finger.
'Point o' order, Rob,' he said, 'but it was a wee bittie hurtful there for you to say I dinna hae the brains of a beetle ... '
Rob hesitated, but only for a moment. 'Aye, Daft Wullie, ye are right in whut ye say. It was unricht o' me to say that. It was the heat o' the moment, an' I am full sorry for it. As I stand here before ye now, I will say: Daft Wullie, ye DO hae the brains o' a beetle, an' I'll fight any scunner who says different! ~ Terry Pratchett

'How old were you when you realized you were... different?'

Logan opened his mouth, then smiled slyly, 'What sort of different? Gay different, magic different, or just plain fucked-in-the-head-crazy different?'

Collin bit back a smile at Logan's delivery, 'Magic different.'

'Ah,' Logan said, 'Pity, the other stories are a lot more fun.' ~ Lia Black