Avi Kaplan Funny Quotes

The biggest myth about comedy is that it's magical, unknowable, unteachable. Those who subscribe to that myth believe that the world is divided into two parts: those who are funny, and those who ain't. And if you ain't, well, sorry Charley, that's all she wrote. I have a simple response to that: Bull. ~ Steven Kaplan

I meant to be nice, but there were so many other options. ~ Anonymous

But I think once the word gets out that the movie is funny - funny is transcendent - it will traverse all demographic barriers if people embrace it as a funny movie. ~ Thomas Haden Church

Someone asked them to be quiet, so it's just a matter of a time before all hell breaks loose. ~ Brian Andreas

So they finally gave you the license to kill, about time. ~ Richelle Mead

Nobody has tried to swallow us since I've been here. I think they are afraid how we would taste. ~ Steve Jobs

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. ~ Brooke Shields

Seeing a big scratch on Andy's cheek, he tried again. "You win this fight?" he
touched the little boy's cheek lightly.
Andy's eyes filled with tears. "I fallded down."
"Fell," Jordan corrected automatically.
"DADDY!! COME HERE!!" JD commanded furiously. He stomped off to
behind the sofa. Jordan rolled his eyes and followed.
Leaning down, Jordan whispered, "What?"
JD had on his 'frog face'. The one he wore when grownups have been bad.
Brows wrinkled, mouth all scrunched and frowny, hands on hips, all 33 inches
of righteous indignation, he hissed, "He be's just a baby. He dunna talk good
yet."
Jordan cocked his eyebrow at his son.
"I'm a big boy, Daddy. I know this stuff. ~ Grasshopper

Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody. ~ Florenz Ziegfeld

Funny thing, watching gods realize they've been mortal all along. ~ Pierce Brown

The truth is, I was afraid the day I walked into Stanford. And I was afraid the day I walked out. ~ Carly Fiorina

People get starstruck when they meet me, it's quite funny. ~ Roger Lloyd-Pack

Funny how a wink from a city guy can come across as cheesy or condescending, but a wink from a southern boy will send shivers up a girl's spine. ~ Jonna Ivin

The state of life is most happy where superfluities are not required and necessities are not wanting. ~ Plutarch

Finding the funny is the key to never losing your edge ~ Marie Forleo

I like you in green,' he said. 'You look as if you're a very beautiful imp.' ~ Sara Sheridan

There will be others, many others. You'll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder what the point of all this is, and also why you didn't feel that staple you just sent into your thigh. You usually do. You'll wonder what your company even does. After six years, you have no idea what an information system is, do you? Maybe you should ask. Maybe that's how this ends. You'll imagine how poetic it would be to simply unmute yourself and say, "Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what's an information system?"
Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You masturbate during it. And it's beautiful. Masturbating, invisible within your three-walled fortress. Invisible ... invisible ... practically invisible. ~ Colin Nissan

I think people are surprised to learn that I'm pretty goofy and pretty funny. ~ Susan Egan

Actually I never did stand up. I'm not that funny. ~ Maynard James Keenan

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full." ~ Robin Williams

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy. ~ Peter Shaffer

I claim neither liberalism nor conservatism - one tends to be airheaded while the other tends to be brickheaded. ~ Criss Jami

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny. ~ Jeff Dunham

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. ~ George Carlin

Are you trying to be subtle? Because I know you're talking about the honeybunnyless prom tragedy that is my life. ~ John Green

Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon. ~ Chuck Lorre

It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks ~ Colin Baker

Cages were funny things.
Although I'd escaped with my body long ago, only recently had my heart finally broken free.
Healed by the love of a man who'd been willing to sacrifice everything, even give me up if he had to, just to see me rise. ~ Karen Marie Moning

Keefe shouted, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!" They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made kind. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, "I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with this! ~ Shannon Messenger

I have an older sister named Haley and she wanted to be an actress. So I wanted to be an actress. It's really funny the way that some people don't give kids enough credit for like really being driven, and really wanting to do things so badly. ~ Hilary Duff