Kids Funny Quotes

Like I said before, kids were okay from a distance, but I didn't think they'd ever replace hamsters. ~ Janet Evanovich

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers ... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. ~ Amy Poehler

In a sec.......let's see if this will help. Once there was a bunny that was very sad
cause his ears were long and floppy and he stepped on them all the time."
"Like my shoelaces?"
"Yep, just like that. One day a beautiful fairy,,,,,,,,"
"The shoelace fairy?"
"Yep. She landed on the bunny's head and.........."
"Didn't that hurt? Does she have a wand?"
"Nope. She lifted up the bunny's ears and crossed them over like an x."
"I can cross my eyes.........look."
"Lovely. She put one ear through the bottom of the x and she pulled."
"She pulled the bunny's ears..........bad fairy."
"No, she was trying to tie his.........."
"Dan," Jordan laughed, "Stop. That is the worst thing I've ever heard."
"Well, it's better than the teepees and the arrows and crap," Danny huffed.
"Can I go see Andy now?"
"Yes, go see Andy and his Velcro sneakers," Jordan snickered. "We give up. ~ Grasshopper

What is it with folks always talking about where they're from? You could grow up in a muddy ditch, but if it's your muddy ditch, then it's gotta be the swellest muddy ditch ever. ~ Jennifer L. Holm

No matter how strong you are, you cannot hold open the jaws of a great-white shark with your bare hands ... that can do your brain. ~ Ivan Stoikov

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids. ~ Jim Norton

I thought she liked you now. I've seen her kiss you and she says your name the special way she says Rina's and mine - like it tastes good. ~ Deborah Hale

I sold my first script when I was 21 - this kids' adventure movie that never got made. I just bought that one back, actually. I'm pretty psyched about it. ~ Jason Segel

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. ~ Dave Barry

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear ... from my future Kids' Funny Business. ~ Ivan Stoikov

The funny thing is, because I was doing a lot of theater when I was a kid, and a lot of that was musical theater, as I got older I became more interested in acting as a separate entity and music as a separate entity, like songwriting and production and recording and playing music. ~ Guy Pearce

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Seeing a big scratch on Andy's cheek, he tried again. "You win this fight?" he
touched the little boy's cheek lightly.
Andy's eyes filled with tears. "I fallded down."
"Fell," Jordan corrected automatically.
"DADDY!! COME HERE!!" JD commanded furiously. He stomped off to
behind the sofa. Jordan rolled his eyes and followed.
Leaning down, Jordan whispered, "What?"
JD had on his 'frog face'. The one he wore when grownups have been bad.
Brows wrinkled, mouth all scrunched and frowny, hands on hips, all 33 inches
of righteous indignation, he hissed, "He be's just a baby. He dunna talk good
yet."
Jordan cocked his eyebrow at his son.
"I'm a big boy, Daddy. I know this stuff. ~ Grasshopper

Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy."

Mommy-- "What? ~ Mel Brown

That's the funny thing about havin' a kid. They come with their own set of problems; make everything else you were worried about seem kinda silly. ~ Greg Garcia

Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I couldn't figure out if it was fate or faith that had brought me there. How funny those two words sounded when paired together. One was the inevitable, something I could not change in my life, while the other was the hope and belief that I could. These two words were enemies of each other, and one of them was down right dangerous for a slave to have anywhere near his mind. ~ Jay Grewal

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate? ~ Sol Luckman

The fictitious worlds created for kids are nearly bereft of female presence. It's sending a very clear message from the beginning that women and girls do not have half of the adventures, that they're not as important. We're teaching kids that girls and women don't take up half the space in the world. ~ Geena Davis

I'm sure sex wouldn't be so rewarding as this World Cup. It's not that sex isn't good but the World Cup is every four years and sex is not. ~ Ronaldo

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant. ~ Scott Adams

Not being able to sleep is terrible. You have the misery of having partied all night ... Without the satisfaction. ~ Lynn Johnston

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We're looking at complexity. We're looking at blond kids in Beverley Hills who can speak Spanish because they have been raised by Guatemalan nannies. We're looking at Evangelicals coming up from Latin America to convert the U.S. at the same time that L.A. movie stars are taking up Indian pantheism. ~ Richard Rodriguez

I'm a tough person. I wasn't afraid of other kids because I understood that someday they'd wash my car. ~ Johnny Weir

I love my kids, I'm a proud father, a happy husband, and all of that. I live my life with my wife as a normal person, and that's that. ~ Kevin Federline

A group called the Food Research and Action Center wants the government to spend more on food programs. Sure enough, their study found that astonishing numbers of children were 'hungry': 'One in four American children under age 12 is hungry or at risk of hunger in America.'
The report got lots of press. Some reporters spun the report so it sounded worse than it was. Dan Rather somehow changed kids who were 'sometimes hungry' into 'children in danger of starving.'
Starving? The Food Research and Action Center never counted calories. They didn't even ask people what they ate. Instead, they asked: 'Do you ever cut the size of meals?' 'Do you ever eat less than you feel you should?' Naturally, some people said yes to those questions. It didn't mean America is 'hungry', let alone 'starving.' In fact, in America, one of the poor's biggest problems is obesity. ~ John Stossel

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Arguments of convenience lack integrity and inevitably trip you up. ~ Donald Rumsfeld

It was incomprehensible to her that anyone should be amused by such a circumstance, but both Gilly and Gideon plainly thought it excessively funny, so she smiled dutifully, realizing the truth of her mama's dictum, that there was never any knowing what stupidities men would find diverting. ~ Georgette Heyer

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.' ~ Tommy Cooper

They had a ... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available. ~ Clive James

It's very important that we instill some respect for the parents. In America especially, the kids are unruly, screaming at Mommy and Daddy, running the show. ~ Ziggy Marley

My baby is weird man ... when he get mad, he gets in the oven. ~ Kevin Hart

I quirked a brow at him. "No kids for me. Would you really bring children into a world like this?"
Eyes alight with playfulness, he said, "No. It was just an excuse to get in your pants. ~ Kresley Cole

I know I'm funny, because I'm eccentric, I'm odd. I'm not what you expect. ~ Marian Seldes

I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them. ~ Trevor Noah

I've never walked home wearing just a pink robe and a pair of slippers. ~ Jessica Sorensen

Kane smiled and said, "You want to know something funny?"

"Always."

"There are over seven billion people on this planet, and I can only tolerate eleven."

I raised an eyebrow. "Who are the eleven people?"

He held up both of his hands and dropped a finger for each person he named. "You, Branna, Bronagh, Keela, Alannah, Alec, Dominic, Ryder, Damien, Tony the pizza delivery guy, and Susan who works in Subway in the village."

I resisted the urge to laugh.

"Why the last two? You don't know them."

Kane pointed his index finger at me. "Tony brings me food, and Susan makes me food. Leave them alone, they're good people."

I snorted. "You really need to expand your circle of people. ~ L.A. Casey

I consider myself spiritual and I'm married to a man who is both an atheist and a humanist, and my kids have been raised with the traditions of different religions, but they do not go to church or temple. My feeling is that everyone should be able to believe what they want or need to believe. ~ Jodi Picoult

I think, one thing that I've really come to appreciate about my parents as I've got older is you know, how wise they really were. As a kid when I was growing up, as any kid, you think you know every thing and I was no different to that. I had different opinions on a lot of different things then them but the way they raised me, in hindsight, they were right. ~ Tiger Woods

My kids are free to do what ever they want. Because I only advise. I don't make them do anything. ~ Jack Bowman

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico! ~ Bob Hope

You shoot him in this car and we'll be screwed so hard, we'll be walking funny for the rest of our lives. ~ Michelle Elaine Lowe

Kaylee giggled as he tunneled up inside her sleeve.
Out popped his head for a quick look, then he took leave.
He enjoyed scaling up, down and around her shirt.
What a sweet, funny and adorable flirt. ~ Melinda K. Trotter

You're on a road show with your penis, and trust me, I'm the last person who wants to get in your way. But I'm telling you, operation occupy-my-vagina is a no-go for the evening. ~ Addison Moore

A hundred people is rather a large handful for the four of us to take on," Malcolm pointed out. "Do you have any ideas about how we're going to handle that task?"
"Simple," Halt told him. "We'll surround them. ~ John Flanagan

Apollo stepped toward Athena. "Let's break down this idea step-by-step. How would we be able to use Perses? The last time I checked, he was in Tartarus."
"He is still there." Athena tipped her chin up. "And as you know, he is not dead. He is only entombed."
"And how do you think we're going to release him?" Apollo demanded, brows slashed. "Zeus would never agree to this."
"I am Zeus' favorite child." Her smile beamed. Apollo's blue eyes rolled. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.
"I thought you must be dead ... " he said simply.
"So did I for a while," said Ford, "and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic. ~ Douglas Adams

The single largest variable that predicts SAT scores is family income. If you want higher SAT scores, you need to get your kids born into wealthier families. You know, it's great to tell kids to pull themselves up by their own boot straps, but you better put boots on them first. ~ Paul Houston

Well, I'm glad you're so amused," I said, running my fingers across the railing.
Maxon hopped up to sit on the railing, looking very relaxed. "You're always amusing. Get used to it."
Hmm. He was almost being funny.
"So...about what you said...," he started tentatively.
"Which part? The part about me calling you names or fighting with my mom or saying food was my motivation?" I rolled my eyes.
He laughed once. "The part about me being good..."
"Oh. What about it?" Those few sentences suddenly seemed more embarrassing than anything else I'd said. I ducked my head down and twisted a piece of my dress.
"I appreciate you making things look authentic, but you didn't need to go that far."
My head snapped up. How could he think that?
"Maxon, that wasn't for the sake of the show. If you had asked me a month ago what my honest opinion of you was, it would have been very different. But now I know you, and I know the truth, and you are everything I said you were. And more."
He was quiet, but there was a small smile on his face.
"Thank you," he finally said.
"Anytime."
Maxon cleared his throat. "He'll be lucky, too." He got down from his makeshift seat and walked to my side of the balcony.
"Huh?"
"Your boyfriend. When he comes to his senses and begs you to take him back," Maxon said matter-of-factly.
I had to laugh. No such thing would happen in y world.
"he's not my boyfriend anymore. And he made it pret ~ Kiera Cass

morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks. Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes - the getups you saw on young people! He supposed this was some stupid new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and ~ J.K. Rowling