Pinching Funny Quotes

With the money I'm making, I should be playing two positions. ~ Pete Rose

Most of the gaffes I've made have not been funny - they've been stupid. ~ Jim Lehrer

As a writer, I've never limited myself to a specific genre or topic. A person is never just one thing. Like multi-faced dice, there are so many sides to a person; Funny, dramatic, romantic...the list goes on. When I write horror, I do it to my best. When I write comedy, I do that to my best. But, I'm a jack of all trades. It's fun to challenge yourself, breaking the limits of a genre. ~ M. A. Levi

Why can't I say anything normal? ~ Jennifer Lawrence

Get on a bus full of old people and you'll understand what I mean. It's easy to pick the woman who's spent her life indulging herself in moral indignation, tightening her lips against mothers who are too young, mothers who are too old, young men with dangerous-looking haircuts, and Winifred Martin going off with May Charleston's husband, and at their age, honestly. Yes, you'll be able to pick her in a trice, since she'll be the one with the cat's arse where her mouth ought to be. ~ Danielle Wood

I shut my eyes and concentrated on the sun, and on feeling it warm my skin. On pleasure. Hedon. The Greek god. Or idol, as he should probably be called seeing as I was on hallowed ground. It's pretty arrogant, calling all other gods, apart from the one you've come up with, idols. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Every dictator's command to his subjects, of course. The funny thing was that Christians couldn't see it themselves. They didn't see the mechanism, the regenerative, self-fulfilling, self-aggrandising aspect which meant that a superstition like this could survive for two thousand years, and in which the key--salvation--was restricted to those who were fortunate enough to have been born in a space of time which was a merest blink of the eye in human history, and who also happened to live on the only little bit of the planet that ever got to hear the commandment and were able to formulate an opinion about the concise sales pitch ("Paradise?"). ~ Jo Nesbø

While you are not able to serve men, how can you serve spirits of the dead ... While you do not know life, how can you know about death ~ Confucius

My toughest fight was with my first wife. ~ Muhammad Ali

Knowing someone's story helps to make the patient more real, and it makes the job more personal. The shared narratives of others' lives incorporate and become stories about us. I feel myself to be a part of a stranger's story, when it is shared with me, and passing it on feels like my sharing of a parable we've all heard- we know the plot, even the climax and the ending. Only the names have changed, or the costumes, or the settings, but the story is the same and is this: we are all vulnerable; we are all a little bit crazy; we are all funny, entertaining, delicate, bold, horrible, and fantastic. We are all, in our unique and individual ways, as equally and universally fucked up as the next person. Every one of us. Theres comfort in knowing this. ~ Pamela Baker

I moved to New York to do theater, and I got cast in a play that was funny, and then I was the funny guy. I did a movie that was funny, and then I was the funny guy. ~ Steve Zahn

Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself - and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure. ~ Eric Allman

We're good to move."
"Cool." Kolya's smile was every bit as tight-lipped as Riley's, but it was real. "Tell us when you need help."
"And tell us before your chest explodes," Andrej muttered, "so we can shoot the alien babies when they pop out."
Riley made a rude gesture. "McClane says, go fuck yourself."
Kolya chuckled. "Let's keep him. ~ J. Fally

Every emotion, from despair all of the way up to ecstasy; from complete Connection to who-you-really-are, all the way to pinching yourself off pretty severely, all of those emotions are about your perception of freedom, or your perception of bondage - every one of them. ~ Esther Hicks

It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don't choose to live anywhere else. There's land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I'm going to do it some day. ~ Medgar Evers

Everybody's funny if you love them. ~ Anna Torv

He's the meanest one. We call him..Byrd the Turd ~ Marthe Jocelyn

Welhewan is charming us,' Sasha says in an unsure voice. 'It is trying to soothe us with its lullaby. Do not let yourself . . . Oh, a butterfly. Look how beautiful it is! No, don't look. The forest is making us happy, and we cannot let it. ~ Sarah Dalton

You're one funny enchilada, ~ M T Anderson

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. ~ Steven Wright

Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Step one, accept she was a damn boss. Step two, hide all the knives, guns, and maybe the pillows, too. ~ J.J. McAvoy

Whatever you may say, genuine emotions are aroused by people. The first smile of a newborn, love confession, hang-loose chatting with friends, weekly meetings with dears, and a lot more other things initiated by two or several individuals trigger the feeling of happiness. There are more specific emotions native to females and males. Whereas the first ones are pleased at hearing sweet words. We live and work in the tradition of love and not hatred. As for us, it is the unconditional acceptance of all people, the scale of our love for them. Let's treat every person as a person in his uniqueness at eye level.
Love is one of the strongest feelings one can ever have. It comes over you all of a sudden and totally absorbs before you manage to realize the fact. Emotions which arise with the feeling require some way of expression. Furtive glances, sweet words, touching, and romantic dates are a usual manifestation of affection. Still, there is a more inventive way to expose oneself – dedicating a special beautiful love quote to your beloved. ~ Oscar Auliq-Ice

I never feel like laughing when things are funny," he said. "I just think to myself, 'Now, that's funny. ~ Rainbow Rowell

It takes a lot of hard work and dedication just like any pro sport. Especially for beach volleyball you don't have to be tall or as fast as other sports. You just have to have the skills. ~ Misty May-Treanor

You know, it's funny: there are never any middle-aged souls. You hear about people being young souls, you really hear about old souls, but what about middle-aged souls? ~ Richard Ayoade

If you want breakfast in bed, you have to concider sleeping in the kitchen> ~ Foster "Raul" Mkhabele

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool. ~ Noel Fielding

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony. ~ Anne Lamott

Uphill? There's nothing up the hill," Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going.
"As a matter of fact, there is. There's a bluff about twelve meters high, with a river running below it. The water's deep, so it'll be quite safe for you to jump." In his brief glimpse of the river, Halt had noticed that the fast-flowing water cut under the bluff in a sharp curve. That should mean that the bottom had been scoured out over the years. A thought struck him. "You can swim, I assume?"
"Yes. I can swim," Colly said. "But I'm going jumping off some bluff just because you say to!"
"No, no. Of course not. That'd be asking far too much of you. You'll jump off because if you don't, I'll shoot you. It'll be the same effect, really. If I have to shoot you, you'll fall off. But I thought I'd give you a chance to survive." Halt paused, then added, "Oh, and if you decide to run downhill, I'll also shoot you with an arrow. Uphill and off is really your only chance of survival."
"You can't be serious!" Colly said. "Do you really-"
But he got no further. Halt leaned forward, putting a hand up to stop the outburst.
"Colly, take a good, long look into my eyes and tell me if you see anything, anything at all, that says I'm not deadly serious."
His eyes were deep brown, almost black. They were steady and unwavering and there was no sign of anything there but utter determination. Colly looked at them and after a few second, his eyes d ~ John Flanagan

When times are bad is when the real entrepreneurs emerge. ~ Robert Kiyosaki

Life is funny. Life isn't categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don't know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or ... I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know ~ Jennifer Aniston

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I thought I was funny as a kid. ~ Jo Brand

Comedy can be destructive, and still very, very funny. But if I can do something that is fun to watch and critical of the world but not wantonly destructive, I pursue those [kinds of] ideas more. ~ Bob Odenkirk

Why are you covering your breasts?"
Turning her back to him, she stepped into her dress.
"Why are you so interested in my breasts?"
"I am only interested in them because you hide them," he informed her. "I would not find them interesting if you would stop wearing clothing. ~ Viola Rivard

Mama is funny. She has a great sense of humor and loves a good joke. Loves a practical joke, too. ~ Reba McEntire

She stared down into her coffee, as if she had more to say, but the words had fallen into the mug and were now too soggy to use. ~ Rachel Vincent

Especially with a comedy, you've got the clear cut goal of trying to make a scene funny. It's not like drama where you're trying to achieve some kind of emotion or trying to further the story along. You're trying to figure out what's the funniest way to do something. ~ Luke Wilson

It's very funny. People do not want to achieve liberation or be happy. This is the basic guideline they teach you in Spiritual Training School. ~ Frederick Lenz

Dirt's a funny thing,' the Boss said. 'Come to think of it, there ain't a thing but dirt on this green God's globe except what's under water, and that's dirt too. It's dirt makes the grass grow. A diamond ain't a thing in the world but a piece of dirt that got awful hot. And God-a-Mighty picked up a handful of dirt and blew on it and made you and me and George Washington and mankind blessed in faculty and apprehension. It all depends on what you do with the dirt. That right? ~ Robert Penn Warren

It's hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever let someone like me bring him to his knees-and make no mistake, I bring him to his knees. I bring him to his knees, hard. ~ Skyla Madi

Do you practice the laugh, or is it a natural talent? Naw, I'm betting you practice."
Jean-Claude's face twisted. I couldn't decide if he was trying not to laugh, or not to frown. Maybe both. I affected some people that way.
The laughter seeped out of her face, very human, until only her eyes sparkled. There was nothing funny about the look in those twinkling eyes. It was the sort of look a cat gives a small bird.
Her voice lifted at the end of each word, a Shirley Temple affectation. "You are either very brave, or very stupid."
"You really need at least one dimple to go with the laugh."
Jean-Claude said softly, "I'm betting on stupid. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends."
Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said:
"He's not my friend!"
"Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status. ~ Cardeno C.

Beer is an improvement on water itself. ~ Grant Johnson

I made plans for 8:00. When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, "That's funny, because my sperm was absent. ~ Jarod Kintz