Humorous Verse Quotes

It was Edward Lear who created the original limerick, and is credited with A Book of Nonsense (1846). Apparently, he did this to amuse his clients' children while they were waiting for their parents' having portraits painted. Edward Lear was an artist first and a poet last. How strange then that we remember him mostly for limericks?
Since writing many of these little jocular verses, I have noticed a strange effect that keeps you reading: each time you read one limerick, you just cannot help reading the next, especially when they are nicely set out on a page. I am particularly proud of my lim-sagas, of which only two are contained in this book, but I consider them the best of my collection. ~ Bernie Morris

It pains me to see how modern society has totally corrupted the limerick and given it the reputation of lewdness which, in turn, has morally barred our children from even taking a peek into this wonderful form of fun and rhythm. I think Edward Lear would turn in his grave if he knew that.
I have therefore decided to reinvent the limerick as it was originally intended: to poke fun, irreverence, just plain daftness, or erroneous behaviour. ~ Bernie Morris

Aw, kiss him, Gwen, clamored a hundred perky eggs. Shut up, she rebuked. We don't even know him, and until moments ago we thought he was dead. That's no way to start a relationship. ~ Karen Marie Moning

Tonight, however, Dickens struck him in a different light. Beneath the author's sentimental pity for the weak and helpless, he could discern a revolting pleasure in cruelty and suffering, while the grotesque figures of the people in Cruikshank's illustrations revealed too clearly the hideous distortions of their souls. What had seemed humorous now appeared diabolic, and in disgust at these two favourites he turned to Walter Pater for the repose and dignity of a classic spirit.

But presently he wondered if this spirit were not in itself of a marble quality, frigid and lifeless, contrary to the purpose of nature. 'I have often thought', he said to himself, 'that there is something evil in the austere worship of beauty for its own sake.' He had never thought so before, but he liked to think that this impulse of fancy was the result of mature consideration, and with this satisfaction he composed himself for sleep.

He woke two or three times in the night, an unusual occurrence, but he was glad of it, for each time he had been dreaming horribly of these blameless Victorian works…

It turned out to be the Boy's Gulliver's Travels that Granny had given him, and Dicky had at last to explain his rage with the devil who wrote it to show that men were worse than beasts and the human race a washout. A boy who never had good school reports had no right to be so morbidly sensitive as to penetrate to the underlying cynicism of Swift's delightful fable, and th ~ Margaret Irwin

A sexual athlete is not likely to find sufficient energy for work of another athletic kind, and the acting of great parts most definitely was and always will be athletic, depending on inner if not on visible energy. Members of other professions that depend on the expenditure of physical energy must, I believe, find similar difficulties when attempting to double up on their energies. One has often heard that the most magnificent specimens of boxers, wrestlers and champions in almost every branch of athletic sport prove to be disappointing upon the removal of that revered jockstrap. ~ Laurence Olivier

My uncle, Mr. Stephen Maple, had been at the same time the most successful and the least respectable of our family, so that we hardly knew whether to take credit for his wealth or to feel ashamed of his position. ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

My secret world of bosom sculpting is crashing down around me. I'm destined for bra-stuffing rehab in a distant boobicus minimus land. I just know it. ~ Amy Holder

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt. ~ Dave Barry

The steady state of disks is full. ~ Ken Thompson

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. ~ George Carlin

Each memorable verse of a true poet has two or three times the written content. ~ Alfred De Musset

Alright. So how are we getting down there? Can you turn invisible or something?"

"What do I look like? A magician?"

"Well, can you fight?"

"Can you?"

"No," said Thalcu with a sad laugh. "Zonbiri women aren't allowed to handle anything bigger than a butter knife. Not legally, anyway. Besides, I could never shoot a gun. My hands are used to pushing remote control buttons, pounding game controllers . . . picking the good chips from the bag. ~ Ash Gray

I can work on a verse for a very long time before realising it's not any good and then, and only then, can I discard it. ~ Leonard Cohen

Buford, my beloved vintage 1930's Underwood Universal Champion Portable typewriter. You are both my writing partner and my best friend. This journey you and I have been on has been fun. Although in 2016 you gave me carpal tunnel. In both hands. Didn't think I knew it was you, did you? You sneaky sombitch. ~ A.K. Kuykendall

THE UNOFFICIAL AND UNWRITTEN
(but you better follow them or you're going to get beaten twice as hard)
SPOKANE INDIAN RULES OF FISTICUFFS:
1. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.
2. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IS GOING TO INSULT YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.
3. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IS THINKING ABOUT INSULTING YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.
4. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS ANY OF YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, OR IF YOU THINK THEY'RE GOING TO INSULT YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, OR IF YOU THINK THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT INSULTING YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.
5. YOU SHOULD NEVER FIGHT A GIRL, UNLESS SHE INSULTS YOU, YOUR FAMILY, OR YOUR FRIENDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HER.
6. IF SOMEBODY BEATS UP YOUR FATHER OR YOUR MOTHER, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT THE SON AND/OR DAUGHTER OF THE PERSON WHO BEAT UP YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER.
7. IF YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER BEATS UP SOMEBODY, THEN THAT PERSON'S SON AND/OR DAUGHTER WILL FIGHT YOU.
8. YOU MUST ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH THE SONS AND/OR DAUGHTERS OF ANY INDIANS WHO WORK FOR THE BUREA OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.
9. YOU MUST ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH THE SONS AND/OR DAUGHTERS OF ANY WHITE PEOPLE WHO LIVE ANYWHERE ON THE RESERVATION.
10. IF YOU GET IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEBODY WHO IS SURE TO BEAT YOU UP, THEN YOU MUST THROW THE FIRST PUNCH, BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY PUNCH YOU'LL EVER GET TO THROW.
11. IN ANY FIGHT, THE LOSER IS THE FIRST ONE WHO CRIES. ~ Sherman Alexie

Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood. ~ Cal Thomas

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. ~ Leah Broadby

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time. ~ Julie Powell

Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year" For a kid, the ultimate source of confusion. They say it's a new year, but after the break, you realize you are still in the same class, with the same lousy people. ~ Matthew D. Heines

God chose to introduce Himself to us in the first verse of Genesis as a Creator. And yet so few Christians really understand the power of creativity to influence the culture. ~ Phil Cooke

Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx

Make the verses flow together. If a following verse has nothing to do with the previous, you may lose our listener/reader. You want a smooth flow to hear or read, and it's easier to memorize. ~ Margaret Atwood

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. ~ Elizabeth Taylor

Eternity is a big concept. We read in the pages of Holy Writ that God has "set eternity in the hearts of men" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). This inspiring verse led one commentator to reflect, "Though living in a world of time, man has intimations of eternity. Instinctively he thinks of 'forever,' and though he cannot understand the concept, he realizes that beyond this life there is the possibility of a shoreless ocean of time."2 ~ Ron Rhodes

There are times when every act, no matter how private or unconscious, becomes political. Whom you live with, how you wear your hair, whether you marry, whether you insist that your child take piano lessons, what are the brand names on your shelf; all these become political decisions. At other times, no act
no campaign or tract, statement or rampage
has any political charge at all. People with the least sense of which times are, and which are not, political are usually most avid about politics. At six one morning, Will went out in jeans and a frayed sweater to buy a quart of milk. A tourist bus went by. The megaphone was directed at him. "There's one," it said. That was in the 1960's. Ever since, he's wondered. There's one what? ~ Renata Adler

If you're preaching, I've already got religion. And if you're selling, I ain't buying--unless you've got binoculars. I could use some new binoculars. ~ Laura Bradford

I can't help but smile when I read that someone was inspired by the voices in their head and how they just had to let them out. Yes I smile because once my husband read what the voices in my head were saying he started sleeping with one eye open and with one foot on the floor. ~ Angelique Jones

If I lost focus for even a moment, she's smack me with her stick and say, "Dreaming of dancing with your dark prince? ~ Leigh Bardugo

It may happen that he sends a letter in verse, a mag-ni-fi-cent one, but which afterward he might wish to bring back with the tears of his whole life, for the sense of beauty is violated. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery. ~ George Carlin

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

There's no such thing as a sane woman. ~ Andrew Sturm