Humor Racist Joke Quotes

Yes, Fraulein,' he said to Hannah. 'How gauche of you to have been born in another county. It is almost a capital offense. Here in this house we believe that one must be severely punished for the happenstance of one's birth.' His face was a jester's mask of mockery, but there was a tightness about his eyes, a tense set to his smile. 'What a dilemma for the English, though- we agree with Germany on so many things, including the patent inferiority of anyone who is not US. Darling Mum, did it ever occur to you that to the rest of the world, WE are foreigners?'
'The very idea!' Lady Liripip said with a nervous titter. ~ Laura L. Sullivan

If someone's a racist, punch them in the mouth so they will be sadder, and therefore less likely to stereotype. (Even if Fargas's theory is flawed, on the upside, at least you've punched a racist in the mouth.) ~ Jeff Wilser

So what have I learned that is helpful? Well, if you are white, like I am, you can't get rid of the privilege you have, but you can use it for good. Don't say I don't even notice race! like it's a positive thing. Instead, recognize that differences between people make it harder for some to cross a finish line, and create fair paths to success for everyone that accommodate those differences. Educate yourself. If you think someone's voice is being ignored, tell others to listen. If your friend makes a racist joke, call him out on it, instead of just going along with it. If the two former skinheads I met can have such a complete change of heart, I feel confident that ordinary people can, too. ~ Jodi Picoult

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

Ramon looked closely at the little guy as he ate. "Maybe he's Jewish. I mean, if Sammy Davis Jr. could convert to Judaism, why not a chupacabra? We should name him Harry Mendelbaum."
I held up my arms in protest. "You're all racist. Now shut up. We'll call him Taco von Precious of Svenenstein. There, everybody happy?"
"Isn't von the same thing as of?" Frank asked. "Wouldn't that be kind of redundant?"
"You're redundant," I said. ~ Lish McBride

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? ~ Steven Wright

That fact forms the center of a slightly racist joke referencing Ritsuko City's large population of Japanese speakers. And I could certainly have escaped justice indefinitely by crossing the Black. But I'd have to lose my last scrap of self-respect, and in that case I would take up transvestite hooking before piracy. At least that would make for a less awkward conversation with Dad. ~ Yahtzee Croshaw

There's always someone who's going to interpret my material as racist, but it's not. Racism comes from intent and power. A racist will tell a joke about a group of people only when they're not in the room. I'll talk about a group of people only when they're in the room. ~ Russell Peters

When we hide racism under the guise of 'humor,' we insulate white racist privilege and make a mockery of civil rights. ~ DaShanne Stokes

He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper. ~ Katt Williams

You see, my father was short, and my mother was short too. So was my grandparents, and my great grandparents - I come from a long lineage of short men and women - not one of us was above five feet. We were as tall as the Chinese. I know that sounded racist, but that will only be true if I was tall, so you see, being short has its own privileges. ~ Nick Nwaogu

I have written about the "toxic church" I grew up in: a legalistic, angry, racist church in the South. I joke about being "in recovery" from that church, learning along the way that much presented as absolute truth was in fact wrong. As a result, when I began writing I saw myself as someone on the edge, more comfortable asking questions than proposing answers. My early book titles (Where Is God When It Hurts, Disappointment with God) betray what I struggled with and how I ~ Philip Yancey

What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn't read Tolkien. ~ Patricia Briggs

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue.
"Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' queue!"
Never apologize, advises Lloyd George. Say it again, only this time, ruder. "I know there's a 'fackin' queue'! I already queued in it once and I am not going to queue in it again just because Nina Simone over there won't sell me a ruddy ticket!"
A colored yeti in a clip-on uniform swooped. "Wassa bovver?"
"This old man here reckons his colostomy bag entitles him to jump the queue," said the skinhead, "and make racist slurs about the lady of Afro-Caribbean extraction in the advance-travel window."
I couldn't believe I was hearing this. ~ David Mitchell

It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor - which people like in America - all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel-selling-ring-tones act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride. ~ David Cross

Jokes are funny only in context. There is no such thing as abstract clever word play. Words have meaning in the world in which we live, not in the abstract. Take away the politics, and there is no joke. The joke wouldn't make any sense. if the joke is funny, it's funny precisely because it's racist and sexist. ~ Robert Jensen

Real racist jokes or sexist jokes aren't funny - not because they're offensive, but because they're not true. As soon as a joke is based on an untruth, it's not funny. ~ Ricky Gervais

In the United States and Canada, many young people are currently being raised on the idea of "safe spaces". Ideas that fall outside of the framework of Political Correctness are seen as so offensive that hearing these ideas is believed to be psychologically damaging. The young generation should therefore get 'protected' from these opposing ideas. It is hard to come up with a more effective way to create a generation of idiots. Besides being deeply and intensely indoctrinated with Political Correctness, these young people have an additional tendency to connect Western values and principles to the concept of "white supremacy". Western values and principles are thus "racist" and Western Civilisation is "oppressive". ~ Paul Nielsen

We try to get out of these cocoons and make our way down to where our bodies are. We try shoplifting and racist/sexist/ageist humor (trying to offend our way out); we get naked on stage. We try sleep deprivation and razors on our skin. We date creepy, scary sleazes who we half-hope, half-fear might do the cutting for us. But we're so used to living inside a dream, even cutting feels dreamy. We can't get out. We can't wake up. ~ Lisa Crystal Carver

My friends often say I'm the most racist person they know against Asians. And it's sort of like, "If I make the joke first, then I have the power and I'm holding the cards and you're not going to put me down for that." ~ Pearl Tan

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world.
...
Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:
...
5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you. ~ Eugene Mirman

Greg was a supernice guy and a good tenant."
"I met him only once, but he seemed pretty cool," I said. "Of course, the neighbor across the street was convinced he was up to no good."
"Oh, my God, that racist bitch? I swear, I wanted to rent the place out to a black Jewish gay couple just to piss her off, but then I figured it wouldn't be fair to the black Jewish gay couple. ~ Diana Rowland

You'll hear people say it's racist to test. Folks, it's racist not to test. Because guess who gets shuffled through the system oftentimes? Children whose parents don't speak English as a first language, inner-city kids. It's so much easier to quit on somebody than to remediate. ~ George W. Bush

I was told this comment was only a "joke." Hell to the no. I don't care how chummy we are, you don't get to be racist in the name of comedy. There's nothing funny about reducing me to the damaging stereotypes that have stuck around for centuries. ~ Phoebe Robinson

I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I've been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it's good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called."
"Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?"
"Oh, no, that's just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?"
"Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being."
"So, you're saying I'm a racist? ~ Darynda Jones

The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying. ~ Suzanne Collins

You are allowed to float around having no damned idea what you want to do with yourself with no actual time frame in which you need to figure it out. ~ Brittany Gibbons

Jim Pagliaroni joined the club tonight and is going to be a welcome addition. He was describing a girl that one of the ballplayers had been out with and said, "It's hard to say exactly what she looked like. She was kind of Joe Torre with tits." This joke can only be explained with a picture of Joe Torre. But I'm not sure any exist. He dissolves camera lenses. ~ Jim Bouton

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" ~ Henny Youngman

Many complain of their looks, few of their brains. ~ Sally Koslow

Micro-aggression - The plastic gun of racism; you can sneak this one through security most of the time because it is comprised of nonracist ways of being racist, nonsexist ways of being sexist, and the like. E.g., You're not like other BLANK people, or, You speak English very well. ~ T. Geronimo Johnson

BRICK [to the moon]: I envy you--you cool son of a bitch. ~ Tennessee Williams

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn't keep my hands or lips off of him. "God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted."
He laughed. "That's something the vampire should be saying to you, not the other way around. ~ Tish Thawer

The whole damn century would've made more sense backwards. Where we ended is worse than where we began. ~ Rebecca Makkai

Aaron's eyes widened. "That's Lexi?" he asked.

Kyran turned to him with a frown. "Yeah. Why?"

"Nothing," Aaron said. "It's just...when I heard Skyler was messing
around with Lexi," he shrugged, "I figured she was your...girlfriend."

Kyran raised an eyebrow. "Skyler's stupid, not suicidal. ~ S.F. Mazhar

Sarah turned her narrow-eyed gaze on him, making me glad once more that Antimony's comic books got it wrong, and telepaths can't actually kill you with their brains. Give you a whopping headache and earworm you with annoying jingles, yes; kill you, no. (Although sometimes, when she's managed to stick "The Happy Banana Song" in my head for a week, I sort of wish she could kill people with her brain. It would be kinder.) ~ Seanan McGuire

What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually have a joke. I don't tell jokes much. I tell little stories. ~ Howard Dean

Cops were distrustful; they always wanted to know why you decided to dig a hole in the middle of nowhere. ~ Lou Harper

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection. ~ Matthew Heines

I picked out Nathan and James standing next to each other and wiggled in between them.
"Dude we got lucky, threesome." James whispered over my head to Nathan.
"Puh-leez ... " I muttered and rolled my eyes.
Nathan shushed us both. ~ Bella Shadow

Love and magic have a great deal in common. they enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice. ~ Nora Roberts

Life's a ride in a car going downhill, and the car's got no steering wheel. So all you can do is try to guide it with your weight.
Sometimes you make the turns you wanna make. Sometimes, you hit the tree. ~ Charlie Carillo