Science Humor Quotes

The President of the Universe holds no real power. His sole purpose is to take attention away from where the power truly exists ... ~ Douglas Adams

Living meaningfully means being bigger than just yourself. It means making the world a better place because you were here. It is possible to do this through your job, especially if your work involves helping others but even if it does not. ~ Amy Alkon, Good Manners - For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock ... Who's There?.. Little endorphin ... Little endorphin who? ... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

The outgroup is rocks. ~ Joseph Felsenstein

There are 2 hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-1 errors. ~ Leon Bambrick

Quite often, intent on conveying how things can go wrong for a culture (science fiction) or an individual (horror) or all of magical creation (fantasy), works of fantastika often preclude comedy, because humor gets in the way of messages of doom or struggle. ~ Paul Di Filippo

To begin with, for you to be here now, trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. For the next many years (we hope) these tiny particles will uncomplainingly engage in all the billions of deft, cooperative efforts necessary to keep you intact and let you experience the supremely agreeable but generally under appreciated state known as existence ~ Bill Bryson

The table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise. ~ Lemony Snicket

In the sciences, looking good was usually a negative. It implied you wasted time on outdoor activities instead of building something useful. Even using hair product or makeup implied misguided priorities. Like you thought how things looked mattered, instead of how they worked. We liked to look at attractive people. We expected it of our movie stars and TV characters. But we did not respect it. We knew physical attractiveness was inversely correlated with intelligence, because look at us. ~ Max Barry

In some universes, all possible pasts funnel towards a single fixed ending, Ω.

It you are of millenarian bent, you might call Ω Armageddon, If you are of grammatical bent, you might call it punctuation on a cosmological scale.

If you are a philosopher in such a universe, you might call Ω inevitable. ~ Yoon Ha Lee

My father would argue two side of a möbius strip. ~ Dan Brown

one of the healthy vegetable with different color, it come in by a lot of fun and beautiful fall season. Gardening, seasons, life, and what people doing with pumpkin. Family can have a lot of fun and enjoy their time (and at the same time learn a lot of new things) ~ Jill Esbaum

Humor is rare in science fiction ... there's so little of it that it automatically reminds you of other heroes with that acerbic humor when you find it. ~ John Scalzi

For large values of 1, 1 approaches 2, for small values of 2. ~ Keith Caserta

From my close observation of writers ... they fall into two groups: 1) those who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and 2) those who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review. ~ Isaac Asimov

The ocean is a Turing machine, the sand is its tape; the water reads the marks in the sand and sometimes erases them and sometimes carves new ones with tiny currents that are themselves a response to the marks. ~ Neal Stephenson

Ask Gandhi, and eye for an eye makes us both blind ... ask an engineer, and the numbers don't lie - the first to strike wins. ~ Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur

Science is a satisfactory curiosity. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

As fandom grew more variegated, genzines reflected a broadening of interests, carrying personal columns of humor and reflection, science articles, amateur fiction, stylish gossip, and inevitably, thoughtful pieces on the future of fandom. ~ Gregory Benford

Halt you villains! Unhand that science! ~ Noelle Stevenson

When the ANSI C standard was under development, the pragma directive was introduced. Borrowed from Ada, #pragma is used to convey hints to the compiler, such as the desire to expand a particular function in-line or suppress range checks. Not previously seen in C, pragma met with some initial resistance from a gcc implementor, who took the "implementation-defined" effect very literally - in gcc version 1.34, the use of pragma causes the compiler to stop compiling and launch a computer game instead! The gcc manual contained the following: The "#pragma" command is specified in the ANSI standard to have an arbitrary implementation-defined effect. In the GNU C preprocessor, "#pragma" first attempts to run the game "rogue"; if that fails, it tries to run the game "hack"; if that fails, it tries to run GNU Emacs displaying the Tower of Hanoi; if that fails, it reports a fatal error. In any case, preprocessing does not continue. - Manual for version 1.34 of the GNU C compiler ~ Peter Van Der Linden

An international power supply is the device which means it doesn't matter what country you're in, or even if you know what country you're in (more of a problem than you might suspect) - you just plug your Mac in and it figures it out for itself. We call this principle Plug and Play. Or at least, Microsoft calls it that because it hasn't got it yet. In the Mac world we've had it for so long we didn't even think of giving it a name. ~ Douglas Adams

Picking my topics is sort of a process of elimination for me. Most things don't work for me. I like to cover science and unexpected things happening in labs. Also, theoretical research doesn't work for my style. I need scenes and interactions. Then, humor. I'm having the most fun when I can have fun with my work. ~ Mary Roach

How did you find me?"
"You were lying in the grass a metre away from me. It wasn't rocket science. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

Hip - Someone who knows the score. Someone who understands "jive talk." Someone who is "with it." The expression is not subject to definition because, if you don't "dig" what it means, no one can ever tell you. ~ William S. Burroughs

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. ~ Jules Renard

There is a new science of complexity which says that the link between cause and effect is increasingly difficult to trace; that change (planned or otherwise) unfolds in non-linear ways; that paradoxes and contradictions abound; and that creative solutions arise out of diversity, uncertainty and chaos. ~ Andy Hargreaves

It has often been said
there's so much to be read,
you never can cram
all those words in your head.
So the writer who breeds
more words than he needs
is making a chore
for the reader who reads.
That's why my belief is
the briefer the brief is,
the greater the sigh
of the reader's relief is.
And that's why your books
have such power and strength.
You publish with shorth!
(Shorth is better than length.) ~ Dr. Seuss

Christianity ... made, for nearly 1,500 years, persecution, religious wars, massacres, theological feuds and bloodshed, heresy huntings and heretic burnings, prisons, dungeons, anathemas, curses, opposition to science, hatred of liberty, spiritual bondage, the life without love or laughter ... ~ M. M. Mangasarian

Don't worry, I'm not quitting. I've decided I'm going to stay and
make his life a living hell while I run his business into the ground.
Kim to Abe ~ Devon Rhodes

Acting on desire is more like a craft, a science, an art. It takes careful mindful practice. Be patient and quiet. Listen, observe, take notes. Figure out what you want, privately, and then choose to want it, publicly. Put your desire out in the open. I want to go swimming. I want to bake bread. I want to paint a picture. I want to build a chair. I want to write a book. You act and then you fail. Over and over. And it's better to start failing when you're young, when all you lose is an ice-cream cone or a basketball game or an afternoon of fun. When you're older, the stakes are higher. If adults don't know how to want, then they lose a love, a career, a life. ~ David Barringer

The worldly [spiritual] science is methodic (kramic) in nature; one progresses "step by step"; one has to ascent one step at a time. Whereas this here, is Akram Vignan, a path of step-less spiritual science; it is a science that has arisen after 10 Lac (a million) years. In this path, one travels in only an 'elevator'. There is no effort to climb stairs here. Thereafter, one is constantly in the uninterrupted bliss of the Self (samadhi). There is constant bliss amidst mental affliction (aadhi), internal suffering (vyadhi) and externally induced affliction (oopadhi). ~ Dada Bhagwan

I want to make it clear to people that the idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous. ~ George W. Bush

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable. ~ Bob Newhart

In this time of budget cuts, we cannot forget that basic science is a building block for scientific innovation and economic growth in the information age. ~ Tim Bishop

I guess, for me, I've always thought that there was humor everywhere. And as a kid, I just, you know, I grew up an only child, and I - sort of nothing made me happier than to make my parents laugh. I remember I had costumes and things laying around the house that I was, you know, anything that I could do to make my parents laugh. ~ Justin Timberlake

I really have to befriend this asshole?" I whispered harshly to Dilmore "Yep."
"Well thanks Dilmore this is going to turn out swell. ~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

The priest rubbed his bruised shoulder, the eyes within the feline mask glaring at Stonny. At Gruntle's words he faced the Daru again. 'These are not matters open to debate, Mortal Sword. You are what you are-'
'I'm a caravan guard captain, and damned good at it. When I'm sober, that is.'
'You are the master of war in the name of the Lord of Summer-'
We'll call that a hobby. ~ Steven Erikson

Although we often hear that data speak for themselves, their voices can be soft and sly ~ Frederick Mosteller

Surely it is a great thing to increase the numerous host of fixed stars previously visible to the unaided vision, adding countless more which have never before been seen, exposing these plainly to the eye in numbers ten times exceeding the old and familiar stars. ~ Galileo Galilei

Um, because you're loopier than Flacky McPsycho, Mayor of Crazytown?"
"My databases show no record of this Crazytown of which you speak. A brain the size of an entire city burns inside me. My intelligence quotient is beyond the human scale. I would prefer if you did not refer to me in such a fashion."
"Oh, poor baby. Did I hurt the mass-murdering psychopathic artificial intelligence's feelings? ~ Amie Kaufman

It is not my intention to be fulsome, but I confess that I covet your skull. ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

Literature stands related to Man as Science stands to Nature; it is his history. ~ John Henry Newman

A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That's what I like about coincidence. ~ Vladimir Nabokov

Medicine is my lawful wife, and literature is my mistress. When I get fed up with one, I spend the night with the other ~ Anton Chekhov

Authors often say that their novels are like their children, and you want your novel, just like your children, to reflect well on you. When it goes out into the world, you hope that it will make you proud. But like a parent, an author must learn that her novel has needs of its own, and they are not the same as the author's.
Yes, you want your son's behavior toward women to reflect a loving relationship with his mother. However, if a woman is compelled to think about that relationship whenever they're in bed together, something has gone very very wrong. ~ Howard Mittelmark

Often there are two different reasons given for this natural desire to simplify. First is that we as humans have a very limited imagination and whichever medium we use to understand the world - be it science, religion, philosophy, or art -we will end up exploting the same limited set of ideas available to us. ~ Vlatko Vedral

I first heard Personville called Poisonville by a red-haired mucker named Hickey Dewey in the Big Ship in Butte. He also called his shirt a shoit. I didn't think anything of what he had done to the city's name. Later I heard men who could manage their r's give it the same pronunciation. I still didn't see anything in it but the meaningless sort of humor that used to make richardsnary the thieves' word for dictionary. A few years later I went to Personville and learned better. ~ Dashiell Hammett

The thief, as will become apparent, was a special type of thief. This thief was an artist of theft. Other thieves merely stole everything that was not nailed down, but this thief stole the nails as well. ~ Terry Pratchett

History has taught us: never underestimate the amount of money, time, and effort someone will expend to thwart a security system. It's always better to assume the worst. Assume your adversaries are better than they are. Assume science and technology will soon be able to do things they cannot yet. Give yourself a margin for error. Give yourself more security than you need today. When the unexpected happens, you'll be glad you did. ~ Bruce Schneier

The central opposition between magic and science is the opposition between power and knowledge. ~ Jacob Bronowski

Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.
"I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying. ~ Diana Wynne Jones

On the wisdom with which we bring science to bear in the war against disease, in the creation of new industries, and in the strengthening of our Armed Forces depends in large measure our future as a nation. ~ Vannevar Bush

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. ~ Tim Vine

To say that a man is made up of certain chemical elements is a satisfactory description only for those who intend to use him as a fertilizer. ~ Hermann Joseph Muller

Philip couldn't fornicate if you put him in a barrel with three whores. ~ Ken Follett

In most of my campaigns, I find it is best not to mention my opponent by name because, by doing so, it just gives him a chance to get into the headlines. ~ Harry Truman

I found myself wishing that Jeeves wasn't always so dashed tactful. I mean, it's all very well to remove yourself like an eel sliding into mud when the employer has a visitor, but there are moments - and it looked to me as if this was going to be one of them -
when the truer tact is to stick round and stand ready to lend a hand in the free-for-all. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

We will eventually build space science labs and hotels, prodding the capability for missions beyond the orbit of the Earth. Our space-hotel guests will be able to take breath-taking excursions, flying a couple of hundred feet above the Moon's surface in small two-man spaceships. In time, we will launch missions to Mars and beyond. ~ Richard Branson