Humor Dogs Quotes

There's life after divorce, Sarah,' my father proclaimed, not that he'd ever been divorced. ~ Claire Cook

Maybe part of find what you wanted was recognizing what you didn't want. Maybe there was hope for me yet. ~ Claire Cook

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Get rid of the dog! Tick Tock! ~ Nishta Kochar

I was 11 or 12 years old when I first saw 'Reservoir Dogs.' I remember after I saw that film, I kept renting it from the video store because I wanted all of my friends to see it. ~ Samm Levine

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor. ~ Denis Leary

I change the channel to another movie. An old one, but new to me. And, ironically, a thin, gorgeous blonde - Meg Ryan, maybe - rides her bike on a country road. She smiles like she has no cares in the world. Like no one ever judges her. Like her life is perfect. Wind through her hair and sunshine on her face. The only thing missing are the rainbows and butterflies and cartoon birds singing on her shoulder.

Maybe I should grab my bike and try to catch up with Mom, Mike, and the kids. They can't be going very fast. I would love to feel like that, even if it's just for a second - free and peaceful and normal.
Suddenly, there's a truck. It can't be headed toward Meg Ryan. Could it? Yes. Oh my God. No! Meg Ryan just got hit by that truck.

Figures. See what happens when you exercise? ~ K.A. Barson

Sometimes when dogs greeted a returning soldier, they'd go over the edge. They would have to take a few moments to run crazily in circles around the human, or around a room or a yard. I'd have to take a break from watching, so my brain had a chance to absorb what I was seeing: that there is such a thing as joy being bigger than the container that holds it. ~ Ellen Cooney

Ease up. the day was rued when we came upon it, or when it came upon us, and beheld us marring the horizon, sitting here like unconquerable savages, men missing their dogs and talking pointlessly unless talk to the dead. let's sharpen something. ~ Padgett Powell

It just seemed so unmanly – just like his poetry. He'd rather fight the biggest guy in the club than submit to that much scrutiny. ~ Jim Lowe

As a matter of fact, Ona spent more credits on the window shades alone than you will make in your entire lifetime and that's if you live to be 185."
"And that's meant to make me feel better?" I said.
"No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny. ~ John Zakour

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism. ~ Bill Bailey

Pleasure to meet you, Prince Larden. The name is Lady Thaddea from House of Wright."
"Yeah, I think I remember you, by the other name. You once kicked my royal ass."
"Oh, so you decide we don't need to draw the line, no? Fine then, good to see you again, mate. You look, and smell, like a tuna who just saw a ghost. ~ Rea Lidde

The dragon flew up and settled in the crook of Mina's hood, and quickly became invisible again.
"I don't trust that thing," Jared shot back.
"Relax, I find him quite cute. Isn't that right, Ander?" She held up a finger and felt the invisible dragon rub its face against her.
"Great, you've named it, now you're gonna want to keep it. But I'm telling you that thing better be house-trained." He turned to the bookshelf and began to pull open the book to open the hidden exit door.
Mina felt Ander leave her shoulder but didn't let Jared know he was missing. She saw Constance's teacup float mysteriously above Jared's head. She clapped her hand over her mouth to contain the laughter. A second later the cup turned over, spilling lukewarm tea on Jared's unsuspecting head.
"Oh, it better not have just peed on me!" he screamed. ~ Chanda Hahn

I've been waiting my whole life to fuck up like this. ~ Robert Stone

Her insides began to roar with a ferocious explosion of sensation and entitlement. For a moment, her thinking mind know this was what male and females were put on earth to do. ~ Lisa McKnight

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell
when no one was around to be crushed. ~ Kresley Cole

I devised a sort of strategy for any sort of discussion that was over my head: I became the moderator. If you're the group's John McLaughlin, you can fake being informed while still being involved by deploying a few pointed but vague questions. If a person is holding forth and another is twitching to interrupt, jump in and ask her why she disagrees. Ask follow-up questions. Nod vigorously while saying things like 'in what sense?' or 'How, specifically?' That way, you smoothly take control of the conversation without actually contributing anything even remotely worthwhile or informative. ~ Jancee Dunn

DON'T CROSS THIS LINE WITH YOUR HAND! ~ Kahmunrah

First, you must light a middling fire under the cauldron."

"What's a middling fire?"

"Medium."

I searched the pot. "Where's the ignition switch?"

Bridget leaned in and whispered, "You use magic to start the fire. ~ Lowvee Cole

Can't living with the bill means it won't become law. ~ George W. Bush

Does getting nailed by a werewolf count as bestiality? ~ Nicki Elson

We want Max to ... breed. To produce heirs. Who will govern the world after she dies."
Dead silence for quite some time. We all stared at Dr. Hans, our jaws dropped to various levels. Our lives had reached a new low of inhumanity.
My face flushed. Part of me had assumed, hoped, that if Fang and I lived long enough, we would get married. Maybe have a little flock of our own. But i really hadn't planned it all out. And he was gone now, anyway. How could I possibly ever find someone ...
My eyes scanned Dylan's face, I saw his discomfort.
"Oh, no," I said in horror.
"Yes," Angel confirmed. "Freaking unbelievable. ~ James Patterson

There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness. ~ Kristin Cashore

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! ~ Henny Youngman

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:
'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it. ~ John Green

Adrian briefly closed his eyes. "It's alright, Winston. We're just trying-"

"No, it's not all right," said Oscar, slamming his fist on the table. "It's obvious you know something, and we're not leaving this room until you tell us what it is!"

Winston frowned. "They said we only had fifteen minutes."

"That-" started Oscar, holding up a finger. Then he deflated, clearing his throat. "- was actually true... ~ Marissa Meyer

A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, "Ouch. What in the hell was that for?" "Your timing sucks on an epic level," Daemon shot back. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

When Renee and I talked about it years later, we agreed on one point: We were insane. Renee always said, "If any of our kids want to get married when they're twenty-five, we'll have to lock them in the attic." We were just kids, and everybody who came to the wedding party was guilty of shameful if not criminal negligence
look at the shiny pretty toaster, isn't it cute to see the babies playing with it in the bathtub? Jesus, people! ~ Rob Sheffield

Though amid all the smoking horror and diabolism of a sea-fight, sharks will be seen longingly gazing up to the ship's decks, like hungry dogs round a table where red meat is being carved, ready to bolt down every killed man that is tossed to them. ~ Herman Melville

Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count. ~ Kin Hubbard

A gurgling chuckle came from behind him; Jonas had heard it often enough to know that it signified something as close to laughter as the creature ever got. Yet you believe those things won't come if you serve your Lord? You know what they say about the road to Hell, Judas. ~ Kaine Andrews

Pulling the chair out for me, he invited me to sit.
I stood there wondering if I could sprint for the nearest exit. Stupid strappy shoes, I'd never make it.
He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I know what you're thinking, and I'm not going to let you escape again. You can either take a seat and have dinner with me like a normal date," he grinned at his word choice, "or," he paused thoughtfully then threatened, "you can sit on my lap while I force-feed you. ~ Colleen Houck

They can herd you only because you can't herd yourselves. Forget the flock. Forget the dogs. Herd yourselves (p. 223).
Melmouth, of the George Flock in Three Bags Full ~ Leonie Swann

The setting was alpha's giving, and we were playing the awkward game. I was asked, "Who would go gay for five dollars?" In my head, I was thinking going on one date not marriage, so I chose someone easily. When the question was revealed and protests began, thank God only Isa heard my defense: "I just thought she would do it for the money. ~ Claudia Arana

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records. ~ Frankie Boyle

Christianity and Buddhism are very much alike, especially Buddhism. ~ G.K. Chesterton

I hope you understand that it is not the tooth of the saber-toothed tiger I want, it is the tiger. I don't care if it's a old toothless tiger or not, just so it's alive. I intend to start a zoo. ~ Flannery O'Connor

Economists and psychologists get confused when they are asked 'out of syllabus' questions by life! ~ Saurabh Sharma

Mark Twain describes how his friend Ralph Keeler introduced him at the start of a lecture: 'I don't know anything about this man. At least I know only two things; one is, he hasn't been in the penitentiary, and the other is (after a pause, and almost sadly), I don't know why. ~ Mark Twain

Norway ... looked to Roosevelt as funny a kingdom as was ever imagined outside of opera bouffe ... It is much as if Vermont should offhand try the experiment of having a king. ~ Edmund Morris

Success for me is simply empowerment to realize your humanity and then perhaps you achieve contentment. Wealth, power and fame are trappings rather than indicators of success. ~ Joseph V. Angeles

Ethan: "Abstaining definitely doesn't work."
Beth: "what do you suggest?"
Ethan: "We're obviously going to have to make love often, but keep the encounters from getting too intense." He sounded perfectly serious, like he really believed what he was saying. ~ Lucy Monroe

Find 100 reasons to laugh. You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. Besides unhappiness, what do you have to lose? ~ Steve Goodier

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him? ~ Bill Watterson

Dogs don't make mistakes. ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave. ~ Stephen Colbert

Hi honey, I'm home! Take your pants off! Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink. ~ J.M. Colail

I'm not a potato sack; I've never sat on my couch. If I'm home, I'm cleaning, feeding my dogs, doing stuff. Life is too precious to waste time. ~ Gisele Bundchen

My name is Mary Katherine Blackwood. I am eighteen years old, and I live with my sister Constance. I have often thought that with any luck at all, I could have been born a werewolf, because the two middle fingers on both my hands are the same length, but I have had to be content with what I had. I dislike washing myself, and dogs, and noise. I like my sister Constance, and Richard Plantagenet, and Amanita phalloides, the death-cup mushroom. Everyone else in our family is dead. ~ Shirley Jackson