Dog Humor Quotes

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are here to remind us life really is a simple thing. You eat, sleep, take walks, and pee when you must. That's about all there is. They are quick to forgive trespasses and assume strangers will be kind. ~ Jonathan Carroll

It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself up out of the dark abyss of pish and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash. ~ H.L. Mencken

My sister wanted a cat for a pet ... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark. ~ Chic Murray

You will respect my authori-tah!' Oberon said, in a passable imitation of Eric Cartman. I reminded him that I needed to concentrate. Sometimes dogs forget; they just get too excited. ~ Kevin Hearne

Werewolves? Oh please, just plain stupid. Who wants to get it on with a man ruled by his inner dog? ~ Karen Marie Moning

Do you think Bubbles wants Chinese food
because it's made out of cats?" Genevieve questioned, shoveling a big bite into her mouth.
"Genevieve, that's just gross and wrong. Don't say things like that. Bubbles is a dog, and their stomachs are bottomless pits. They'll eat anything and
everything in sight."
Genevieve quickly swallowed. "Well, Bobby said in China they eat cats."
"Gen, I assure you, we.are.not eating cats," I responded slowly trying to make sure another food wasn't crossed off her 'will eat' list. It was ever growing shorter.
"All lies!" Genevieve proclaimed, sticking her fork high in the air with a piece of chicken, only to have it fall, never touching the floor. "See? Cat! ~ Ottilie Weber

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed. ~ Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." ~ Tommy Cooper

Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?'
'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.'
'The dog did nothing in the night-time.'
'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes. ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. ~ Ambrose Bierce

JJ informed me, when he dropped them off, that they are French bulldogs, which has led med to reassess my opinion of the French. They may know a lot about making wine and fries, but they don't know jacques-merde about making dogs. ~ Melissa DeCarlo

Life is not complete without a dog ~ Max Sherman

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma. ~ Mark Twain

The American dream was not supposed to look like this, and when men went off the war, too often other men came in the night to the bedroom at the back of the long, narrow trailers. In fact, I had lived there and had gone off to war, and someone took of my place in the bed and took of my young wife. But that was few wars ago, and so much has happened since , that the only lingering bitterness left is that the bastard also took my dog. ~ Nelson DeMille

I think I know why you never married, Sarah."
"Well, and I reckoned if I wanted something that'd come and go as he pleased, take me for granted, and ignore me when he chose, I'd get a cat. And if I wanted something I'd always have to be picking up after, getting into trouble, but slavishly devoted,
I'd get a dog. ~ Mercedes Lackey

Some women run with wolves, but the majority would be much happier with your basic lap dog. ~ Paula Wall

I'm convinced that petting a puppy is good luck. ~ Meg Donohue

Terriers usually have their own agenda, kind of like cats, only with a lot more pointless animation. - Sydney Linden ~ S.J. Hunter

Dumb dog. I bought a dog whistle. He won't use it. ~ Karel Capek

Said Buddha to the hot dog vendor, make me one with everything. ~ New York Magazine

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding? ... Noooo ... as funny as that is, I'm not ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that. ~ George W. Bush

He was always eating things of hers. Clothing, books, family heirlooms. ~ Kellyn Roth

Being a hero to someone, even if it is a dog, is a feeling like no other. Though it can be frustrating, it can be the most rewarding thing to give someone a second chance at a happy life. ~ Elizabeth Parker

A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome. ~ Karel Capek

Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy. ~ Kevin Hearne

Bitch, you are SO lucky you didn't try to eat my dog. ~ Jeaniene Frost

Get rid of the dog! Tick Tock! ~ Nishta Kochar

Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette ~ Josh Stern

This is the fast lane, folks ... and some of us like it here. ~ Hunter S. Thompson

Come here." He gestures towards the door.
Would you get a load of this character?
Come here, he says, like I'll just do it.
I do. ~ A. Zavarelli

[Addiction's] not about placating the bad dog - it's about feeding the good dog. You still have to feed the bad dog, but only enough so that the ASPCA doesn't bring you up on charges. ~ Robert Downey, Jr.

When I see imposters like ... Swinburne, [and] Fleay, who know as much early English as my dog, & who fancy they can settle Chaucer difficulties as they blow their noses, then I ridicule or kick them. But earnest students I treat with respect, & am only too glad to learn from them. ~ James Turner

I know you think I am a bad
boy, a bad dog, Bang-Bang told him
with a pointed stare. He placed his
paw in his Tall One's hand. But
know that I am with you. That I will
not leave you. ~ Susan Grant

But with man the case is otherwise, in that when logic leads to any humiliating
conclusion, the sole effect is to discredit logic. ~ James Branch Cabell

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be working."
"Of course you should. I'm alright."
"Even F.I.N.E.?"
She laughed. "Especially that."
Fucked-up. Insecure. Neurotic. Egotistical. ~ Louise Penny

There was nothing like double chocolate chip to solve the sexual problems of women everywhere. ~ Maggie Casper

History is gossip that's been legitimized, and that's really the case when you get into some of the Roman historians. Wow! They'd be right at home on reality tv. ~ Esther M. Friesner

When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips- Bentley Evans ~ Magan Vernon

'Shaggy Dog' was a very, very important movie for me. It was a very enjoyable experience. ~ Robert Downey, Jr.

It's my chance to challenge myself to the fullest, which is one of the great joys about my job ... I love it when a character requires me to look less than my red-carpet best. It's more fun playing a character that requires you to look like dog s - t. ~ Kate Winslet

Esmeralda?" Scarlett turned to the witch next. "Don't you want to do magic, again?"

"Of course I do! It's the only thing I dream of. Casting spells… Turning people into frogs… Genetically engineering my gingerbread army… ~ Cassandra Gannon

A man is not allowed to practise medicine unless he knows something of the human body, but a financier is allowed to operate freely without any knowledge at all of the multifarious effects of his activities, with the sole exception of the effect upon his bank account. ~ Bertrand Russell

Focus. She's Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane's butt like that? ~ Zach ~ Monique DeVere

Just out of curiosity, what constitutes a 'nice cock shot'? I mean, is it the lighting? The pose?"
I'm being sarcastic, but Dean responds in a solemn voice. "Well, the trick is, you've gotta keep the balls out of it. ~ Elle Kennedy

No hawk swooping down upon his prey, no stag improvising new detours by which to trick the huntsman, no dog scenting game from afar is comparable in speed to the celerity of a salesman when he gets wind a deal, to his skill in tripping up or forestalling a rival, and to the art with which he sniffs out and discovers a possible sale. ~ Honore De Balzac

The dog writhing in the gutter, its back broken by a passing car, knows what it is to be alive. So too with the aged elk of the far north woods, slowly dying in the bitter cold of winter. The asphalt upon which the dog lies knows no pain. The snow upon which the elk has collapsed knows not the cold. But living beings do. ~ George Greenstein

Oh, you poor, dear, old boy…come here for a pat on the head." We encountered a very ancient-appearing, dejected Australian Shepherd mix of a dog whose eyes squinted tightly as he faced into the frigid gusts and who shyly skittered the opposite direction as we approached him. ~ Susie Duncan Sexton

Our dog, Comet, is a Lab/poodle mix. She's goofy and silly and sweet. ~ Garth Stein

It can take twenty years to create an overnight success but what you don't hear is that that is the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure. ~ Marc Maron

If a dog can love us unconditionally, why can't we love each other in the same way? ~ Carol McKibben

Do you understand how one small dog - afraid of the wolves who had attacked him and those who would attack him anew - might stand on his hind legs, might evolve in a moment, so he could run away and never return? ~ Sherman Alexie

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe. ~ Andrew Sturm

Philip Larkin has a tough honesty and sense of humor that I find irresistible, as a contemporary poet. ~ Robert Morgan

Jean," Locke gasped out during a brief lull between spasms of retching, "next time I conceive a plan like this, consider putting a hatchet in my skull."
"Hardly efficacious." Jean swapped a full bucket for an empty one and gave Locke a friendly pat on the back. "Dulling my nice sharp blades on a skull as thick as yours ... ~ Scott Lynch

There was a knock at the door. It was Lumiere. The Beast bade him enter.
"Is there anything else you require tonight before retiring, master?"
"I - I thought we might go skating tomorrow."
Lumiere's eyebrows shot up. "Skating, master? You? You've never skated in your life!"
"Belle mentioned that she has skated before. Back in her village. I thought she might like to try it here. How hard can it be?"
"On the backside? Very," said Lumiere. ~ Jennifer Donnelly

Amphora," he murmured against the wide, sweet curve of her lips. His hands slid over the wide, sweet curve of her hips, cupping smoothness cool and solid, timeless and graceful as the swell of ancient pottery, promising abundance. "Like a Grecian vase. God, you've got the most beautiful arse!"

"Jug-butt, huh? ~ Diana Gabaldon

What else is it that should trace the insuperable line? Is it the faculty of reason or perhaps the faculty of discourse? But a full-grown horse or dog is beyond comparison a more rational, as well as more conversable animal, than an infant of a day or a week or even a month old. But suppose they were otherwise, what would it avail? The question is not, Can they reason?, nor Can they talk? but, Can they suffer? Why should the law refuse its protection to any sensitive being? The time will come when humanity will extend its mantle over everything which breathes ... ~ Jeremy Bentham

She needs tampons. Evidently it helps with this process. We have to secure the location of where they are being sold, acquire them and then get them back to my mate posthaste. ~ Alanea Alder

ABSTRACT THOUGHTS in a blue room; Nominative, genitive, etative, accusative one, accusative two, ablative, partitive, illative, instructive, abessive, adessive, inessive, essive, allative, translative, comitative. Sixteen cases of the Finnish noun. Odd, some languages get by with only singular and plural. The American Indian languages even failed to distinguish number. Except Sioux, in which there was a plural only for animate objects. The blue room was round and warm and smooth. No way to say warm in French. There was only hot and tepid If there's no word for it, how do you think about it? And, if there isn't the proper form, you don't have the how even if you have the words. Imagine, in Spanish having to assign a sex to every object: dog, table, tree, can-opener. Imagine, in Hungarian, not being able to assign a sex to anything: he, she, it all the same word. Thou art my friend, but you are my king; thus the distinctions of Elizabeth the First's English. But with some oriental languages, which all but dispense with gender and number, you are my friend, you are my parent, and YOU are my priest, and YOU are my king, and YOU are my servant, and YOU are my servant whom I'm going to fire tomorrow if YOU don't watch it, and YOU are my king whose policies I totally disagree with and have sawdust in YOUR head instead of brains, YOUR highness, and YOU may be my friend, but I'm still gonna smack YOU up side the head if YOU ever say that to me again;
And who the hell are you anyw ~ Samuel R. Delany

My next-door neighbor's two dogs have created more shovel-ready jobs than this current administration. ~ Gary Johnson

I waved back and went in, and began to sort my way through ancient building plans that had been rolled up so long that straightening them out was like six bouts with an octopus. ~ Dick Francis

In hindsight, I have no idea why he was ever with me. He thought highly of my breasts. And ... that's it, I think. ~ Emma Forrest

There is, I have heard, a little thing called sunrise, in which the sun reverses the process we all viewed the night before. You might assume such a thing as mythical as those beasts that guard the corners of the earth, but I have it on the finest authority, and have, indeed, from time to time, regarded it with my own eyes. ~ Lauren Willig

The next microsecond, as the water erupted around me, I realized too late that I should've brought the entire Twenty-first Nome to help me. ~ Rick Riordan

Do you know there is always a barrier between me and any man or woman who does not like dogs? ~ Ellen Glasgow

You have a minute and a half left."
"Fine," she snapped. "Then I'll reduce this conversation to one single fact. Today I had six callers. Six! Can you recall the last time I had six callers?"
Anthony just stared at her blankly.
"I can't," Daphne continued, in fine form now. "Because it has never happened. Six men marched up our steps, knocked on our door, and gave Humboldt their cards. Six men brought me flowers, engaged me in conversation, and one even recited poetry."
Simon winced.
"And do you know why?" she demanded, her voice rising dangerously. "Do you?"
Anthony, in his somewhat belatedly arrived wisdom, held his tongue.
"It is all because he" - she jabbed her forefinger toward Simon - "was kind enough to feign interest in me last night at Lady Danbury's ball. ~ Julia Quinn

Anna's spiritual formation was relegated to cultural expressions of faith: the Christmas Baby Jesus and his gifts, the Easter risen Christ and his chocolate bunnies, and a copy of The Thorn Birds pulled from her mother's bookshelf. ~ Jill Alexander Essbaum