Hilarious Sarcasm Quotes

I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning. ~ N.R. Walker

Why not try thinking of your life as hilarious rather than nightmarish? ~ Julia Sweeney

All the photographers were trying to just get me off, which was hilarious. But it was very, very amusing. ~ Bella Heathcote

Without sarcasm I sink into chaos. ~ Antonin Artaud

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer. ~ Yogi Berra

You do realize the message of this play, right?" Tyler asked.
"Sure." My arm was still over my eyes. "It's about life on a farm and falling in love and watching the people you love die. So, you know, that's awesome."
He ignored the sarcasm. "It's about being alive. About noticing all the little things, because no one ever knows if it's the last time they'll see them. ~ Tamara Ireland Stone

If you're a kid who was not especially a star in your high school, I recommend going to a college in the middle of nowhere. I got all the attention I could ever have wanted. ~ Mindy Kaling

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

..each ministry has an allocation of money to spend on projects agreed to by the government.
Every Secretary of State is acutely aware that his tenure of office maybe very short, so he picks out a major contract for himself from the many available.
It's the one way to ensure a pension for life if the government is changed overnight or the minister simply loses his job. ~ Jeffrey Archer

I wouldn't feel right wearing clothes covering my body. ~ Christina Aguilera

And here I was thinking you were a bit slow, what with so much asking and not knowing anything. ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafon

So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient. ~ Nenia Campbell

He was impugning my virtue. I ought to have been offended, but for some reason the idea tickled me. That could be my next career: instrument of torture! Seducing prisoners, and then revealing my dragon scales! They would confess out of sheer horror. ~ Rachel Hartman

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Dave Barry

Where did you live before you came here?" I asked.
"The moon," he said smoothly. "We left because the place had no atmosphere. ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

(Matty) 'I'm going to a corn maze.'
(Elliot) 'Oh, bitch. You've lost your ever-loving mind. ~ Leta Blake

I've given her signs! I've given her plenty of signs. What does she want me to do? Slap him across the face with my glove, and challenge him to pistols at dawn? ~ Molly Ringle

Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?" he asked. "I have already learned not to speak to strangers." "Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond." "I am disinclined to know you. ~ Gregory Maguire

To the racist trolls complaining about my tweets. Sorry, I'm not justifying your monthly subscription of £0.00 ~ Fuad Alakbarov

Consider the great Samuel Clemens. Huckleberry Finn is one of the few books that all American children are mandated to read: Jonathan Arac, in his brilliant new study of the teaching of Huck, is quite right to term it 'hyper-canonical.' And Twain is a figure in American history as well as in American letters. The only objectors to his presence in the schoolroom are mediocre or fanatical racial nationalists or 'inclusivists,' like Julius Lester or the Chicago-based Dr John Wallace, who object to Twain's use - in or out of 'context' - of the expression 'nigger.' An empty and formal 'debate' on this has dragged on for decades and flares up every now and again to bore us. But what if Twain were taught as a whole? He served briefly as a Confederate soldier, and wrote a hilarious and melancholy account, The Private History of a Campaign That Failed. He went on to make a fortune by publishing the memoirs of Ulysses Grant. He composed a caustic and brilliant report on the treatment of the Congolese by King Leopold of the Belgians. With William Dean Howells he led the Anti-Imperialist League, to oppose McKinley's and Roosevelt's pious and sanguinary war in the Philippines. Some of the pamphlets he wrote for the league can be set alongside those of Swift and Defoe for their sheer polemical artistry. In 1900 he had a public exchange with Winston Churchill in New York City, in which he attacked American support for the British war in South Africa and British support for the American war ~ Christopher Hitchens

We all make mistakes. Luckily for us, there are very few mistakes that cant be solved with a suitable application of either lipstick or hand grenades - Frances Brown ~ Seanan McGuire

Come on," Alec said, already stomping down the ramp. "Let's find us a squirrel." He swept the weapon back and forth as he walked, looking for any interlopers. "Or better yet, one of the crazies who might've strayed over here. Too bad these things have to be charged or we could get rid of this virus problem in a jiffy. Sweep these old neighborhoods nice and clean."
Mark joined him on the ground below the Berg, wary that someone might be watching from the ruined homes surrounding them or from the burnt woods beyond those. "Your value of human life brings tears to my eyes," he muttered. ~ James Dashner

Brooke Berman's voice is utterly distinct, and her book, detailing her nomadic artist's journey toward both a successful playwriting career and a home of her own, through 20 years of cramped sublets, high-rise palaces, writer's colonies, and boyfriend's vans, is a hilarious, hopeful, and penetrating must-read. ~ Maria Dahvana Headley

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes? ~ Rose Wynters

My parents have always worried that I'd take Amy too personally - they always tell not to read too much into her, And yet I can't fail to notice that whenever I screw something up, Amy does it right: When I finally quit violin at age twelve, Amy was revealed as a prodigy in the next book. ("Sheesh, violin can be hard work, but handwork is the only way to get better!") When I blew off the junior championship at age sixteen to do a beach weekend with friends, Amy recommitted to the game. ("Sheesh, I know it's fun to spend time with friends, but I'd be letting myself and everyone else down if I didn't show up for the tournament.") This used to drive me mad, but after I wend off to Harvard (and Amy correct those my parents' alma mater), I decided it was all too ridiculous to think about. That my parents, two child psychologists, chose this particular public form of passive-aggressiveness toward their child was not just fucked up but also stupid and weird and kind of hilarious. ~ Gillian Flynn

Little Miss Sassy Panties is back and I laugh out loud at her. I know she doesn't like it but damn she's fucking comical when she's feisty, but I guarantee, her ass will be paddled and for that sarcasm when the time comes. ~ Ella Dominguez

What are you doing?" Alain asked.
"Starting a fire, of course." Mari held up the thing in her hand. "It's a fire-starter. A really simple device. Haven't you ever seen one?"
Alain shook his head. "Never. That thing seems very complicated. I do not understand how it can work."
"How do you start fires?"
That was a Guild secret. Or was it? The elders had told him that no Mechanic could understand how it worked. What would this Mechanic say if he told her? "I use my mind to channel power to create a place where it is hot, altering the nature of the illusion there," Alain explained, "and then use my mind to put that heat on what I want to burn."
"Oh," Mechanic Mari said. "Is that actually how you visualize the process?"
"That is how it is done," Alain said.
"That's ... interesting." She grinned. "So, instead of making fire by doing something complicated or hard to understand like striking a flint, you just alter the nature of reality. That is a lot simpler. ~ Jack Campbell

Don't threaten me with a good time. ~ Michael Anthony

A big man stood looking out the window at the night. He had a close-cropped haircut, obviously military, and wore a camouflage uniform. Pink scalp showed through his light colored hair and his thick neck glowed red.

There's a stroke waiting to happen. Tara couldn't stop the irreverent thought. ~ D. L. Robinson Red Death

Sometimes it's good to fake as it's important to be liked by others for a change ~ Sonal Bharija Singh

Natasha Lyonne is fantastic on Twitter. She posts hilarious pictures. I don't even know where she finds some of them; it'll be like a random picture of a chinchilla kissing a lion or Bill Murray and Jim Belushi out on a boat or something. ~ Uzo Aduba

Lebanese freedom of speech : You get to say whatever you like as long as the authorities approve of it ... Hilarious. ~ Ziad K. Abdelnour

I was a huge fan of 'Arrested Development,' and there's just something it tickles in me and it's bright and it's hilarious. ~ Keri Russell

Puggle isn't a word, Bridge."
Letting her down gently had no effect. She stomped a boot on the ground, making the contents of the mystery pink bag rattle in her hand. "It is," she insisted. "Ask someone."
I looked from left to right, wondering who she was expecting me to stop. As busy as the park was, I couldn't see a single person who looked knowledgeable in Australian wildlife. "What am I supposed to ask, Bridget?" I asked. "Excuse me ma'am, do you know what a puggle is?"
She raised her free hand, bouncing on the spot. "I know! I know!" she squealed. "It's a baby 'chidna."
I made a mental note to hold off on the sarcasm for a year or two. I decided to dazzle her with science instead. I took my phone from my pocket and Googled it – then had to eat my words because a baby echidna is indeed called a puggle.
"How can you possibly know the things you do?"
She grinned, reminding me too much of her mom. "I'm a smart girl, Ry. ~ G.J. Walker-Smith

Mind is infinitely creative. And when it's not stuck, that's where the joy comes from. Something happens, and the way we think about it, understand it, see it, is actually hilarious, whereas before it used to depress us. ~ Byron Katie

It's been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that's what he did. ~ Louis C.K.

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant