Funny Sleep Quotes

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Dave Barry

It's funny: I can never sleep between shows; I think it's because I don't like to switch the motor off. I'll probably have some chicken or pasta, though never the two together, and maybe go out for a quick wander around. ~ Richard McCabe

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. ~ Rita Rudner

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two. ~ Dylan Moran

Many things
such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly
are done worst when we try hardest to do them. ~ C.S. Lewis

Sleep, that deplorable curtailment of the joy of life. ~ Virginia Woolf

I really think I'd be better at, like, advanced napping techniques. ~ Tui T. Sutherland

Not being able to sleep is terrible. You have the misery of having partied all night ... Without the satisfaction. ~ Lynn Johnston

The nicest thing for me is sleep, then at least I can dream. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The cool kindliness of sheets, that soon smooth away trouble; and the rough male kiss of blankets. ~ Rupert Brooke

No man is greater than his respect for sleep. ~ Ogden Nash

There are twelve hours in the day, and above fifty in the night. ~ Marie De Rabutin-Chantal, Marquise De Sevigne

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman. ~ Garry Shandling

Sleep, rest of things, O pleasing Deity, Peace of the soul, which cares dost crucify, Weary bodies refresh and mollify. ~ Ovid

Cut if you will with sleep's dull knife, the years from off your life, my friend! the years that death takes off my life, he'll take from off the other end! ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

It's four A.M.! Who goes to bed this early!? ~ Jeff Hirsch

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know. ~ Charlie Sheen

Don't fight with the pillow, but lay down your head And kick every worriment out of the bed. ~ Edmund Vance Cooke

O bed! O bed! delicious bed! That heaven upon earth to the weary head. ~ Thomas Hood

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.' ~ Jim Gaffigan

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. ~ Steven Wright

There are two ways to tell the story. Funny or sad. Guys like it funny, with lots of gore and a grin on your face when you get to the end. Girls like it sad, with a thousand-yard stare out to the distance as you gaze upon the horrors of war they can't quite see. Either way, it's the same story. ~ Phil Klay

Sleep lingers all our lifetime about our eyes, as night hovers all day in the boughs of the fir tree. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm a serious sort of fella. But don't tell me your pal up in the sky exists, and mine does not. Then, my middle finger gets offended! For, my buddy up there nowhere, Mr. NOT, too insists without proof, that he is. Same as your god. Is Mr. NOT nuts? If he is, are you not? ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

We all have to die some day, if we live long enough. ~ David J. Farber

If the phone rings...then you and I, greedy newshounds that we are, will jump up -- even if it rings during the good part -- and chase that perverse thrill of another big headline, another shocking story. We'll shake our heads that it excites us so, but we will give up sleep, food and love for the story. ~ Sue Merrell

Isn't it weird that I'm getting all emotionable? ~ Jessica Simpson

I absolutely love what I do, and I want to dance for as long as I can and feel good about what I'm putting out there on the stage. But my goal has always been to be a principal dancer with ABT. Before I knew that there'd never been a black woman that was always my goal. I wanted to dance "Odette-Odile" and Kitri in "Don Quixote" and Aurora in "Sleeping Beauty." So that's still my goal. But knowing that it's never been done before I think makes me fight even harder. ~ Misty Copeland

Yes, making mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep ... For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that an' Chuck him out, the brute! But it's Saviour of his country, when the guns begins to shoot! ~ Rudyard Kipling

The idea that it is funny to see wild animals coerced into acting like clumsy humans, or thrilling to see powerful beasts reduced to cringing cowards by a whip-cracking trainer is primitive and medieval. It stems from the old idea that we are superior to other species and have the right to hold dominion over them. ~ Desmond Morris

Even when I'm tired, when I come home and think about catching up on my sleep, I'd rather stay up and hold my daughters. ~ Charlie Haas

They sleep despite noise, despite cold, despite hunger, as though desperate to stay removed from the waking world for as long as possible. ~ Anthony Doerr

Most aspects of my training didn't agree with me. There wasn't as much bossing around as I'd hoped for, and there was way too much following orders. ~ Rachel Vincent

If he was able to make her feel even the slightest bit of guilt for being so oblivious - if he could get through all that makeup and high fashion. ~ Matthew Quick

To fall in love with someone who couldn't be worse for me." He shook his head. "I mean, Jesus Christ.
You've got a lot of rules. And I've got just about none. But if I had to come up with one it would be: don't sleep with the pretty girl headed for Syria in six months. And if you do sleep with her, be damned sure you don't fall in love with her. But here we are. ~ Audrey Bell

You never got her last name, did you?" Kayden asks, covering his mouth with his hand to try and hide a laugh. The one that still breaks through and makes the urge to hit him even worse.
"It didn't seem important. You wanna clue me in?"
"Taylor. Cadence Taylor. Dumbass. ~ Melyssa Winchester

Jackson stood quietly as Alani came into the house. Unlike the other women, she didn't wear a swimsuit. Shame. He'd love to see her in one. Everyone had duly celebrated Trace's engagement, and Alani seemed taken with Priss - but then, who wouldn't be? Priss was funny, smart, cute and - luckily for Trace - stacked.
Unaware of Jackson, Alani stopped to look out the patio doors. She looked . . . wistful. Like maybe she wanted to take part, but couldn't.
In so many ways, despite being kidnapped by flesh peddlers, or maybe because of that, she was still an innocent. At just-barely twenty-three, she acted much older.
Like a virgin spinster.
Every night, in his dreams, they burned up the sheets.
Here, in reality, she avoided him. She avoided involvement.
But he'd get her over that. Somehow.
Suddenly Priss came in, wet hair sleek down her back, rivulets of water trailing between her breasts. She spotted Jackson right off and, after smiling at Alani, asked them both, "Why aren't you guys coming down to swim?"
Alani jerked around to stare at Jackson with big eyes.
His crooked smile told her that he had her in his sights. "I was just about to ask Alani that."
Priss laughed. "You're still dressed."
"I can undress fast enough." He looked at Alani. "What about you?"
Her lips parted. "No, I . . . didn't bring a suit."
"Pity. Maybe we could move up to the cove and skinny-dip in private?"
Pointing a finger at him, Priss sa ~ Lori Foster

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. ~ Publilius Syrus

Just like an angel, the lovely one and the cute
All the beauty together in your funny sulky looks
Innocent, like the kids, like the pigeons in my garden
Magnetic attraction, awesome, amazing and the super astute
Immortal charming, like the moon and the stars
Elegant, stylish, you must be very tasty, fruit ~ M.F. Moonzajer

I believe humanity would develop their way forward quicker if a human didn't have to waste so much time on sleep and fighting countless software and device bugs. ~ Sahara Sanders

When she opened her eyes, she was in shadow - shadow, but dry and warm, thanks to the massive wing shielding her from the elements and the heat of Abraxos's breath filling the space like a little furnace. He was still snoozing - a deep, heavy sleep. She had to brush ice crystals off his outstretched wing before he came awake. ~ Sarah J. Maas

Your house is your larger body. It grows in the sun and sleeps in the stillness of the night; and it is not dreamless. Does not your house dream, and dreaming, leave the city for grove or hilltop? ~ Khalil Gibran

Straight, huh? You know, funny thing is, often the straightest of trees have crooked roots. ~ Ella Frank

We all dream; we do not understand our dreams, yet we act as if nothing strange goes on in our sleep minds, strange at least by comparison with the logical, purposeful doings of our minds when we are awake. ~ Erich Fromm

Damn, Ian was already there. I braced myself as he came out from behind the RV. He sniffed, his nose wrinkling. Then he looked over me and my blonde captive, grinning.
"Managed to squeeze in a golden shower along the way? How lecherous, I'm impressed."
"Save it" I said crisply. ~ Jeaniene Frost

I'd sleep and forget it; I had my own life, my own sad and ragged life forever. ~ Jack Kerouac

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged sword
Kit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events) ~ Lemony Snicket

In REM sleep the body is paralyzed, except for shallow breathing and eye movements. ~ Oliver Sacks

Funny how a wink from a city guy can come across as cheesy or condescending, but a wink from a southern boy will send shivers up a girl's spine. ~ Jonna Ivin

When I play a villain, I usually get home and sleep straight through the night. It's physically and emotionally draining. ~ Ana Layevska

I believe now that there's real fear of what happens once The Narrative blows up - because once we've ripped the rich to shreds, what we're left with is a whole bunch of broke people wondering where the hell their money went, without even a soothing fairy tale to help them get to sleep at night.
People in the financial community who actually worked in that world, the traders and the bankers themselves who joked with me about "those motherfuckers," did not have these illusions. You're not going to be good at making money if you need there to be a halo around the moneymaking process. The only people who really clung to those illusions were the financial commentators, right up to the point where those illusions became completely unsustainable. ~ Matt Taibbi

Even in his sleep he couldn't escape. ~ Madeleine Roux

Mom said, He didn't want to sleep with you so he knocked you through a building? That's rude. He could have just moved on. ~ T.J. Klune

Don't laugh at the voice of the stars. They are far away, their rays are light and pale, and we can barely see their sleeping shadows, but their sorcery is stern and dark. ~ Leonid Andreyev

In this county, we had to walk, eat, sleep and love in fear. ~ Herta Muller

What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you. ~ Jackson Lanzing

Very early, I knew that the only object in life was to grow. ~ Margaret Fuller

Everything in English sounded funny. ~ Richard House

Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic. ~ Conan O'Brien

Sleep is not a luxury; it is a necessity. ~ Jennifer Waldburger

Daniel Elkins. The man credited with hunting vampires to extinction, killed by vampires. Ironic way to go, but he wouldn't have it any other way. He told me on more than one occasion that he knew he'd go down bloody, and he was right. ~ David Reed

Yes, life is full of awkward moments! For example, that time you keep dazing off while staring at the same person you found yourself staring at five minutes ago. *gulp* So glad staring is still not illegal. Or, at least I'm glad for my own benefit. ~ Mary Kate

Wait a second," Clary said.
"I never understand why people say that," Luke said, to no one in particular. "I wasn't going anywhere. ~ Cassandra Clare

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish." ~ Robert Schimmel

I'd been living on the streets of New York, and I was sleeping at my friends' houses, sometimes in the subway. ~ Liz Murray