Christmas Humor Quotes

Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer.
Glen had been born on the day after Christmas.
"My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that's all," he explained.
But we knew this was a lie. Glen's parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers. ~ Augusten Burroughs

If I hired one of the stock boys to chase me around the store with a licorice whip, I'd be thin by Christmas. ~ Jennette Fulda

It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane! ~ Ellery Adams

Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?!
Hobbes: Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to.
Calvin: Oh. ~ Bill Watterson

Dogs kind of default to making friends unless provoked. Cats seem to default to making enemies unless convinced otherwise. ~ Perry Elisabeth Kirkpatrick

The Little Drummer Boy was playing in the background for what seemed like the third time in a row. I fought off an urge to beat that Little Drummer Boy seneless with his own drumsticks. ~ Dana Reinhardt

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning

Without the door let sorrow lie,
And if for cold it hap to die,
We'll bury 't in a Christmas pie,
And evermore be merry. ~ George Wither

But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas. ~ P.C. Cast

Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said. ~ Miriam Toews

Christmas is such a time of struggle anyway, crammed with busy and hurry and the expectation that you will be joyful, no matter what. Then, if you're like me, when you just sit quietly, just be, and let yourself feel what you feel, the guilt creeps in. Because you're alive and the world is big, and you should be feeling some freakin' Christmas spirit. ~ Anna White

You mean you've been in this same set of rooms here for... two hundred years?' murmured Richard. 'You'd think someone would notice, or think it was odd.'

'Oh, that's one of the delights of the older Cambridge colleges,' said Reg, 'everyone is so discreet. If we all went around mentioning what was odd about each other we'd be here till Christmas. ~ Douglas Adams

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour. ~ Augusten Burroughs

Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.
"Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles. ~ J.K. Rowling

Many years ago I was so innocent I still considered it possible that we could become the humane and reasonable America so many members of my generation used to dream of. We dreamed of such an America during the Great Depression, when there were no jobs. And then we fought and often died for that dream during the Second World War, when there was no peace.
But I know now that there is not a chance in hell of America becoming humane and reasonable. Because power corrupts us, and absolute power corrupts us absolutely. Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on power. By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many lifeless bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

He sees me when I'm lying. He hears me when I flirt. ~ Candace Jane Kringle

What do you think of Christmas?"
"I like it," she said. "I think we should have it every year. ~ Liz Flaherty

Oh, that's right. Missy opens doors. ~ Perry Elisabeth Kirkpatrick

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas. ~ Winston Graham

Now on the first day of Christmas, my homeboy gave to me
A sack of the krazy glue and told me to smoke it up slowly.
Now on the second day of Christmas, my homeboy gave to me
A fifth of Hendog and told me to take my mind off that weed.
Now by the third day of Christmas, my big homeboy gave to me
A whole lot of everything, and it wasn't nuthin' but game to me. ~ Snoop Dogg

Stupidity is much the same all the world over. A stupid person's notions and feelings may confidently be inferred from those which prevail in the circle by which the person is surrounded. Not so with those whose opinions and feelings are an emanation from their own nature and faculties. ~ John Stuart Mill

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself. ~ Dave Barry

You do not mean there is danger of peace?, cried Jack. ~ Patrick O'Brian

Yeah, well lucky for you, once you stop gagging on your testicles you'll be fine. ~ Jewel E. Ann

It's Christmas! You just got your Hogwarts acceptance letter, a copy of Action Comics #1, and a brand new car that runs on water! ~ Leah Rae Miller

I was on the tube just before Christmas. and this girl turned round to me and said, 'Are you Kate Winslet?'. And I said, 'Well, yes. I am actually'. And she said, 'And you're getting the tube?' And I said, 'Yes'. And she said, 'Don't you have a big car that drives you around?' And I said, 'No'. And she was absolutely stunned that I wasn't being driven round in some flash car all the time. It was ludicrous. ~ Kate Winslet

Mrs. Friedman lived in a happy snow globe of AP History. ~ Harlan Coben

A heavy gas generated by the fermentation of equally dense ideas, stupidity is the most common renewable source of energy, the easiest to extract, and the least costly, except when coupled with nuclear energy. ~ Stephane Mot

You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it. ~ Cath Crowley

The love of truth lies at the root of much humor. ~ Robertson Davies

The melon of Castile is for self abuse. The melon of Valencia for eating. ~ Ernest Hemingway,

What year did Jesus think it was? ~ George Carlin

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?

~ Susan ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted. ~ Tommy Cooper

How can such scary looking parents create something so cute? ~ Chetan Bhagat

I said: All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I don't want the child to be born with ... ~ Dashiell Hammett

When do you bleed a patient?"
The question brought me up short. "When I want him to die?" I asked dubiously. ~ Patrick Rothfuss

Christmas and New Year had been and gone, leaving a cold aseptic void. Shop ~ Robert Bryndza

Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: "Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that." Some photographers are compulsively effusive. "Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous!" they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It's hard to take because it's more positive feedback than you've received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, "Yes! You are Carl Lewis! You're breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. You're going very fast, yes! ~ Tina Fey

What'a wrong, Villa? Man, you look like shit!" Ramirez said from the driver's seat. The laughter in his voice only added to her misery. Great, now they were going to turn her into the butt of their jokes.
Not bothering to reply, she lifted her hand and extended the middle finger. She was too tired to tell him to fuck off. A loud smack drew her attention.
"What the hell was that for?" Ramirez complained, rubbing a hand over the back of his head, a deep frown creasing his forhead.
"She does not look like shit."Trent growled, turned toward her, and winked. "She looks like Sleeping Beauty."
"Yeah, um, I don't remember Sleeping Beauty looking like she got run over by the prince in the story."
Slap. Her lips quirked, and a smile broke free. She knew what trent was doing, and she appreciated him for it. Fatique beat at her muscles. However , she was so horny that if Trent let her hump his leg, she'd find the energy from somewhere.
"What the hell, you know I'm the one driving. Cut it out. I'm sorry, Villa. You know I still think you're hot."
Slap. Erica swallowed the laughter threatening to choke her.
"Now what?" Ramirez protested. "I said she looks hot."
"I know, that's why I hit you." Trent sounded annoyed.
"Oh man, you're in deep shit, bro. Seriously, I know you like her and all, but are you blind? Poor Villa might be hot but she looks like she hasn't slept in a week." He grinned at her through the mirror. ~ Milly Taiden

May your balls rot like fruit in the sun, and your manhood wither at the root! ~ Elizabeth Vaughan

First of all, I'll tell you who I'm not. I'm not your enemy, so you can put the sharp pointy objects away,' he responded in a light conversational tone, obviously not deterred by my abrasiveness, which only pissed me off more to know he didn't find me to be a threat at all.
'Well, first of all, I'll be the judge of that,' I cut him off before he could continue. 'And second of all, I'm not interested in who you're not,' I added.
'So you're saying you're interested in who I am?' He gave me a moment to process what he said before a smile broke on his face.
My cheeks flamed. 'Hardly. Just interested in whether or not I'll be seeing you around again,' I was seething and beginning to shake with indignation.
'So you want to see me again? ~ Alicia Deters

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too. ~ Jon Stewart

Pimping was the ultimate power play. My most powerful tools of persuasion however, were charm and sex."~Jesse ~ Jeri Estes

Lady Ponsonby was right. The forbidden fruit isn't shaped like an apple. It's shaped like a banana. ~ Michelle Marcos

I am relieved. May I now have the truth? ~ Georgette Heyer

Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas. ~ Peg Bracken

Chirag: Rowley, do you think I exist?
Rowley: Nope! I can't even hear you or see you! ~ Jeff Kinney

Had CC de Poitiers known she was going to be murdered she might have bought her husband, Richard, a Christmas gift. ~ Louise Penny

Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville. ~ Rachel Caine

Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others' stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation ( because we are introverted ) people asume we must be either depressed or a cunt". ~ Amy Schumer

Spending so much time stuffing everything that lent itself to filling in any way or form, I am not surprised that the Jerusalemites never had time to raise their heads or look out of their windows to see what their neighbours were up to. ~ Suad Amiry

Our car would've burned up too, but Michael, who is only twelve, got in it and backed it away. I climbed in with him and noticed some of my school books in the car, so I took them out and threw them in the fire. I figured it would save me from doing a lot of homework, but unfortunately under the headline in the paper the next day that said HARPER'S MALT SHOP BURNS TO THE GROUND IN TRAGIC FIRE it also said that seen throwing her school books into the fire was little Daisy Fay Harper. Rat's foot! No wonder Hollywood stars hate reporters, and after all that some busybody do-gooder has already bought me a new set of books. ~ Fannie Flagg

Pearls are congealed oyster spit. ~ Margaret Atwood