Alcoholic Humor Prescription Quotes

I believe in 'Positives' not Negatives the only thing about Alcohol I'm Powerless over is those Damn Taxes ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

Life is better when you're drunk. I ought to become an alcoholic. ~ Ahmed Mostafa

After tonight I will not date put pen to paper again. A blank page to me is like a drink to an alcoholic. ~ Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey

Maybe Dracula wasn't a vampire, just a raging alcoholic who was constantly hungover. ~ Krystal Sutherland

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic. ~ Augusten Burroughs

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. ~ Chelsea Handler

It's just like an alcoholic to think he's doing the Zombie Apocalypse wrong. ~ Michele W. Miller

Suiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?'
'Oh, rather!'
'What do you do about it?'
'I generally take a couple of cocktails. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

I also have a brand-new prescription for gunfire jitters: When the shooting gets loud, proceed to the nearest wooden staircase. Run up and down a few times, making sure to stumble at least once. What with the scratches and the noise of running and falling, you won't even be able to hear the shooting, much less worry about it. Yours truly has put this magic formula to use, with great success! ~ Anne Frank

Conspiracy theories abound in American politics. I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs. ~ George W. Bush

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic. ~ Natasha Leggero

You're a chain-smoking, alcoholic hyper-violent sociopath with daddy issues!"
"When you say it like that it sounds bad ... ~ S.L.J. Shortt

Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind. ~ Agatha Christie

Piper nodded. She wished she had the healing powers of Asclepius. She wished she could look at people and see what was hurting them, then whip out her prescription pad and make everything better. ~ Rick Riordan

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife." ~ Frank Carson

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. ~ George Carlin

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?. ~ Phyllis Diller

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar. ~ Carolyn G. Heilbrun

Captain Dave is a salt-and-pepper guy who looks older than forty-six. He doesn't have kids of his own. Some people are born to be uncles and Captain Dave is that kind of people. He's also a recovering alcoholic who's obsessed with what everyone else is drinking at all times. Life is hard for some people. ~ Caroline Kepnes

There was something ghost-like and insubstantial about gases to these early chemists. They called liquids that turned into gases easily, "spirits." Methyl alcohol, they called "wood spirit"; ethyl alcohol, "wine spirit." Even today, alcoholic beverages are frequently referred to as "spirits." (Modern Arabs, from whose language the word "alcohol" was taken, call ethyl alcohol "spirit" from the English. This is a queer exchange.) ~ Isaac Asimov

I have salt and sugar at home, but I'm paying eighty bucks to have ya'll rub it on my feet. If I want to yell at my sister-in-law about that fact that I just found out I am pregnant, and how my boyfriend, the recovering alcoholic, is still fragile and I don't know if he'll make it, whether I'm going to miscarry like I did before, and a whole other list of shit, like, hell, I don't know, what I'm going to be when I grow up, then I will! And maybe, just maybe, for the eighty bucks you're charging me, I can yell a bit."

The woman only blinked as Lacey snickered beside her. "Keep it down and congratulations."

"Thanks, and I'll try," Kacey said as the woman walked away. She then turned to Lacey, who was fully laughing at this point. "Really> This is not funny."

"Oh, I'm cracking up because if you're already this emotional and bitchy, God help us all once you reach the third Trimester. ~ Toni Aleo

And so Harry became proficient in the task of cleaning up vomit. ~ Julia Quinn

They should let some people into the library by prescription only ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Just my luck. The first colleague I'd befriended at the agency and it was an alcoholic supercomputer. ~ Seth Fried

Help me out here, Jeremy," she said pleadingly.
He gave her a look. "Why should I do that?"
"Because once, nineteen years ago, you were wrong about him, too."
Jeremy stared at her stoically. After a long pause, his face broke into a smile.
"Aw, hell, you crazy kid, you knew I was gonna let you in - I'm a sucker for this stuff. ~ Julie James

As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker. ~ George W. Bush

I can see what you're up to."
"Five foot six inches," Shallan said. "I suspect that's all I will ever be up to, unfortunately. ~ Brandon Sanderson

IT'S MY BIRTHRIGHT! ~ Loki Laufeyson

And often Lisa thought bitterly of the ideas she had held on "college life" before coming to Denton, ideas and images culled from a hundred magazine stories and as many movies. Where were the convertibles, the secret bottles of liquor, the gay young men and their wild girl friends? ~ Grace Metalious

An elderly black man with gray hair said, "Every bottle should come with a warning: 'This bottle may cause you to lose your job. This bottle may cause you to get a divorce. This bottle may cause you to become homeless. ~ Akhil Sharma

We spoke to God about the children, and we were afraid to ask God for specific things. We thought that it might be too much. So we said to God 'Please give us a healthy child' and left it at that, not knowing that God is a generous God, but also has a sense of humor. And if you leave that much open for God, some wonderful jokes are going to come about. ~ Bill Cosby

Lydia: What the devil do you mean by creeping up on me? You're suppose to be in a brothel.
Vere: I lied. I can't believe you fell for the old going-to-a-brothel ruse. You didn't even look out the window to make sure I'd gone away. ~ Loretta Chase

You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory! ~ Georgette Heyer

Geeks are like male lions, they don't like the presence of another one in the vicinity. ~ Nipun Varma

Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?
Jace: I was following you.
Simon: Is this the part where you tell me you're secretly in love with me? ~ Cassandra Clare

Zorro pulled her into his arms and crushed her against his body, kissing her soundly on the mouth.
"My, what a big sword you have, sir," she said, sweeping her hand over his sheathed sword.
"I'm fully armed," he said, "with that and more. ~ Terry Spear

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh. ~ John Green

I'd love to, she finally said,"on one condition."
I steadied myself, hoping it wasn't something too awful.
"Yes?"
"You have to promise that you won't fall in love with me."
I knew she was kidding me by the way she laughed, and I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.
Sometimes, I had to admit, Jamie had a pretty good sense of humor.
I smiled and gave her my word. ~ Nicholas Sparks