Unintentional Humor Quotes

And often Lisa thought bitterly of the ideas she had held on "college life" before coming to Denton, ideas and images culled from a hundred magazine stories and as many movies. Where were the convertibles, the secret bottles of liquor, the gay young men and their wild girl friends? ~ Grace Metalious

Let me tell you something, I have never stated this, but you idiots refer to me as some moroon, I have a aster and a lwa degree. I simply cannot take the bar because of my stupid past in my 20's. You people do not want to go up against m on education because most of you will lose badly. ~ Larry Sinclair

I'm sorry, anal sex," Beavers continued, embarrassed by her slip of the tongue. ~ Dale Carpenter

Fuck!" he snarled.
He tilted her up again, her legs now resting on his shoulders, and positioned himself and began to push.
Into her back entrance.
Kimber drew in a great, shocked gasp, her hazel eyes wide. "Deke?"
"What the hell are you doing?" Luc barked.
Tensing a little more with every inch he pushed inside Kimber's tight passage, the tendons on his neck standing out, the muscles in his arms shaking, assailed by the amazing sensations of being slowly enveloped by her tight, ready flesh, Deke could barely form a word. "Fucking her ass. Saving her life. ~ Shayla Black

[Over breakfast] We discussed the 'novelisation' question. This is where the studio pay someone to novelise my script and sell it as Sense and Sensibility. I've said if this happens I will hang myself. Revolting notion. Beyond revolting.
Lindsay [Doran] said that the executive she had discussed it with had said 'as a human being I agree with you
but ... ' I laughed until my porridge was cool enough to swallow. ~ Emma Thompson

A friendliness, as of dwarfs shaking hands, was in the air... ~ E. M. Forster

NOTE-Always remove the brown hull from the peanuts even though the recipe does not say so. ~ George Washington Carver

Lieutenant Tindall told me I'd find you up here tilting at putrid windmills. Now I know what he meant. ~ Steve Hockensmith

Swing low, sweet chariot, comin'for t'carry me home ... ' was the tune I hummed as I made the beds, and waited for the news to come that our grandfather was on his way to heaven if his gold counted, and to hell if the Devil couldn't be bribed. ~ V.C. Andrews

I'm not Janessa. I want to celebrate my wedding, with friends and family, while having a really good time. If someone spills punch on my dress, I'm not going to cry about it."
Lucy raised an eyebrow.
"Okay, I may cry just a bit but it's only because it's an Austen-era reproduction and anybody would feel the pain of destroying something so lovely. ~ Mary Jane Hathaway

Knowledge empowers people. If people know the rules, and are sensitized by art, humor, and creativity, they are much more likely to accept change. ~ Antanas Mockus

In my first story, 'Mr. Mysterious & Company' ... I was asked to take out some of the humor because editors were afraid reviewers would dismiss the book as a joke. Today, humor is enjoyed and no longer regarded as literary brummagem. ~ Sid Fleischman

There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it. ~ Chuck Klosterman

Sile looked momentarily stymied, then shook his head sharply. "You wont go alone."
"I can't ask anyone--"
"You aren't asking," Sile said firmly. "I'm insisting--"
"Grandfather, nay," Runach said, stunned. "I couldn't allow it."
"Allow it?" Sile repeated, looking as if the gale were readying for another good blow. "Who do you think you are, whelp, to tell me what to do?"
"I believe, your Majesty," Aisling said quietly, "he's someone who loves you..."
Runach didn't dare smile, because his grandfather would have made the effort to get up out of his chair so he could deliver a brisk blow to the back of a grandson's head, of that he was certain.
"Besides, I'm going to go along to keep him safe."
Sile closed his eyes briefly before he leaned forward and looked at Aisling seriously. "You, my gel?"
"Me, Your Majesty."
Runach watched his grandfather look at his wife in consternation.
"Are you listening to this?" he asked in disbelief. "She isn't even spawn of mine, and yet she exhibits this unsettling 'independence'."
"I find it quite admirable, husband."
Runach pushed away from the wall and walked over to squat down by Aisling's chair. He looked up at her.
"I want you to stay here."
She looked at him for a moment or two, then reached out and touched his scarred cheek. "This is my quest, and I must see it through to the end, wherever that end might lie."
"I'll think about it," he said, and by that he mea ~ Lynn Kurland

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. ~ Jimmy Carr

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. ~ Chelsea Handler

Thank you." After rounding the couch, the young queen sat her hip on the cushy armrest. Her thoughts went back to the impromptu party in the commissary the night before. "I assume no Mishmorats or Viiduns are missing. Do you know if any real mischief took place last night after we left?"

"None you need to worry about," Ian told her. She could see he was hiding something by the twinkle in his eye.

"What happened?" she asked, certain he had a story to tell.

"Let's just say there may be an influx of soldiers visiting your garden."

Her eyes scrunched, unable to guess what he was talking about. "Okay, and why?"

Ian's shoulders jostled with a snicker. "Efren showed off your garden to Kira last night. She discovered the warm pond. You know how your sisters have a fondness for swimming in their underclothes."

"Oh great," Eena groaned.

"But don't worry about it too much, Queenie, there is a deterrent." Ian let go a laugh he couldn't quite stifle.

"What deterrent?" she asked, grinning at his amusement.

"Shanks likes to swim too."

"Oh?"

"Actually, he prefers skinny dipping."

"Ew! Ew, Ian, like I need that image in my head!"

(Now you know how I feel on a regular basis,) he said, cracking up.

After a moment of grossing out, Eena all but begged Ian, "Please, can we change the subject. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage and humor and often at the same time. ~ Suzanne Fields

The soy is seeping through the material like a BP oil slick in a Louisiana swamp. ~ Poppet

Fuck you," said Czernobog. "Fuck you and fuck your mother and fuck the fucking horse you fucking rode in on. You will not even die in battle. No warrior will taste your blood. No one alive will take your life. You will die a soft, poor death. You will die with a kiss on your lips and a lie in your heart. ~ Neil Gaiman

I've been waiting my whole life to fuck up like this. ~ Robert Stone

Luckily, I was not born a white man.*

*This has never before been said in the history of humanity. ~ Mindy Kaling

Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with which he was quite familiar. ~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

So if you go to a King Tut exhibit someday and notice cracks or burn marks on the artifacts, or maybe a statue with its head glued on backward-well, sorry. that was probably our fault ~ Serpent's Shadow Rick Riordan

You did a politics project on a government that got overthrown on the due date? Man, did anybody ever tell you you've got no luck?"
"I suspected it," said Raymond ironically. ~ Gordon Korman

Parenthood is a walk in the park...
A park full of scorpions that you can't leave without jumping through fiery hoop on a pogo stick. ~ Brenda Lochinger

He would be atleast sixteen-old enough to have a driver's licence- and he would have crinkles around his eyes that showed he had a sense of humor and he would be tall, the kind of boy all the other girls would like to date ~ Beverly Cleary

Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Life is a piece of sh*t, just roll with it ~ Cricket

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.
~ Jonathan Swift

There is a relationship between humor and fear. Think of all the gags you ever heard that have to do with dismemberment, or something that's horrible in one way or another, even if it's just horrible in the sense that somebody's being embarrassed. What do kids laugh at? Kids laugh if your fly's down. That's hilarious. But for the kid whose fly is down, it's a horrible situation. ~ Stephen King

I am not going to say you are right because I could not take it if you smirked."
"I do not smirk," Vikirnoff claimed.
"Yes, you do. And I detest that after all these centuries, you are making sense. Frankly, its scary."
"It is only that you are not making sense sunce you acquired a lifemate. I hope that does not happen to all men. It would be a shame."
"Your sense of humor is not improving," Nicolae pointed out dryly.
"I do not have a sense of humor." Vikirnoff answered.
"I had not noticed," Nicolae teased. ~ Christine Feehan

Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don't have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman. ~ Kylie Scott

Anthony looked down at his evil clutches
hands, he reminded himself, hands
and grinned anew. ~ Julia Quinn

Having charged your heart and brain with a cup of coffee, you're ready to face the challenges of life. ~ Sahara Sanders

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box ... and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box ... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects! ~ Chris Rock

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are? ~ John Green

Leila. Schoolgirls are like sports cars. They're nice to look at, but they're impractical. In the end, they don't do what you need them to do."
I had to stifle my smile, he looked so serious. Then I stole a glance back at the lithe-limbed shadows beneath the tress. "Is that so?"
"It's true. They won't let you take them up the arse. They're rubbish at sucking you. You want to ride them at a hundred miles a hour, but you end up doing forty in the sixty zone because you're too fucking scared of damaging them. ~ Lucy V. Morgan

When an American family becomes separated from its toothbrushes and combs and pajamas for a few hours it considers that it has had quite an adventure. ~ E.B. White

Stanley forced a smile to his lips at the memory of the onesided romance; it was silly, after all, a stupid childhood crush. Who'd fall in love with a fictional character? That was the kind of thing you laughed about as an adult. Or at least Harriet had thought so. He couldn't quite do it, though. Couldn't quite see it as a joke. It had felt too real, too raw and wild and fierce, for him to
dismiss it even now. It was love, of a sort, stunted and unformed as it was. For a time, it had kept him sane. ~ Amelia Mangan

Oh, yeah. He's dead, a voice inside her head confirmed.
"No way!" Brianna backed away from him, looking around the room in panic.
Yeah, you're right. That lack of pulse probably means something else. ~ Natasha Larry

Hi honey, I'm home! Take your pants off! Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink. ~ J.M. Colail

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. ~ Gerald R. Ford