Nursing Humor Quotes

My voice mail message says I work nights and sleep days. Everyone who knows me, knows this. And still, people who aren't employed at the Nursing Office feel compelled to call me before three P.M. Certain people feel compelled to call me repeatedly, until I pick up - namely, dicks. ~ Cassie Alexander

I planned to reintroduce him to my friends lorazepam and oxycodone in a big, big way. ~ Cassie Alexander

Merda! Her lace panties had snagged on his ring, the signet ring he'd inherited from his father, Giacomo Casanova. His father had seduced hundred of women without any problems whatsoever, and he was having trouble with just one. This was the real reason he never used the Casanova name. He could never live up to his father's reputation. The old man was probably laughing in his grave.

Nine circles of hell," Jack muttered.

Hell?" Lara asked. "I thought I was the Holy Land."

You're paradise. Unfortunately, I am stuck there."

Her eyes widened. "Stuck?"

Normally, I would love being stuck to your lovely bum, but it would look odd if we go sightseeing with my hand under your skirt. Especially in the basilica."

She glanced down. "How can you be stuck?"

My ring. It's caught in the lace. See?" He moved his hand down her hip, dragging her undies down a few inches.

Okay, stop." She bit her lip, frowning, then suddenly giggled. "I can't believe this has happened."

I assure you, as much as I had hoped to get your clothes off, this was not part of my original plan."

She snorted. "No problem. Just rip yourself loose."

Are you sure?" It will destroy you undies."

She narrowed her eyes with a seductuve look. "Rip it."

Very well." He jerked his hand away, but the panties came with him. He yanked his hand back and forth, but the lacy, latex material simply ~ Kerrelyn Sparks

If you can't find an answer at the mall or the library, what does that say about the world? ~ Joan Bauer

She shrugged. "I'm surprised your mother didn't inform you of my presence. Or Belle. She has spoken about you a great deal."
His eyes narrowed as his heart sank. "You've become friendly with Belle?" He saw all his hopes for a flirtation with this girl going up in smoke. ~ Julia Quinn

Dressed in their red suits and fake beards, they rang their bells like they were going for dog-spit gold at the Pavlov Olympics. ~ Christopher Moore

Her lips were tightly glued together, her chin protruding, her whole layout that of a girl who intended to stand no rannygazoo. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people. ~ Erica Sehyun Song

Keep your southern fried bullshit to yourself. And know this, Charlie is the sweetest girl I've ever met and if you hurt her, or infect her with some kind of disease, you will die. Slowly. ~ Eve Dangerfield

You will need to verify your identity with a sacrifice."
"Didn't you ever hear of retina scans? Maybe fingerprints? Something less invasive? ~ J.T. Bock

Father sighed. "Please spare me these arguments of yours."
"Whose arguments should I use? ~ Franny Billingsley

Want wisdom? Laugh at yourself. ~ Maggie Bishop

He spits out an epithet so nasty I think it's only legal in England. And then only when your favourite football club loses. ~ Tera Lynn Childs

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully. ~ George W. Bush

If I'm going down, I'm going down with lipstick on. ~ Beth Yarnall

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. ~ Bob Monkhouse

There should be a device which can detect when the person is getting angry and should not let that person speak till he/she calms down. This will solve so many problems. ~ Nauman Khan

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places. ~ Garrison Keillor

Or maybe he would turn to religion. Many Americans did so when faced with heartache and hardship. ~ Amy Tan

Id is fery boedigal!" he said, his blue eyes twinkling. "Cabdain Blood is fond of boedry - you remember de abble-blossoms. So? Ha, ha! ~ Rafael Sabatini

This world was no place for anyone with access to another. ~ Joe Haldeman

Oh please, like you don't know. You're bigger than a breadbox! ~ Alice Clayton

Dear Producers,
Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without a scope who cares am I? This is why I must but must be one of the inhabitants of MTV's "Real World." Only there, burning brightly into a million dazzled eyes, will my as yet uncontoured self assume the beauteous forms that are not just its own, but an entire market niche's, due.

I am a Kirk Cameron-Kurt Cobain figure, roguishly quirky, dandified but down to earth, kooky but comprehensible; denizen of the growing penumbra between alternative and mainstream culture; angsty prophet of the already bygone apocalypse, yet upbeat, stylish and sexy!

Oscar Wilde wrote, "Good artists exist in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating... [they] live the poetry [they] cannot write." As with Dorian Gray, life is my art! Oh MTV, take me, make me, wake me from my formless slumbers and place me in the dreamy Real World of target marketing. ~ Dave Eggers

Because he's three thousand times the human being you'll ever be,' said Alec. 'Now get out of here before I risk his life by waking him up so he can turn you into a garbage fire. Something that would match your personality.'
'Oh!', said Zara. 'So rude! ~ Cassandra Clare

I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans. ~ George W. Bush

Therefore, you might end up, like be dead, with still having that notion of 'not giving up' in your mind. ~ Jay Mark D. Saga-ad

The movie was kickass, which was appropriate, because tonight it was called Kickass: The Movie. ~ Daniel Handler

Honey will wipe the floor with you." His eyes went half-mast, and his voice dropped in evident pleasure. "I know. ~ Patricia Briggs

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. ~ Ann Landers

I'm not 17 anymore. I still have some of the same sort of anger, but I have a sense of humor about it ... a sense of being constructive with that anger. ~ Dave Pirner

It's weird that apples bruise like humans. I'm glad they don't scream when you bite into them. ~ Phil Lester

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language." ~ Morey Amsterdam

And it started out fun. We were chattering enthusiastically, flipping between CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News. But as the evening wore on, and the numbers rolled in, it got quieter, and I found myself becoming intensely depressed. Why was I putting myself through this? The issues I've devoted my life to have become so marginalized by the coverage that they have no possible relevance to me. I can't even blame the media - people simply don't care about alternate-party politics. And why should they? I'm so far in the minority that my activism is a joke, a punchline that stopped being funny years ago. It goes beyond rooting for the underdog. It's not rooting for the Giants: it's more like, say, rooting for the Twins. But during the Super Bowl. ~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!"
― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack ~ Mark Buff

The more passionate and argumentative I get the more followers and friends I make online. ~ Tasha Turner

People get a kick out of my stupidity. ~ Dolly Parton

As soon as the boy left the hall, Ramsey suggested that Brodick fill Gideon in on all that had transpired.
"Our commanders are going to have to coordinate their efforts for the attack," he said. "Iain wants Winslow and Dylan and you to handpick the soldiers who'll ride with us into England."
"We're attacking England?" Gideon asked, astonished.
"No," Brodick answered. "Though the thought of it warms my heart. ~ Julie Garwood

Turns out that sometimes, faith and a sense of humor really can be all you need. ~ Amy Lane

You coming in here?" I asked.
"Afraid I'll gnaw on your stepmother? ~ Devon Monk

Debt is always negative, no matter how positively you try to look at it. The "minus" sign in front of your bank balance is a dead giveaway, despite what you might think about leveraging or whatever. It's even worse when it's a credit card or a student loan, and you can't even remember what you've bought or learned with it. Sure, the minimum repayments will eventually cancel it out, but by that time you will most likely have dentures and be peeing anywhere you damn well please. ~ Ana Spoke

Mujo is a refugee in Germany, has no job, but has a lot of time, so he goes to a Turkish bath. The bath is full of German businessmen with towels around their waists, huffing and puffing, but every once in a while a cell phone rings and they pull their phone out from under the towel and say, Bitte? Mujo seems to be the only one without a cell phone, so he goes to the bathroom and stuffs toilet paper up his butt. He walks back out, a long trail of toilet paper behind him. So a German says, you have some paper, Herr, sticking out behind you. Oh, Mujo says, it looks like I have received a fax. ~ Aleksandar Hemon

I rummaged through the drawers in search of a strong poison. I thought of nothing as I looked; I had to get it over with as quickly as possible. It was as if it were an everyday task I needed to do.
All I could find were things of no use to me: buttons, string, thread of various colors, notebooks - all strongly redolent of naphthalene and none capable of causing a man's death. Buttons, thread, and string - that is what the world contained at this most tragic of moments. ~ Max Blecher

Because there's an infinite number of things we can now see or know, there are also an infinite number of ways we can discover that we don't measure up, that we're not good enough, that things aren't as great as they should be. ~ Mark Manson

What?" he said. "You let me draw all over your arm in permanent ink, but I hand you a vegetable and you chicken out? ~ Rose Christo

Any concentrated mass is actually a local distortion of space itself, there happens to be exactly one surface, registered with the U.S. Patent Office, which, incorporated into a suitable hat design, will take the impact load of any known safe falling from any current altitude, transmitting to the wearer only the most trivial of resultant vectors. ~ Thomas Pynchon

He also wasn't sure where to go to avoid running into some type of surfer gang. He'd seen Point Break and while he suspected it was nothing but Hollywood bullshit, he didn't exactly want to find out the hard way he was wrong. ~ Marie Sexton

His face was a gaze of primal obtuseness. ~ James T. Farrell

Remember, our kind protects you Normals from the Pures. We are the rope tied between man and super-beast. A rope forever dangling from the precipice.
I tap Zetania's shoulder and ask, "What's a precipice?"
"A cliff's edge," she whispers.
Precipice. Must be a French word. ~ Daven Anderson