Scifi Humor Quotes

This world was no place for anyone with access to another. ~ Joe Haldeman

They left Puonvangi at the 303rd in the company of a riotous party of Binlisi conventioneers. The Birilisi were an avian species and much given to excessive narcoticism; they and Puonvangi were guaranteed to get on. There was much fluttering. ~ Iain M. Banks

Three more awards received in 2017
Gold for Seb Cage Begins His Adventures
Gold for The Time Slipsters
Silver for The Deaduction Agency ~ Terry Tumbler

Could the entire notion of finding one's soul mate be a simple case of looking for ourselves in another body? Is the "soul mate" really just the best approximation of ourselves that we can find? ~ Dermot Davis

He trotted down the hallway on all fours and started in on his second favorite pastime, conversations with plumbing. Just what I needed: Stone, the Toilet Whisperer. ~ Devon Monk

Dagny and Fransisco d'Anconia?" she said, smiling ruefully, in answer to the curiosity of her friends. "Oh no, it's not a romance. It's an international industrial cartel of some kind. ~ Ayn Rand

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~ Steven Wright

I'm sure you've had many musicians in your soft spot. ~ Caisey Quinn

Humor is ... despair refusing to take itself seriously. ~ Arland Ussher

The bristling eyebrows shot up in mock surprise. Mesmerized, the boy watched them disappear under the hanging thatch of white hair. There, almost coyly, they remained just out of sight for a moment, before suddenly descending with a terrible finality and weight. ~ Jonathan Stroud

Have you ever listened to folk music? Let's face it, a lot of folk music is all about dead sailors, mad witches, rape and fratricide. ~ Marie Browne

I pulled out my phone as I hurried along and texted Abby, U OK? I had to stop while I texted because I am not a teenager. ~ Chris Fabry

Ghetto humor is the social twin of fantasy; together they sustain the powerless, who accomplish miracles through illusion. ~ Sheila Ballantyne

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell. ~ Eoin Colfer

Taylor," Nathan said, "Why didn't you take the rest of us?"
"I didn't want to put you in danger," she said.
"Gee, thanks," I said.
"Hey, I brought Jayden, remember? He insisted on bringing you."
"Gee, thanks," Jayden crossed his arms and frowned. ~ Embee

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl. ~ Bill Cosby

Vampires, like virgins or priests, are things that women believe in. We must never fail to humor them in such matters. ~ Brian McNaughton

You're sugar momma will be bringing home the sugar! ~ Toni Aleo

Shut the front door!" Jenna exclaimed.
Andrew disappeared into the foyer, and when he returned, his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. "The door is shut? ~ Laura Kreitzer

Why do people say available,actually they are not pertaining to...this is Bullshit!! ~ Nikhil Deshpande

Nothing says failed lesbianism quite like an accidental pregnancy. ~ Carlie Martece

I am a woman, hear me roar," I said.
Gosh, what prompted that?" Amelia asked, and I jumped ~ Charlaine Harris

I suppose we ought to be getting home, in any case."

"Oh god, is it wartime already?"

"Look on the bright side: it'll be dinner when we get back. ~ Chris Cleave

One of the great things about humor is, you can slip things past people with humor, you can use it as a sweetener. So you can actually tell them things, give them messages, get terribly, terribly serious and terribly, terribly dark, and because there are jokes in there, they'll go along with you, and they'll travel a lot further along with you than they would otherwise. ~ Neil Gaiman

I'm not sure I've turned your Commander inside out, but I can assure you if that iron skillet was empty, I would bring him down a peg or two. ~ Julia Mills

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Can we go to work now? Because we're about a minute away from breaking out the
ice cream and talking about our feelings, and I don't think we can come back from that. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Probably look like fucking Captain Hook. ~ Helen Harper

How can you possibly do everything you want to do in life if you start doing a bunch of things twice? ~ Lorii Myers

I hate those TV shows where characters talk about one thing, such as their patient on the operation table (let's say they're a doctor), then you realize they're actually talking about actually talking about themselves. The patient's open-heart surgery is nothing compared to their own messed-up heart or whatever. It's selfish. And means they're not concentrating, which is medical negligence. ~ Jaclyn Moriarty

I lunged, low and quick, and drove about a foot of cold steel into his danglies. Hey, I don't care what kind of fearie or mortal or hideous creature you are. If you've got danglies, and can loose them, that's the kind of sight that makes you reconsider the possible genitalia-related ramifications of your actions real damned quick. ~ Jim Butcher

If there is such a thing as platonic love between a man and a woman it is the result of a profound misunderstanding, a stifling of their true and authentic impulses. ~ George Clooney

Lies. The great human weapon. Pathetic.
I'd say "pathetic" would be falling for them. Especially Kitty's. ~ Joss Whedon

Aww, you know my verbal stingers are only poisoned with love ~ Laurie Faria Stolarz

You do not know me, but I am a juvenile delinquent. I do not trust authority figures, I probably will not graduate from high school, and statistics say my present rowdiness and vandalism will likely lead to more serious crimes. I am a dangerous fellow, and I am causing mayhem in this store. [ ... ] There. I have now shamelessly destroyed the symmetry of this shelf, undoing hours of labor by underpaid store employees. If you could see me, you would be frightened. ~ Katherine Applegate

You're a terrorist, notta rebel," Morganith added darkly, "and we're done philosophizing. Give us the lockbox and we'll kill you."
Natasha looked at Morganith uncertainly. "Don't you mean 'or' you'll kill us?"
"No, I mean 'and. ~ Ash Gray

Alternatively, anyone who favors Intelligent Design in lieu of evolution might pause to wonder why God devoted so much of His intelligence to designing malarial parasites. ~ David Quammen

And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.
This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. ~ Oscar Wilde

I've never said this to a girl before."
I bit my lip, waiting.
"Well ... " He looked down. "I'm not sure how to say this." He took a deep breath and announced, "I really like fighting evil with you. ~ Joan Bauer

Because ... most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don't have any of that. There's nothing between you and despair, and you don't seem a very desperate person.'
'Too stupid.'
'You're not stupid. So why don't you ever put your head in the oven?'
'I don't know. There's always a new Nirvana album to look forward to, or something happening in NYPD Blue to make you want to watch the next episode.'
'Exactly.'
'That's the point? NYPD Blue? Jesus.' It was worse than he thought.
'No, no. The point is you keep going. You want to. So all the things that make you want to are the point. I don't know if you even realize it, but on the quiet you don't think life's too bad. You love things. Telly. Music. Food. ~ Nick Hornby

She was eager to stoop to his level. ~ Anne Taintor

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could. ~ Charles J. Sykes

These shoes are Mr Silly's shoes, Scott. ~ Bryan Lee O'Malley

Can I help you? said the footman. Richard had been told to fuck off and die with more warmth and good humor. ~ Neil Gaiman

It was comforting for only a moment. Then Joshua realized that the dude still had a seriously huge knife in his hand.
The part of him that was crying like a kicked puppy took off running. Unfortunately it took the rest of him with it.
"No! Nononono!" He cried even as he bolted. This was what scared him about being a werewolf. He wasn't in control of his body anymore. Because of his last name and small size, he'd always been a target of bullies. He'd learned early that they could hurt him but they couldn't control him if he didn't let them. And then he learned martial arts and they couldn't even hurt him anymore. In the last twenty-four hours, it had been as if he was strapped into a rollercoaster: all he could do was go for the ride and scream a lot. ~ Wen Spencer

You've got some power," Jakkin said. "One hug - and the lights go out! ~ Jane Yolen

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. ~ Doug Stanhope

Her biggest fault - perplexing to this day - is that Mother loves to pick trash. "Its an adventure", she says. "You never know what surprises you'll find ~ Camron Wright

Never take a wife till thou hast a house(and a fire) to put her in. ~ Benjamin Franklin

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate ... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead. ~ Mark Twain