Tags Humor Quotes

Hell hath no fury like a queen scorned. ...
... That would be the last time he made a crack about being a flamer to someone with a flamethrower for hands. Though he'd really lost it when Raven sang the lyric to Disco Inferno. ~ J.T. Bock

You're all here. Mixed in a bit with some of my cells. May have to redefine our relationship after this. ~ J.T. Bock

You will need to verify your identity with a sacrifice."
"Didn't you ever hear of retina scans? Maybe fingerprints? Something less invasive? ~ J.T. Bock

Every time they have somebody born in the movies, it is a little boy. They never have little girls being born. What makes boys so great and woooonnnderfullll? I can do anything a boy can do ~ Fannie Flagg

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It's kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn't listening. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. ~ Mark Twain

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. ~ W.C. Fields

Please," Shallan said to the sphere. "I need you to become fire."
Pattern buzzed, speaking with a new voice, interpreting the sphere's words. "I am a stick," he said. He sounded satisfied.
"You could be fire," Shallan said.
"I am a stick."
The stick was not particularly eloquent. She supposed that she shouldn't be surprised.
"Why don't you become fire instead?"
"I am a stick."
"How do I make it change?" Shallan asked of Pattern.
"Mm . . . I do not know. You must persuade it. Offer it truths, I think?" He sounded agitated. "This place is dangerous for you. For us. Please. Speed."
She looked back at the stick.
"You want to burn."
"I am a stick."
"Think how much fun it would be?"
"I am a stick."
"Stormlight," Shallan said. "You could have it! All that I'm holding."
A pause. Finally, "I am a stick."
"Sticks need Stormlight. For . . . things . . ." Shallan blinked away tears of fatigue.
"I am - "
" - a stick," Shallan said. ~ Brandon Sanderson

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama - Their father can order an assassination, don't piss him off. ~ David C. Holley

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all. ~ Dave Barry

Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job! ~ Steve Harvey

Oh. My. God. I kissed a prince, I flipping kissed a prince! I flipping tongued him! ~ Luella Christie

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo's gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she'd told him her version yet. She had balls of steel, he thought with a smile. And what did he have? Three pairs of loin cloths going crisp on the radiator. ~ Dianna Hardy

Man, didn't anybody ever tell you that art is propaganda? It doesn't matter whether you think it should be or it shouldn't be, it just is, and motherfucker, like or not, you're sitting on a funky Magna Carta. ~ Paul Beatty

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

I'm a mother," said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, "and I know what I know. ~ Neil Gaiman

But Phoebe loved her mother best as she was now, wistful, out-of-step, her laugh tinged always with sadness, as if things were only funny in spite of themselves. ~ Jennifer Egan

And in bed, deep inside the building, are all the headaches that won't go away. The failed kidneys, the rashes, the ragged-edged moles, the lumps on the breast, the coughs that have turned nasty. In the Marie Curie Ward on the fourth floor are the kids with cancer. Their bodies secretly and slowly being consumed.
And then there's the mortuary, where the dead lie in refrigerated drawers with name tags on their feet. ~ Jenny Downham

There was something about Mikie that made me want to trust him. It might have been the Centanario Anejo. ~ Nadja Baer

We regarded each other sitting around the breakfast table with its big cardboard boxes of "Fear," "Chix," and "Rats. ~ Donald Barthelme

Or if I truly gave up I could be like Wet Lindsay. When Robbie dumped her she got all pale and even wetter than normal. She was like an anoraksick. (A person who is both very thin and wears tragic anoraks.) I just made that up as a joke. Even though I am very upset I can still think of a joke. ~ Louise Rennison

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one. ~ Mark Twain

I was just, uh...looking at your bush. ~ Cassie Mae

I have an idea for a new book. It's a novel about a beautiful yet sensitive author whose spirit is crushed by her domineering editor. Do you like it? ~ Annie Barrows

I have a hundred-year-old aunt who aspires to sainthood, and whose only wish has been to go into the convent, but no congregation, not even the Little Sisters of Charity, could tolerate her for more than a few weeks, so the family has had to look after her. Believe me, there is nothing so insufferable as a saint, I wouldn't sic one on my worst enemy. ~ Isabel Allende

My handling of the situation with Jake proved that I was the same girl from eight years ago. I'd just gained a stone and lost my love for Shayne Ward. ~ Lynsey James

Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears shampoo. ~ DJRotaryRachel

Ser Arys was pleasant company abed, but wit and he were strangers. (Arianne Martell) ~ George R R Martin

Smack me if we ever get that awful."
"But I smack you so often," she said, "how will you know that's what I'm smacking you for?"
"We shall work out a smacking code. ~ Gina Damico

'Aeric!' Grayson exclaimed, with genuine delight. 'You're not dead yet?'

'Not yet,' Aeric replied, looking pleased with his continued viability. 'But I keep trying. And so do you, I hear!' ~ L.S. Baird

Stick with me," CyFi had said, putting his fist in the air, "and as God is my witness, you will never go hungry again." Then he added, "That's from Gone with the Wind. ~ Neal Shusterman

Lone women shouldn't stop in the middle of nowhere for giant unkempt strangers with duct tape on their faces. ~ Lee Child

What's that you mutter to yourself, Matthew Maule?" asked Scicpio. "And what for do you look so black at me?"
"No matter, darky," said the carpenter. "Do you think nobody is to look black but yourself? ~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

I'm still bitter," I say. "Nobody ever gave me anything for my first." Byatt laughs, her hands moving quick to open the soup can, and she gives me the lid. "There. My gift to you. ~ Rory Power

Are we all agreed? Excellent. Then Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes. ~ Elizabeth Peters

Menuret repeats an observation of Forestier's that clearly shows how an excessive loss of a humor, by drying out the vessels and fibers, may provoke a state of mania; this was the case of a young man who 'having married his wife in the summertime, became maniacal as a result of the excessive intercourse he had with her. ~ Michel Foucault

There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip. ~ Stephen Fry