Funny Dog Quotes

A pekingeese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion. ~ A.A. Milne

The Heimlich maneuver works on house pets. My pit bull was choking on his dinner. I squeezed his stomach and the neighbor's cat shot right out. ~ Scott Wood

Journalists are like dogs, when ever anything moves they begin to bark. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man. ~ Robertson Davies

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!" ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame. ~ Cynthia Heimel

It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail; that's why he tries to bite the mailman. ~ Albert Einstein

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter ... " ~ Jerry Seinfeld

My sister wanted a cat for a pet ... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark. ~ Chic Murray

Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them. ~ Steve Coogan

Dogs have their day but cats have 365. ~ Lilian Jackson Braun

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news. ~ Charles A. Dana

I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs. ~ Barbara Woodhouse

The dog is dressed just like me at the climax of my act. ~ Gypsy Rose Lee

Where are the dogs going? you people who pay so little attention ask. They are going about their business. And they are very punctilious, without wallets, notes, and without briefcases. ~ Charles Baudelaire

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie. ~ Jim Gaffigan

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish." ~ Robert Schimmel

I'm gonna hump ya. Like Deputy Dog ... Would hump ya. ~ Steve Coogan

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language." ~ Morey Amsterdam

That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food. ~ Charles M. Schulz

They had a ... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available. ~ Clive James

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it. ~ Chic Murray

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. ~ Jeff Valdez

A man bitten by a dog, whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself. ~ George D. Prentice

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind ~ Seth Czerepak

Pray steal me not, I'm Mrs. Dingley's, Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies. ~ Jonathan Swift

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. ~ Jay London

He that lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas. ~ Benjamin Franklin

If you have a dog, and you're a person whose moods are constantly changing, there's a moment when you look at the dog, and you feel bad for them because they're attached to you, and so it's funny for the dog to vocalize those things in some ways. ~ Eileen Myles

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. ~ Will Rogers

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed. ~ Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." ~ Tommy Cooper

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty. ~ Robert Benchley

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men ... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight. ~ David Cross

She never sat down in a car but stood, braced tense, facing the wind. Now and again she would turn her face toward me with an apologetic expression as though to say: "I have not forgotten that you are here but there are certain pleasures I cannot share with you." Her nose never ceased its sensitive quivering. ~ Mazo De La Roche

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb. ~ Jasper Carrott

Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs. ~ George Chapman

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? ~ Chelsea Handler

The only food he has ever stolen has been down on a coffee table. He claims that he genuinely believed it to be a table meant for dogs. ~ Jean Little

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. ~ David Letterman

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. ~ Phyllis Diller

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird." ~ Eddie Izzard

The more I see of man, the more I like dogs. ~ Madame De Stael

Yes, he's got all them different kinds of thoroughbred blood in him, and he's got other kinds you ain't mentioned and that you ain't slick enough to see. ~ Don Marquis

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat! ~ David Letterman

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog. ~ Jay Leno

Stevie Wonder always smells so good ... I'm like a DEA dog, I can smell people a block away! ~ Gloria Estefan

Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity. ~ Margaret Halsey

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman. ~ Craig Kilborn

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. ~ Robert Benchley

When Frank the Pug is singing I Will Survive, the only reason it's funny is that Will is in that shot trying not to get angry. A shot of a dog singing I Will Survive on its own will not get a laugh. ~ Barry Sonnenfeld

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks. ~ Phyllis Diller

No dog is as well bred or as well mannered or as distinguished and handsome. ~ Eugene O'Neill

I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze. ~ Anthony Ward Clark

Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he'd eaten worse. ~ Charlie Higson

The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp nose of a dog were in my opinion all God-given for one purpose only-to make complete fools of us human beings. ~ Barbara Woodhouse

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding? ... Noooo ... as funny as that is, I'm not ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? ~ Lisa Kudrow

It's like this, dear boy, the one in front is blind and the kind one behind is pushing him. ~ Noel Coward

Dog owners are out in all kinds of weather. They tell you it's small payment for the love their dogs bear them. Some love. If that dog weren't on a leash, he'd be off after another dog, a cat, or any stranger walking along the street with a wet bag of meat. ~ Selma Diamond

Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat was getting. ~ Terry Pratchett

A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder. ~ A.R. Gurney

Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog, he began to bite them. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Noblest of all dogs is the hot-dog; it feeds the hand that bites it. ~ Laurence J. Peter

It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it? ~ Eleanor Porter

No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead. ~ W.C. Fields

She laughed. That didn't mean what he'd said was funny. It just mean they were still in that early phase of a romance, the part where you laughed, funny or not. ~ Marshall Thornton

I'm busy, you're busy, everybody's busy. I've got a lot I want to say to you, though." "All right," Pia told her. "Hit me with it." "First, I'm so sorry about what my uncle Urien did to you guys. I hate him, he killed my family, and we're going to cut off his head, and then I have to be Queen, but before that happens let's do lunch, okay? ~ Thea Harrison

Over the course of his wartime service, Lawrence was awarded a number of medals and ribbons, but with his profound disdain for such things, he either threw them away or never bothered to collect them. He made an exception in the case of the Croix de Guerre; after the war, according to his brother, he found amusement in placing the medal around the neck of a friend's dog and parading it through the streets of Oxford. ~ Scott Anderson

Rule number one for kids: They must ask to play with the dog. Ultimately, your ~ Dawn Sylvia-Stasiewicz

A friend of mine from college is married to Neil Levy, who started on 'Saturday Night Live' in the early days and is a really great guy and funny writer. ~ Richard LaGravenese

Have not a hand in the blade with abandon,
Cull from the fold all the brazen and bold,
For a dog who just might,
Love the bark and the bite,
Is a carrion raven the craven of old. ~ Neal Shusterman

Our family's special holiday tradition is going over to my grandparent's house on Christmas morning. My grandma cooks a big breakfast, and I love hearing her tell old funny stories. ~ Caroline Sunshine

A dog is a vehicle, you know; a dog is a window to Mother Nature, and that's the closest species we have. ~ Cesar Millan

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS. ~ Sarah Silverman

Things can be funny when people are uneasy. It softens them up and stops them falling asleep on the sofa. I like those moments where people half-smile and half-wince. ~ Mark Haddon

... she refused to allow anyone - even Miguel - to refer to Majnoun as 'her' dog.
- I'm as much his as he's mine, she'd insist.
Her friends - and her husband - thought this an annoying eccentricity. Majnoun knew what she meant - that she was not his master - and he was grateful. But in his heart he felt as if he did belong to her, in the sense that he was a part of Nira and she a part of him. ~ Andre Alexis

Monks congregate like dogs in a kennel,
From contact with their superiors they acquire knowledge,
Is one the course of the wind, is one the water of the sea?
Is one the spark of the fire, of unrestrainable tumult?
Monks congregate like wolves,
From contact with their superiors they acquire knowledge.
They know not when the deep night and dawn divide.
Nor what is the course of the wind, or who agitates it,
In what place it dies away, on what land it roars. ~ Taliesin

I want to venture a hypothesis that, roughly expressed, goes like this: you cannot learn to love yourself until you find something in the world to love; no matter what it is. A dog, a garden, a tree,a flight of birds, a friend ... Because what we love in ourselves is ourselves loving. ~ John Burnside

I never intended to make a living from music. That's the funny thing. I wanted to be a journalist. ~ Pete Seeger

Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject. ~ Shelby Metcalf

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive. ~ Frankie Boyle

I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer. ~ Will Rogers

One minute I was at home reading in bed and the next thing I knew I was waking up on board a helicopter with some crazy Russian woman.'

'Oh don't worry, we're familiar with the crazy Russian woman,' Otto laughed. 'One piece of advice though: I wouldn't call her that to her face.'

'Not if you're a fan of the whole not eating through a straw thing anyway,' Shelby said, grinning.

'I do not believe that Raven would ever assault a student without good reason,' Wing said with a frown.

'I know. I was just, you know, exaggerating, because . . . funny . . . never mind,' Shelby said with a sigh. Otto tried very hard not to laugh. ~ Mark Walden

Writing's funny, it's like walking down a hall in the dark looking for the light switch, and suddenly you find it, flip it on, and then you discover the hallway you passed through is papered with the novel you've written. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room. ~ Peter Sellers

Definitely, I think I fulfill a very funny Indian stereotype because I love technology. It's something I've always been interested in. ~ Manish Dayal

That's what love is made of, snakes, snails, and puppy dog tails, sugar, spice, and everything nice. ~ Smokey Robinson

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.

For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.

When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. "I really can't believe it," Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. "It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someon ~ Joseph Heller

Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid. ~ Ray Bradbury

It is good to have friends both in Heaven and Hell. ~ George Herbert

Clouds sink down the hills Coffee is hot again. The dog Turns and turns about, stops and sleeps. ~ Gary Snyder

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers and boys used to dress like their fathers.
Now girls drink like their fathers and boys dress like their mothers. ~ Habeeb Akande

I think," he said, "that you may be the kind of dog who bites because she is chained up."
He expected her to laugh, or to flash out at him, or to do both. She did not look up, but with a melancholy kind of trouble in her eyes.
"A lovely analogy: I thank you," she said. "But what if I am the kind of dog who bites because it pleases her?"
"I don't believe it," said Smith. ~ Francis Spufford

I've been vegan for about 10 and a half years. It's been all good. I'm obviously much healthier ~ Woody Harrelson

So OK, it's your special big Four-O birthday But don't expect me to be obsequious and fawning You, being you, can't possibly be a good example So do try, at least, to serve as a warning ~ John Walter Bratton

When I introduced you to Mary Ann, I wanted to call you my girlfriend, Elli," he looked up at her to see her eyes were wide, "I've never had a girlfriend, so I'm not sure if I'll do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing right, but the thought of you being with someone else, or me with someone else, actually hurts my gut, so I guess what I'm trying to say is," he took a deep breath, this was huge, and he thought he sounded stupid but with the way her eyes were glazing over, maybe he was doing this right. "I was wondering if you wanted to be my girlfriend." She smiled at him lovingly, cupping his face in her hands.
"Are you sure? I'm kinda crazy." He laughed, kissing her palm.
"I'm sure."
"Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend. ~ Toni Aleo

I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring. ~ Howard Stern