Humor God Inspiratinal Quotes

god must love stupid people he makes so many ~ -Unknown

Most preachers say the nature of God is unknowable, but I'm certain of one thing at least. God almighty has a sense of humor. ~ Robert Ferrigno

When God made man she was practicing. ~ Rita Mae Brown

Rumi and Shams bring to our lives the simple truth that we are not alone, that God really does care. And God's joyous love for each of us is rivaled only by Her divine sense of humor. ~ Jamila Hammad

Read it with sorrow and you will feel hate.
Read it with anger and you will feel vengeful.
Read it with paranoia and you will feel confusion.
Read it with empathy and you will feel compassion.
Read it with love and you will feel flattery.
Read it with hope and you will feel positive.
Read it with humor and you will feel joy.
Read it with God and you will feel the truth.
Read it without bias and you will feel peace.
Don't read it at all and you will not feel a thing. ~ Shannon L. Alder

If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus. ~ Chuck Klosterman

Dreams like a podcast,
Downloading truth in my ears.
They tell me cool stuff."
"Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.
He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred."
"A god named Fred? ~ Rick Riordan

My non-negotiable list remains short. I want a man who loves God, others and me. That's it. If he loves God, he will be kind and respectful and thoughtful. If he loves others, he will be a servant, generous and loyal. If he loves me, he will have a sense of humor (he'll have no choice if he's going to deal with me - after 20 blind dates), be responsible and romantic. ~ Megan Carson

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. ~ George Carlin

Only after the words were spoken did she realize what she had said. "My sins are all your fault, Brodick, and if I have to go to purgatory, then by God, you're going with me. Ramsey, if you do not stop laughing,I swear I shall toss you over this cliff."
"Do you love him, lass?" Father asked.
"I do not," she answered emphatically.
"It isn't a requirement," Laggan pointed out.
"I should hope not," she cried.
"But it would make your life easier," he countered.
"Gillian, you will tell the truth," Brodick demanded.
He grabbed hold of her hand. She tried to pull back, but he wouldn't let go.
"I have told the truth. I don't love Ramsey, and if he doesn't stop laughing at me, the Sinclairs will soon be looking for a new laird."
"Not Ramsey," Laggan shouted so he could be heard over Ramsey's laughter. "I'm asking you if you love Brodick."
"Did you tell Father I love you? Who else did you tell? ~ Julie Garwood

I'm starting to think insane people are God's favorite kind of people. ~ Hallie Lord

God is always willing to give you the best life possible. If you change your mind at any time you are free to go back to enjoying hell. ~ Shannon L. Alder

She gave him a cool glance over her shoulder. "May your balls wither away and you develope an allergy to Viagra and all its counterparts."
He looked at her, stunned. And then he suddenly exploded into laughter.
"God, you're a formidable woman"
"No, I'm not. I'm soft, remember?"
She slammed the door behind her. ~ Iris Johansen

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better. ~ George Mikes

Be quiet, or I swear to God I'll take you right here ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

(on learning Westlife had beaten Oasis, U2 and The Beatles in an album chart battle in November 2006): There is no God. ~ Noel Gallagher

Running wouldn't make her free. It would only further entangle her. True freedom could only be gained by trusting God and standing fast in his strength. Like David facing Goliath. Or Esther Standing uninvited before the king. ~ Karen Witemeyer

Oh God. It isn't Wednesday, is it, Hardy?" he pleaded, ascending the steps toward the footman, who smiled at sight of him, bowing as he opened the door.

"Yes, my lord. Has been all day, I'm afraid ~ Diana Gabaldon

Listen, you're not doing God any favors by praying. You're doing yourself a favor. ~ Art Hochberg

Thank God for Jesus. Because, you know, he was here like us, so he knows how hard it is to be a person. He must have a sense of humor about us. ~ Sara Miles

Moses: God or crowd control?!? ~ Mary Ann Shaffer

I bet you've seen the fundamentalist bumper sticker that says, "God said it! I believe it! That settles it!" It must be a typo because what the driver really means is, "I said it! God believes it! That settles it! ~ Robert M. Price

Eros mumbled something.
"I'm sorry?" said Aphrodite.
"Whatwouldjesusdo."
"What would Jesus do?" said Aphrodite. "Let me tell you something. Jesus was a very good boy. He would do exactly what his mother told him to."
"But-"
"Jesus was supposed to be a god, right?" said Aphrodite. "Ergo, he did revenge. All gods do revenge."
"Not exactly. He said you should turn the other-"
"What else does your Jesus say?" Aphrodite interrupted.
"I thought you didn't care."
"Let me see," said Aphrodite. "I remember. 'Honour thy father and mother'."
"One, that wasn't Jesus. And two, it's hard to honour your father when there are so many candidates for who he might be."
"That's not very nice," said Aphrodite. "You know who your father is. It's your cousin Ares."
[ ... ]
"I wish the Virgin Mary was my mother," grumbled Eros eventually. ~ Marie Phillips

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn't keep my hands or lips off of him. "God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted."
He laughed. "That's something the vampire should be saying to you, not the other way around. ~ Tish Thawer

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be. ~ Mark Twain

Is there a cookie at the end of this lecture? ... I got a cookie after all ... Dear god, the cookie was poisoned. ~ Ilona Andrews

When God created fools he put the biggest of them into uniform and gave them helmets to prevent any thoughts entering their heads. ~ M. R. C. Kasasian

My 'people skills' are 'rusty.' Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. ~ Castiel

He had the sort of face that makes you realize God does have a sense of humor. ~ Bill Bryson

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ~ Woody Allen

Steady there," he whispered, his lips brushing past my ear as he eased up behind me. His hands settled on my hips, fingers toying with the hem of my shirt. "Focus, Duffy. Are you focusing?"
He was trying to distract me. And shit, it was working.
I jerked away from him, trying to thrust the back of my pool stick into his gut. But of course he dodged, and I succeeded only in knocking the cue ball in the opposite direction of what I'd intended, sending it right into one of the corner pockets.
"Scratch," Wesley announced.
"Damn it!" I whirled around to face him. "That shouldn't count!"
"But it does." He took the white ball out of the hole and placed it carefully at the end of the table. "All's fair in love and pool."
"War," I corrected.
"Same thing." He eased the stick back, staring straight ahead, before shooting it forward again. Half a second later, the eight ball sailed into a pocket. The winning shot.
"Asshole," I hissed.
"Don't be a sore loser," he said, leaning his stick against the wall. "What did you really expect? I'm obviously amazing at everything." He grinned. "But, hey, you can't hold it against me, right? We can't help the way God makes us. ~ Kody Keplinger

Oh god, what now? Are you in jail? Being held by the IRA? Stuck on a reef in the Caribbean?"
"Wow," Kelly said. "That's uncalled for."
Zane laughed. "I thought being engaged to Ty gave me some extra snark privileges. ~ Abigail Roux

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked. ~ Stephen Colbert

As for learning to wear high heels, no need to worry. I've got no tolerance for those dreadful things. If God wanted us girls tottering around like a bunch of drunken sailors, we'd have been born wearing stilts! ~ Jenny Lundquist

If you're making love to a man of God, then God must endorse your lovemaking. ~ Eileen Pollack

There is no reason to regard God as immune from
consideration along the spectrum of probabilities. And there is
certainly no reason to suppose that, just because God can be neither
proved nor disproved, his probability of existence is 50 per cent. ~ Richard Dawkins