Add Humor Quotes

Well I've fucked the olives. Not literally I might hasten to add! ~ David Nicholls

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. ~ Steven Wright

Superficial knowledge leads to a bland, monotonous telling. With authorial knowledge we can prepare a feast of pleasures. Or at the very least, add humor. ~ Robert McKee

God is always willing to give you the best life possible. If you change your mind at any time you are free to go back to enjoying hell. ~ Shannon L. Alder

Be as a tower firmly set; Shakes not its top for any blast that blows. ~ Dante Alighieri

Humor does not rescue us from unhappiness, but enables us to move back from it a little. ~ Mason Cooley

My dad instilled in me a great sense of humor. I wasn't bullied at school because my outward attitude was confident, and that helps. ~ Warwick Davis

I thought the line 'I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska' was very funny. I think the word is 'sarcasm.' In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. ~ Andrea Fay Friedman

Can there really be a form of verse where all that counts is the number of syllables in a line? No patterning of stress at all? What is the point?
Well, that is a fair and intelligent question and I congratulate myself for asking it. ~ Stephen Fry

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others ~ Yana Toboso

They may well have had a backup system, but if it crashed at the same time as their main system, then that's all she wrote,' Riker said. 'Excuse mee, sir' said Data. 'That's all who wrote?' 'It's merely an expression, Mr. Data,' said Picard. 'It means that was the end of it. There was nothing they could do.' 'That's all she wrote' repeated Data. He nodded. 'Yes, I see. She, in this case, doubtless referring to the human conceptualization of Fate, writing a final chapter, as it were, and putting a period to the-' 'Please, Mr. Data,' Picard said impatiently. ~ Simon Hawke

I'm more than a few neurons shy of a synapse right now, and it feels absolutely fan-fucking-tastic. ~ Nenia Campbell

NEVER INTERFERE WITH MELENGAR AGAIN
BY ORDER OF THE KING
... AND US ~ Michael J. Sullivan

You cannot add to truth without taking away from it. ~ Matshona Dhliwayo

How much do you know about the Ten Commandments?"

"Well, I know there's ten of them." ----- Daniel and Lucas ~ K.L. Burrell

I think communication is so firsbern. ~ Steve Martin

Look at you. Bloody look at you. You're stunning. And this is how you dress when you're all alone in the middle of the night? And in potato sacks when you're out in broad daylight? He smiles his haywire smile. ~ Jandy Nelson

Sir Tucker," I say suddenly, interrupting Angela.
"Yeah?"
"I believe the correct response is, 'yes, Your Majesty, ~ Cynthia Hand

Using for a noble purpose is still using. ~ Kendare Blake

I think shows that are completely dramatic are a lie. People use humor to cope. That is how we deal with things. In the darkest situations, there's humor. And if you don't show that, you're not being true to real life. ~ Jenji Kohan

It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor. ~ Joan Jett

My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked - just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor. ~ Shia Labeouf

Jazz hadn't given her many details of exactly what life in the Dent house had been like, but he'd told her enough that she knew it wasn't hearts and flowers. Well, except for the occasional heart cut from a chest. And the kind of flowers you send to funerals. ~ Barry Lyga

Frankly, I wonder who Frank was, and why he has an adverb all to himself. ~ Jodi Picoult

Briston shakes his head in answer, and slowly walks over to the sword. He cautiously stretches out his hand, which I can see is shaking.
"What are you doing." I ask, frightened.
"I'm going to see what happens if I touch it." Briston continues to stretch his hand out slowly.
"Briston don't. What if it, I don't know, sucks you inside?"
Briston stops to give me a dubious look.
"What? It could happen. Don't you remember Poltergeist? The little girl got sucked into the television. ~ Brandy Nacole

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising. ~ Meg Cabot

I guess it could be worse. My name could be Tlaquepaque, or Irkutsk, or Pyongyang. Or, you know, Pittsburgh. Sometimes I flip through the atlas just to remind myself of all the names that would be worse than mine. ~ Tamara Summers

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree ... unless that tree's growing on top of a hill. ~ John DePrey

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. ~ Mark Twain

Though,' observed Sloan profoundly, 'where there's a will there's usually a relative. ~ Catherine Aird

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes. ~ George Carlin

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. ~ Rita Rudner

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated. ~ Darynda Jones

Durbin's sunglasses were gone, and his gray eyes sparkled up at her. He winked. "Take care of yourself, Dr. Venkman."
Lena bit back a grin. "You too, Dana Barrett. ~ Laura Oliva

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style ~ Maya Angelou

I'm not saying you're weak, but you brawl like a couple of girls having a pillow fight. ~ Andrew Sturm

Good -humor is goodness and wisdom combined. ~ Robert Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Earl Of Lytton

My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers. ~ Ronald Reagan

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions ~ Criss Jami

It's not that I can't express myself,
it's that I still feel present when I'm not expressing myself. ~ Kim Myungsoo

WHAT DOES AN OLD MAN GAIN BY EXERCISING

what will he gain by talking on the phone
what will he gain by going after fame, tell me
what does he gain by looking in the mirror

Nothing
each time he just sinks deeper in the mud

It's already three or four in the morning
why doesn't he try to go to sleep
but no--he won't stop doing exercise
won't stop with his famous long-distance calls
won't stop with Bach
with Beethoven
with Tchaikovsky
won't stop with the long looks in the mirror
won't stop with the ridiculous obsession about continuing to breathe

pitiful--it would be better if he turned out the light

Ridiculous old man his mother says to him
you and your father are exactly alike
he didn't want to die either
may God grant you the strength to drive a car
may God grant you the strength to talk on the phone
may God grant you the strength to breathe
may God grant you the strength to bury your mother

You fell asleep, you ridiculous old man!
but the poor wretch does not intend to sleep
Let's not confuse crying with sleeping ~ Nicanor Parra

His latest theory about his dealings with women isn't that he's lost his reason or that women are illogical (Deb, for instance, displays exemplary thought processes;) it's just that a certain vital part of the interface between them is strongly encrypted and requires some workaround. ~ Adam Felber

Men, she decided, were a strange, thick-skulled, ball-kicking species no one on earth could have a sensible conversation with. ~ Irma Joubert

June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them. ~ Rick Riordan