Dieting Humour Quotes

I can tell you that if there's nothing wrong with you except fat it is easy to get thin. You eat and drink the same as always, only half. If you are handed a plate of food, leave half; if you have to help yourself, take half. After a while, if you are a perfectionist, you can consume half of that again … On the question of will-power, if that is a factor, you should think of will-power as something that never exists in the present tense, only in the future and the past. At one moment you have decided to do or refrain from an action and the next moment you have already done or refrained; it is the only way to deal with will-power. ~ Muriel Spark

Who," coughed Zvonok, "do you think broke your favorite teacup last fall? The one with the cherries on the handle?"
"I was careless, Comrade Zvonok. I left the window open and a storm blew through."
"Incorrect! I broke it because you left me no cream and no dry biscuits, and when your old boots wore through, you burned them up for heat instead of giving them to me!"
"Hear, hear!" the table erupted in approval once more. "Well done, well done!"
"I'm surely very sorry
"
"So is your teacup. ~ Catherynne M Valente

It's easier to get philosophers to agree than clocks. ~ Seneca.

This has serveral consequences, starting with screwing over most cryptography algorithms
translation: all your bank account are belong to us
~ Charles Stross

Do you ever think you might be a different species of human, knitted out of raw DNA in a laboratory like in The Island of Doctor Moreau, and then turned loose to see if you can pass yourself off as normal or not? ~ David Mitchell

The journalists have obviously failed to capture my innate magnetism, humour and charisma, and they all need to be fired from their newspapers right away. ~ Alexei Sayle

Sometimes I feel better around you. I kind of like your face' -Nick ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

What do you think of Lord St. Vincent?" Pandora asked eagerly.
West's gaze moved to a man who appeared to be a younger version of his sire, with bronze-gold hair that gleamed like new-minted coins. Princely handsome. A cross between Adonis and the Royal Coronation Coach.
With deliberate casualness, West said, "He's not as tall as I expected."
Pandora looked affronted. "He's every bit as tall as you!"
"I'll eat my hat if he's an inch over four foot seven." West clicked his tongue in a few disapproving tsk-tsks. "And still in short trousers."
Half annoyed, half amused, Pandora gave him a little shove. "That's his younger brother Ivo, who is eleven. The one next to him is my fiancé."
"Aah. Well, I can see why you'd want to marry that one. ~ Lisa Kleypas

Ulysses was an elaborate prank, and our supposed intellectual elite continue to fall for it. ~ Orson Scott Card

I really am a unicorn?' I asked again.

'You think Janis and I escaped from an asylum, don't you?' she teased.

'I hope you're not,' I said, horrified at the thought of being turned into a lunatic like them. ~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

Child, if such folks awe you, then picture them on the lavatory, straining, constipated. They will at once seem small, pathetic, manageable." And she whispered to me a great, universal truth: "THE BOWELS ARE GREAT LEVELLERS. ~ Angela Carter

Worked out regularly for months. Lost no weight.
Food poisoning for 3 days. Lost 4 kgs.

No place for hard work in this universe. ~ Nitya Prakash

Yes, but I don't understand all these rules you have in place. Who you can help, who you can't, when, how…it's endless. They're all so complicated."
"But they have their reasons. I and the other gods of war built these rules for gods and the creatures we gods create for one simple reason."
"So that when the rules are broken, there's war?"
The goddess stilled for a moment and then giggled. Giggled like a child. "Yes." She bent over at the waist, her arms around her middle, the laughter becoming louder. "That is why! And it works every bloody time! ~ G.A. Aiken

The British have turned their sense of humour into a national virtue. It is odd, because through much of history, humour has been considered cheap, and laughter something for the lower orders. But British aristocrats didn't care a damn about what people thought of them, so they made humour acceptable. ~ Theodore Zeldin

Y-naga: "That's the thing ... It's like trying to find a guy who's a kid at heart but still a responsible adult, so he can be counted on when I find myself in a pinch, somebody who's a little wild at times but normally lets me have my way even when I'm being selfish and just says, "well, if you insist," a guy who's not too full of himself but understands what clothes suit his body type best ... "
S-hara: "What I'm saying is the pretty ones are stupid! The ones who have it all together are all so, so stubborn that they never do things my way! ~ Fumi Yoshinaga

There's no point asking dogs about their dreams because sleeping dogs lie. ~ Michael McGirr

...methinks the older that one grows,
Inclines us more to laugh the scold, though laughter
Leaves us so doubly serious shortly after. ~ George Gordon Byron

If only my sunscreen was as good as my writers block! ~ Martin Link

Oh, don't be absurd, man.' The Prime Minister sat back in his chair. 'Come on. We can't just ban a thing because we can't control it.'
The minister responsible for health and safety looked startled. 'I don't see why not. It's never stopped us before. ~ Terry Pratchett

Churchill was in the lavatory in the House of Commons and his secretary knocked on the door and said: Excuse me Prime Minister, but the Lord Privy Seal wishes to speak to you. After a pause Churchill replied: Tell His Lordship: I'm sealed on The Privy and can only deal with one shit at a time ~ Winston S. Churchill

You little prick. It's a whelk ... it's a ... it's a ... dead whelk! ~ St John Morris

Old age is somewhat like dieting. Every day there is less of us to be observed. ~ Doris Grumbach

Caleb jerked me into the room and quickly shut the door as he flipped on the lights. "Well, that was just great," he said sarcastically.
"I'm sure she's seen your cute behind before," I told him as I went to my suitcase. "I'm sure she changed plenty of your diapers." He grimaces. "I don't want to think about it." I just laughed at him more ~ Shelly Crane

Dawson!" Ash yelled from below. "What are you doing? Stop! Do something, Adam!"

Adam's laugh followed. "Someone needed to put Andrew in his place. I always figured it would be Daemon. Who knew. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

At some point I was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men and Who Likes to Wear Lip Gloss and High Heels for Herself and Not For Men. ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

You were small, but far-famed. We were in Oldtown at your birth, and all the city talked of was the monster that had been born to the King's Hand, and what such an omen might foretell for the realm."
"Famine, plague, and war, no doubt." Tyrion gave a sour smile. "It's always famine, plague, and war. Oh, and winter, and the long night that never ends."
"All that," said Prince Oberyn, "and your father's fall as well. Lord Tywin had made himself greater than King Aerys, I heard one begging brother preach, but only a god is meant to stand above a king. You were his curse, a punishment sent by the gods to teach him that he was no better than any other man."
"I try, but he refuses to learn." Tyrion gave a sigh. "But do go on, I pray you. I love a good tale."
"And well you might, since you were said to have one, a stiff curly tail like a swine's. ~ George R R Martin

New becomes stale and old becomes fresh. The impractical, ageing estate long ago left behind to Singapore's pioneers and their homemade tofu stalls takes on a certain irreverence and originality; an anarchic streak even. It goes against the architectural grain. It stands out in a crowd, a rebel with curves. The reclusive behaviour only adds to the appeal. So the old place becomes "hip". ~ Neil Humphreys

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ Emo Philips

A husband and wife should resolve never to wrangle with each other; never to bandy words or indulge in the least ill-humour. Never! I say; NEVER. Wrangling, even in jest, and putting on an air of ill-humour merely to tease, becomes earnest by practice. ~ Timothy Shay Arthur

But Elizabeth was not formed for ill-humour; and though every prospect of her own was destroyed for the evening, it could not dwell long on her spirits; and having told all her griefs to Charlotte Lucas, whom she had not seen for a week, she was soon able to make a voluntary transition to the oddities of her cousin, and to point him out to her particular notice. The first two dances, however, brought a return of distress; they were dances of mortification. Mr. Collins, awkward ~ Jane Austen

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. ~ Sarah Mayberry

When he'd watched her in the past, he hadn't understood why she would wear such conservative tops, then such provocative skirts. Yes, they went past her knees, but they also stretched so enticingly over her ass.
He'd finally figured it out. Holly didn't realize how those expensive materials molded over her generous curves.
Cade knew females liked to ask, "Does my ass look big in this?" But considering Holly as an example, he'd begun to suspect that women really couldn't determine what their asses looked like.
Oh, well. A question for the ages. ~ Kresley Cole

Who are you after?"
"The snarky asshole one."
"Could you be a little more specific."
"The one who has a staff and throws their toys out of the pram that one."
"Ooh."
"Yeah. ~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Comedic actors can be looked at as a lower form because we have to put ourselves in a lower place than most of the audience. I think lofty emotions are somehow considered more special. The best stories in the world to me are the ones that elicit a real emotion, but have humour. ~ Jim Carrey

US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army. ~ Mary Roach

You are not the first, and will not be the last, to say so. I wear my "warped" label with pride. ~ Jessica Park

Monseigneur, I have killed you! You are dead! You are dead!"
You display an unseemly joy," he remarked. "I had no notion you were so bloodthirsty. ~ Georgette Heyer

Rogue Squadron doesn't run. Unless we really, really have to."
"No, this will be Wraith Squadron's mission."
"We don't mind running. Even when we don't have to. ~ Aaron Allston

I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins ... you should be shot in the head. ~ Robert Clark

Don't try and make me feel better, Alex. I hate you."
"I hate you, too. ~ Simone Elkeles

Life has a sense of humour; it hides its best treasures in unexpected places. ~ Mensah Oteh

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process. ~ E.B. White

Humour is but the faint terrestrial echo of the hideous laughter of the blind mad gods that squat leeringly and sardonically in caverns beyond the Milky Way. It is a hollow thing, sweet on the outside, but filled with the pathos of fruitless aspiration. ~ H.P. Lovecraft

What could be worse than having to be seen resorting to your own life? ~ Gary Lutz

Her mother set to with the hairbrush again. "But would that be so awful, darling? To be the prettiest thing in Brimscombe-and-Thrupp?"

"I should rather die."

"You nearly did."

"Yes, but I tend to blame the Germans. ~ Chris Cleave