Colfer Quotes

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story
'
'Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'
Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain? ~ Eoin Colfer

Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said. ~ Eoin Colfer

I grew up in a conservative small town, and the gay characters I saw on TV and in movies when I was growing up were all flamboyant and obnoxious and sometimes kind of annoying. ~ Chris Colfer

It was impressive, but, pretty much like the man with the exploding head, it was a one-time trick. When ~ Eoin Colfer

Trust me. I haven't been wrong yet. ~ Eoin Colfer

For what it's worth, I know how you feel," Conner told him. "I used to doubt myself a lot. When people told me I wasn't good enough, I believed them. It's hard not to when you're young."
"Tell me about it," Bold said. "Does it get better when you're older?"
"It did for me," Conner said.
"How?" Bolt asked.
"Someone else believed in me," Conner said. "All it took was one person's approval and suddenly I believed myself, too. It gave me a shield to block out all the doubt and negativity. It made me realize I was just as capable and deserving as the people I compared myself to. But you know what? I was wrong."
"You were?" Bolt asked.
"Totally," Conner said. "I didn't need someone else. I had confidence in myself, deep down inside, the whole time. Approval is just a shortcut to self-worth, but sometimes we have to find things out on your own. Sometimes if we want something bad enough, we have to inspire ourselves to get it. Sometimes we have to be our own superhero."
Out of everything Conner said, he could tell this resonated with the boy the most. If he wanted to help people, maybe he had to start with himself.
"But what if I fail?" Bolt asked. "What if the Snake Lord wins and I don't save anyone? Then I'll never be a superhero."
"A very wise man once told me that 'courage is what makes a superhero super,'" Conner said. "He never sad anything about succeeding. ~ Chris Colfer

I may have no idea what I'm talking about," I said, a little ticked off now. "But we're all a part of a minority waiting for a majority to pull their heads out of their asses. ~ Chris Colfer

Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.
Artemis Fowl ~ Eoin Colfer

But after being on the run I've learned a life spent creating enemies isn't worth leading. Having allies is the best advantage in the world. ~ Chris Colfer

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up. ~ Eoin Colfer

Holly died without a friend to hold her hand. Artemis felt her go, another gift of the magic. He kept on counting, brushing away the tears on his cheeks. ~ Eoin Colfer

Misery fills the emptiness that hope leaves behind when the world disappoints you. ~ Chris Colfer

But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart. ~ Eoin Colfer

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, ~ Chris Colfer

I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall in my GaGa shoes one night on tour and I'm hoping it becomes a Youtube sensation. ~ Chris Colfer

Nobody ever got rich by wearing a heart on their sleeve, unless it was someone else's heart. ~ Eoin Colfer

How was your ... eh ... trip?"
Artemis felt the sting of tears in his own eyes. "Um, eventful ... ~ Eoin Colfer

When Holly Short had opened the door of her makeshift basement cell, she had found her helmet bouncing on the spot in front of her with a 3-D image of Foaly's face projected onto it. That is really creepy, ~ Eoin Colfer

If Elmore Leonard met Jim Thompson down a dark alley at midnight they might emerge a week later with thick beards, bloodshot eyes and the manuscript for THE BIG O. ~ Eoin Colfer

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal. ~ Eoin Colfer

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.
'Nope,' I replied. ~ Eoin Colfer

You don't want to spend your life searching for relevance," Iris said. "It will only lead to mistakes. Those mistakes will harden you and make you bitter. You'll start resenting people who have found happiness. You'll spread misery, hoping it will destroy your own, but it won't. If you have a chance to validate something within yourself, then do yourself a favor and take that chance. You don't want to live with a piece of your heart missing - it'll turn you into a monster. It's better to be the hero of your own story than to become the villain of someone else's."
"So you're saying I would find this Cornelia woman?" Bree asked.
"If it'll bring you peace, I recommend you do," Iris said. "Even if you don't get the answers you're looking for, you'll never be poisoned with regret. ~ Chris Colfer

It can play solitaire and minesweeper, replied Artemis innocently. ~ Eoin Colfer

Chris Colfer ... he's like a ... playful wood-nymph. ~ Darren Criss

You know as well as I do that fortune never sends the best-case scenario our way
You have way too much bad karma. ~ Eoin Colfer

The patient bird gets the worm," Skylene said with a confident nod. "That's another classic phrase."
Tangerina rolled her eyes and pulled her friend aside.
"Skylene, the phrase is 'The early bird gets the worm," she said. "It's supposed to encourage people to wake up early."
"Oh," Skylene said. "But that's not very encouraging for an early worm. ~ Chris Colfer

I know you secretly agree with me," Conner said, bumping her shoulder with his. "Conner, ~ Chris Colfer

The Hitchhiker's Guide is a hundred percent accurate. Reality, however, is not as reliable. ~ Eoin Colfer

She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.'
'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.'
'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly. ~ Eoin Colfer

What grinds me the most is that we're sending kids out into the world who don't know how to balance a checkbook, don't know how to apply for a loan, don't even know how to properly fill out a job application, but because they know the quadratic formula we consider them prepared for the world? ~ Chris Colfer

After a few moments, her eyes became as glossy as his and she also spoke in complete nonsense. "Who are you?" Mother Goose asked the caterpillar. "What I am," he said. "Where are you?" she said. "Here with you," the caterpillar said. "And if this were the Castle of Hearts?" Mother Goose asked. "We'd be there," he said. "But where?" she asked. "In the castle," he said. "Ah, so there would be here," she said, and they nodded together. "Here would be what's left." The caterpillar nodded. "Am I what's left?" she asked. "You're what's right, of course." "But what's right is wrong." "And what's left is right." "I understand completely," Mother Goose said. "Thank you so much, Mr. Caterpillar." The others stared at them absolutely dumbfounded. Mother Goose hopped down from the mushroom and moseyed back to them. ~ Chris Colfer

Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored. ~ Eoin Colfer

Justin Timber-guy ~ Eoin Colfer

Mulch's tongue lolled out, resting on the centaur's neck. "Mmm," he mumbled around his tongue. "Horse. Tasty"
"Let's go," said Foaly nervously. "Let's go right now. ~ Eoin Colfer

Although it broke her heart to be away from Butterboy, the distance taught the queen a valuable lesson and a secret to success: When you can't have what you want, make the most out of what you have! ~ Chris Colfer

A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit? ~ Eoin Colfer

Certainly, Doctor. Let's talk about your chair. Victorian? ~ Eoin Colfer

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss? ~ Eoin Colfer

Jack stepped onstage dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt.
"I'm the handsome Butterboy," Jack announced. "I'm the queen's soul mate. I just don't know it yet because I'm emotionally immature. Sorry, Conner."
Conner was so embarrassed, he sank into his seat and covered his face with his backpack. Trollbella was sporting a wide grin - this was her favorite part of the show. Red struck a theatrical pose with her hands over her heart.
"Be still my heart, for I am in love!" Red announced.
"Now, Peter!" Trollbella whispered.
Peter soared out from backstage and flew in circles over the audience. The children laughed and clapped - they reached up and tried to touch him. Conner was irritated by how much they were enjoying the show.
"Hello, Butterboy!" Red said to Jack. "Would you like to be my king and rule the trolls and goblins with me? Oh, how happy we will be together!"
"Oh boy, that sounds wonderful!" Jack said. "How lucky I am to be loved by such a beautiful and brilliant troll queen. I will never find someone like her ever again - nope, not once, no how, no way, not going to happen! I want to be with Trollbella for all eternity!"
"I never said that!" Conner shouted from his seat. "She's making this up! ~ Chris Colfer

High School. Society's bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life. ~ Chris Colfer

Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do. ~ Eoin Colfer

Don't try to understand me, just be grateful that you felt the warmth of Zaphod Beeblebrox's aura on your wonderstruck face. ~ Eoin Colfer

These headsets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar." "And is there a spider scratching in Madagascar?" "Well ... I don't know. They can't really - ~ Eoin Colfer

That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart. ~ Eoin Colfer

You need to stop thinking with your head, Mud Boy, and start thinking with your heart.
Artemis sighed. The heart was an organ for pumping oxygen-rich blood to the cells. It could no more think than an apple could tap-dance. ~ Eoin Colfer

So, let's make a deal: If you do not voice all the withering comments about the weight or uselessness of this jacket that are no doubt swirling in that big brain of yours, then I will not mention the super-laser episode again. Agreed?"
This jacket is really cutting into my shoulders, thought Artemis. And it's so heavy that I could not outrun a slug.
But he said, "Agreed. ~ Eoin Colfer

He'd say, 'Right now we're livingin an ugly chapter of our lives, but books always get better,'"
~Charlotte Bailey, Land of Stories: A Wishing Spell ~ Chris Colfer

There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell. ~ Eoin Colfer

I have no time for babbling foolishness."
"Don't be so hasty," said Victor. "There's always time for babbling. ~ Eoin Colfer

Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."
Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"
Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll."
"Really?" Argon was interested now.
"No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."
Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual. ~ Eoin Colfer

Fowl and fairy, friends forever. ~ Eoin Colfer

I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland.
A line came to him: It would be so nice if something made sense for a change. ~ Eoin Colfer

Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment. ~ Eoin Colfer

(text message) CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR. ~ Eoin Colfer

If you're going to read five books, three should be issues and two for fun. ~ Eoin Colfer

I've always thought fairies were better than witches - and I liked feeling better than something else. It helped me cope with all the hatred the world sent us. Believing I was born that way made me feel valuable - like the universe was on my side."
"Me too," Skylene said. "And we hated witches just like humankind hates us. But now we know we're not better than witches - and we're not any better than humankind, either."
Brystal knelt in front of her troubled friends and placed a hand on both of their knees.
"We're all just a couple of mistakes away from becoming the people we despise," she said. "So don't think worse of yourself, but let this change how you think of yourself. Start valuing who you are, more than what you are. Prove you're better than most people by showing more acceptance and empathy. And fuel your pride with what you earn and create, instead of what you're born with. ~ Chris Colfer

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. ~ Eoin Colfer

It's Better To Be The Hero Of Your Own Story Than To Become The Villain Of Someone Else's

- Iris ~ Chris Colfer

I was a lone duck in a swan-filled pond who criticized everyone. ~ Chris Colfer

Luckily, he had the memory span of a particularly dim goldfish, so with any luck he'd have forgotten all about the comment by the time they'd completed their mission. ~ Eoin Colfer

In comic books, people with gifts became superheroes; in real life they became outcasts. ~ Eoin Colfer

Did you bring any food? I haven't eaten for, wow, it must be minutes. ~ Eoin Colfer

We all do our part," Alex teased. "But if it's any consolation, Red's problems are a lot like weeds. No matter how many times you pull them, they just keep coming back. ~ Chris Colfer

Our Titanic of a family sank deeper and deeper as time went on. But in a sick way, I'm almost glad it did. In my desperate attempt to escape it, I was led to the greatest discovery ever: words. I was fascinated by them. There were so many! I could tell a story, I could write about my day, I could write about the day I wished I had had instead… It was an endless power! ~ Chris Colfer

So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis.
"And a T-shirt. ~ Eoin Colfer

And if history had taught any lessons it was that humans couldn't get along with anyone, even themselves. ~ Eoin Colfer

I'm horrible at auditions anyway. Maybe that's why I never got anything. ~ Chris Colfer

Always let the world inspire and influence you, but never let it discourage you. ~ Chris Colfer

Orion brightened. "I have an idea."
"Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.
"Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other. ~ Eoin Colfer

Like having a great idea, life comes at you fast. It hits you and tries to escape and be expressed in any way possible. In a way, it's a lot like ... lightning. ~ Chris Colfer

It would take less than a second for you to die. But that's quite long enough to be in mortal agony, don't you think? ~ Eoin Colfer

I don't think I've ever tried to be something that I'm not. People do that for you. People try to pigeonhole you. People tried typecasting me, before they even saw me in anything else. I've never understood that. I was like, "Why don't you wait until my next project, before you start telling my what my career is going to look like, for the next 10 years?" I've never let it set me back because I always knew the world would try to do that for me, anyway. ~ Chris Colfer

M...maybe,' I stutter. 'Whatever the reason, this woman has problems. We need to be compassionate, show understanding.'

'Or slice her head off. I have plastic bags.'

Sure. We could toss her in the car beside her partner, then drive to the mall where I dumped Macey and line up all three bodies together in the Lexus. Hell, why not steal Connie's corpse from the morgue to complete the set? ~ Eoin Colfer

As she looked into all the hopeful but weary eyes of the magical community, Brystal was reminded of her final moments with Madame Weatherberry, and she knew exactly what she wanted to say.
"Hello, everyone," she said. "I can only imagine what you've all been through to get here - both in life and on the road. This historic day is possible thanks to a long history of brave men and women making tremendous sacrifices. And although the fight for acceptance and freedom may seem like it's over, our work isn't finished. The world will never be a better place for us until we make it a better place for all. And no matter what challenges await us, no matter whose favor we've yet to earn, we cannot allow anyone's hate to rob us of our compassion or dampen our ambition along the way."
"The truth is," Brystal continued, "there will always be a fight, there will always be bridges to cross and stones to turn, but we must never forfeit our joy to the times we live in. When we surrender our ability to be happy, we become as flawed as the battles we face. And too many lives have already been lost for us to lose sight of what we're fighting for now. So let's honor the people who gave their lives for this moment to happen - let's cherish their memory by living each and every day as freely, as proudly, and as joyfully as they would have wanted us to. Together let's begin a new chapter for our community, so when they tell our story years in the future, the tale of magic has a happy and p ~ Chris Colfer

She had to hang on to the bars tightly because the fairy dust was making her drift back to the sky. ~ Chris Colfer

I waved my hand in front of my face, obi-wan style. "I am not here."
Niall's mucas glands kicked into overdrive. "Eoin's dead! And his ghost is standing right there on the grass!"
Donal let out a long suffering sigh. "Eoin is being a writer." Niall calmed down, becuase everyone knows writers are weird and are always doing stupid thingss. ~ Eoin Colfer

Creatures of the Darkness
BY VICKI JORDAN

It was world of vampires and demons, where innocence
was rare and so were the living. It was a world of darkness,
where light had been outlawed and nightfall had swallowed
us whole.

An epic war had been fought, and the creatures of the dark
had finally prevailed over the promoters of the light. Finally,
for the first time in existence, the people of the shadows could
come out and freely walk among one another in the rays of the
dying sun, which had once been used to shun them away.

A little girl, a child of the light, had survived the battle and
crawled out from under the ashes of the destruction. She looked
around at her altered world in dismay and confronted a vampire
about the changes, of which she did not approve.

"Why did you turn my world into a world of night, and make
wrong into a new form of right? How could you make all the light
disappear, and with it everyone I once loved so dear? Why are the
shadows now the new sun, and why is everything lost what you have
won?"
The vampire looked down at the little girl with amusement
and delight.

"Because, little girl, this is the real world you see, where there's no
light to shine on false identities. We didn't destroy the world just to scare;
we simply uncovered what was already there. What has come out was all the
~ Chris Colfer

Villains are mostly just people villainized by circumstance ~ Chris Colfer

I've learned that the more people embrace their disadvantages, the less disadvantaged they become! ~ Chris Colfer

Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?
Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be? ~ Eoin Colfer

Excuse me, Tex, the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits. ~ Eoin Colfer

As a child, Zaphod had been diagnosed with ADHDDAAADHD (ntm) ABT which stood for Always Dreaming His Dopey Days Away, Also Attention Deficit Hyperflactulance Disorder (not to mention) A Bit Thick. ~ Eoin Colfer

The gremlin mob turned on Root, and when they saw the triple-barreled blaster on his hip, they kept right on turning. Root grabbed the microphone from behind the desk, and hauled it out to the extent of its cable. "Now hear this," he growled, his gravelly tones echoing around the terminal. "This is Commander Root of the LEP. We have a serious situation above ground, and I would appreciate cooperation from all you civilians. First, I would like you all to stop your yapping so I can hear myself think!" Root paused to make certain his wishes were being respected. They were. "Secondly, I would like every single one of you, including those squawling infants, to sit down on the courtesy benches until I have gone on my way. Then you can get back to griping or stuffing your faces. Or whatever else it is civilians do." No one had ever accused Root of political correctness. No one was ever likely to either. ~ Eoin Colfer

We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon. ~ Eoin Colfer

Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.
"Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction. ~ Eoin Colfer

this was business. ~ Eoin Colfer

If you spend your whole life worrying about getting hurt, then you aren't really living. You don't want to shield yourself so much from the bad stuff that nothing good gets to you either. ~ Chris Colfer

If you all will please excuse me," Red said and headed out of the courtyard. "I think I'm going to lie down for a minute. My life has suddenly become a Shakeyfruit play. ~ Chris Colfer

I often think I should just abandon the whole thing. I really do. Time travel could be a gift to humanity. Whoever controls it could do some real good for mankind. But you have to ask yourself, with humanity's track record, is that likely?
- Professor Charles Smart ~ Eoin Colfer

Scientists are the enemies of tradition , and tradition own all the prisons. - Victor Vigny ~ Eoin Colfer

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old. ~ Eoin Colfer

Artemis was propped on his elbows. "You hit me," he said in disbelief. ~ Eoin Colfer

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written. ~ Eoin Colfer

Fairy tale 'adaptations' are usually stripped of every moral and lesson the stories were originally intended to teach, and replaced with singing and dancing forest animals. I recently read that films are being created depicting Cinderella as a struggling hip-hop singer and Sleeping Beauty as a warrior princess battling zombies!" "Awesome," a student behind Alex whispered to himself. Alex ~ Chris Colfer

There were no parents holding them back, no younger siblings needing to be cared for, no one telling them they were going to burn in hell, and no one telling them they had an illness. There were no limits, no responsibilities, no religion, and no misunderstandings. In that moment, there was just the music vibrating through their bodies. The worst part was knowing the music and the moment would eventually end. ~ Chris Colfer

Now, I'd like to enlighten your perspective on magic, so you may continue making this kingdom a fairer and safer place for all your people. After all, justice cannot exist for one if it doesn't exist for everyone. ~ Chris Colfer

You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue ~ Eoin Colfer

Laughing at someone's dream was one of the cruelest things a person can do to another. ~ Chris Colfer

If we make it through this, we will be friends. Bonded by trauma. ~ Eoin Colfer

We can promise to try. ~ Chris Colfer