Eoin Colfer Quotes

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story
'
'Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'
Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain? ~ Eoin Colfer

Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said. ~ Eoin Colfer

It was impressive, but, pretty much like the man with the exploding head, it was a one-time trick. When ~ Eoin Colfer

Trust me. I haven't been wrong yet. ~ Eoin Colfer

Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.
Artemis Fowl ~ Eoin Colfer

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up. ~ Eoin Colfer

Holly died without a friend to hold her hand. Artemis felt her go, another gift of the magic. He kept on counting, brushing away the tears on his cheeks. ~ Eoin Colfer

But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart. ~ Eoin Colfer

Nobody ever got rich by wearing a heart on their sleeve, unless it was someone else's heart. ~ Eoin Colfer

How was your ... eh ... trip?"
Artemis felt the sting of tears in his own eyes. "Um, eventful ... ~ Eoin Colfer

When Holly Short had opened the door of her makeshift basement cell, she had found her helmet bouncing on the spot in front of her with a 3-D image of Foaly's face projected onto it. That is really creepy, ~ Eoin Colfer

If Elmore Leonard met Jim Thompson down a dark alley at midnight they might emerge a week later with thick beards, bloodshot eyes and the manuscript for THE BIG O. ~ Eoin Colfer

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal. ~ Eoin Colfer

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.
'Nope,' I replied. ~ Eoin Colfer

It can play solitaire and minesweeper, replied Artemis innocently. ~ Eoin Colfer

You know as well as I do that fortune never sends the best-case scenario our way
You have way too much bad karma. ~ Eoin Colfer

The Hitchhiker's Guide is a hundred percent accurate. Reality, however, is not as reliable. ~ Eoin Colfer

She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.'
'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.'
'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly. ~ Eoin Colfer

Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored. ~ Eoin Colfer

Justin Timber-guy ~ Eoin Colfer

Mulch's tongue lolled out, resting on the centaur's neck. "Mmm," he mumbled around his tongue. "Horse. Tasty"
"Let's go," said Foaly nervously. "Let's go right now. ~ Eoin Colfer

A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit? ~ Eoin Colfer

Certainly, Doctor. Let's talk about your chair. Victorian? ~ Eoin Colfer

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss? ~ Eoin Colfer

Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do. ~ Eoin Colfer

Don't try to understand me, just be grateful that you felt the warmth of Zaphod Beeblebrox's aura on your wonderstruck face. ~ Eoin Colfer

These headsets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar." "And is there a spider scratching in Madagascar?" "Well ... I don't know. They can't really - ~ Eoin Colfer

That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart. ~ Eoin Colfer

You need to stop thinking with your head, Mud Boy, and start thinking with your heart.
Artemis sighed. The heart was an organ for pumping oxygen-rich blood to the cells. It could no more think than an apple could tap-dance. ~ Eoin Colfer

So, let's make a deal: If you do not voice all the withering comments about the weight or uselessness of this jacket that are no doubt swirling in that big brain of yours, then I will not mention the super-laser episode again. Agreed?"
This jacket is really cutting into my shoulders, thought Artemis. And it's so heavy that I could not outrun a slug.
But he said, "Agreed. ~ Eoin Colfer

There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell. ~ Eoin Colfer

I have no time for babbling foolishness."
"Don't be so hasty," said Victor. "There's always time for babbling. ~ Eoin Colfer

Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."
Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"
Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll."
"Really?" Argon was interested now.
"No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."
Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual. ~ Eoin Colfer

Fowl and fairy, friends forever. ~ Eoin Colfer

I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland.
A line came to him: It would be so nice if something made sense for a change. ~ Eoin Colfer

Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment. ~ Eoin Colfer

(text message) CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR. ~ Eoin Colfer

If you're going to read five books, three should be issues and two for fun. ~ Eoin Colfer

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. ~ Eoin Colfer

Luckily, he had the memory span of a particularly dim goldfish, so with any luck he'd have forgotten all about the comment by the time they'd completed their mission. ~ Eoin Colfer

In comic books, people with gifts became superheroes; in real life they became outcasts. ~ Eoin Colfer

Did you bring any food? I haven't eaten for, wow, it must be minutes. ~ Eoin Colfer

So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis.
"And a T-shirt. ~ Eoin Colfer

And if history had taught any lessons it was that humans couldn't get along with anyone, even themselves. ~ Eoin Colfer

Orion brightened. "I have an idea."
"Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.
"Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other. ~ Eoin Colfer

It would take less than a second for you to die. But that's quite long enough to be in mortal agony, don't you think? ~ Eoin Colfer

M...maybe,' I stutter. 'Whatever the reason, this woman has problems. We need to be compassionate, show understanding.'

'Or slice her head off. I have plastic bags.'

Sure. We could toss her in the car beside her partner, then drive to the mall where I dumped Macey and line up all three bodies together in the Lexus. Hell, why not steal Connie's corpse from the morgue to complete the set? ~ Eoin Colfer

I waved my hand in front of my face, obi-wan style. "I am not here."
Niall's mucas glands kicked into overdrive. "Eoin's dead! And his ghost is standing right there on the grass!"
Donal let out a long suffering sigh. "Eoin is being a writer." Niall calmed down, becuase everyone knows writers are weird and are always doing stupid thingss. ~ Eoin Colfer

Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?
Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be? ~ Eoin Colfer

Excuse me, Tex, the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits. ~ Eoin Colfer

As a child, Zaphod had been diagnosed with ADHDDAAADHD (ntm) ABT which stood for Always Dreaming His Dopey Days Away, Also Attention Deficit Hyperflactulance Disorder (not to mention) A Bit Thick. ~ Eoin Colfer

The gremlin mob turned on Root, and when they saw the triple-barreled blaster on his hip, they kept right on turning. Root grabbed the microphone from behind the desk, and hauled it out to the extent of its cable. "Now hear this," he growled, his gravelly tones echoing around the terminal. "This is Commander Root of the LEP. We have a serious situation above ground, and I would appreciate cooperation from all you civilians. First, I would like you all to stop your yapping so I can hear myself think!" Root paused to make certain his wishes were being respected. They were. "Secondly, I would like every single one of you, including those squawling infants, to sit down on the courtesy benches until I have gone on my way. Then you can get back to griping or stuffing your faces. Or whatever else it is civilians do." No one had ever accused Root of political correctness. No one was ever likely to either. ~ Eoin Colfer

We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon. ~ Eoin Colfer

Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.
"Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction. ~ Eoin Colfer

this was business. ~ Eoin Colfer

I often think I should just abandon the whole thing. I really do. Time travel could be a gift to humanity. Whoever controls it could do some real good for mankind. But you have to ask yourself, with humanity's track record, is that likely?
- Professor Charles Smart ~ Eoin Colfer

Scientists are the enemies of tradition , and tradition own all the prisons. - Victor Vigny ~ Eoin Colfer

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old. ~ Eoin Colfer

Artemis was propped on his elbows. "You hit me," he said in disbelief. ~ Eoin Colfer

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written. ~ Eoin Colfer

You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue ~ Eoin Colfer

If we make it through this, we will be friends. Bonded by trauma. ~ Eoin Colfer

The boy who kidnapped Holly Short all those years ago would never have entertained the notion of sacrificing himself. But he was no longer that boy. His parents were restored to him, and he had brothers. And dear friends. Something else Artemis had never anticipated. ~ Eoin Colfer

Young love is common, but that doesn't mean it's not precious. ~ Eoin Colfer

This is what love does, he realized, and in that moment he understood why Artemis had kidnapped a fairy to get the money to find his father.
Love makes everything else seem
inconsequential ~ Eoin Colfer

Most craft give a nod, however brief and unfriendly, towards beauty. Vogon ships did not nod towards beauty. They pulled on ski masks and mugged beauty in a dark alley They spat in the eye of beauty and bludgeoned their wait through the notions of aesthetics and aerodynamics. Vogon cruisers did not so much travel through space as defile it and toss it aside. ~ Eoin Colfer

No alcohol, Riley." She nodded at the screen. "How are you liking the twenty-first century?"
Riley burped. "The Take That are most melodic. And God bless Harry Potter is all I can say. If not for him, all of London would have been consumed by the dark arts. ~ Eoin Colfer

Mona began firing with deadly accuracy, also with a stream of Spanish words that Cosmo suspected were not taught in kindergarten. ~ Eoin Colfer

Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?"
Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have. ~ Eoin Colfer

A fifeteen-year old, of to save the world, with faries. - Angeline Fowl ~ Eoin Colfer

I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots. ~ Eoin Colfer

In fact, he was barely a man anymore. He was the devil. And sooner or later the devil destroyed everything in his reach. It was his nature. ~ Eoin Colfer

What a peach of a night this had turned out to be.

Everett fucking Moreau: master planner.

Like that little French guy who used to get with tall ladies to prove a point. Napoleon.

But not like him at all, except for they both ended up fucked on an island, if he didn't misremember his history. Or maybe it was Huck Finn who got fucked on an island.

Either way, he was the idiot getting fucked on a water-locked landmass this fine evening. ~ Eoin Colfer

And one more thing. About my name - Artemis - you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you. ~ Eoin Colfer

The sun was already long past the spire when Garrick purchased a mug of coffee from his regular man on the tip of Oxford Street. But his palate had been educated by 21st century coffee, and he judged this mug as bilge water not fit for the Irish. ~ Eoin Colfer

A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums. ~ Eoin Colfer

Who or what inspires you?"
"I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself. ~ Eoin Colfer

The others ignored him, busy doing what men generally do in dangerous times: putting on their trousers. ~ Eoin Colfer

The trick to negotiation was to hold all the cards going in and, even if you didn't, to try to look as though you did. ~ Eoin Colfer

But then what were physical feelings if not more electrical messages from the brain? Why believe in them either? Was there anything trustworthy in the Universe that one could hug and hold on to in the midst of a butterfly storm, other than a Hawaliusian wind staunch? ~ Eoin Colfer

No Fletcher. Wake up, boy. Those are the flames of Hell. Dermont dropped out of school, so that's where he's headed. See the little horns? -Ms. Quinn ~ Eoin Colfer

Caballine likes me to be masterful. She calls me her stallion. ~ Eoin Colfer

Red climbed like a monkey, I to climbed like a monkey. A very old one. With one leg. And six fingers ~ Eoin Colfer

I have a lovely office at the back of my house; it's an old stable and you can see right out to the countryside on one side and into the house on the other side. ~ Eoin Colfer

People like me, LB, the truly great ones ... we are always alone. ~ Eoin Colfer

Good. Illegal is always faster. ~ Eoin Colfer

(about Dr. Po) Just another quack spouting psychobabble. ~ Eoin Colfer

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense. ~ Eoin Colfer

I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?' 'We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff. ~ Eoin Colfer

Of course I saved you," she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed with magic, Holly leaned down and kissed Artemis, magic sparking around the contact like tiny fireworks. ~ Eoin Colfer

Look at those two. Wasting time. You wouldn't catch me doing that. ~ Eoin Colfer

As the clinic's janitors, it had been a simple matter for Merv and Scant to plant the acid balloons the previous evening. Of ~ Eoin Colfer

It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice. ~ Eoin Colfer

Anything else, Butler?"
"The cosh, sir. ~ Eoin Colfer

Jon Spiro might have "stuff " that the military didn't have, but Artemis Fowl had "stuff " that humans had never seen. ~ Eoin Colfer

Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient. ~ Eoin Colfer

How does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.
Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall.
Descant nodded.'You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it. ~ Eoin Colfer

Artemis smiled grimly. And for a moment, he felt like his old, conniving self, before Holly and his mother had introduced him to their pesky moral codes. ~ Eoin Colfer

When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero? ~ Eoin Colfer

So even though his involvement with the goblin uprising during his fourteenth year was to be traumatic, terrifying, and dangerous; it was probably the best thing that could have happened. At least he spent some time outdoors and got to meet some new people.

It's a pity most of them were trying to kill him. ~ Eoin Colfer