Cigarette Humor Quotes

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. ~ Dylan Moran

With this first cigarette, I kissed childhood goodbye. Now I was a grown-up. ~ Marjane Satrapi

Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion. ~ Tennessee Williams

Hey, would you look at that shit?"
I turned on my heel. The patrons who'd fled at the first hint of trouble had come back and were enjoying the spectacle.
"Clear out!" I barked.
They paid me no mind. Asshole innocent bystanders. ~ Ilona Andrews

Mom actually said that?" Cassie's face shown with happiness. "She always hated my math!"
"Nah," Martin said. "She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents told us what they really think about stuff, we could figure them out like regular people. ~ Clare B. Dunkle

Audrey didn't understand Piper's obsession with Erik. Yes, he was insanely gorgeous, with dark hair and dark sexy eyes, but he gave off a dick vibe. Piper was such a sweet and funny girl, and Audrey really didn't think they would be good together. But apparently Erik Titov did it for Piper, and who was she to question it? She herself was in love with an ass-hat and lusting over a child. She was in no place to judge anyone on their lusty needs. ~ Toni Aleo

Is that dog shit on the bottom of your shoe?'
I sat up a fraction. 'What?'
'Is that dog shit on the bottom of your shoe?'
'I don't know, the lab report's not back yet,' I replied drily.
'I'm serious, is that dog shit?'
'How should I know?'
Katz leaned far enough forward to give it a good look and a cautious sniff. 'It is dog shit,' he announced with an odd tone of satisfaction.
'Well, keep quiet about it or everybody'll want some.'
'Go and clean it off, will ya? It's making me nauseous.'
And here the bickering started, in intense little whispers.
'You go and clean it off.'
'It's your shoes.'
'Well, I kind of like it. Besides, it kills the smell of this guy next to me.'
'Well, it's making me nauseous.'
'Well, I don't give a shit.'
'Well, I think you're a fuck-head.'
'Oh, you do, do you?'
'Yes, as a matter of fact. You've been a fuck-head since Austria.'
'Well, you've been a fuck-head since birth.'
'Me?' A wounded look. 'That's rich. You were a fuck-head in the womb, Bryson. You've got three kinds of chromosomes: X, Y and fuck-head. ~ Bill Bryson

I'm not looking for the perfect man. I'm looking for the man whose imperfections I can put up with. ~ Devon Ashley

Stick to catching runaway livestock. ~ Anne Hagan

One day a little old lady came and asked my name, saying she couldn't read my nametag. I told her and reached for the little slip of paper she held, but she put it behind her back. It seemed she wanted to chat before giving it up. Fine with me. We chatted about our matching cardigans (the fact that I dress like a little old lady was not lost on me) and we chatted about how the Portland weather bothered her bones. We talked for a long while about her husband and how much she'd grown to hate him over the years. Then, since I guessed I'd earned her trust, she handed me her slip of paper. It was for a book on exotic poisons. I got her the book and spent the next few weeks scanning the obituaries for every old man that had died. So, yes, folks I may be an accomplice to murder. Don't say there's no excitement at the library. ~ Nick Pageant

I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. ~ Louis C.K.

Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic. ~ Jack London

"Is that you, lad?" he ventured.
"Is that you, dad?"
"Yes," said Ptaclusp."
"It's me, dad."
"I'm glad it's you, son."
"Can you see anything?"
"No. It's all mist and fog."
"Thank the gods for that, I thought it was me."
"It is you, isn't it? You said."
"Yes, dad. ~ Terry Pratchett

Sex with an ex
Is it ever really painless or just inviting stress?
I mean, really
Who does that?
Oh wait, I'm sure if they could, most everyone would ... ~ Natasha Ramsey

Why does that kid think so highly of himself?"
"Kids that think they're so smart.They're everywhere! Destroy is self-esteem!"
"Yes ... I really do think highly of myself.People like me should get a taste of the ups and downs of life! Sorry I'm so envious.I will reflect upon this. Please don't be angry.
"Ah..um.."
"There, I said it now. Are you satisfied?"
...
"Bye bye!"
Beat him ... Beat him until he reaches heaven ... !!!
-random people and Hiro-chan
~ Natsuki Takaya

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible. ~ Ricky Gervais

So do you really expect me to continue to believe that incredibly sucktastic we're-just-a-bunch-of-grease-monkeys line? Seriously, dude, I could eat a bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal and crap out a better story than that. ~ Julie Ann-Walker

It's a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody's expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at everyone's expense. ~ Richard Kalvar

What grinds me the most is we're sending kids out into the world who don't know how to balance a checkbook, don't know how to apply for a loan, don't even know how to properly fill out a job application, but because they know the quadratic formula we consider them prepared for the world`
With that said, I'll admit even I can see how looking at the equation x -3 = 19 and knowing x =22 can be useful. I'll even say knowing x =7 and y= 8 in a problem like 9x - 6y= 15 can be helpful. But seriously, do we all need to know how to simplify (x-3)(x-3i)??
And the joke is, no one can continue their education unless they do. A student living in California cannot get into a four-year college unless they pass Algebra 2 in high school. A future psychologist can't become a psychologist, a future lawyer can't become a lawyer, and I can't become a journalist unless each of us has a basic understanding of engineering.
Of course, engineers and scientists use this shit all the time, and I applaud them! But they don't take years of theater arts appreciation courses, because a scientist or an engineer doesn't need to know that 'The Phantom of the Opoera' was the longest-running Broadway musical of all time.
Get my point? ~ Chris Colfer

Follow the ideal doing,
grind the beans just before brewing.
Use spring water,
for softened water,
makes a horror.
A parley perfect,
between the coffee,
and the milk,
with some,
brown sugar thick."
(Poem: An apology of a coffee lunatic, Book: Ginger and Honey) ~ Jasleen Kaur Gumber

At one time I smoked, but in 1959 I couldn't think of anything else to give up for Lent so I stopped - and I haven't had a cigarette since. ~ Ethel Merman

Captain Dave is a salt-and-pepper guy who looks older than forty-six. He doesn't have kids of his own. Some people are born to be uncles and Captain Dave is that kind of people. He's also a recovering alcoholic who's obsessed with what everyone else is drinking at all times. Life is hard for some people. ~ Caroline Kepnes

To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart - that's if I had one. ~ Morrissey

. . . Mrs. Arcanum considered foreign parts only marginally less unspeakable than private parts. . . ~ Terry Pratchett

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. ~ Steven Wright

Dirk looked at her expressionlessly. Apart from being extremely good-looking in a blondish, willowyish kind of way, she was dressed well in an "I don't care what I wear, just any old thing that's lying around" kind of way that relies on extremely careful about what you leave lying around. ~ Douglas Adams

The bus had a lavatory in the wayback rear, which no one ever made any attempt to use, and I remember consciously deciding to trust that the passengers had good reason for not using it instead of venturing in and discovering that reason for myself. ~ David Foster Wallace

I think you people are just marvelous," she said in a dramatic manner, closing her eyes for a moment.

"You know, sometimes I hear the Great Spirit calling to me. Perhaps I was a squaw in my last life. My family would never talk about it when I was growing up, but I'm pretty sure my great-grandmother was a real Cherokee princess. Are you Cherokee, by any chance?"

"Cherokee to the bone, ma'am," Luther replied, giving Jimmy a wink.

"Oh, I knew it when I laid eyes on you," she responded and turned to Jimmy. "Are you also Cherokee?"

"No, ma'am. I wanted to be but I didn't have the grades to get in."

"Oh, you poor dear," the woman said, reaching over to pat him on the arm. ~ Robert Owings

The trouble with you, Charles, is that basically you despise women, whereas I, in spite of some appearances to the contrary, do not."

"I don't despise women. I was in love with all Shakespeare's heroines before I was twelve."

"But they don't exist, dear man, that's the point. They live in the never-never land of art, all tricked out in Shakespeare's wit and wisdom, and mock us from there, filling us with false hopes and empty dreams. The real thing is spite and lies and arguments about money. ~ Iris Murdoch

Luck is a woman. She's drawn to those that least deserve her. ~ Joe Abercrombie

We heads of state really prefer to have some sort of an agenda before we sit down at the high-stakes table, you know. All bad novelists notwithstanding, surprise and improvisation are not the best basis for successful diplomacy! ~ David Weber

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up. ~ Starley Ard

What brought us together was a love of nature, or, more specifically, of catching things and unintentionally killing them. ~ David Sedaris

It's a tricky business, nurturing that aura of unapproachability. ~ Dean Hale

Do feel free to call upon me. My discretion may be relied upon, I do assure you." He bowed quaintly from his saddle. "To the same extent as your loyalty to Colum MacKenzie?" I said, arching my brows. The small brown eyes met mine full on, and I saw both the cleverness and the humor that lurked in their faded depths. "Ah, weel," he said, without apology. "Worth a try. ~ Diana Gabaldon

They have miscalculated me as a leader. ~ George W. Bush

Sense of humor is more about the ability to take a joke than the ability to make it. ~ Nitya Prakash

People always think that happiness is a faraway thing," thought Francie, "something complicated and hard to get. Yet, what little things can make it up; a place of shelter when it rains - a cup of strong hot coffee when you're blue; for a man, a cigarette for contentment; a book to read when you're alone - just to be with someone you love. Those things make happiness. ~ Betty Smith

Mom has reorganized the kitchen so that the one room that was everyone's room is foreign to me. My visits are punctuated with me whipping around, angrily demanding, "Where are the forks, WHY DID YOU MOVE THE FORKS?" and she has to calmly open the drawer on the other side of the kitchen as if she moved it just to ruin my life. I just found out where she puts the bowls and their new location feels like such a personal attack that I can barely talk about it without raising my blood pressure. ~ Scaachi Koul

His thoughts inhabit a different plane from those of ordinary men; the simplest interpretation of that is to call him crazy. ~ Juliet Marillier

I think humor can be an effective way of getting the point across, but there are definitely times where I just write very earnestly. ~ Alex Pareene

Do you have anything to declare?' the statue asked me. 'Yes. I do have something to declare.' I said. 'I declare this is [dumb] ~ Rick Riordan

We left dents on each other. Mine was in her heart, and hers was on my car. ~ J.A. ANUM

The only reason i Fall in love with cigarette.each one take 2 minutes of my life and i love this. ~ Mohammed Zaki Ansari

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I'm printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me! ~ The Covert Comic

The only way to cry your eyes out and laugh your ass off at the same time is to have your mom or girlfriends present. Without them, the laughing part wouldn't be nearly as fun. ~ Shannon L. Alder