Larry David Quotes

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

The addition of nuts in salad ... I always find to be beneficial.

I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

Obviously comedic styles do change.

Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.

I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.

I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.

Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

You can't do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

I just feed off the energy of the audience.

I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.

I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.

I don't like people cleaning my room.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

Let's not forget, I got divorced.

It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

I'm a walking, talking enigma.

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Zero, zero belief in myself. And it's changed somewhat, but there's still a lot of that in me.

Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

Shouldn't be having a birthday party two weeks after your birthday ... Okay, three days, no more than that though, it's not your birthday anymore! There's gotta be a time, there's gotta be a cutoff point where you can't have birthday parties. You're so desperate for a party that you have to have a party two weeks after? Wait till next year, you missed it!

Women love a self-confident bald man.

There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.

I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

I'm anti-cheese in a salad.

She was breaking the rules! She wasn't following the rules of society ... The unwritten rules that we have as we go about our day. Like at night, you tiptoe, that's an unwritten rule, you tiptoe, so you don't wake people up, there's no sign 'TIPTOE', you just have to be smart enough and considerate enough to do it.

It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.

I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

I can't stand reading anything that I've said.

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

I'm a jerk, that's who I am. I'm like everybody else.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

I couldn't walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello.

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.

Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.

All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

I am not honest.

Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?

I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

Most people think I'm immodest.

It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

I believe in something.

I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

You write about what you know.

I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.

When I'm in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don't have to shake hands

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.