Bierce Quotes

ANIMAL, n. An organism which, requiring a great number of other animals for its sustenance, illustrates in a marked way the bounty of Providence in preserving the lives of his creatures. ~ Ambrose Bierce

INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back. ~ Ambrose Bierce

A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method ... of obtaining money by false pretences [by] "reading character" in the wrinkles [of] the hand. The pretence is not altogether false ... for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe." ~ Ambrose Bierce

Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. ~ Ambrose Bierce

An Italian proverb says: The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses. ~ Ambrose Bierce

DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters. ~ Ambrose Bierce

rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands ~ Ambrose Bierce

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends. ~ Ambrose Bierce

USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. ~ Ambrose Bierce

COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own. ~ Ambrose Bierce

MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify. ~ Ambrose Bierce

MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution. ~ Ambrose Bierce

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better. ~ Ambrose Bierce

MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. ~ Ambrose Bierce

LIAR, n. One who tells an unpleasant truth. ~ Ambrose Bierce

RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, "Homo ventrambulans". ~ Ambrose Bierce

MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. ~ Ambrose Bierce

QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect. ~ Ambrose Bierce

HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. ~ Ambrose Bierce

WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. ~ Ambrose Bierce

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. ~ Ambrose Bierce

IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. ~ Ambrose Bierce

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. ~ Ambrose Bierce

REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. ~ Ambrose Bierce

SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. ~ Ambrose Bierce

This is only a record of broken and apparently unrelated memories, some of them as distinct and sequent as brilliant beads upon a thread, others remote and strange, having the character of crimson dreams with interspaces blank and black
witch-fires glowing still and red in a great desolation. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection. ~ Ambrose Bierce

WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to him it should be said that he did not want to. ~ Ambrose Bierce

RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. ~ Ambrose Bierce

RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male rattlesnake the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two. ~ Ambrose Bierce

He did all of this without thinking but with care. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination ... ~ Ambrose Bierce

OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer ... ~ Ambrose Bierce

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. ~ Ambrose Bierce

A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Musca maledicta"). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not come down to us. ~ Ambrose Bierce

POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Behavior, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were concatenated without abruption. ~ Ambrose Bierce

There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust." "There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must. ~ Ambrose Bierce

KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Children who have proven themselves to be incorrigible by the age of twelve should be quickly and quietly beheaded, lest they grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate the likeness of their being. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Inexpedient: Not calculated to advance one's interests. ~ Ambrose Bierce

INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. ~ Ambrose Bierce

San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen ~ Ambrose Bierce

Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Indigestion: A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the Western Wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: 'Plenty well, no pray; big belly ache, heap God.' ~ Ambrose Bierce

Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would abolish evil! ~ Ambrose Bierce

Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that - stone walls do not a prison make. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. ~ Ambrose Bierce

URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others. ~ Ambrose Bierce

If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Immoral is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb. ~ Ambrose Bierce

A subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship ... [H]is master works for the means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect. ~ Ambrose Bierce

A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. ~ Ambrose Bierce

CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge. ~ Ambrose Bierce

A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The wife, or bitter half. ~ Ambrose Bierce

A pessimist asked God for relief. Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness, said God. No, replied the petitioner, I wish you to create something that would justify them. The world is all created,said God, but you have overlooked something ~ Ambrose Bierce

Art, n. This word has no definition. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it a numerical presumption. ~ Ambrose Bierce

NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. ~ Ambrose Bierce

RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead. ~ Ambrose Bierce

In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be construed as indifference. ~ Ambrose Bierce

CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance - against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. ~ Ambrose Bierce