Tosh O Quotes

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. ~ Daniel Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. ~ Daniel Tosh

Music is a science, it heals depression, it awakens, most people don't know, they just take music for an entertainment, something to dance to, and enjoy yourself and you go to bed and forget it tomorrow, music must never be forgotten, it's like a fountain that keeps on flowing ~ Peter Tosh

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit. ~ Daniel Tosh

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it. ~ Daniel Tosh

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. ~ Daniel Tosh

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul. ~ Daniel Tosh

Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there's an alarm going doesn't mean it's a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It's only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you've watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can't break up with me if we don't date. ~ Chris Rock

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. ~ Daniel Tosh

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid. ~ Daniel Tosh

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. ~ Daniel Tosh

I do nothing I regret, man, because I try to do nothing abominable. As long as there is not an abomination, there is nothing to regret, you understand? ~ Peter Tosh

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. ~ Daniel Tosh

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys. ~ Daniel Tosh

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. ~ Daniel Tosh

Everyone's trying to reach the top. Tell me how far is it from the bottom. ~ Peter Tosh

Because everyone who try a-go to church, and they were trying to teach but they weren't teaching, they was brainwashing. Since I would never call that teaching.. ~ Peter Tosh

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date. ~ Daniel Tosh

And being an "equal opportunity offender" - as in, "It's okay, because Daniel Tosh makes fun of ALL people: women, men, AIDS victims, dead babies, gay guys, blah blah blah" - falls apart when you remember (as so many of us are forced to all the time) that all people are not in equal positions of power. "Oh, don't worry - I punch everyone in the face! People, baby ducks, a lion, this Easter Island statue, the ocean…" Okay, well that baby duck is dead now. ~ Lindy West

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. ~ Daniel Tosh

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. ~ Daniel Tosh

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. ~ Daniel Tosh

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences. ~ Daniel Tosh

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out. ~ Daniel Tosh

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. ~ Daniel Tosh

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. ~ Daniel Tosh

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka. ~ Daniel Tosh

I can say that. I have a television show. ~ Daniel Tosh

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. ~ Daniel Tosh

I mean the flesh, never fade! The flesh never leave the creation, see, because with that divine spirit the flesh cannot fade. If the spirit is weak then the flesh fade, seen? ~ Peter Tosh

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth. ~ Daniel Tosh

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules. ~ Daniel Tosh

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work. ~ Daniel Tosh

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. ~ Daniel Tosh

Soon the earth will tilt on its axis and begin to dance to the reggae beat to the accompaniment of earthquake. And who can resist the dance of the earthquake, mon? ~ Peter Tosh

In the beginning there was the word. The word was Jah. The word is in I, Jah is in I. I make what is good, better, and what is better, best. I follow this in every aspect of life. ~ Peter Tosh

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. ~ Daniel Tosh