Secret Humor Quotes

I am no longer a Silent Brother," he said. "Only an ordinary man. My name is James, James Carstairs. But everyone calls me Jem. ~ Cassandra Clare

We have to remember not to tell them, each of them, that they are our new leader. It would only frighten them off, W. says. No one should ever know he or she is our leader, we agree. Only we should know. And we should follow them in secret. ~ Lars Iyer

When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all. ~ Joyce Brothers

Never be the senior man with a secret. ~ LCDR Leland Shanle

So Recklessly Exposed

December and January, gone.
Tulips coming up. It's time to watch
how trees stagger in the wind
and roses never rest.

Wisteria and Jasmine twist on themselves.
Violet kneels to Hyacinth, who bows.

Narcissus winks, wondering what will
the lightheaded Willow say
of such slow dancing by Cypress.

Painters come outdoors with brushes.
I love their hands.

The birds sing suddenly and all at once.
The soul says Ya Hu, quietly.

A dove calls, Where, ku?
Soul, you will find it.

Now the roses show their breasts.
No one hides when the Friend arrives.

The Rose speaks openly to the Nightingale.
Notice how the Green Lily has several tongues
but still keeps her secret.

Now the Nightingale sings this love
that is so recklessly exposed, like you. ~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I'm pissed at myself. I just spent forty-five minutes Googling my ex-girlfriends and ex-crushes. That's just information I don't need ... This is an unhealthy addiction ... a waste of my time and brain space. ~ A. J. Jacobs

Her biggest fault - perplexing to this day - is that Mother loves to pick trash. "Its an adventure", she says. "You never know what surprises you'll find ~ Camron Wright

The real secret, though, is that nobody belongs, whether they are natives or not. After expulsion from paradise all humans are in exile. You can be a Colonel Sanders chicken, born, raised and fried in one quarter of a square foot and you'll still be an outsider. The thing we call reality is a holding tank for people who must worry about belonging -- it's a worrier prison. Don't worry people! You'll soon be fried and eaten. A few of us are writers, hence double-alienated, but happier (because we are busy)
If it's true that many of us go through life feeling like we don't belong, could digression (geographical and otherwise) be our way of trying to forget, or to escape, that feeling?

Bad news: there are no digressions. Everything is connected in the whole darn ball of yarn: start pulling at any end and you'll get to the same place. On the other hand, most normal people dislike digression because they have to lose themselves to follow you. The surest way to drive your dear ones crazy is to digress. In private, it's an offense. In public it's "art," "performance. ~ Andrei Codrescu

It is given to few persons to keep this secret well. Those who lay down rules too often break them, and the safest we are able to give is to listen much, to speak little, and to say nothing that that will ever give ground or regret. ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld

In the comfort of his embrace I lifted my mouth to his and initiated a kiss. Although calling it a kiss was like calling tyrannosaurus rex a small pet. ~ Blakely Bennett

It was Will, filling the doorway with his lanky, broad-shouldred frame. His blue eyes where thunderous. "What are you doing here?" he demanded.
So much for the brief peace they had achieved the night before. "I am practicing," Cecily said. "You told me I would get no better without practice."
"Not you. Gabriel Lightworm over here." Will jerked his chin toward the other boy. "Sorry. Lightwood. ~ Cassandra Clare

Your mother may not speak to you if you do not marry him, but I will not speak to you if you do. ~ Jane Austen

It was the first time many of the women had spent time in a bonafide workplace apart from a classroom, and they discovered what workplaces are and have been since the dawn of time: places where one is annoyed and thwarted and underpaid and interrupted and under appreciated. ~ Liza Mundy

Live like a man, fuck like an animal and die like a plant. ~ Claire Amber

What do you suppose it means?' he asked. ' "Do what you wish." That must mean I can do anything I feel like. Don't you think so?
All at once Grograman's face looked alarmingly grave, and his eyes glowed.
'No,' he said in his deep rumbling voice. 'It means that you must do what you really and truly want. And nothing is more difficult.' ... 'It's your own deepest secret and you don't know it.'
'How can I find out?'
'By going the way of your wishes, fro one to another, from first to last. It will take you to what you really and truly want.'
'That doesn't sound so hard,' said Bastian.
'It is the most dangerous of all journeys.'
'Why? Bastian asked. 'I'm not afraid.'
'That isn't it,' Grograman rumbled. 'It requires the greatest honesty and vigilance, because there's no other journey on which it's so easy to lose yourself forever.'
'Do you mean because our wishes aren't always good?' Bastian asked.
The lion lashed the sand he was lying on with his tail. His ears lay flat, he screwed up his nose, and his eyes flashed fire. Involuntarily Bastian ducked when Grograman's voice once again made the earth tremble: 'What do you know about wishes? How would you know what's good and what isn't?' In the days that followed Bastian thought a good deal about what the Many-Colored Death had said. There are some things, however, that we cannot fathom by thinking about them, but only by experience. ~ Michael Ende

I have not a doubt of your doing very well together. Your tempers are by no means unlike. You are each of you so complying, that nothing will ever be resolved on; so easy, that every servant will cheat you; and so generous, that you will always exceed your income. ~ Jane Austen

It's not a big secret that what's lacking and what's wrong in our society starts with education. ~ Oren Moverman

The goodie drawer of all goodie drawers. This dildo not only throbs, vibrates, expands, and comes equipped with hands-free feature, it sings a choice of five popular tunes."
He crouched beside her. "You couldn't have tried it out that quickly."
"Pervert. I turned it on to see. He's got some illegals sprinkled through here, too. ~ J.D. Robb

Don't expect the unexpected. Let the unexpected expect you. ~ Kiara S. Maharaj

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn't have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name. ~ Rucy Ban

Two things cannot be in one place. Where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow. ~ Frances Hodgson Burnett

Find the humor in the madness to find the happiness in the sadness. ~ Me

Be happy NOW. Feel good NOW. That's the only thing you have to do. And if that's the only thing you get from reading this book, then you have received the greatest truth of The Secret. ~ Rhonda Byrne

Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped
- Ranger ~ Janet Evanovich

Secret Teachings on Preparing Shinobi Missions: The most important thing you should keep in mind when you go on a shinobi mission is to imitate well the language of the target province and the ways of the local people. This includes their appearances, the way of wearing clothes, the way of shaving the head, the way of making up their hair, the way of making up a sword or short sword, and the way of refinement and luxury. ~ Yoshie Minami

So you two are together?"
"Nope, just friends...with incredible benefits. Supergreat ones. Mind-blowing ones. ~ Toni Aleo

I want to teach [people] the secret of great visual presentation. Your stomach sees the food first, and I want to help them match food flavor profiles with the aesthetics of everything. ~ Wolfgang Puck

PDR: Persons of Dubious Reality; refugees from the collective consciousness. Uninvited visitors who have fallen through the grating that divides the real, from the written. They arrive with their actions hardwired due to their repetitious existence and the older and more basic they are, the more rigidly they stick to them. Characters from cautionary tales are particularly mindless; they do what they do because it's what they've always done.
And it's our job to stop them. ~ Jasper Fforde

You're arguing in a circle," I said. "In a spiral," said Lamiel, "which is the best way to argue. ~ Harry Blamires

Im as good as dead, but they haven't buried me yet. ~ Walter Moers

This day had officially punched every hole in her crazy ticket. ~ Kimberly Kincaid

Slick, come up to the crow's nest for some fresh air? Can't blame you. Those beans served at lunch may be Hitler's latest secret weapon. Imagine, asphyxiating nearly three-hundred men by their own farts, and not a single shot fired. ~ Dane Hatchell

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday. ~ Karen Salmansohn

I'm about to fuck up, he thought clearly, and his next thought was, but I don't have to. This was followed closely by a third thought, the last of this familiar sequence, which was, but I'm going to anyway. ~ Richard Russo

In fiction, as in real life, love might inspire acts that are at best foolish and at worst life-threatening, but in the best romances, love is the final, secret ingredient that turns mere mortals into heroes and heroines. ~ Sarah MacLean

Burn, baby, burn," she muttered in a hard, satisfied voice.
I cleared my throat. "As much as I hate to interrupt the supreme satisfaction you're taking in watching the mansion blaze to the ground, I'd really
like to get out of here before the whole house collapses on top of us. ~ Jennifer Estep

Regarding the air raid over Los Angeles it was learned by Army G2 that Rear Admiral Anderson ... recovered an unidentified airplane off the coast of California ... with no bearing on conventional explanation. This Headquarters has come to the determination that the mystery airplanes are in fact not earthly and, according to secret intelligence sources, they are in all probability of interplanetary origin. ~ George C. Marshall

He could do this. He'd survived boot camp. He'd survived combat and the harsh weather of Afghanistan. He could survive broccoli. Probably. ~ Shannon Stacey

There are prayers that help us last through the day, or endure the night. There are prayers of friends and strangers, that give us strength for the journey. And there are prayers that yield our will to a will greater than our own ... ~ George W. Bush

In Ankh-Morpork even the shit have a street to itself," said Detritus, awe and wonder in his voice. "Truly, this a land of opportunity. ~ Terry Pratchett

Just making the cement now, only takes five minutes."
"I did it in four once," Pauly whispered boastfully to Johnny, "but if I'm honest, I was never completely happy that it set properly."
"Who was it for?"
"Big Joe the Hammer."
"Oh, yeah," Johnny nodded. "Didn't I hear he was spotted in Vegas a few weeks back?"
Pauly nodded morosely.
"Yeah, like I said, I didn't think it had set properly. ~ Clare Havens

I'm an atheist and I thank God for it. ~ George Bernard Shaw

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. ~ Orson Welles

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets. ~ Marc Maron

Laugh and your life will be lengthened for this is the great secret of long life. ~ Og Mandino