Paranormal Humor Quotes

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? THE MAN'S A VAMPIRE!
Yeah, but he's a really, REALLY sexy one. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

We need a full coven...nine women...twelve's better. Do you have any friends?"

Characters, Aunt Jett and Aunt Frances to character, Sally Owens, from the movie "Practical Magic". ~ Robin Swicord

The reason you can take the leap of faith with Stephen King, when it comes to the paranormal, or the things that happen in the world that he creates, is because the characters that he writes are accessible. ~ Emily Rose

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. ~ Woody Allen

I'm sick and tired of everyone making fun of the size of Trump's hands. We should all be bigger than that.
So should Donald Trump's hands ~ Ed Krassenstein

Silk laughed. "You really should try not to let your knife do all your thinking for you. That's the one quality we find least attractive in our Cherek cousins."
"And we find this compulsion to make clever remarks which seems to overwhelm our Drasnian brothers now and then almost equally unattractive," Barak told him coolly. ~ David Eddings

You're only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds ~ Josh Stern

So ... I suggest you try and get control over your more unusual nature, see if you can't coax those claws away, and I'll try very, very hard not to throw up over what's left of your shoes. How does that sound? ~ Kate Griffin

The slam of a car door drew her attention to a new arrival. Maxville Deputy Sheriff Zach Manus emerged from his unmarked 2011 Camaro and stalked toward them. Deep sorrow and anger laced across his handsome features. His light-brown hair stood a little more on end than normal. He stopped in front of them, his frown deepening and his golden-brown eyes darkening. ~ Lia Davis

(on learning Westlife had beaten Oasis, U2 and The Beatles in an album chart battle in November 2006): There is no God. ~ Noel Gallagher

Ok, let me just write that down for you since you seem to think I'm you personal assistant," Sally responded, her tone clipped.
"You ever noticed how assistant starts with ass? Do you think that's a coincidence?" Jen shrugged her shoulders as she raised her eyebrows at Sally. ~ Quinn Loftis

Humor and seriousness can be an unstable mix. ~ Richard Brookhiser

A good joke doesn't necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one's own deserving jokes. ~ Pawan Mishra

Money may not buy happiness, but it allows you to shop in better places for it. ~ Christopher Pike

His wax-white skin was cool to the touch when she brushed his neck to find the knot of cloth. She'd never been this close to a vampire,never realized what it would be like to be so near to someone who didn't breathe, who could be as still as any statue. His chest neither rose not fell. Her hands shook. ~ Holly Black

Lion dies with hungry but never eats grass ~ Sai Ram

I am so glad Todd and I eloped," she said sincerely. "There was no way to salvage the wreckage. But I think that you deserved this, and I'm very happy for you." She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. Then she whispered, "He is really, really a hottie. How did you mange that?"
"Brat," I told her, and gave her a hug. "Todd's not exactly chopped liver."
She smiled smugly and took another sip. "No he's not."
"He could be," said Ben from behind me, his British accent giving him a civilized air that he didn't deserve. "Do you want him to be chopped liver, darling?"
I turned, making sure I was between Ben and Nan, "My sisters are off-limits," I reminded him.
A flash of hurt came and went on his face. With Ben, it was even odds whether the emotion was genuine or not -but my instincts told me they had been. So I continued in a mock-chiding tone, "Ruthie is too young for you, and Nan is married to a very nice man. So be good."
Nan had caught the flash of hurt, too, I thought. She was softer than our mother, more like her father in temperament as well as looks. She couldn't stand to have anyone hurting and not do anything about it.
She sighed dramatically. "All the pretty men, and I'm tied to just one."
Ben smiled at her. "Anytime you want to change that…"
I poked him in the side-he could have slipped out of the way, but he didn't bother.
"Okay," he said, backing away with exaggerated fear. "Ill be good, I promise. Just don't hurt me ~ Patricia Briggs

We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over their dignity; that focuses their vision true
humor. ~ Mark Twain

I don't feel that I'm strictly Danish; I don't feel that my sense of humor is strictly Danish or my human sensibility is strictly Danish. ~ Susanne Bier

I was 17 years old when I was killed by a vampire-Ruby Kennedy from My Handsome Vampire. ~ Vianka Van Bokkem

I thumped her on the back, picked her up and dropped her on top of her dungarees. "Put them pants on," I said, "and be a man." She did, but she cried quietly until I shook her and said gently, "Stop it now. I didn't carry on like that when I was a little girl." I got into my clothes and dumped her into the bow of the canoe and shoved off.
All the way back to the cabin I forced her to play one of our pet games. I would say something - anything - and she would try to say something that rhymed with it. Then it would be her turn. She had an extraordinary rhythmic sense, and an excellent ear.
I started off with "We'll go home and eat our dinners."
"An' Lord have mercy on us sinners," she cried. Then, "Let's see you find a rhyme for 'month'!"
"I bet I'll do it … jutht thith onthe," I replied. "I guess I did it then, by cracky."
"Course you did, but then you're wacky. Top that, mister funny-lookin'!"
I pretended I couldn't, mainly because I couldn't, and she soundly kicked my shin as a penance. By the time we reached the cabin she was her usual self, and I found myself envying the resilience of youth. And she earned my undying respect by saying nothing to Anjy about the afternoon's events, even when Anjy looked us over and said, "Just look at you two filthy kids! What have you been doing - swimming in the bayou?"
"Daddy splashed me," said Patty promptly.
"And you had to splash him back. Why did he splash you?"
" 'Cause I spit mud through ~ Theodore Sturgeon

Eyeing me playfully, he tossed a rock back and forth between his hands. Was that an accident, or do you have a wet t-shirt competition you need me to get you ready for? ~ Devon Ashley

Isabel sends her brother a look that could boil him in oil if she had that particular paranormal talent. A thought hits me: maybe she has. It will be fun to find out. ~ Marianne Curley

I'm letting myself fall for you. All the way. I want that. You're definitely the kind of man I want. ~ Christine Feehan

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child. ~ Anthony Horowitz

After all, it wouldn't be the first time that I'd let a beautiful woman rip the molecules of my body apart, shoot them through a light beam, and throw them back together somewhere else for credits. But that's another story... ~ John Zakour

Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much? ~ Jeaniene Frost

Is this bitch crazy? I don't want to 'accidentally' drown ~ J.L. McCoy

Great we're bloody inspired ~ James Dashner

The man was absolutely beautiful. Vampire. Warrior. Whatever Shan Quesada was all man. ~ Sara Humphreys

He couldn't have the last word, not at this first meeting. "It would hurt my heart to know I didn't live up to your expectations."
Reign glanced over his shoulder, his gaze locking with hers. "No," he murmured, the sound only a decibel louder than the still swirling winds. "I think I need not worry about that. ~ Danielle Monsch

I was as cool as a cucumber ~ Jenny Han

I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter. ~ Chelsea Handler

A king may rule the kingdom but the queen still moves the board. ~ Donna Marie Timney

You got style, you got class, you got the lips to kiss my ass. ~ Stephen King

Kat and I talked about Jacob in our own private code.
"Are you baking cookies yet?" she said. That was standard for : have you fucked?
"Oh yeah. We've made a couple dozen by now."
"What kind?" In other words, was Jacob any good.
"Chocolate-chip," I said. "And he not only likes to bake them, he likes to eat them, too."
"Congratulations. ~ Tiffanie DeBartolo

Get the Girl," he demanded. "She knows too much!"
Dammit. Why did people keep presuming that, and if it was true, why the hell couldn't my GPA reflect the fact? ~ Shannon Delany

If anyone ever saw me dance, they'd have trouble taking me seriously. ~ Christina Ricci

When my mother passed away several years ago - well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn't 'pass away.' She died. Something about that verb, 'to pass away' always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died. ~ Steve Allen

I'm here to talk about the men in your life. To talk about the men in my life. I like the dress, by the way. Very boho chic or whatever. I was on my way home, and I wanted to find out if you had a good time at the toga party and also make sure that our plans for Zimbabwe were still on. I see you tried to claw your own eye out; it's edgy. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive. ~ Frankie Boyle

a woman would have to be a blind lesbian nun to not be affected by him. ~ Carol Maloney Scott

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory. ~ Augusten Burroughs

I tried to will them with my super mental powers so he'd put them around my waist, but apparently I had no super mental powers. ~ J.A. Redmerski

We're going to have ourselves one hell of a Ruckus, said Smokey with a grin that went quite beyond the boundaries of mischief and right into the realm of delinquency. ~ Joshua Donellan

Volvos are fundamentally invisible. ~ John Sandford