Irish Humor Quotes

On St. Patrick's Day, the traditional Irish family would rise early and find a solitary sprig of shamrock to put on their somber Sunday best. Then they'd spend the morning in church listening to sermons about how thankful they should be that St. Patrick saved such a bunch of ungrateful sinners. Nobody wore green clothing as it was considered an unlucky color not suitable for church. ~ Rashers Tierney

Michael: Barzini will set me up through somebody close ... that, supposedly, I won't suspect.
Hagen: Somebody like me.
Michael: You're Irish, they won't trust you.
Hagen: I'm German-American.
Michael: To them that's Irish. ~ Mario Puzo

If you own a bar on your own, you're a player; if you own it with your beloved twin sister, you're–"

"Irish. ~ Gillian Flynn

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Besides - only people from Arelon are taken by the Shaod. It an take Teoish people, but only if they're living in Arelon at the time. Oh, and it takes the occasional Dula as well."
"I hadn't noticed. ~ Brandon Sanderson

The world requires me to re-write its wretched dialogue! ~ Richard Greenberg

Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship. ~ Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

There was Isola in a mad hat and a purple shawl pinned with a glittering brooch. She was smiling fixedly in the wrong direction and I loved her instantly. ~ Mary Ann Shaffer

You're more romantic than a Taylor Swift song ~ Flynn Meaney

That friend of hers has got to go, though. You're lucky you got stuck with that Dexter guy instead of her.'

'Yeah, but that Dexter couldn't shut his piehole either,' Marlon says. 'I mean, Christ. Artists and writers - let them kill each other off in cage matches; let God sort 'em out. ~ Dexter Palmer

And i was buck-naked. Which probably would have made for an interesting night, but the last time i'd checked i was neither a porn star or a prostitute. ~ Kristin Walker

So she viewed time spent in the land of the normal as an investigation into the world of marriage-worthy men, even if she was unsure about her own interest in marriage. There must be one solid citizen who also had a spark of life, a sense of humor and adventure. ~ Steve Martin

Megan, you just single handedly set the women's movement back twenty years ~ Anie Michaels

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot. ~ Ian Strang

But there was one girl who had a big influence over me. Barbie. I worshipped Barbie. In fact, I would say Barbie was my twelve-inch plastic life coach. She had it all, a camper, a dune buggy, even a dream house. Part of why it was a dream house to me was that she was the only one who lived there. Her boyfriend, Ken, came to visit when she--er, I decided. She had a sports car and would bounce from job to job as she--er, I saw fit.Barbie owned zero floral baby-making dresses. I craved that indepence. And her weird-ass boobs? So what? She still reached the steering wheel of her royal blue sports car. Some people thought that the fact that her feet were fucked and she couldn't stand was a problem. But to me, it meant she was free. Free from standing at a stove, or a washing machine, or with a baby hanging off her hip. She has no hip. She has no hips. Plus, she didn't have to walk; she drove her convertible everywhere. God, I loved Barbie. She was free in every way I knew how to define freedom. ~ Lizz Winstead

You can't possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk." Meg's smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up. ~ Cari Hunter

Irish gardens beat all for horror. With 19 gardeners, Lord Talbot of Malahide has produced an affair exactly like a suburban golf course. ~ Nancy Mitford

People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more humble in moments of success and less defeated in times of travail. ~ Bob Newhart

You looked ridiculous walking around the city carrying an empty wineglass. I don't care to be associated with a drunk. Particularly one who damages glassware. ~ Danielle L. Jensen

Like some huge, mutant chicken–I sat there hatching a gas-egg the size of a planet. ~ Ferguson Fartworthy

Vaughn folded his arms. 'The reason why you've lasted longer than most of your erstwhile colleagues is because you don't do drama. I don't like drama. I get enough drama at home. My wife could teach the RSC a few things about drama.'

For someone who claimed that he didn't do drama, Vaughn was one of the biggest drama queens she knew. ~ Sarra Manning

My father is Chinese, Spanish, and Filipino; my mother is half-Irish and half-Japanese; Greek last name; born in Hawaii, raised in Germany. ~ Mark Dacascos

I come from a long line of miserable people. ~ Arlene Schindler

He tossed the deck to David. 'You get first deal.'
'I've got one hand.'
'Right, then. Deal those cards, Max, and let's have ourselves a game. ~ Henry H. Neff

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this particular moment and delivered another unfortunate message.
"Hello, you cakesniffers," she said, "although judging from the baby brat you're more like saladsniffers. I have another message for you from Coach Genghis. I get to be his Special Messenger because I'm the cutest, prettiest, nicest little girl in the whole school."
"If you were really the nicest person in the whole school," Isadora said, "you wouldn't make fun of a sleeping infant. But never mind, what is the message?"
"It's actually the same as last time," Carmelita said, "but I'll repeat it in case you're too stupid to remember. The three Baudelaire orphans are to report to the front lawn tonight, immediately after dinner."
"What?" Klaus asked.
"Are you deaf as well as cakesniffy?"
Carmelita asked. ~ Lemony Snicket

They say that writers face the blank page. That's not true. It's more like 200 hundred blank pages! ~ R.S. Mellette

My motto? Don't trust someone who is just as cagey as yourself."
"What kind of detective are you?" "A lousy one and proud of it. I write, remember?"
She looked down at her hand & laughed. "Berretta doesn't make lighters." "Why I was a writer! My life revolved around fiction. I could make something up"
"She looked down at her hand & laughed. "Berretta doesn't make lighters."
"So they're not Tolstoy, they're a little shorter ... Okay, okay a lot. Go ahead, read my mystery series anyway."
"A detective has their boundaries especially me. So mine shifted occasionally ... okay a lot"
"Beat it, Buster. My temper and this mace have a hair trigger."
"Interference could be lethal." I got right up in his face, hissing, "Don't push me, I'm hormonal."
I'm not really a lousy detective, just rough around the edges. ~ Peggy A. Edelheit

Pandemonium did not reign; it poured. ~ John Kendrick Bangs

The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them. ~ George W. Bush

I kept wondering if this was going to be my first experience of love or if this was going to be my first experience of being sweet talked into parting with my virginity. ~ Vera Jane Cook

The English play hockey in any weather. Thunder, lightening, plague of locusts ... nothing can stop the hockey. Do not fight the hockey, for the hockey will win. ~ Maureen Johnson

I am a man of peace [so he told Mother, but it always appeared to me that he was the most belligerent man of peace I had ever encountered] ~ Howard Fast

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they're called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – "
"Plumbers?"
" – exactly, yes, but of course they're flummoxed. ~ J.K. Rowling

And the lives of these old black women were synthesized in their eyes- a puree of tragedy and humor, wickedness and serenity, truth and fantasy. ~ Toni Morrison

I am a leg of the death tripod that will destroy our foes. ~ Frank Herbert

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory. ~ Augusten Burroughs

We watched some of the movie. It was shocking. Sex is apparently hard labor. Various persons supported crushing weights in agonizing positions for what seemed like endless blocks of time. Exhausted men grunted and toiled like movers trying to get a refrigerator into a fifth floor walk-up. ~ Russell Baker

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids. ~ Mitch Hedberg

So, Ariadne was the babe with the ball of twine and the plan. ~ Claire Cross

My feet always danced to Irish traditional music, but I was very glad to get out of the North of Ireland in the mid-Seventies when it was really closed and tight and relentlessly unforgiving. ~ Ciaran Hinds

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Well. I think it's safe to say that, in my absence, the power grabbing and backstabbing and political intrigue has officially reached an all-time Otherworld high.
~ Lesley Livingston

I planned to reintroduce him to my friends lorazepam and oxycodone in a big, big way. ~ Cassie Alexander

Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?"
"I give."
"You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog. ~ David Foster Wallace