Humor Ties Quotes

It was sad, like those businessmen who came to work in serious clothes but wore colorful ties in a mad, desperate attempt to show there was a free spirit in there somewhere. ~ Terry Pratchett

A good wife would have sorted him out and put him on the right road..." There comes that right road again. I wonder where it is? Imogen thought ~ Jean Stubbs

Truth is like poetry.
And most people fucking hate poetry. ~ Adam McKay

Interesting. Stonecipheco Baby Foods. Not a bad line of products, really. A bit soft and runny for my taste, of course ... "
"Well, it's infant food, really, Norman. ~ David Foster Wallace

Supposedly, guys think about sex every eight seconds. If that's true, how can they talk to their grandmothers? ~ Jody Gehrman

If you are ignorant of Lora Delane Porter's books that is your affair. Perhaps you are more to be pitied than censured. Nature probably gave you the wrong shape of forehead. Mrs. Porter herself would have put it down to some atavistic tendency or pre-natal influence. She put most things down to that. She blamed nearly all the defects of the modern world, from weak intellects to in-growing toe-nails, on long-dead ladies and gentlemen who, safe in the family vault, imagined that they had established their alibi. She subpoenaed grandfathers and even great-grandfathers to give evidence to show that the reason Twentieth-Century Willie squinted or had to spend his winters in Arizona was their own shocking health 'way back in the days beyond recall. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

There wasn't a colloquial phrase, or curse, that went something like, "May your day be full of angry dragons" or, "May every dragon you meet today be pissed off." But, there should have been. ~ Michelle Sagara West

Now this might disturb you, but I find I'm OK by myself;
and I don't need you or your benevolence to make sense. ~ Morrissey

Poor woman! She probably thought change of air might agree with many of her children. ~ Jane Austen

Get him inside somewhere and keep that man alive."
"Man?" Screwface laughs. "Hic est Lupus, motherfucker. ~ Pierce Brown

This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you. ~ Lemony Snicket

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" ~ Henny Youngman

Connie drove a silver Camry with rosary beads hanging from her rearview mirror and a Smith& Wesson stuck under the seat. No matter whatwent down, Connie was covered. ~ Janet Evanovich

Following the eruption [that took the life] of the 106, and for the first time in Solarist studies, there were petitions demanding thermo-nuclear attacks on the ocean. ~ Stanislaw Lem

The sun, like a boil on the bright blue ass of day, rolled gradually forward and spread its legs wide to reveal the pubic thatch of night, a hairy darkness in which stars crawled like lice, and the moon crabbed slowly upward like an albino dog tick striving for the anal gulch. ~ Joe R. Lansdale

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything. ~ Terry Pratchett

I looked up to find a slim blond figure standing in the doorway to the kitchen. For a frozen second, I looked at him and he looked at me, and then I screamed and threw my coffee, which hit him square in the groin. ~ Karen Chance

I'm a Skeptic. And I'm a Journalist. I look up things in the library - a lot! I believe in the motto of Missouri, the 'Show-me, don't just blow me' state. I need evidence. I need demonstrations. I need show-and-tell. Even though I pray to God every once in a while, especially when I'm in trouble - which for most guys my age is every 28 days - I still think deeply about the issues and don't automatically jump to a religious or mystical answer to questions. I am, by nature, doubtful about the existence of God, and even whether He is a He or a Her. I don't believe in New Age stuff. For me, 'Past Life Regression' means not calling a girl after she gives me her phone number. Sure I own a lucky rabbit's foot, a lucky penny, a lucky 4-leaf clover and a lucky horeshoe [sic], and a pair of lucky underwear and several pairs of lucky socks that I only wash every seven days. But under it all I am a died–in-the-wool skeptic. ~ Earl Lee

Thought for the day: Twitter ... 140 character limit ... must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers ... ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Somewhere in the cosmos, he said, along with all the planets inhabited by humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and superintelligent shades of the color blue, there was also a planet entirely given over to ballpoint life forms. And it was to this planet that unattended ballpoints would make their way, slipping away quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew they could enjoy a uniquely ballpointoid lifestyle, responding to highly ballpoint-oriented stimuli, and generally leading the ballpoint equivalent of the good life.
And as theories go this was all very fine and pleasant until Veet Voojagig suddenly claimed to have found this planet, and to have worked there for a while driving a limousine for a family of cheap green retractables, whereupon he was aken away, locked up, wrote a book and was finally sent into tax exile, which is the usual fate reserved for those who are determined to make fools of themselves in public. ~ Douglas Adams

I guess if I'd really thought things through, I would have been prepared for the screams. ~ Susan Ee

The decision to get married will impact one's life more deeply than almost any decision in life. Yet people continue to rush into marriage with little or no preparation for making a marriage successful. In fact, many couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for marriage. The wedding festivities last only a few hours, while the marriage, we hope, will last for a lifetime ~ Gary Chapman

I have a thing for evil bald bad guys. The Kurgan is too sexy. ~ Ernest Cline

Just my luck. The first colleague I'd befriended at the agency and it was an alcoholic supercomputer. ~ Seth Fried

I don't know what I expected – no
maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface-
but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino
at the beginning of The Godfather
reasonably bemused, untouched by his
criminal world, sitting with Diane Keaton
whispering about Luca Brazzi, not yet asleep
with the fishes, or like Al Pacino
from Glengarry Glen Ross, although actually,
now that I think about it, he's not
like Al Pacino at all but more like
Kevin Spacey from that film, and who's
ever been afraid of Kevin Spacey? ~ Jess Walter

What year did Jesus think it was? ~ George Carlin

We who are liberal and progressive know that the poor are our equals in every sense except that of being equal to us. ~ Lionel Trilling

Try 'Thank-you'," Ted said, giving me a hug (with the requirement of pounding me fraternally on the back - the only way that males are allowed to hug one another unless at least one of them has a fatal disease). ~ Blake Petit

Since when did you bring a gun?" Navidson asks, crouching near the door.
"Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ~ Mark Z. Danielewski

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process? ~ Melissa Landers