J.L. Merrow Quotes

I've been an idiot."
"That's okay," I said. "You're still way cleverer than me".

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He said, "Al, that's the stupidest question you've ever asked in your life," but I don't reckon it was. I bet I ask way stupider questions that that every day.

Or have you simply been enjoying that North African river cruise?"
"You what?"
"In de-Nile?

I frowned. "Are you sure about this? It's a bit short." "So? It's poetry, not dick size.

- activity holidays are a whatsit. Contradiction in terms."
"Oxymoron."
I flipped him a finger. "Same to you with knobs on.

Bloody hell, it was just like the Tardis in here. It all sort of opened out, wider than a drugged-up hippie's mind.

All right, here's a limerick: A young martial artist called Dave Was fearless and handsome and brave He saved me from thugs When I nearly got mugged So now I'm forever Dave's slave." There was a short silence. I cringed. "Um, sorry. Came out a bit gay, that one." Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Or, if the Sun wrote it, Poofter Plumber goes Postal in Potter's Bar.

Oh my God, you're right! Our third date. We should totally have sex now! It wasn't my fault the waiter was walking past just as I said it and dropped the plate he was carrying. David stopped trying and laughed out loud.

I was worried I'd scared you off," I said as I slid into the passenger seat. "Being too gay and all." "No - I, er ... " He hesitated, and I looked at him sharply. Well, slightly less bluntly, anyway. My head still hurt. "I don't have a problem with you being gay, Jude. I'm ... well, I'm into blokes myself." "You are?" I may have squeaked a bit. "But you're so ... " Butch, I should have said. And manly, and muscular, and gorgeous, and I bet you're hairy too in all the right places. What came out was, "Straight.

You should put it on your business cards - Tom Paretski, the pocket-sized plumber. No job too small."
"Again with the height jokes. What do you have on yours? Phil Morrison, the muscle-bound moron?"
"Now, come on - that's poor effort. How about Private Dick - the biggest in the business?"

He didn't look anything like the blokes on that gay porn channel Rory had clicked on by mistake when he'd been trying to find out how to make a daisy chain for Leo.

I'll learn all the katas and be the ninjing-est ninja that ever ninjed." Bubbles whined, so I bent down to rub his silky little head. "Is it the c-word, Bubbs? Don't you worry, we love the doggas as well as the katas." David laughed.

Mum always says it's really important to get three meals a day, even though she's always on a diet.

Hey, this was rugby, not that daft game with the round ball.

I don't need Simon Bloody Cowell making me look like a right tit on the telly.

Gary made the word heterosexual sound like something out of The Joy of Extreme Sex. Lovechildren produced by illicit affairs were still a bit of a sore topic with me.

I was worried about littering, but Larry said it was okay 'cause corks come from trees and are natural and stuff. Only he used longer words than that.(Al)

Alan:I don't know what
they did with all the crusts from the sandwiches. Maybe they put
them out for the birds after everyone had gone home. I hoped so.
It'd be a shame to waste them.

Lead me!" I told him fervently. "Astray is, like, my favourite place ever.

He gave me a kiss and said good night." "He didn't! The bastard." "Yeah," I muttered to the tabletop. "He said he'd had a nice time." "I'll sodding kill him. What went wrong, Judi-babe?

Let's just say it was obvious from a very early age the only female heart I'd ever break would be my mother's.

Alan:I asked him what cat we should get,
and he said it was my choice, so I got this little black one called
Minnie. I think the cat place must not have known Minnie's a
mouse's name. I thought maybe we should change it, but then I
thought, if Minnie doesn't know, either, then it's probably okay.

Al? Is that all it is for you? You just like the way we...fuck?" I was going to say, he said "fuck" like it's dirty word, but I guess it is, isn't it? But he said it like that anyhow.

It was funny - I'd sort of expected this place to be all dark and furtive, full of blokes darting nervous glances over their shoulders in case anyone they knew wandered in by mistake and saw them. Instead, it was all bright, gleaming white, the merchandise proudly displayed like a prozzie in an Amsterdam window. Only a lot less likely to give you the clap.

Having a good memory for numbers isn't actually a failing, you know." "It is when it's weird. Are you sure you're gay? I'm beginning to think you're mathmosexual.

Please go" he said. "Just take my money - take anything - and go"
I didn't get why he wanted me to take something, but he seemed really worried about it. So I looked around, and he had a bowl of fruit on the side, so I grabbed an apple, 'cause I always get hungry after I've been drinking.
"I'll take this, okay?" Then I left him there, but I took the knives and I hid them in the hall cupboard, just in case.

Has your mother explained what a, ah, pee-dohis?" I asked cautiously.
She nodded confidently. "They offer you sweeties in the park and ask you if you want
to see their kittens, but they haven't really got any. You have to shout NO!really loud, and if
they don't go away, you have to kick them in the balls and run back home.

One night when I got in from work a bit late, 'cause it was really nice weather and everyone wants to take the punts out when it's sunny, I found Larry just sitting on the sofa staring at a blank TV screen. At first I thought maybe he'd forgotten to turn it on, but then I thought, no, Larry's not stupid. He'd have noticed.

No, that's just Saturdays. The whisper came from an orange-belted ninja. Did that make him a ginja?

We did sixty-nine that night. Larry went on top so he didn't get squished. He's really good at sucking dick. I wondered if he'd got exams in that too.

I was going to buy Larry something, but he said I should spend it on something I always wanted. So I bought a cat.

Al, you're the most wonderful man I've ever been terrified by down a dark alleyway. Will you marry me?

God. How would I cope if I went to jail? I'd never even been to boarding school.

I don't know why I went with him. Maybe it was because he'd said he'd missed me, and I was sick and tired of not being wanted.

It's sad to fall asleep. It separates people. Even when you're sleeping together, you're all alone.

Sometimes you got to make a stand on something, even when the thing itself isn't that important. It's like the difference between painting and photos-it's what you don't see in the photo that matters.

I never know what people want to hear when they say that stuff. And it's not like anything about me is interesting or nothing. "Have you always lived in Cambridge?" I nodded. "Do you live alone?" I nodded again. So then he gave up on twenty questions and started telling me about himself.

He was gasping and moaning and saying stuff like, "Oh God, oh God, oh God!" so I figured he was enjoying it.

'You must've been waiting for someone like me to come along,' I said. I meant, because of the big bed. But Larry looked at me all funny and said, 'Yes, I think I was.'

Roll over," he said, his voice all rough. "Jude, I want to be inside you. Is that okay?"
I sort of whimpered. Then nodded vigorously, in case he couldn't speak whimper.

Keisha, my love," I said in my fey-est, gayest drawl, "your bum doesn't just look big, it is big. No, I take that back. It's enormous. Planets feel inferior beside it . Lesser bums are drawn into orbit around it. Last time it went dark, everyone said, Oh, is it an eclipse? And I told them, 'No, it's Keisha's bum blotting out the sun.' I could compose odes to the size of your bum."

Jude answering Keisha's question "Does my bum look big in this?"

Merrow, JL (2013-04-09). Slam! (Kindle Locations 35-38).

But we had to stop 'cause Larry can't throw for shit, and people in other punts were complaining about being hit by strawberries. Even though they was Marks and Spencer's strawberries.

I gave the wretched beast a look that said plainly I'll deal with you later.
He flicked his tail at me, cat-speak for Do I look like I'm bothered?

I just asked you, Alan, what was your opinion about the trend towards modernisation in the performance of the classics?" Larry's dad said, with his lip curled up all funny.[ ... ]
"I think it's okay. I don't think you should diss actors just 'cause they can't afford proper costumes."
Then Larry laughed, but his family all looked at me like I had sauce all over my face or something. So I wiped my mouth, but it was clean anyhow. But I made sure I was extra careful eating after that, just in case.

When a bloke takes you out for a meal You'd think sex would be part of the deal Not a pat on the head And a cold lonely bed When he leaves without copping a feel

I kept watching Toby to see how he'd manage with those little wineglasses and his big nose, but I never managed to catch him drinking.

Knut, this is Jude. Remember I told you about him? He writes poetry." Knut looked my half-Japanese self up and down. "Haiku?" he guessed. "Gesundheit," I muttered sourly.

I like everything about you, Larry. I like the way you look and how you're so clever, and I like it when we laugh together and watch TV together. I like going to art galleries with you and hearing you get all bitchy about some of the artists. I like watching you when you're doing marking, 'cause you get these funny looks on your face. I like watching you sleep and hearing that snuffly noise you make. I like waking up with you at weekends and spending the day together, just doing stuff like walking round town and shopping and cooking and stuff." I kind of ran out of breath after that.
For a moment, I thought he was going to cry."Is there anything you don't like about me?

So come on, tell me all the dirt about your date. Did he tie you up with his black belt? Show off his mystic knowledge of Eastern sex practices? What?" I let my head slump into my hands. "He gave me a kiss and said good night." "He didn't! The bastard.

It's the fish I feel sorry for, in all this global warming. They don't even have a carbon footprint.

She trusted him? She'd barely met him. Women. Thank God I've never wanted to date one.

Knowing Gary, he probably caught
sight of one of those thick, furry sausage things they have on the end of the ropes one day
and just couldn't resist giving it a tug.

Seeing as when it came to the milk of human kindness
they were all pretty much lactose intolerant.

I didn't think they liked me at first, but then Larry's mum said she could see I'd concentrated on my physical education, which I thought was nice of her, though Larry didn't smile or nothing.

Look, I really appreciate you bringing me here, but I think there's something you ought to know about me." David smiled. "If it's that you're gay - " Oh, puh-leeze. "No - God, no. I mean, yes, obviously, I'm fruitier than a greengrocers' convention, but no, that wasn't what I was about to say.

Feeling inspired, I grabbed one of Jay's cookbooks from the kitchen shelf and flicked through until I found a recipe for something I recognised. Lasagna. That was just pasta, and pasta was easy, right? Trying not to be put off by the list of ingredients longer than my small intestine, I scanned the instructions. Chop onions ... I could do that. Brown mince ... trickier but manageable. Probably. Make a roux in the usual way ... I sighed, shut the book with a snap and went off to make dinner in my usual way: pierce film; bung in microwave; wait for bell.

I grabbed the case and gave it a cuddle. "My darling! Thank you. Come on in and have a coffee. Or a tea. Or my first-born child. You choose." "Well ... ""No, you must. You saved Vanessa's life." "Vanessa?""My violin. Come on, come in. I'll get out the proper stuff that actually comes from real beans." She took a hesitant step forward. "Are you sure you need any more caffeine?" I frowned. "Why do people always ask that?
Merrow, JL. Slam! (Kindle Locations 570-576).

Larry said that Michelangelo was a poof, so I wondered why he'd sculpted a guy with a really tiny cock. But I know when you go to old houses, the doorways are much smaller, 'cause people were shorter then, so maybe cocks were smaller too. It makes me glad I wasn't born a few centuries ago.

Cathedral Close, when I got to St Leonard's, was emptier than a Sally Army collection box at a Pride festival,

Alan:I used rabbit-skin glue to size the panels. I got it from the art
shop. I don't know if they use real rabbits in it. It seems kind of a
shame if they do, but then it's not like there's a rabbit shortage, is
it? And maybe they only used rabbits that would've died anyhow.

You're a darling, Keisha. If you weren't a girl, I'd marry you." "If I wasn't a girl, I'd run a bloody mile next time I saw you coming." "But, sweetie, you've never actually seen me coming. Unless you've got a spy camera rigged up in my bedroom, of course.