Humor Mom To Izzy Quotes

Damn it,Izzy, I told you, keeping a low profile is an essential part of every job."
"I was trying!"
"And breaking someone's arm by second period? That was your attempt at trying? ~ Rachel Hawkins

From the moment I was first pregnant, and those around me insisted that treats such as cold cuts and nail polish could cut my unborn child's potential IQ in half, I got into the habit of NOT seeking out the little things that brought me joy. Like soft cheese. And getting too close to a Starbucks.
Then my son came, and I was too busy crying while searching for his User Manual to consider a manicure or massage.
I lasted about a week as a new mom before reaching out to others in my situation online. As exhausted, cranky, and confused as I was, I needed friends.
It didn't take long for this gaggle of desperate, sleepless women to meet up in person ... ~ Kim Bongiorno

My mom wasn't home to arbitrate, so he forced me to try to strangle him with a phone cord. ~ Felicia Day

Kids are supposed to relax on vacations, and enjoy themselves, not sitting in the back seat of a car making peace with death and gripping a rosary because Mom is playing chicken with oncoming cars in the mountains. ~ Joshua David Swift

Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence. "Boys are like candy," she suddenly says. I grin. "Really, Mom? That's your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens? ~ Rucy Ban

I guess its time you officially met the lost boys," I said to Daniel.
"Lost boys? You mean like that old Kiefer Sutherland movie?
"What? No, I mean like Peter Pan and the lost boys."
"Is she calling us fairies?" Asked Slade.
"No," Brent said. "She means the lost boys that never wanted to grow up, and got into mischief with Peter Pan."
"Still sounds like fairies to me." Slade crossed his tattooed arms in front of his chest.
"Still sounds like that Kiefer Sutherland movie to me." Daniel smirked.
"We were in the play together, like, seven years ago. You were mad because my mom made you wear tights, but you wanted to be a pirate."
Daniel held his hand up. "Partial amnesia here, remember? I must have blocked out any and all recollections associations with said tights."
Brent, Zach, and Ryan laughed. Slade almost cracked a smile.


~ Grace, Daniel, and The Lost Boys ~ Bree Despain

He texts back: I love you.
I'm starting to text back, I love you, too, when my phone rings. It's Peter's house number, and I answer it eagerly.
"I love you, too," I say.
There is surprised silence on the other end, then a little laugh to cover it up. "Hi, Lara Jean. This is Peter's mom. ~ Jenny Han

Must be weird for you, having your mom here."
"Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad."
"Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room."
"Cal," I said with mock astonishment, "did you just make a joke?"
"Maybe. ~ Rachel Hawkins

Mom has a massive sunflower for a soul so big there's hardly any room in her for organs. Jude and me have one soul between us that we have to share: a tree with its leaves on fire. And Dad has a plate of maggots for his. ~ Jandy Nelson

Watching him lumber back toward the apartment building, I got so mad I did something I can't explain. As Gabe reached the doorway, I made the hand gesture I'd seen Grover make on the bus, a sort of warding-off-evil gesture, a clawed hand over my heart, then a shoving movement toward Gabe. The screen door slammed shut so hard it whacked him in the butt and sent him flying up the stair case as if he'd been shot from a cannon.
Maybe it was just the wind, or some freak accident with the hinges, but I didn't stay long enough to find out.
I got in the Camaro and told my mom to step on it. ~ Rick Riordan

The baby went without a name for weeks. Mom said she wanted to study it first, the way she would the subject of a painting. We had a lot of arguments over what the name should be. I wanted to call her Rosita, after the prettiest girl in my class, but Mom said the name was too Mexican.
"I thought we weren't supposed to be prejudiced," I said.
"It's not being prejudiced," Mom said. "It's a matter of accuracy in labeling. ~ Jeannette Walls

I mean," her mother paused to choose her words, "maybe you'll get involved in some school related activities, or join a team, or maybe meet a nice boy."
"Ugh," Keely groaned, "I don't have time for that stuff mom. We've talked about this."
"Because of the little ghost ... searching ... thingy you and Tad do?"
"It's called paranormal investigation mom."
"It's called being antisocial. ~ Aaron Crabill

You should go,' Raffe says to me. 'This is no place for a human.'
'What about me being your second for the contest?'
'Nobody will remember that once they see the Watchers.'
'Are you sure you're not just trying to avoid getting back into the truck with me and my mom?'
He almost smiles. ~ Susan Ee

If I had still been an immortal, I might have flirted with her myself. But I was now a sixteen-year-old boy. My mortal form was working its way upon my state of mind. I saw Sally Jackson as a mom - a fact that both consternated and embarrassed me. I thought about how long it had been since I had called my own mother. I should probably take her to lunch when I got back to Olympus. ~ Rick Riordan

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom. ~ Tim Allen

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that hap­pi­ness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't under­stand the assign­ment and I told them they didn't under­stand life. ~ Gaius Julius Caesar

Isabelle drifted over, Jace a pace behind her. She was wearing a long black dress with boots and an even longer cutaway coat of soft green velvet, the color of moss. "I can't believe you did it!" she exclaimed. "How did you get Magnus to let Jace leave?"
"Traded him for Alec," Clary said.
Isabelle looked mildly alarmed. "Not permanently?"
"No," said Jace. "Just for a few hours. Unless I don't come back," he added thoughtfully. "In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy."
Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
"That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?" Simon inquired. "No, probably not. ~ Cassandra Clare

I haven't slept with him, Mom." I whispered, lying through my teeth. I just didn't want to discuss my sex life with her. She would probably critique my oral skills or something.
"I should have known. You don't sleep with anybody. That's why you can't keep a man. ~ L.D. Davis

If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tattooed on each cheek of your ass in pink and brown ink. Then when you bend over, it says "Mom." Also, later on if you're havin' sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up you can just lie on your back, draw your legs up to your chest and silently say, 'Wow! ~ George Carlin

So neither massive head injuries, nor finding out you're a member of this family thirty freaking minutes ago-and therefore have very little experience handling weapons-gets you out of patrol?" I asked as I met Finley and Izzy by the backdoor.
After Aislinn had made her announcement, Mom had tried to argue on my behalf, saying that A) I was still processing the whole "being a Brannick" thing, and B) I had gone through a lot, so maybe I could use a nap. Or a snack.
Aislinn's answer was to give me ten minutes to take a shower, some of Finley's clothes, and a flask full of that Pine-Sol-tasting liquid. ~ Rachel Hawkins

I'm going to imagine that converstion now. 'Hi, Mom, it's me. I ran away to Paris with a stranger I met under a bridge. He's really old, too, like twenty-five or something, and a soldier, so I helped him desert from his army, and, oh, did I mention he's a Communist' ... ~ Rosanne Parry

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!' ~ George Lopez

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

I'd let her sell it to Dad. They tended not to contradict each other so if one of them had already said "yes" it usually meant "yes." If one of them said "no", ditto
which was why I'd asked Mom first. ~ Steven Gould

Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.
Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl's Guide to Casting. My Mom Wants to Kill Me: A Self-Help Book For Teens. ~ Kami Garcia

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables. ~ Bill Watterson

I hadn't realized she could shrink ... It makes sense now with the tricks Ari was able to perform with her."
"She wasn't born that way. Her mother was a scientist working to reduce subatomic particles."
"And whose mom isn't?" Raven joked. "Was Rick Moranis involved somehow? ~ J.T. Bock

I want to have scrambled eggs for dinner without this ridiculous construction that a scrambled egg-inclusive meal is breakfast even when it occurs at dinnertime."
"You've gotta pick your battles in this world, Hazel," my mom said. "But if this is the issue you want to champion, we will stand behind you. ~ John Green

Finn," she protested. "I wasn't laughing like, with her." Izzy glowered at me. "She tried to kill me."
"Actually, I didn't," I broke in. There was a hard look in Aislinn's and Finley's eyes that scared the heck out of me. The last thing I wanted was to be held responsible for Elodie's actions, especially now that I was, technically, one of these women, and the words just came pouring out of my mouth. "See, I don't have powers anymore, because I was supposed to go through the Removal, and that sort of locked my magic away so that I can't use it. But there was this girl-well, this witch-Elodie, and because she passed her magic on to me when she died, we're connected. That means her ghost follows me around and stuff, so when you attacked me, she possessed my body. Which is new and, quite frankly, super freaky, and something that I haven't really processed yet. Anyway, she was the one who used magic on you. Oh, and held the sword to your throat, and said all that creepy stuff. I'm not creepy. At least not on purpose."
By now, all three Brannick women-all four, if you counted Mom-were staring at me. Man, what had that piney-tasting stuff been? The Brannick version of Red Bull?
"I'll, uh, stop talking now. ~ Rachel Hawkins

Thanks to my mother, I was raised to have a morbid imagination. When I was a child, she often talked about death as warning, as an unavoidable matter of fact. Little Debbie's mom down the block might say, 'Honey, look both ways before crossing the street.' My mother's version: 'You don't look, you get smash flat like sand dab.' (Sand dabs were the cheap fish we bought live in the market, distinguished in my mind by their two eyes affixed on one side of their woebegone cartoon faces.)
The warnings grew worse, depending on the danger at hand. Sex education, for example, consisted of the following advice: 'Don't ever let boy kiss you. You do, you can't stop. Then you have baby. You put baby in garbage can. Police find you, put you in jail, then you life over, better just kill youself. ~ Amy Tan

Ah, Grace and Aislinn arguing. It's like old times again," a male voice said, sounding vaguely muffled. "Could someone take this blasted thing off so that I can see?"
Once again, my magic was thumping and bumping inside me, so I knew whatever was speaking, it wasn't human. Still, when Aislinn crossed over to the thing hanging on the wall and ripped down the canvas, I was taken aback by what I saw.
It wasn't a painting after all; it was a mirror, reflecting the dingy, gloomy room. It was weird seeing the tableau we made. Mom stood with her hand still on my elbow, her expression wary. Aislinn was looking at the mirror with something like disgust, while Izzy had gone even paler, and Finley was scowling. As for me, I was shocked by my reflection. I was thinner than I remembered being, and my skin was dirty, tears leaving trails on my dusty cheeks. And the hair…you know what? Let's not even go there.
But my looking like Little Orphan Sophie wasn't what had my powers going nuts. It was the guy. ~ Rachel Hawkins

Well, this was nice, Mom. I really appreciate your visit. We
should do this again sometime. Should I walk you to the door, or
do you know how to get to hell all by yourself? ~ Ty Mitchell

I can turn into a coyote," I said. "My mom tells me I must get it from my father."
Calvin's jaw dropped, then his face froze. "Your mother was a white woman," he said urgently. "You can't turn into a coyote."
"Can, too," I said indignantly. It was one thing for me to tell him he was lying
I knew I was right. It was an entirely different matter for him to tell me I was lying.
"Can't."
"Can."
"Can't"
"Can, too."
"Mercy," Adam said with an exaggerated patience tinged with humor. He knew I was doing it on purpose. That was okay but he wasn't angry anymore.
"Cannot," said Calvin.
"Knock it off, both of you. Neither of you is five. ~ Patricia Briggs

What every new parent needs.a ton of expert advice, presented with humor and zero negativity, from two moms who instantly feel like your best friends. This is the one pregnancy guide that new parents will actually want to read. ~ Leslie Morgan Steiner

Yes you're getting your tattoo." I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!" "Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker." "I never said that," Dad said. "No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys ~ Kelley Armstrong

My mom taught me the power of love. I learned to focus on the long-term big picture from my father. His sense of humor and light-hearted approach always make me smile. My husband is a pivotal anchor in my life. His influence encourages me to be independent and take risks. ~ Padmasree Warrior

I really like to cook. I used to do it lots for Mom, who's almost as useless as you, and it means I can practice describing all the different dishes. That always makes narratives seem less repetitive - and you can use them as metaphors, too. ~ Stephfordy Mayo

Mom talks about moving to Canada as though my father had requested she start wearing fun hats. "Why not try it?" she thought, instead of "This fucking lunatic wants me to go to a country made of ice and casual racism. ~ Scaachi Koul

Basically I'm pretty sure my mom thinks a well-thought-out list has the power to make time her personal bitch. ~ Susan Ranelle Amari

Mia: I was sixteen when I first realized my mom was more concerned about my appearance than I was ... I'll be talking to my mom and realize she hasn't heard a word because she's studying my face to see if the foundation I'm using is a good match for my skin tone. ~ Mia Fontaine

I was ten years old. I had noticed something was weird earlier in the day but I knew from commercials that one's menstrual period was a blue liquid that you poured like laundry detergent onto maxi pads to test their absorbency. This wasn't blue so ... I ignored it for a few hours.
When we got home I pulled my mom aside to ask if it was weird I was bleeding in my underpants. She was very sympathetic but also a little baffled. Her eyes said "Dummy didn't you read 'How Shall I Tell My Daughter ". I HAD read it but nowhere in the pamphlet did anyone say that your period was NOT a blue liquid.
At that moment two things became clear to me I was now technically a woman and I would never be a doctor. ~ Tina Fey

Noah's mom and dad were academics and socially inept, so Noah had never invited her over to his house because his parents wouldn't like it. And Eden had never invited Noah over to her house because she didn't want him to die. ~ Samantha Young

Want to guess what comes up when I Google "Woman discovers"? It's not "new galaxy." It's "a body in her trunk" or "the unthinkable in her attic." According to my computer search, other big discoveries by women include "her co-worker is her birth mom," "a Renaissance painting in her kitchen," and "her new home was once a meth lab." Hey, at least that one contains the word "lab. ~ Gina Barreca

She raised us with humor, and she raised us to understand that not everything was going to be great-but how to laugh through it. ~ Liza Minnelli

Have either of you seen your mother "
"Yeah " Ethan said and my heart actually skipped a beat.
But I should have known Ethan was joking. "Slim lady. Blue eyes and a gray pageboy " he continued his eyes glistening in appreciation of his own humor. "Answers to the name 'Mom'. ~ Rachel Vincent

Mom has the Touch. She knows what flowers go with what occasions, what hors d'oeuvres work with what people. She believes passionately in the power of food to heal, restore, and stimulate relationships, and she has built a following of loyal customers who really hope she's right. If she's wrong, says Sonia, no one wants to know. ~ Joan Bauer

I tried to go to sleep with my headphones still on, but then after a while my mom and dad came in, and my mom grabbed Bluie from the shelf and hugged him to her stomach, and my dad sat down in my desk chair, and without crying he said, 'You are not a grenade, not to us. Thinking about you dying makes us sad, Hazel, but you are not a grenade. You are amazing. You can't know, sweetie, because you've never had a baby become a brilliant young reader with a side interest in horrible television shows, but the joy you bring us is so much greater than the sadness we feel about your illness.'
'Okay,' I said.
'Really,' my dad said. 'I wouldn't bullshit you about this. If you were more trouble than you're worth, we'd just toss you out on the streets.'
'We're not sentimental people,' Mom added, deadpan. 'We'd leave you at an orphanage with a note pinned to your pajamas. ~ John Green

It's my experience that you first feel the impulse to write in your chest. It's like falling in love, only more so. It feels like something criminal. It feels like unspeakably wild sex. So, think: When you feel the overpowering need to go out and find some unspeakably wild sex, do you rush to tell your mom about it? ~ Carolyn See