Parenting Humor Quotes

My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children's need for parenting. ~ Margot Page

I am the king. You're the knight sitting at my round table. That's the nature of our relationship when it comes to war or other conflict resolution in this family. ~ Sarah Black

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. ~ Jim Gaffigan

Tummy Time - When a parent lays their baby on their tummy to strengthen and develop physically. Also called forgetting the child on the floor and giving it a name. ~ Olive Hunter

I would be the first to admit that my maternal instincts are not well developed
though in defense I must add that the raising of Ramses would have discouraged any woman. ~ Elizabeth Peters

Parenting fucked you up. ~ Abigail Barnette

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? ~ Emo Philips

There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is 'sleep training,' which basically involves putting your kids to bed and listening to them scream all night; or there is 'attachment parenting,' which essentially involves lying down with your kids, cuddling them, and then listening to them scream all night. ~ Jim Gaffigan

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. ~ Woody Allen

Got any mood music?"
"If you press Play on the stereo you're going to hear Miley Cyrus."
"I don't know who that is."
"Count your blessings. ~ Tere Michaels

You go through big chunks of time where you're just thinking, 'this is impossible - oh,this is impossible'. And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible. ~ Tina Fey

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. ~ Jim Gaffigan

Every kid is born a fascist," Liz said. "You have to pound democracy into them a little at a time. ~ M.R. Carey

From the moment I was first pregnant, and those around me insisted that treats such as cold cuts and nail polish could cut my unborn child's potential IQ in half, I got into the habit of NOT seeking out the little things that brought me joy. Like soft cheese. And getting too close to a Starbucks.
Then my son came, and I was too busy crying while searching for his User Manual to consider a manicure or massage.
I lasted about a week as a new mom before reaching out to others in my situation online. As exhausted, cranky, and confused as I was, I needed friends.
It didn't take long for this gaggle of desperate, sleepless women to meet up in person ... ~ Kim Bongiorno

That's the problem with you nearly immortal types," I said. "You couldn't spot a pop culture reference if it skittered up and implanted an embryo down your esophagus. ~ Jim Butcher

If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while. ~ Tom Lehrer

her humor kept tension at bay around the White House. Mrs. Bush was famous for it. Executive life was constantly stressful and it can consume everyone who works at the White House. She knew it and appreciated us, and it meant the world. ~ Gary J. Byrne

Teeth.
So needy. ~ Tish Harrison Warren

Well, man, you know what they say.
No, I don't. I don't know what they say.
I don't even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them. ~ Bo Burnham

I would go into my classroom and find my seat, and then my mom would take a picture of me at my new desk! ~ Kenton Duty

Shit is another useful word. Also very common. For example, pleasantly surprised? You say 'No shit?' You think someone tells you tales, you scoff 'You're shitting me.' You find something you like very much, you exclaim 'That's good shit! ~ Jane Yolen

It's said that sport is the civilised society's substitute for war, and also that the games we play as children are designed to prepare us for the realities of adult life. Certainly it's true that my brother thrived in the capitalist kindergarten of the Monopoly board, developing a set of ruthless strategies whose success is reflected in his bank balance even to this day. I, on the other hand, can still be undone by the kind of ridiculous sentimentality that would see me sacrifice anything, anything, in order to have the three matching red-headed cards of Fleet Street, Trafalgar Square and The Strand sitting tidily together on my side of the board. ~ Danielle Wood

It was like the Secret Garden.
Of dead people. ~ Chelsea Fine

How did I dance with a guy who's never heard of feminism?"
"I've heard of it, but that doesn't mean a woman can do everything a man can do," he goaded. I went to smack him on the back of his head, but he ducked with a snicker."I'm learning," he informed me. "How did I ever consider dating such a violent girl?"
"We're both lucky we got out early before we really knew each other."
"Oh yes, good thing neither one of is still interested in the other," Brent said with a playful grin. ~ Lani Woodland

I had no way to have a sense of humor about The Exorcist. I didn't know how. And this enabled me. ~ Linda Blair

I have one important question to ask you before I kiss you."
Kiss her? Her eyes had possibly bulged out of their sockets. Not good. "What?"
"Are you allergic to calamari? ~ Cari Silverwood

And then - thwack! - Anne had brought her slate down on Gilbert's head and cracked it - slate not head - clear across. ~ L.M. Montgomery

Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.
Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye.
"Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king. ~ Lauren Kate

From a simple, mammal perspective, you think you're going to make friends through the movie. You think, "Oh, this kind of humor that I play with will bring people that have a similar kind of humor. I'll make new friends," or something. You don't even think in terms of audience or of money. ~ Gaspar Noe

What does that mean, really? Be good? How does a person know she's falling
within her mother's interpretation of Be Good? "Always!" I called back. What else was I going to say? Though I was tempted to just once say, "I will never be good - I am Satan, I want to drink your blood, have orgies, and hurt bunnies." It would totally amuse me, but somehow I don't think my mother would see the humor in it. ~ Erin Lynn

The introduction was meant to be all important and elegant and meaningful and "This summer marks the voyage of discovery of Livia Stowe," and instead all I'm doing is writing about the plane crashing and when they find my laptop the only message I'll have left for my loved ones and the good of humanity is "Oh, noooooo, we're all going to die! It was the turkeys!" They will know that I knew about the loose bit on the wing. And didn't tell anyone. Okay, everything's smoothing out again now. The flap is still flapping, but we've made it through the flying turkeys, and the plane has stopped bumping. The flight attendants still don't seem bothered, so I think maybe I'm not going to die today. ~ Kate Le Vann

Jules lips quivered, and I feared she was about to cry. Then she asked, "He bit off more than he could chew, didn't he?" She made a motion as if she was biting into a tough piece of steak.
Gabriella's lips sealed shut as she tried to hide her grin, though she failed at it when Andrew asked, "Was he eating?" He turned desperately to Gabriella, confused.
Jules wasn't about to cry, she was trying not to laugh! She giggled then, the sound tinkling and odd in the outlandish setting.
Andrew straightened and shook his head at Gabriella. "Did you see him eat? ~ Laura Kreitzer

Tea is her answer to everything. I once broke my arm and she tried to give me Lapsang Souchong ~ Gail Carriger

I don't know what a carbuncle is, but it doesn't sound pleasant. I wish one upon Rachel's nose. ~ Emily Giffin

So you like to stretch the truth?" he asked me. "Stretch, fold, spindle, staple or cut, whatever it takes to get it to fit just right". ~ Neil Leckman

The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations. ~ Jack Paar

My childhood, adolescence and high school days are unusually important. If there has ever been a time that I developed a uniqueness and sense of humor and the ability to organize, it was then. In those early days, I developed the skills that gave me a certain degree of success in American politics. ~ Lee Atwater

On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, "Save the whales. Collect the whole set," "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now," and "Half the people you know are below average." Typical for the Eastern student body. ~ Neil S. Plakcy

Good," Brigida said with a nod. "Now, you'll need one of Arranz's kin to accompany you. Take that one with you." She motioned to Addolgar. "And the one with the thick neck over there."
Ghleanna's hand went to her throat. "Me neck isn't thick."
"Thick like a tree trunk," Brigida muttered.
"It's graceful. This neck is long and graceful." Powerful legs landed on the table and Ghleanna crossed her arms over her chest. "Graceful," she growled, appearing to fight an instinct to yell.
Addolgar shrugged at Braith. "Me sister's graceful."
"Yes," Braith replied, her eyes briefly crossing. "I can see that. ~ G.A. Aiken

If you had a daily printout from the brain of an average twenty-four-year-old male, it would probably go like this: sex, need coffee, sex, traffic, sex, sex, what an asshole, sex, ham sandwich, sex, sex, etc ~ Kate White

It is easier to conduct business with giant cookies. ~ Gasmaskman

I then swept the crumbs into my palm and opened one of the empty drawers and poured them in. I was working on the theory that if I collected enough crumbs, eventually I could make my own Twix. It's good to have a purpose in life. ~ Colin Bateman

Smartass Disciple: Master, I believe that the truth will prevail at the end.
Master of Stupidity: No 'the end' for the truth. 'Prevail' is something else. ~ Toba Beta

It is amazing to me," said Bingley, "How young ladies can have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are."
"All young ladies accomplished? My dear Charles, what do you mean?"
"Yes, all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover screens and net purses. I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time without being informed that she was very accomplished."
"Your list of the common extent of accomplishments," said Darcy, "has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse or covering a screen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished."
"Nor I, I am sure." said Miss Bingley.
"Then," observed Elizabeth, "you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman."
"Yes, I do comprehend a great deal in it."
"Oh! certainly," cried his faithful assistant, "no one can really be esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved."
"All this she must possess," added Dar ~ Jane Austen