Battlefront Humour Quotes

There is much argument here about what is respectable and what is not, and what a good gel should or should not do regarding hemlines. I have to report that the general opinion of a soldier looking forward to leave after many months at the Front is that a hemline should go up as far as possible, and that the more unrespectable the girl the better. The proviso being, of course, that one's own wife/sweetheart should not occupy this category. ~ Theresa Breslin

Ah, Klaas! Dear Klaas reverted to compost many years ago. ~ David Mitchell

She had her head in a book. Like me she preferred reading about travel to actually traveling; it was so much more comfortable. ~ Zanesh Catkin

The witch's hair was too short and too dark for blond. She wasn't sure if that relieved her or disturbed her.
Riley had immediately begun his interrogation, and it had gone something like this:
Riley: Where is the meeting between your kind and Aden Stone supposed to take place?
Witch: Go suck yourself.
Riley: Maybe later. Meeting?
Witch: Enjoy death.
Riley: I have once already. Now, decide to talk or lose a body part.
Witch: May I recommend a finger?
Riley: Sure. After I take one of your very necessary hands. ~ Gena Showalter

So what is the best vegetable? Well, we all know that: it's the potato. The vegetable you can't screw up. You can throw a potato into a bonfire, run away from it - and, an hour later, it's turned into a meal. Try doing that with broccoli, or a trifle, and it will laugh in your face. ~ Caitlin Moran

But it was in the life-saving competition that Stanley Judkins's conduct was most blameable and had the most far-reaching effects. The practice, as you know, was to throw a selected lower boy, of suitable dimensions, fully dressed, with his hands and feet tied together, into the deepest part of Cuckoo Weir, and to time the Scout whose turn it was to rescue him. On every occasion when he was entered for this competition Stanley Judkins was seized, at the critical moment, with a severe fit of cramp, which caused him to roll on the ground and utter alarming cries. This naturally distracted the attention of those present from the boy in the water, and had it not been for the presence of Arthur Wilcox the death-roll would have been a heavy one. As it was, the Lower Master found it necessary to take a firm line and say that the competition must be discontinued. It was in vain that Mr. Beasley Robinson represented to him that in five competitions only four lower boys had actually succumbed. The Lower Master said that he would be the last to interfere in any way with the work of the Scouts; but that three of these boys had been valued members of his choir, and both he and Dr. Ley felt that the inconvenience caused by the losses outweighed the advantages of the competitions. Besides, the correspondence with the parents of these boys had become annoying, and even distressing: they were no longer satisfied with the printed form which he was in the habit of sending out, and more than one ~ M.R. James

Do not mislead Perez Anna or malign the people who have sheltered you for over twenty years. We are not - what is the word for eaters of one another?"
"Capitalists," said Anna. ~ Eleanor Arnason

Such a narrative as this demands some sort of physical consolation for its spiritual tribulation. Our heroine received it in one last cup of tea. The reader may be advised to do so likewise. ~ Emily C.A. Snyder

Status: Naked. On bed. With boy. Systems overheating. Sudden doubts multiplying. Meltdown imminent. ~ J.C. Lillis

Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder? ~ Corey Redekop

She was heavier than he expected - women always are. ~ Sylvia Townsend Warner

He was fingering his great horn. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Would you really have ... ?" said Julien.
"Almost certainly," I said. "I have deep-seated problems with authority figures."
"But you are one!"
"I know! I can only assume the universe has a really mean sense of humour. ~ Simon R. Green

Hey haters! you can chase me but i'll catch you. ~ Osei Owusu

Another one of your quippy japes? ~ Jasper Fforde

All right." He straightened up and seemed to be true to his promise to let it go. "I will be a man about this."
That lasted until he saw the scratches on the hood from the mountain lion and the front fender, Where Abigail had dragged it off the driveway.
Wailing, he went to it and sank to his knees. He sprawled over the hood and laid his head on the damaged fender. "I'm so sorry, Bets. I should of hidden the keys. Booted your tires. Something. I had know idea anyone would hurt you so, baby. I swear I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Ayyy, how could they do this to you? How? Oh the humanity! ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

The secret to my success is the love & support of a good bar of chocolate ~ Ray Daley

Village life gently swirled around them, with the perpetual ebb and flow of people, scurrying in every direction. The village was a living, organic entity, with blood flowing through its veins, and with a definite pulse and heartbeat. It had its own distinct personality and its own dark caustic humour, and was constantly processing and regurgitating information through its winding, meandering streets. ~ Leonardo Donofrio

The pig winks and rolls in the bog. He kicks his legs up and his trotters clack together. The sun is low over the neighbourhood. There is the smell of oncoming night, of pollen settling, the sounds of kids fighting bath time. Lester comes down, waving his hands.
Don't drown the pig, Fish. We're saving him for Christmas! We're gonna eat him.
No!
I'll drink to that, says the pig.
Lester stands there. He looks at Fish. He looks at the porker. He peeps over the fence. The pig. The flamin' pig. The pig has just spoken. It's no language that he can understand, but there's no doubt. He feels a little crook, like maybe he should go over to that tree and puke.
I like him, Lestah.
He talks?
Yep.
Oh, my gawd.
Lester looks at his retarded son again and once more at the pig.
The pig talks.
I likes him.
Yeah, I bet.
The pig snuffles, lets off a few syllables: aka sembon itwa. It's tongues, that's what it is. A blasted Pentecostal pig.
And you understand him?
Yep. I likes him.
Always the miracles you don't need. It's not a simple world, Fish. It's not. ~ Tim Winton

What kind of slut do you think I am?"
Theo bumped his hips against hers. "This might not be the best moment to ask me that. ~ Annabel Joseph

There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millett's ~ Half Man Half Biscuit

Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Oh, come on Em." He stopped walking and looked me in the eyes. His own were dark and shiny. "You know how I feel about you," he muttered.
"I do?"
He stepped closer and whispered, "When you're around, music plays in my head."
My eyes welled. "Music," I repeated softly.
"Well, you know." He grinned. "It's the Jaws theme. Da dum. Da dum. ~ Jennifer Jabaley

Forgive me if I'm uncomfortable around people with the authority to chop my head off. ~ Zoe Reed

There's something very comforting about watching a Hugh Grant movie. You know no one's head will be blown off in the first three minutes, no one will be tortured, and the worst thing that might happen is seeing a lanky Welshman eating mayonnaise in his underpants ~ Ali McNamara

...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and 'rough sex'. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, 'It doesn't matter, it's only going to be you and me. ~ Tim Shipman

Dad climbs down from the table and sits on his cart. "Olmo, men don't have periods." "Eh? The brown spots I have in my underpants … Azzy told me I should get a tampon and - " Azalea plays innocent. "I never said such a thing. ~ Mya Robarts

If Beyoncé Knowles and Miley Cyrus represent the latest branch of feminism, then surely the male-dominated power elite must be aroused with concern. ~ Mitchell Rhodes

Dez cringed as her boss slammed his door closed. But before she could walk away, he snatched it open again. "And I better not see your ass until after the New Year!" He slammed it again.
Dez glared at Bukowski as she headed back to her desk. "I didn't even do anything."
"You did ask her if she killed Petrov. I think your exact words were, 'You whacked him, didn't you? You sadistic bitch. ~ Shelly Laurenston

Follow that coffeehouse. ~ Frances Hardinge

A real Deadly Dolly," sniggered Mick. And then, "Ouch!" when she whacked him. ~ Aaron D'Este

Now Miss Mapp's social dictatorship among the ladies of Tilling had long been paramount, but every now and then signs of rebellious upheavals showed themselves. By virtue of her commanding personality these had never assumed really serious proportions, for Diva, who was generally the leader in these uprisings, had not the same moral massiveness. But now when Elizabeth was so exceedingly superior, the fumes of Bolshevism mounted swiftly to Diva's head. Moreover, the sight of this puzzling male impersonator, old, wrinkled, and moustached, had kindled to a greater heat her desire to know her and learn what it felt like to be Romeo on the music-hall stage and, after years of that delirious existence, to subside into a bath-chair and Suntrap and Tilling. What a wonderful life! . . . And behind all this there was a vague notion that Elizabeth had got her information in some clandestine manner and had muddled it. For all her clear-headedness and force Elizabeth did sometimes make a muddle and it would be sweeter than honey and the honeycomb to catch her out. So in a state of brooding resentment Diva went home to lunch and concentrated on how to get even with Elizabeth. ~ E.F. Benson

And it's a pity too that I've no right to open your letters. I hope you don't get many, or my conscience will give me no peace. ~ Diana Wynne Jones

Clouds are high flying Fog ~ Gaurav Rao

Whilst it may be our species greatest achievement, responsible for every technological advance we have or ever will make, science is also poop and sex and boogers. ~ Katie McKissick

Human humour often consists of pretending to wish something does not really wish. ~ Katherine Applegate

Keep your bad vibes out of my cornflakes. ~ Gerard Way

The woman behind the bar called out: 'Why do you stand like hypnotized fish? Did you come to drink beer or to eat food?'

'Be patient,' said Gersen. 'We are making our decision.'

The remark annoyed the woman. Her voice took on a coarse edge. "Be patient,' you say? All night I pour beer for crapulous men; isn't that patience enough? Come over here, backwards; I'll put this spigot somewhere amazing, at full gush, and then we'll discover who calls for patience! ~ Jack Vance

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again. ~ Stephen Colbert

I said in my earlier book, and find no reason for retracting my statement, that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit to Israel. ~ George Mikes

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? ~ Erma Bombeck

I may not hate al of the people all the time, but I hate all of them some of the time, and I hate some of them all of the time. ~ Kathy McCullough

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others. ~ Winston S. Churchill

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With my knives. ~ Sarah J. Maas

Some of them screamed. Some of them wept. Some of them grinned like LSD was a blast. A case officer said John Stanton hatched the idea - lets flood Cuba with this shit before we invade. Langley co-signed the brainstorm. Langley embellished it: Let's induce mass hallucinations and stage the second coming of Christ!!!! Langley found some suicidal actors. Langley dolled them up to look like J.C. Langley had them set to pre-invade Cuba concurrent with the dope saturation. Peter howled. The case officer said, 'It's not funny.' A drug-zorched peon whipped out his wang and jacked off. ~ James Ellroy

Get transported back to the seventies ! ~ Tom Evans

My doggy ate my homework.
He chewed it up," I said.
But when I offered my excuse
My teacher shook her head.
I saw this wasn't going well.
I didn't want to fail.
Before she had a chance to talk,
I added to the tale:

"Before he ate, he took my work
And tossed it in a pot.
He simmered it with succotash
Till it was piping hot.

"He scrambled up my science notes
With eggs and bacon strips,
Along with sautéed spelling words
And baked potato chips.

"He then took my arithmetic
And had it gently fried.
He broiled both my book reports
With pickles on the side.

"He wore a doggy apron
As he cooked a notebook stew.
He barked when I objected.
There was nothing I could do."

"Did he wear a doggy chef hat?"
My teacher gave a scowl.
"He did," I said. "And taking it
Would only make him growl."

My teacher frowned, but then I said
As quickly as I could,
"He covered it with ketchup,
And he said it tasted good."

"A talking dog who likes to cook?"
My teacher had a fit.
She sent me to the office,
And that is where I sit.

I guess I made a big mistake
In telling her all that.
'Cause I don't have a doggy.
It was eaten by my cat. ~ Dave Crawley

Law that stated you didn't advertise any event you hadn't attended, any place you'd never been, or any band you didn't really listen to. ~ Mhairi McFarlane