Adult Humour Quotes

You know its going to be a bad day when you are having a prostate examination and you feel both of your doctor's hands on your shoulders! ~ Michael Robotham

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. ~ Ambrose Bierce

I decided to deflect her attitude by giving a long, Southern answer. I come from people who know how to draw things out. Annoy a Southerner, and we will drain away the moments of your life with our slow, detailed replies until you are nothing but a husk of your former self and that much closer to death. ~ Maureen Johnson

-To me women are the most unknown factors in the universe, Vieng had then continued, -that is what makes them so interesting to us. So it's like us men have an instinctively born scientific nature to study women. As I said before it takes a long time to understand women, if it is at all possible, so once you find the right woman to love then you will never get bored of trying to study her. ~ Andrew James Pritchard

Forget it," I said. "Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he'd still be preferable to listening to the two of you. ~ John Zakour

We bite back the things we can't say and we cushion every surface for the inevitable moment when they all come fighting out. ~ Moira Fowley Doyle

The elegant jump from malicious gossip to compliment, seemed to me so very successful that I thought of adult normality precisely as an art of that type. ~ Elena Ferrante

Some of my best friends are women,' I snapped, 'though I certainly wouldn't want my daughter to marry one of them. ~ Kyril Bonfiglioli

I feel like I am weak, and my weakness has been exposed to the light. ~ Charlena E. Jackson

So. If this was some normal fictional young-adult book, this is the part of the story where after the film, the entire high school would rise to their feet and applaud, and Earl and I would find True Acceptance and begin to Truly Believe in Ourselves and Rachel would somehow miraculously make a recovery, or maybe she would die but we would Always Have Her to Thank for Making Us Discover Our Inner Talent, and Madison would become my girlfriend and I would get to nuzzle her boobs like an affectionate panda cub whenever I wanted.
That is why fiction sucks. None of that happened. Instead, pretty much everything happened that I was afraid of, except worse. ~ Jesse Andrews

Why do adults think every girl who isn't some overachieving nitwit needs to be reassured about her intelligence? Folks, my self-esteem is just fine, thanks. I may not be school smart, and I may do extremely stupid things sometimes, but I know I'm smart. And I'd give me some serious Vegas odds to kick the ass of Sarah Scholar at life-skills moral combat any day. ~ Rachel Cohn

And then this happened. And then this other thing happened. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you about the time this happened. I should've had this book over for a cup of coffee and a chat. ~ Nick Stewart

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt. ~ S.K. Tremayne

When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum. ~ Mark Twain

Now that Janet and Frances were older, Grandpa would let them visit him in his study, where the parrot lived. Grandpa came from a long line of parrot-keeping men, and Polly's predecessor, a white cockatoo, had fought with Wellington's armies in the Napoleonic Wars. Janet's father's earliest memories were of the astonishing oaths known to this bird, who was then a hundred and two years old and spoke in ripe gamey accents long since gone from the world of men. Grandpa believed that there must be a fair number of such long-lived birds in Scotland - even perhaps in England - and it would have been a fine thing to have them all gathered in a great dining hall, invoking ghostly midshipmen and dragoons, violent drinkers and merry rhymesters, perhaps even occasionally a lady of refinement. This, he said, would afford a historical experience of rare value; indeed, ancient parrots should be fêted and cultivated as true archivists. ~ Elspeth Barker

Will laughed. 'I now know why fate linked you with Xav. You are going to tease each other unmercifully.'
Victorthrew down a card. 'Might make the world a little safer for the rest of us then.'
'Unless they turn their powers jointly on us,' suggested Sky, her old sparkle back in her eyes.
The Benedict brothers groaned in unison. ~ Joss Stirling

It's hot in here but that's just you, Michelle, for when I see you it's like the sun comes out in my head. You are the reason for global warming but in a good way. ~ J.A. Buckle

It bears repeating a third time: Not being funny doesn't make you a bad person. Not having a sense of humour does. ~ David Rakoff

Ari's words felt like drops of sunlight upon my skin, and my frame was burning with longing. ~ Petra March

If he were only interested in me for one thing, he'd have moved on when it didn't go perfectly the first time.", Loving Summer by Kailin Gow ~ Kailin Gow

It must be understood that, as adults, we are all terminal. ~ Jacob K. Javits

He never wanted children.' Jessica said. 'When we married he never mentioned them. I told him Poppy was an accident but she wasn't. I came off the pill. I came off the pill just to see if I could get pregnant and four weeks later l was. I was as fertile as the San Joaquin Valley ~ Ray Harris

Jay's mom was a lot of great things that Violet admired, technologically savvy was definitely not one of them. She was one of those people who were loath to move into the twenty-first century and embrace all things modern. She was the only adult woman that Violet knew of who didn't own a cell phone, and she refused to buckle beneath the pressure to pay good money for high-speed internet, so Jay was forced to plug his secondhand laptop into the phone line and use dial-up. Not because they couldn't afford such luxuries, but because Ann Heaton wasn't going down without a fight. ~ Kimberly Derting

I'm a fucking starship; I'm allowed to cheat. ~ Iain M. Banks

We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. ~ Brene Brown

Is this one of those days where we all stalk out in fury? Because I simply haven't got the energy for it. ~ Cassandra Clare

There's always been some concern that adult subject matter should be quarantined from a page that attracts children. Unlike late at night, when 'South Park' and 'Colbert' are on, impressionable minds are wide awake when the newspaper arrives. ~ Garry Trudeau

But what slayed Robert was that for all these years, all his adult life, he'd never believed in relationships and commitment. They were highly overrated as far as he was concerned. Some people's entire lives revolved around love ... finding it, keeping it. People had written poetry about it, had sacrificed for it, had even died for it. And he'd never been able to understand why. Why would anyone want to invest themselves in such a fickle emotion that sounded too good to be true because it was too good to be true. When the going got tough, even when someone claimed to love and be committed to the people in their lives, they really only honored that commitment when things were good. ~ M.L. Rhodes

I lost my virginity but I still have the box it came in. – t-shirt ~ Darynda Jones

Sometimes humour is all we have to say the things that can't be said. ~ Simon R. Green

As a little kid, Peter had figured that once you reached a certain age, somebody just handed you all the knowledge you'd need in order to be an adult. But it turned out that wasn't how it worked. ~ Tommy Wallach

Finally, the intercom crackles and Hatmitch's acerbic laugh fills the studio. He contains himself just long enough to say, 'And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies. ~ Suzanne Collins

I don't need to travel back in time to cause trouble. Seeing back through time finds me trouble enough! ~ A.A. Bell

You know what a mistake is, right?"
"Like when Mommy yells at me and then says she is sorry later. ~ Keira Kroft

Someone like you is brilliant and amazing.' I said. 'Why can't you see that in yourself?' The unfairness of it was starting to sink in. If she could only see herself like I did, there wouldn't be a problem. But she didn't, and she never would, and that was so many levels of wrong and unfair I almost couldn't comprehend it. ~ Sara Barnard

When I was little, I longed and longed to be older, except now I can't recall what exactly it was that I most keenly anticipated. Being allowed to stay up as late as I wanted? To wear or eat or read whatever I pleased? Well, I could do all those things now, but mostly I don't
either because I have to get up early for work the next morning, or haven't enough money to buy the outfit I really love, or for some other boring, grown-up reason. Also, children don't realize what a huge proportion of adult life is used up worrying about things
from what to make for dinner and whether one's sheets will get dry in time to make the beds that night, to whether one will ever manage to meet the right man and marry him. Shouldn't being a grown-up be slightly more exhilarating? ~ Michelle Cooper

Ah, shit. She's been crying. This is not good.
I swear to God, a girl crying is fucking blackmail. It just makes you feel so damn guilty – no matter if you've done anything wrong or not – and have the bizarre urge to make her feel better. ~ Joanne McClean

The waitress scuttles away, and I make a shooing motion at the old couple who're still glaring.
"Don't you have something to better to work on?" I hiss. "Like golfing or eating prunes or dying?"
The old lady looks shocked.
"Okay, sorry, not dying. But seriously, prunes are good for you. ~ Sara Wolf

And I wanted to do a movie [Moonrise Kingdom] about a childhood romance - a very powerful experience of childhood romance. About what it's like to just be blindsided, when you're in fifth grade or sixth grade, by these kinds of feelings. Along the way, I sort of mixed in some interest in "young adult fantasy" writing. ~ Wes Anderson

He held me as if my bones were made of glass, as if my skin would tear beneath his lips if he applied too much pressure. When his lips pressed against the pulse at the base of my throat, I wondered if he could feel the power in my pulse, the power he was solely responsible for. As if in answer, his hand moved from my neck to my chest, resting over the space that contained my heart. There was something beautiful and intentional about that gesture, like he was acknowledging the mortal part of me that reacted so restlessly to his touch. ~ Whitney Barbetti

Australian people are dope. They're so fun. They want to just have a good time, and they have a great sense of humour. ~ Erin Heatherton

Can I borrow fifty bucks?"
"What?"
"I'm short until payday."
"You're short every day. ~ J.D. Robb

Surely, if my parents and older brother were awake now, that would mean that they would have remembered such an important date and, as soon as they saw me, congratulate me on living another year? Adele Rose, Awakening. ~ Adele Rose

He once told me that an August evening was "as hot as three toads in a Cuisinart," a comparison that left me blinking two days later. ~ Dean Koontz

Often the only thing a child can remember about an adult in later years, when he or she is grown, is whether or not that person was kind to him or her. ~ Billy Graham

But since the new Archchancellor never paid much attention to anything anyone said while he was eating, and Poons never noticed that he wasn't getting any answers, they got along quite well. ~ Terry Pratchett

Kids, adults, men, women, everybody has a relationship with Mickey Mouse. ~ Warren Spector