Yakov Quotes

Yakov spent the whole day playing his fiddle; when it got completely dark, he took the notebook in which he recorded his losses daily, and out of boredom began adding up the yearly total. It came to over a thousand roubles. This astounded him so much that he flung the abacus to the floor and stamped his feet. Then he picked up the abacus, again clicked away for a long time, and sighed deeply and tensely. His face was purple and wet with sweat. He thought that if he could have put that lost thousand roubles in the bank, he would have earned at least forty roubles a year in interest. And therefore those forty roubles were a loss. In short, wherever you turned, there was nothing but losses everywhere.
- Rothchild's Fiddle ~ Anton Chekhov

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses ... " That's it. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

Later bad things will be said about Stalin; he'll be called a tyrant and his reign of terror will be denounced. But for the people of Eduard's generation he will remain the supreme leader of the people of the Union at the most tragic moment in their history; the man who defeated the Nazis and proved himself capable of a sacrifice worthy of the ancient Romans: the Germans had captured his son, Lieutenant Yakov Dzhugashvili, while the Russians had captured Field Marshal Paulus, one of the top military leaders of the Reich, at Stalingrad. When the German High Command proposed an exchange, Stalin responded with disdain that he didn't exchange field marshals for simple lieutenants. Yakov committed suicide by throwing himself on the electrified barbed wire fence of his prison camp. * ~ Emmanuel Carrere

When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

I was not only typecast as a Russian, but I was typecast as Yakov Smirnoff. This is understandable, and I was very happy to get the roles, but it would be nice to be in a movie where I could be someone else. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job! ~ Yakov Smirnoff

There's depth in my comedy. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

I did a show called 'What A Country,' with Yakov Smirnoff and Don Knotts. I used to write jokes for Yakov's stand-up act. ~ Mike Scully

To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

I came to America to make it my home, and I did. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

Yakov, if one becomes Hitler, just one - my God, you know what we've got!'
'No,' Liebermann said. 'No, I've been thinking about this for weeks. I say in my talks it takes two things to make it happen again, a new Hitler and social conditions like in the thirties. But that's not true. It takes three things: the Hitler, the conditions ... and the people to follow the Hitler.'
'And don't you think he'd find them?'
'No, not enough of them. I really think people are better and smarter now, not so much thinking their leaders are God. The television makes a big difference. And history, knowing ... Some he'd find, yes; but no more, I think- I hope- than the pretend Hitlers we have now ... ~ Ira Levin

We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff. ~ Jon Stewart

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

When you like something, you find time to do it. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In Soviet Russia, party always finds you! ~ Yakov Smirnoff

If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

We decided it here. Ilyich [Lenin] believed that we shouldn't leave the Whites a live banner to rally around, especially under the present difficult circumstances. ~ Yakov Sverdlov

Rejection and privilege, happiness and woe - no one felt more concretely than Yakov
how interchangeable opposites are, how short the step from one pole of human
existence to the other. ~ Milan Kundera

Without publicity there is no prosperity. ~ Yakov Borisovich Zel'dovich

Yakov Mikhailovich, as we have already said, believed fervently in the power of the human intellect. There are no insoluble problems, only incompetent problem solvers. ~ Boris Akunin

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In America, you can always find a party.
In Soviet Russia, Party always find you! ~ Yakov Smirnoff

I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you! ~ Yakov Smirnoff

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

I have American in-laws, and I care about the environment. We don't use disposable diapers, which, of course, creates an environmental problem of our own. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing. ~ Yakov Smirnoff