Some Humour Quotes

No woman ever yet either reasoned or acted long together consequentially; but some little thing, some love, some resentment, somepresent momentary interest, some supposed slight, or some humour, always breaks in upon, and oversets their most prudent resolutions and schemes. ~ Lord Chesterfield

Yes ... I miss that everyone in Ireland tries to knock some humour out of every situation. I don't think I appreciated that. It's unique to Ireland. ~ Deirdre O'Kane

I'll betide thee, say I, and may the Gods, or at least the Athenians, confound thee for a vile citizen and a vile third-rate actor! Read the evidence. ~ Demosthenes

There is some humour in 'Family Values.' I don't want everyone to think it's not going to make them laugh. But there are quite a lot of poems there that aren't funny at all. ~ Wendy Cope

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. ~ Oscar Wilde

Are you beating the meat? Flogging the bishop? Spanking the monkey? ~ Matthew Bracey

If I could split myself into five people, I would still be behind on my writing schedule. I see now why James Patterson cloned himself so many times. ~ Peter James West

Hey, do you want to end this right now?" Her eyes flared. "I wouldn't have asked you out if I'd wanted to end it. Sit back, eat and enjoy. Pretend I'm dead. ~ David Bischoff

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. ~ Steven Wright

Hi!'
The chirpy little voice greeted me with such energised enthusiasm it made me jump nearly a foot out of my seat. I turned around, expecting to see the usual cocky little Bezzer-in-training Tyler, who every once in a while enjoys pissing off as many people on the bus as possible, but to my surprise it was the scruffy little quiet Year 7 who sits at the front of the bus with his big orange hair bouncing around.
'Hello,' I replied dubiously. (You can't assume that a kid isn't intending to give you grief just because he has ginger hair, not these days. What is the world coming to?) ~ Tom Clempson

He was laughing now, and he knew she had a sense of humour, and she knew he did, too, and somehow he made her feel safe, made her trust that he would never bring it up again, that this terrible thing she said would remain between them, that they both understood mistakes are made by all and that they should, if everyone is acknowledging our common humanity, our common frailty and propensity for sounding and looking ridiculous a thousand times a day, that these mistakes should be allowed to be forgotten. ~ Dave Eggers

You have a sense of humour. I am in favor of jokes. They have political value. Jokes are a release for the cowardly and the impotent. ~ Graham Greene

The trouble with England, he thinks, is that it's so poor in gesture. We shall have to develop a hand signal for 'Back off, our prince is fucking this man's daughter.' He is surprised that the Italians have not done it. Though perhaps they have, and he just never caught on. ~ Hilary Mantel

Resolved not to waste further time on account of this childish affair, I contemplated departure via the french windows. ~ Kazuo Ishiguro

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. ~ Stephen Hawking

During the next week, everyone noticed that my appetite had improved, even Toddy.

"Are you done with your hunger strike?" he asked me curiously, one morning.
"Toddy, eat your breakfast."
"But I thought that was what it was called. When people don't eat."
"No, a hunger strike is for people in prison," Kitsey said coolly.
"Kitten," said Mr. Barbour, in a warning tone.
"Yes, but he ate three waffles yesterday," said Toddy, looking eagerly between his uninterested parents in an attempt to engage them. "I only ate two waffles. And this morning he ate a bowl of cereal and six pieces of bacon, but you said five pieces of bacon was too much for me. Why can't I have five pieces, too? ~ Donna Tartt

You look extremely young," said Miss Nightingale....
"Age isn't really a matter of years, I find," returned Phemie. "I know people twice my age who will never be as old as I am now. ~ Frances Murray

Johnson! Have I committed any illegal actions?'
Johnson checked his watch. 'Not within the last three minutes, sir. ~ Genevieve Cogman

I'm sorry to disturb you, madam,' said Nurse, 'but I thought I'd better speak to you. It's about Miss Delia's knickers' she continued, after a glance at the Vicar and a rapid decision that his cloth protected him. 'She really hasn't a pair fit to wear... ~ Angela Thirkell

To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another's dreams ~ Rob Shepherd

Why?' she hissed. Why indeed? 'I give you orders,' he barked, 'not fucking reasons! ~ Joe Abercrombie

Lambretta

It doesn't get much better
Though I'm trying to forget her
That girl on that Lambretta
Stole my heart.
But my feelings just got fonder
As she disappeared off yonder
But I couldn't get my Honda
Bike to start.
So I'll admit defeat
It's not partial, it's complete
'Cos I'll never get to meet
That work of art.
Now I've ceased to be a suitor
I imagine that'll suit her
An' I 'ope her rotten scooter
Falls apart. ~ Robbie Franklin

I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, though you've got to do it to stay alive, they tell me. ~ Margaret Atwood

A pottery outside Paris was turning out his picture on thick glazed crockery in a strident yellow and blue. This is what happens when you become a public figure; people eat their dinners off you. ~ Hilary Mantel

Analysing humour is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies. ~ Alan Ford

The Difference between Writers and Editors.
Writers are creative using one end of a pencil.
Editors are more adept using the opposite end. ~ Roy A. Higgins

Mark Twain said the difference between the right word and the almost right word is like the difference between lightning and the lightning bug, and people think he was good, right ? Didn't write any decent characters, as far as I can tell, but otherwise fine. ~ Adam Rex

John Brooke is acting dreadfully, and Meg likes it! ~ Louisa May Alcott

Michael tousled my hair and said, "Remember, no more skateboards, right?" And then this gem: "If you ever break your arm skateboarding again ... " He paused, flashing me a dimpled Charles Ingalls grin, which then suddenly disappeared. "I'll break the other one. ~ Alison Arngrim

I don't know any sad songs. Except for the funny ones. ~ Richard Powers

A real Deadly Dolly," sniggered Mick. And then, "Ouch!" when she whacked him. ~ Aaron D'Este

They tried their best. Shayna and Emme crawled along their bellies in true Rambo-meets– Bridget Jones style ~ Cecy Robson

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes. ~ Harland Williams

Now-what's our game plan?"
Coach Hedge belched. He'd already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would've eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand.
"Climb the mountain," Hedge said. "Kill everything except Piper's dad. Leave."
"Thank you General Eisenhower," Jason grumbles. ~ Rick Riordan

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

But then he put aside the awkward encounter, which his mind allowed him to do quite easily. He could compartmentalize at an astonishing level. It came from not giving a shit. ~ David Baldacci

I think the most attractive thing is a sense of humour. If someone can make you laugh, you've gotten a lot out of the way. ~ Kiefer Sutherland

He does possess a penetrating sense of humour. At the end of one briefing in Mexico, when Nigel Mansell had let the world know that he was suffering seriously from uncontrollable diarrhoea and needed to interrupt practice several times on this account, Prost drily asked Roland Bruynseraede, 'If Nigel has to come in during the race will you show a brown flag? ~ Sid Watkins

Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Well, Watson, what do you make of it?'
Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no sign of my occupation.
'How did you know what I was doing? I believe you have eyes in the back of your head.'
'I have, at least, a well-polished, silver-plated coffee-pot in front of me', said he. ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

The more you read, the less you sound foolish when you speak. ~ Amit Kalantri

None of us like to think we are silly. But all must acknowledge that they are capable of silliness, from time to time ~ Jude Morgan

She was tempted to take the elevator instead of the stairs just this once. But that was how it started. Take the elevator tonight because she was tired and her feet hurt from having been trapped in three-inch stilettos all day, and then tomorrow she'd want to take it because she was running late. Then, the next thing she knew she'd be taking elevators all over the place because she got winded climbing stairs. ~ Melissa F. Miller

Once you realize that the vast majority of people see and know very little, you will rarely be affected when someone speaks ill or well of you. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Carpe Rectum. Seize the hot ass the good Lord has provided. ~ Valerie Z. Lewis