Real Funny Quotes

I reached to push my hair out of my eyes, finding someone had tied a knot it in. My face screwed up in anger as I realized it was a HAPA knot. Real funny. ~ Kim Harrison

Swimming gave me my start, but my pal Tarzan did the real work. He set me up nicely. ~ Johnny Weissmuller

Just as Drake turned six weeks old, I decided I wanted to lose some baby weight. Chip and I were both still getting used to the idea that we had a baby of our own now, but I felt it was okay to leave him with Chip for a half hour or so in the mornings so I could take a short run up and down Third Street. I left Drake in the little swing he loved, kissed Chip good-bye, and off I went.
Chip was so sweet and supportive. When I got back he was standing in the doorway saying, "Way to go, baby!" He handed me a banana and asked if I'd had any cramps or anything. I hadn't. I actually felt great.
I walked in and discovered Chip had prepared an elaborate breakfast for me, as if I'd run a marathon or something. I hadn't done more than a half-mile walk-run, but he wanted to celebrate the idea that I was trying to get myself back together physically. He'd actually driven to the store and back and bought fresh fruit and real maple syrup and orange juice for me.
I sat down to eat, and I looked over at Drake. He was sound asleep in his swing, still wearing nothing but his diaper. "Chip, did you take Drake to the grocery store without any clothes on?"
Chip gave me a real funny look. He said, "What?"
I gave him a funny look back.
"Oh my gosh," he said. "I totally forgot Drake was here. He was so quiet."
"Chip!" I yelled, totally freaked out.
I was a first-time mom. Can you imagine?
Anyone who's met Chip knows he can get a little sidetracked, but th ~ Joanna Gaines

The real funny thing is, whether the demons exist or not at all in your life, it's nothing to do whether you believe or not to one, none nor both of them. ~ Toba Beta

We're not resuscitating a snowman, are we?"
"Real funny, Doc." She gave him a playful sideways glance.
"Good, because I'm pretty sure defibrillators and melted snow are not a good mix. ~ Nancy Naigle

From Time for College - Mr. Chiardi & Other Stories

It was time for Junior to go to college. He'd sprouted pubic hair and was eyeing all the girls.
"I want to go to college," he said.
"Yes," I replied, "It's time."
His mother, my wife, was resigned to the fact that it was time for Junior to leave the nest. She sat on a stool at the granite kitchen counter, spiked coffee beside her, reading The New York Times. She looked almost real. ~ Rita Buckley Aka Charles Maxwell

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies. ~ Wanda Sykes

For a long time, I refused to wear jeans. I liked high-waisted pants, but jeans made me feel like I wasn't being unique. Even now, I won't wear the skinny-jeans style, because most people wear those - they have to be baggier, boyfriend-looking, or sort of like a mom jean. I'm real funny that way. ~ Elle Fanning

It's sad and upsetting when you see somebody crying hysterically, but at the same time it's real funny. ~ Seth Green

Well, the clothes are really cool that we wear. The sets are so funny, because it's like everything is so real. ~ Laura Prepon

Some people have lives; some people have music. ~ John Green

It's a funny thing about Hollywood. Once you've been out here awhile, it's hard to go someplace else, and it gets harder the longer you stay here. Takes some real propulsion to make you leave. ~ Pamela Moore

The old masters said if you met another Buddha on the road, you should kill him. All reality is an illusion: if you think you've found the incarnation of enlightenment, destroy that illusion on the spot. But the real world is real. Therefore, if you meet a bandit on the road, you should kill him. Anyone who seeks to make a bad world worse is a monster and an alien. ~ Edward W. Robertson

It's a funny thing, now; I very often think of my poor wife, but I cannot think of her very much at any one time." "Often, but a little at a time, like poor old Swann," became one of my grandfather's favourite phrases, which he would apply to all kinds of things. ~ Marcel Proust

Basically people who love horror movies are people with boring lives. They want to be stimulated, and they need to reassure themselves, because when a really scary movie is over, you're reassured to see that you're still alive and the world still exists as it did before. That's the real reason we have horror films - they act as shock absorbers - and if they disappeared altogether it would mean losing one of the few ways we have to ease the anxiety of the imagination. And I bet you'd see a big leap in the number of serial killers and mass murderers. After all, anyone stupid enough to get the idea of murdering people from a movie could get the same idea from watching the news, right? ~ Ryu Murakami

I'm a piece of shit," she finally mumbled, not lifting her head.
"Nonsense." In a practiced movement, I parted her hair, dividing each half into three sections near her crown. "You smell much better than shit. ~ Shelby Mahurin

It often happens that the real tragedies of life occur in such
an inartistic manner that they hurt us by their crude violence, their
absolute incoherence, their absurd want of meaning, their entire lack
of style. They affect us just as vulgarity affects us. They give us
an impression of sheer brute force, and we revolt against that.
Sometimes, however, a tragedy that possesses artistic elements of
beauty crosses our lives. If these elements of beauty are real, the
whole thing simply appeals to our sense of dramatic effect. Suddenly
we find that we are no longer the actors, but the spectators of the
play. Or rather we are both. We watch ourselves, and the mere wonder
of the spectacle enthralls us. ~ Oscar Wilde

That's what artists and athletes do day in and day out. Whether you see them at work or not the process is ongoing. They are working to achieve their heart's desire to either enlighten or entertain anyone who cares to watch or listen. Some of them achieve glory but others just do it because they love to and they are driven to.

When something, anything, interferes with that desire, their sense of self is jeopardized and they have to struggle to hang on to their identity. That's the real cost involved in producing a painting, writing a novel, or hitting over .300 for the season. ~ Richard Marcus

He isn't a real boss until he has trained subordinates to shoulder most of his responsibilities. ~ William Feather

I agree," Skyler replied. "There's nothing funny about it." He pointed to
the cottage. "The house is unoccupied; we have permanent residents
looking for a place to stay." He held up both hands. "What's the problem?"

"The problem?" Ella asked, with a raised eyebrow. "I think the problem
is six-foot tall, has black hair, green eyes and the ability to kick your ass
across Salvador. ~ S.F. Mazhar

Funny, reely," he said. "You spend your whole life goin' to school and learnin' stuff, and they never tell you about stuff like the Bermuda Triangle and UFOs and all these Old Masters running around the inside of the Earth. Why do we have to learn boring stuff when there's all this brilliant stuff we could be learnin', that's what I want to know. ~ Terry Pratchett

The term physical is just kinda like an honorific word, kinda like the word 'real' when we say 'the real truth'. It doesn't add anything, it just says 'this is serious truth'. So to say that something is 'physical' today just means 'you gotta take this seriously'. ~ Noam Chomsky

You can't have real pain without real love. You can't feel grief and loss and hurt without real love. Love is the only way you can ever be really hurt deep down. ~ Katherine Applegate

And where are the other gentry that were taken? - the real leaders of this plaguey rebellion. Grey's case explains their absence, I think. They are wealthy men that can ransom themselves. Here awaiting the gallows are none but the unfortunates who followed; those who had the honor to lead them go free. It's a curious and instructive reversal of the usual way of things. Faith, it's an uncertain world entirely! ~ Rafael Sabatini

That's my dream. It's always the same. Always. Every little detail. And every time I have it, it's just as scary as the last.
(…)
It's so real, I feel as if I've already died hundreds of times. ~ Haruki Murakami

Valentine
my friends stitched it up with golden thread
like a red
satin pillow they gave me other whole ones too
roses and charms and red candles
milagros to repair the real one
they told me i was no longer allowed to give it away
a pretty pin cushion
a piece of mexican folk art
a hundred beating poems left unanswered
like a thing to wear around the neck
they said you must heal we will protect you
but i sat weeping at the computer forging ahead anyway
with the small stitched thing struggling in my chest
it knew that it had needed to be torn
so that it could recognize and receive the hundred kindnesses
traveling across three thousand miles at the speed of light
a storm of petals and beautiful words and tiny hearts to keep it
company ~ Francesca Lia Block

so funny. The sun was shining into part of ~ Joseph Jacobs

You know, I think I understand what you're like now. You're very beautiful and you think men are only interested in you because you're beautiful. But you want them to be interested in you because you're you. The problem is, aside from all that beauty, you're not very interesting. You're rude, you're hostile, you're sullen, you're withdrawn ... oh, I know- you want someone to look past all that at the real person underneath. But the only reason anyone would bother to look past all that is because you're beautful. Ironic, isn't it? In an odd way you're your own problem. ~ Jack Nicholson

In the end countries, like people, are alone, and the real things that must be done have to be done without help. ~ Nayantara Sahgal

Seek the truth, not what is comfortable. Seek the real, not the easy. ~ Gerald May

Real loneliness was a smeary red: the color of the taillights of the car ahead of you reflected on wet hot-top in a driving rain. ~ Stephen King

Books were things not as complicated and unsatisfying as real life. ~ Akhil Sharma

The last person they expected to connect with a screenplay was the comedic, blonde actress with the funny voice. ~ Joey Lauren Adams

How does it feel to be a real princess?" Cinder flinched. The chip tumbled off her finger and she barely caught it. "So far it's not nearly as fun as one would imagine. What were you saying about having too much power and responsibility and feeling like you're going to let everyone down? Because that all sounded pretty familiar. ~ Marissa Meyer

If there is a real desire, if the thing desired is really light, the desire for light produces it. There is a real desire when there is an effort of attention. It is really light that is desired if all other incentives are absent. ~ Simone Weil

Peace is a time when people can tell each other their real names ~ Chris Cleave

Jus hold me a little longer, Jack. Tell me again that ya wanna be with me, fer real, cross yer heart 'n' let me know you ain't foolin', cause I dunno how or when it happen but somehow I come ta need ya like air, like blood. Touch me again like ya do with them gentle hands make me feel like somethin' precious. Say it again that ya love me, cause hearin' that was like openin' up some big bottomless well that ran dry years back and it cain't never be full enough now, I cain't never hear it enough, but once more, one more time and maybe I'll believe it a little more, and then a little more the next time, till someday I believe it fer true enough ta be able to say it back ta you like y'oughta hear it said cause God knows I love you more'n my own life, more'n anythin' in this world, but it cain't get outta me yet cause I still ain't the man I need ta be, the man who's gonna stand before you and declare. ~ Jane Seville

It seems to me that, very strikingly here, is borne out the general acceptance that ours is only an intermediate existence, in which there is nothing fundamental, or nothing final to take as a positive standard to judge by. Peasants believed in meteorites. Scientists excluded meteorites. Peasants believe in "thunderstones." Scientists exclude "thunderstones." It is useless to argue that peasants are out in the fields, and that scientists are shut up in laboratories and lecture rooms. We cannot take for a real base that, as to phenomena with which they are more familiar, peasants are more likely to be right than are scientists: a host of biologic and meteorologic fallacies of peasants rises against us. ~ Charles Fort

The big ballpark can do it all! ~ Jerry Coleman

This ... this ... thing?"
"A parsnip?" Jem suggested
"A parsnip planted in satan's own garden," said Will. He glanced about. "I dont suppose there's a dog I could feed it to?"
"There dont seem to be any pets about," Jem-who loved animals, even the inglorious and ill-tempered Church-observed.
"Probably all poisened by parsnips," said Will. ~ Cassandra Clare

Please don't think that I am one of those squishy types who can't handle reality. I have plenty of real-world things to deal with all the time. I have deadlines, meetings, I answer the phone, I get turned down, I wait in lines and am forced to pass for normal all the time. ~ Henry Rollins

Brains don't really smell, but what's amazing about the brain is that it's almost like scrambled eggs or soft tofu, almost like a gel. The brain controls so much of what we do, but you could put your finger right through it. ~ Ellen Pompeo

The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. ~ John Eldredge

She's always rehearsing, having imaginary conversations in her head that preempt real encounters ~ Susie Steiner

Dog love is blind. For that matter, dog love is stupid. ~ Rob Sheffield

Hopefully with each thing that you do you're learning something, you're growing, and you're pushing yourself a little harder in some way or another. So I think you'd be in real trouble if each new thing that you create didn't feel like 'Oh, wow. I feel like I'm doing something a little different this time.' ~ Rian Johnson

Myths tend to spiral out of control. Do you howl at the full moon and steal maidens to devour?"
"Depends on the maiden," he said.
Was he flirting with me? Devouring didn't really go with flirting, but his tone of voice did. Was this how werewolves flirted? Hey, baby, if I had to kill any girl and eat her flesh, it would be you ...
clean sweep ~ Ilona Andrews

But if we are not given his real name, then he does not have one. ~ Terry Eagleton

In a nursery, if you don't take care of those plants, your profits get lost real quickly. You have to weed. You have to water. You have to nurture. Also, you have to take care of your employees in such a way that they do the same. ~ Jack Dangermond

I get really nervous if pigeons are flying around before shows. I can't stand them after one once flew in through my bathroom window and went for me while I was having a wee. That was enough. I think pigeons target me. ~ Niall Horan

Back in the day, we ate fresh; our parents cooked. Now, we're starting to think things are fresh because they're in a can, they're in a box, or they're frozen. That's not fresh. It's difficult to get real fresh. ~ Kym Whitley

My concern is the really great concepts that are features, not companies. There isn't enough advertising to support all those features, and in compression times, advertisers tend to flock to safe names and sites that have real traction. ~ Ross Levinsohn

Just by writing this story, I thought that I am the real monster, I had the feeling that I am doing it.... it was just awful! ~ Deyth Banger

I may just have one or two of your favorite films waiting downstairs for you. We could even order some pizza and dine in style. Is it a date?"

"A real date! I accept!" I almost squealed, and then, trying to dampen my enthusiasm, continued, "Only since you claim you'll be such boring company, of course. Otherwise I'd be fine just sitting here, staring into your eyes all night."

Vincent paused, looking at me suspiciously for a second, and then, grinning, asked, "Sarcasm?"

"Yes," I laughed. "You're pretty quick for an old guy."

"Damn, and I thought I had finally found a true romantic," ~ Amy Plum

I like the idea of being out there regularly with an audience and with a funny gang of people. That's what I grew up with - doing television, doing shows every week. ~ Eric Idle

It's a common part of the narrative of the history of Christianity that it was 'real' religion that involved real spirituality and real faith, and that's why it's completely superseded the more pagan polytheistic practices. ~ Ann Leckie

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I wanted a real profession. And I'd always been interested in architecture and in design and in, really, what makes things work. And understanding what's kind of behind the walls and why things stand up and some things don't. ~ S.J. Rozan

Concerts every night, autograph signings, endorsements, and so on. That's not what real life is about. ~ Vanilla Ice