Politcal Humor Quotes

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil. ~ Molly Harper

Because you're a girl and when a girl says she's fine, she's lying. ~ J.A. George

If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut. ~ Lois Greiman

He was a glass half full kind of person and she was ... what? The glass is going to break before you can even pour kind of person. Yikes. ~ Erin McCarthy

I got out of my car, locked it tight as a virgin, and entered his back seat, where a Milky Way wrapper greeted me on the floor, a burnt cigarette mark greeted me on the seat, and the overpowering scent of upholstery cleaner nearly did me in. ~ Robert Downs

I believe you to be Filidor Vesh," said the dwarf.

"You are entitled to your beliefs, however ill-founded," Filidor replied. "No doubt you will wish to search further for this Vesh, rather than impose your presence upon a man called hence by urgent affairs."

The dwarf transferred his grip from Filidor's mantle to his arm. His gaze swept quickly over the young man's features. "This belief is supported by the evidence, since you answer to a point the description furnished me."

"You are plainly the dupe of some prankster, who abuses the dignity of your years by sending you on a fool's errand," said Filidor. "Were I you, I would seek out the rascal and thrash him. ~ Matthew Hughes

As you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs ... ~ Marian Keyes

Godfrey's wife Charmian sat with her eyes closed, attempting to put her thoughts into alphabetical order which Godfrey had told her was better than no order at all, since she now had grasp of neither logic nor chronology. ~ Muriel Spark

You're tougher than you think, or we wouldn't be such great friends. You need to snap out of it, Will." She snaps her fingers. "You, me - we don't belong here in your head."
"My head?"
"Ask yourself why you'd have me here, besides the fact that I'm awesome. I do what?" Her eyebrow raises.
I search and say the natural response: "Tell it like it is?"
She nods.
Ding ding ding. I'm winning the fair prize if I can just complete the puzzle. ~ Mira Monroe

His laugh and his voice were both pleasant. He talked the way New Yorkers used to talk before they learned to talk Flatbush. ~ Raymond Chandler

When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat. ~ Daven Anderson

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape. ~ Bob Saget

She looked genuinely confused. "I…I don't know. He just seems so sweet and out of place. I guess I feel sorry for him. Kinda like a lost puppy."

"Great, well, can you just take him home with you then? I'm allergic. ~ Christy Wulff

Two- to four-finger waves are commonly used between fast-moving vehicles, but the nicely executed single-finger wave is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. To me, it perfectly sums up the Minnesota character that I love so much. The finger wave from the steering wheel: when you get it right, you'll know you've arrived and you don't ever have to leave again if you don't want to. ~ Howard Mohr

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Ah, dear Reader, is there a married man living who hasn't purged his drawers and closets of premarital memorabilia, only to have one more incriminating relic from yester-life rear its lovely head? Kristy contends that old flames never die, not completely. They smolder for years in hidden places. They flare up again just when you think you're over them. They can burn you if you don't deal with them. Such is the price I've had to pay for not rooting out the evidence of my life B.C. (Before Contentment). Or, perhaps, for having planted it too well.
But that, you see, is no longer an issue. Shall I tell you the crux of this argument? A man with a past can be forgiven. A man without one cannot be trusted. If there were no pictures in my drawer for Kirsty to uncover, I would have had to produce some. ~ Ted Gargiulo

My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can. ~ Cary Grant

Nick Nelson was first brandished with the moniker "the last of the nice guys" after leaving a pickup basketball game in 6th grade to help an elderly lady he didn't know, carry her groceries 17 blocks to her house. ~ Matt Micros

When you're older, no matter how good your humor is you don't always feel perky and peppy. But if you sit home all day and brood about it, it gets worse. ~ Iris Apfel

.My middle name is actually Noel."
"So what's your first then?" From her expression, he was almost afraid to ask.
Noel bit her bottom lip. "Christmas. ~ Katie Reus

Life is hard and then we die! ~ Barbara Johnson

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail ... '
No, you won't.'
We will,' stated the robot simply.
No, you won't. It makes my ship work.'
In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail ... '
You will not,' said Zaphod.
And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.'
Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?'
No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.'
Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun.
Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him.
Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86) ~ Douglas Adams

Clear skin, a manicure, a couple dead zombies, and then fame! ~ Faith McKay

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you? ~ Groucho Marx

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding? ... Noooo ... as funny as that is, I'm not ~ Ellen DeGeneres

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy. ~ Lois Greiman

I ink, therefore I ham. ~ Pat Alvarado

( ... ) You cruel creature, little mite of a thing with a heart the size of a fullstop. ~ James Joyce

Yes, I'm shallow, I don't mind admitting it. Perhaps I should admit that there's no end to the depths of my shallowness. ~ Franny Billingsley

"I don't doubt tall, dark, and seriously cute had a vision, but I'm still going to wait for Kit's call on this one."
"Did she just call me cute?" Corey said.
Hayley turned on Tori. "Did you just flirt with my boyfriend?"
"Boyfriend?" Corey said.
"Are you coming?" I asked Corey. "Or staying to flirt back?"
"Bossy, isn't she?" Tori said.
"Yeah, I think it's hot," Corey said with a grin. ~ Kelley Armstrong

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it. ~ Bill Hicks

I'll do anything to be good for you, Tate."
"Anything, baby," I promised.
"Anything?" she laughed out, her eyes bright with happiness and love.
"Have you ever considered a nipple piercing? ~ Penelope Douglas

Even Sally wound't want to cross fans with the Dowager Duchess of Dovedale. The woman had a tongue of steel and drank the blood of young virgins for breakfast. ~ Lauren Willig

Clearly, I'm a genius at picking boyfriends. In my defense, have you seen what there is to choose from? The sea is big, but the fish are scraggly, immature, and obsessed with video games. ~ Nicole Christie

Well, we were always going to fail that one, said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up and realize he had been describing the examiner's reflection. ~ J.K. Rowling