British Humor Quotes

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Quotes About British Humor

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Rook Thomas, you look different somehow."
"Well, I recently got the shit kicked out of me," she said.
"Ah, that would be it then. ~ Daniel O'Malley
British Humor quotes by Daniel O'Malley
What good is it, being two stranded British fops in the heart of America, if we don't announce it on Halloween by wearing enormous fuzzy hats for the purpose of our humiliation? ~ Red Tash
British Humor quotes by Red Tash
The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment's reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication. ~ W. Somerset Maugham
British Humor quotes by W. Somerset Maugham
Emily's ginger brows were knit tight, the edges of each almost meeting over the bridge of her pert nose. You know I will, you daft baggage. As if we have any other option. ~ Kady Cross
British Humor quotes by Kady Cross
There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip. ~ Stephen Fry
British Humor quotes by Stephen Fry
There were the years - years of childhood and innocence - when I had believed that carminative meant - well, carminative. And now, before me lies the rest of my life - a day, perhaps, ten years, half a century, when I shall know that carminative means windtreibend. ~ Aldous Huxley
British Humor quotes by Aldous Huxley
Of the seminal moments in my life, Careers Day in the autumn of Year 5 is my favorite. Everyone had to dress as whatever they wanted to be once they grew up. I had gone in a tweed jacket and a bow tie, and when Miss Weston asked me what I wanted to be, I told her that I wanted to be the Doctor.

'Shouldn't you be wearing a lab coat and stethoscope like Paul?' She pointed to Paul Black, who was trying to strangle everyone with the stethoscope in question.

Before I could answer, a boy I didn't know from the other class spoke up.

'Paul's *a* doctor,' he explained, giving me a look of approval. 'He wants to be *the* Doctor.'

'Who?'

'Exactly,' we said at the same time, relieved that she understood.

She didn't. We were sent to the quiet table to reflect on why cheeking teachers was wrong. ~ Non Pratt
British Humor quotes by Non Pratt
Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake.. ~ Diane Samuels
British Humor quotes by Diane Samuels
It was Andrew realized, not because of tension or nervousness, but purely because of the pulse of her heart, and suddenly he was gripped by possibility once again, that as long as there was that movement in someone, there was capacity to love and now his heart was beating faster and faster as if the power of the river were pushing blood through his veins, urging him to act. He felt Peggy stir, "So", she said, the faintest of tremors in her voice, "Quick question. With scones...do you go with jam or cream first?" Andrew considered the question. "I'm not sure it really matters..." He said. "Not in the grand scheme of things. " And then he leaned across, took Peggy's face in his hands, and kissed her. ~ Richard Roper
British Humor quotes by Richard Roper
It is Sunday afternoon, preferably before the war. The wife is already asleep in the armchair, and the children have been sent out for a nice long walk. You put your feet up on the sofa, settle your spectacles on your nose, and open the News of the World. Roast beef and Yorkshire, or roast pork and apple sauce, followed up by suet pudding and driven home, as it were, by a cup of mahogany-brown tea, have put you in just the right mood. Your pipe is drawing sweetly, the sofa cushions are soft underneath you, the fire is well alight, the air is warm and stagnant. In these blissful circumstances, what is it that you want to read about?
Naturally, about a murder. ~ George Orwell
British Humor quotes by George Orwell
The German pilot had come up and was standing by smiling as Mr. Parker Pyne finished answering a long interrogation which he had not understood.
"What have I said?" he asked of the German
"That your father's Christian name is Tourist, that your profession is Charles, that the maiden name of your mother is Baghdad, and that you have come from Harriet. ~ Agatha Christie
British Humor quotes by Agatha Christie
Henry Denton: You Brits really don't have a sense of humor do you?
Elsie: We do if something's funny, sir. ~ Julian Fellowes
British Humor quotes by Julian Fellowes
Elegant presents soon followed. Leather luggage for Jesse's travels and a lovely mink-lined coat to keep her warm in the 'abominable British weather.' It is a country 'only a Druid could love,' Maharet wrote. ~ Anne Rice
British Humor quotes by Anne Rice
Godfrey's wife Charmian sat with her eyes closed, attempting to put her thoughts into alphabetical order which Godfrey had told her was better than no order at all, since she now had grasp of neither logic nor chronology. ~ Muriel Spark
British Humor quotes by Muriel Spark
Cats. You can't live with them, and the fur's too thin for a rug. ~ Mercedes Lackey
British Humor quotes by Mercedes Lackey
Never back the Praesi in a corner, son. That's when the devil-summoning starts, and it's all downhill from there."
-King Jehan of Callow, addressing the future King Pater the Unheeding ~ ErraticErrata
British Humor quotes by ErraticErrata
Do lawyers read poetry? ~ Kestral M. Gaian
British Humor quotes by Kestral M. Gaian
Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us. ~ Jean Rostand
British Humor quotes by Jean Rostand
Yes, he is a man, so genetically he's engineered to be dense about many things, but he's not stupid. ~ Katie MacAlister
British Humor quotes by Katie MacAlister
Over there!"
"Where?" Enna asked in mock panic "Do you see something? ~ Shannon Hale
British Humor quotes by Shannon Hale
What happened now? he would ask
another man thoroughly exhausted by me. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
British Humor quotes by Elizabeth Gilbert
I am nothing if not misanthropic," declared Sebastian.
"I think you mean philanthropic," said Henry.
"God, you are so perdantic."
"That would be pedantic."
"See! You're even perdantic about the word perdantic. ~ Kevin Ansbro
British Humor quotes by Kevin Ansbro
She studied his clothes, his top hat. "And you've just come from Parliament? How are you finding that?"
"It's much like piracy. You tell your enemies that if they don't fall in line, you'll leave them to die. ~ Meljean Brook
British Humor quotes by Meljean Brook
Growing up in a family of gamblers, daredevils and practical jokers, I've learned a lot about timing and its first cousin, dumb luck, concepts I was introduced to while still in the womb. ~ Toby Speed
British Humor quotes by Toby Speed
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer. ~ Frank Carson
British Humor quotes by Frank Carson
Overheard at O'Banion's Beer Emporium: "Pardon me, darlin', but I'm writin' a telephone book. C'n I have yer number? ~ Henry D. Spalding
British Humor quotes by Henry D. Spalding
Anna Chapman was born Anna Vasil'yevna Kushchyenko, in Volgograd, formally Stalingrad, Russia, an important Russian industrial city. During the Battle of Stalingrad in World War II, the city became famous for its resistance against the German Army. As a matter of personal history, I had an uncle, by marriage that was killed in this battle. Many historians consider the battle of Stalingrad the largest and bloodiest battle in the history of warfare.
Anna earned her master's degree in economics in Moscow. Her father at the time was employed by the Soviet embassy in Nairobi, Kenya, where he allegedly was a senior KGB agent. After her marriage to Alex Chapman, Anna became a British subject and held a British passport. For a time Alex and Anna lived in London where among other places, she worked for Barclays Bank. In 2009 Anna Chapman left her husband and London, and moved to New York City, living at 20 Exchange Place, in the Wall Street area of downtown Manhattan. In 2009, after a slow start, she enlarged her real-estate business, having as many as 50 employees. Chapman, using her real name worked in the Russian "Illegals Program," a group of sleeper agents, when an undercover FBI agent, in a New York coffee shop, offered to get her a fake passport, which she accepted. On her father's advice she handed the passport over to the NYPD, however it still led to her arrest.
Ten Russian agents including Anna Chapman were arrested, after having been observed for years, on char ~ Hank Bracker
British Humor quotes by Hank Bracker
Ambulances were cool. "You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts," I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn't leave someone's life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn't alien-probe his orifices. ~ Darynda Jones
British Humor quotes by Darynda Jones
What odd chaps you painters are! You do anything in the world to gain a reputation. As soon as you have one, you seem to want to throw it away. It is silly of you, for there is only one thing in the world worse than begin talked about, and that is not being talked about. A portrait like this would set you far above all the young men in England, and make the old men jealous, if old men are ever capable of any emotion. ~ Oscar Wilde
British Humor quotes by Oscar Wilde
The lamp tipped over, nailing Kane in the head.
Sabin shook his head. The man was a walking disaster Literally. Whenever Kane stepped into a room, things went to hell pretty quickly. Sabin expected the ceiling to cave in any moment. And yea, it had happened before. ~ Gena Showalter
British Humor quotes by Gena Showalter
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? ~ Steven Wright
British Humor quotes by Steven Wright
When I was 13, listening to Choice FM, I would listen to a lot of R&B from America, and whenever a British person tried to do it, it didn't really work, they just sounded like they were trying to copy that whole style. Now the music sounds British, something real rather than an imitation. ~ Katy B
British Humor quotes by Katy B
The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh ... I ... oh ... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir ... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them. ~ Eddie Izzard
British Humor quotes by Eddie Izzard
And that is why You do not trifle with the Master of the Domain. ~ Sherry Thomas
British Humor quotes by Sherry Thomas
Nothing changes everything. ~ Jonathan Marcus
British Humor quotes by Jonathan  Marcus
But there's no doubt that children have an innate sense of humor. No matter how young they are, they always know when something's really funny. ~ Tetsuko Kuroyanagi
British Humor quotes by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi
My imagination was running amok again. Twice in one night. This never happens when I'm sitting in front of a typewriter. ~ Gary Reilly
British Humor quotes by Gary Reilly
You have a nice day, you hear? ~ Charlaine Harris
British Humor quotes by Charlaine Harris
Lessons can be learned from each and every movie in the series. Like take this lasting and most important lesson from Return of the Jedi: If you ever have the option, always, always wear a gold bikini. Trust me, I know, I've done it once or twice. ~ Olivia Munn
British Humor quotes by Olivia Munn
Pay attention to me. ~ Sally Quinn
British Humor quotes by Sally Quinn
What you're saying is this spider, with a brain the size of strawberry seed, hid in your car with its face covered to avoid being gassed by insect spray." He stood in front of me, laughing, peering down into my eyes. "And then, when the fumes dispersed, he set about plotting revenge. Once he'd come up with his plan, he exited your car and, even though he didn't see which direction you went in, he found the front door because he knew you were inside this house." Biting down on his bottom lip, Ric smirked. "Don't you think, if he was as smart as all that, he'd have worn a mask before he ran out from under visor so you couldn't recognise him on your doormat? ~ Zathyn Priest
British Humor quotes by Zathyn Priest
. In gym, she would purposely get on the opposite team of me and since we were still doing dodge ball; she would try to hit me. This brings us to one of the only things I understood from my brother and dad when they were explaining stuff to me: I now had quicker reflexes thanks to the awakened shifter gene. She couldn't hit me even if the ball got launched by a canon.
Well, maybe not a canon, but something that would launch it pretty fast. ~ Sara Massa
British Humor quotes by Sara Massa
Currently, it was leading him through a neighborhood that was on the downside of whatever curve you hoped you'd bought your property on the upside of. Graffiti and garbage were everywhere here. They were everywhere in the city, if it came to that, but elsewhere the garbage was better quality, and the graffiti was close to being correctly spelled. The whole area was waiting for something to happen, like a really bad fire. ~ Terry Pratchett
British Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
Kill first, ask questions of the corpse later ~ G.A. Aiken
British Humor quotes by G.A. Aiken
Almost everyone stopped when he did, but Enaila and Jalani exchanged glances and kept on right past him toward the garden. He raised his voice a fraction and hardened it considerably more. "The Maidens here will come with me. Anyone who wants to put on a dress and discuss matchmaking can stay behind."
..................................
Bashere motioned, and one of the younger Saldaeans loped ahead in that rolling stride of a man more used to a saddle. "A man must know when to retreat from a woman," Bashere said to the air, "but a wise man knows that sometimes he must stand and face her."

"Young men," Bael said indulgently. "A young man chases shadows and runs from moonlight, and in the end he stabs himself in the foot with his own spear." Some of the other Aiel chuckled, Maidens and Knife Hands alike. The older ones did.

Irritated, Rand looked over his shoulder again. "Neither of you would look well in a dress." Surprisingly, the Maidens and Knife Hands laughed again, more loudly. Maybe he was getting a grip on Aiel humor. ~ Robert Jordan
British Humor quotes by Robert Jordan
We must, we must, we must increase our bust. ~ Judy Blume
British Humor quotes by Judy Blume
Let's go inside before a Sector-hopping horde of hungry flervers smells your fear and zeroes in on us from across the galaxy."
"Don't make fun of me."
I put my hand over my heart. "I would never."
Tess's scowl didn't fool me. The humor in her eyes told the real story. "They'll eat you first. More muscle."
"If it keeps you alive, I'm happy to sacrifice my biceps. ~ Amanda Bouchet
British Humor quotes by Amanda Bouchet
When I think of antiquity, the detail that frightens me is that those hundreds of millions of slaves on whose backs civilization rested generation after generation have left behind them no record whatever. We do not even know their names. In the whole of Greek and Roman history, how many slaves' names are known to you? I can think of two, or possibly three. One is Spartacus and the other is Epictetus. Also, in the Roman room at the British Museum there is a glass jar with the maker's name inscribed on the bottom, 'FELIX FECIT'. I have a mental picture of poor Felix (a Gaul with red hair and a metal collar round his neck), but in fact he may not have been a slave; so there are only two slaves whose names I definitely know, and probably few people can remember more. The rest have gone down into utter silence. ~ George Orwell
British Humor quotes by George Orwell
The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts. ~ Lois Greiman
British Humor quotes by Lois Greiman
With only sixty men to hold off four hundred Americans, the British commander of the redoubt, a Major Campbell, surrendered to Laurens. Afterward, when an unhinged captain from New Hampshire threatened Campbell with his bayonet, Hamilton stepped between them, because rules were rules. ~ Sarah Vowell
British Humor quotes by Sarah Vowell
Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get one perfect rose. ~ Dorothy Parker
British Humor quotes by Dorothy Parker
Mark Twain describes how his friend Ralph Keeler introduced him at the start of a lecture: 'I don't know anything about this man. At least I know only two things; one is, he hasn't been in the penitentiary, and the other is (after a pause, and almost sadly), I don't know why. ~ Mark Twain
British Humor quotes by Mark Twain
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. ~ Milton Jones
British Humor quotes by Milton Jones
Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ... ~ Roberto Hogue
British Humor quotes by Roberto Hogue
Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue. ~ Rick Riordan
British Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon. Hagrid seized his pink umbrella and whirled it over his head "NEVER -" he thundered "- INSULT -ALBUS -DUMBLEDORE - IN - FRONT - OF - ME! ~ J.K. Rowling
British Humor quotes by J.K. Rowling
New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it. ~ Neil Simon
British Humor quotes by Neil Simon
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