Oh The Humor Quotes

Christ on a cracker, he's pretty. ~ Christina Lauren

Confused? At a loss for what to do? Wow, sounds like you're human. Good luck. ~ The Nightvale Podcast

Doing anything for the holidays? Joe asked me. We were stopped at a traffic light that was generally acknowledged to be the slowest traffic light in Merrick. Whole days would pass and this traffic light would stay red. Kingdoms rose and fell, presidential administrations came and went, and the light obstinately refused to change. ~ James Siegel

Look at the world and think about a catastrophic disaster where the cell phone towers went dead. How would you ever be able to 'TEXT your next door neighbor to see if they were okay ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

By the time I had finished my coffee and returned to the streets, the rain had temporarily abated, but the streets were full of vast puddles where the drains where unable to cope with the volume of water. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you would think that if one nation ought by now to have mastered the science of drainage, Britain would be it. ~ Bill Bryson

As you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs ... ~ Marian Keyes

Cooper grinned at me. "So, are you going to see me off at the airport? Stand in the terminal lounge, staring out the window, waiting for my plane to take off?"
I snorted. "Um, no. I was going to drop you off at the departure terminal so I didn't have to get a parking spot."
He gaped and narrowed his eyes. "When you get home, do me a favour and Google the word chivalry," he said flatly. "It's spelled c-h-i-v - "
"Shut up," I said with a laugh.
"Or even look up the definition of 'nice boyfriend'. I'm pretty sure it says 'does not drop off loved one at terminal gate' or 'does not tell boyfriend to shut up'. ~ N.R. Walker

Or you can fake your own death," Bill suggested.
"Because really, that's the most cathartic resolution - if all your friends and family think you're dead. Everyone cries, they have a little rant about all your potential going to waste, they put on a memorial service and you can hide and see who bothers to come - and if you're really lucky, they bury an empty coffin. When they couldn't even be bothered to spot you a twenty 'til payday. You know how much booze you could buy for the cost of a single coffin? ~ Jordan Castillo Price

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote. ~ Steven Wright

The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato. ~ Bauvard

Albatrosses and penguins are the last birds I'd want to murder. ~ Bruce Chatwin

Evelyn was followed in by a sour-faced woman with long, glamorous dark hair and a stern-looking gentleman in a tuxedo who looked just like Julian, but with less hair. They both looked as though they might buy the auditorium just to burn it to the ground. Even in this crowd they seemed assuredly a cut above the rest. ~ Kristopher Jansma

Welcome... to the Filthy Frank Show. If you're feeling suicidal, you've come to the right place. 'Cause I wanna fucking kill myself as well. ~ George Miller

Reality was one step out of line, a cardigan with the buttons done up wrong. ~ Haruki Murakami

Religions are strange. They seem to be caught in some dream which they won't give up and trying to convince others of the truth of their dream, when in fact each person is having their own dream. Take what you need from the religions and just leave the rest, and be all right with that. ~ Art Hochberg

There is no suggestion box in the Psych Ward. ~ Emilie Autumn

And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it. ~ George W. Bush

Remind me again why I put up with you?
'Cause you sold me your soul for five bucks, and now you must submit to my will?' I still had the sheet of paper, written in his untidy fifth-grade scrawl. Gideon David Belmonte. One soul. ~ Bethany Frenette

Back in my day in the WWF oh.. the WW EEEEE, we had it all. We had Garbage men, we had clowns, we had them all. But we had one thing that was real, and that was me ~ Shawn Michaels

When he wasn't making quirky jokes about his mother like this - it happened more than once - he mainly spoke at me, about his job and about his band, Jettisoned Airplane, an electronic music duo, which had been formed in March, inspired by the plane that had gone missing and not yet been found. ~ Olivia Sudjic

Our interactions were confined to a nod as I settled down into my seat. A few days into our routine and we were like an old married couple
we'd just missed out the honeymoon and skipped straight from flirtation to habit." from "First Impressions ~ Josephine Myles

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. ~ Michael Summers

We write programs not because we understand the syntax but to solve a problem ~ Various

My only companion from the outside world during nineteen years of isolation has been my personal hatred of Thursday Next. It's kind of like the old me suddenly taking over, and I promised myself that this was how I would act if I ever saw you.'
'I have the same thing, but with Tom Stoppard,' I said.
'You'd kill Tom Stoppard?'
'Not at all. I promised myself many years ago that I would throw myself at his feet and scream "I'm not worthy!" if I ever met him, so now if we're ever at the same party or something, I have to be at pains to avoid him. It would be undignified, you see - for him and for me. ~ Jasper Fforde

We are all works in progress, the authors of our own lives. ~ Caroline James

All of the signs we invented growing up and we never invented one for 'he's standing right behind you'? ~ Skye Callahan

Aleks opened his mouth to reassure his friend when he heard something that chilled him to the bone.

"Aleksander Aaron Arkadion! What in the hell is wrong with you! Why are you dragging that mangled corpse through town? You traumatized an entire first-grade class on a field trip to the town center," Ma said, striding up to them pointing down to the body that Aleks still had a hold of.

He looked down at the ankle he was holding.

"Fuck my life." Aleks looked behind his ma at the trail of blood heading back to the ice cream parlor.

Liam laughed, his arms wrapped around his waist holding his sides. ~ Alanea Alder

That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.
You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean ... Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE. ~ James Patterson

Whereas, it is hereby decreed to all felines of the Middle Kingdom: They are enjoined to observe every provision of the judicial codes unless such provisions aforesaid have been abrogated heretofore, though any abrogation is liable to reinstatement at any time whatever and shall be effective retroactively without recourse on behalf of said felines whether or not said felines are presently or will be engaged in litigation. This decree is not susceptible to appeal. ~ Lloyd Alexander

People don't just appear on the beach unless they're demigods or gods or really, really lost pizza delivery guys. (It's happened - but that's another story.) ~ Rick Riordan

Laziness is the first step towards efficiency. ~ Patrick Bennett