Maria Bamford Quotes

In the '90s, comedy was at a very low point, but these days, you've got people like Hannibal Burress, Ron Funches, Maria Bamford - people who can play any club, anywhere. ~ Andy Kindler

Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice. ~ Maria Bamford

I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because that's been said to me. ~ Maria Bamford

I think taking vacations and turning off the phone and only doing emails or social media for a specific short amount of time helps with work/life balance. If I'm checking it all day I start to feel cuckoo-bird. So I just do it once or twice a day instead of a thousand. And then remembering that it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. ~ Maria Bamford

I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat? ~ Maria Bamford

My mom is very structured. She gets up, she does her prayers, and she eats her oatmeal with blueberries and Greek yogurt, and she has her prayer list, and she doesn't worry too much about things. ~ Maria Bamford

I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming. ~ Maria Bamford

I was raised in Duluth, Minnesota, where you never say that you're cold, or that you're suffering, and you listen politely to people, even if you disagree with them completely. Then you say passive-aggressive things later. ~ Maria Bamford

We're all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good. ~ Maria Bamford

If you stay alive for no reason at all, please do it for spite. ~ Maria Bamford

I love support groups, people talking about their feelings. ~ Maria Bamford

When I'm up on stage and do a joke, half the people interpret it one way and half of them interpret it the way I want them to. ~ Maria Bamford

The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can't think of it. ~ Maria Bamford

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others. ~ Maria Bamford

I'd like to create a lovable character for schizophrenia; it doesn't have a celebrity spokesperson because by the time somebody's schizophrenic they've lost all their teeth. ~ Maria Bamford

My mom doesn't post on Facebook, but she'll tell anyone within about the first five minutes of meeting them about my sister and I, in whatever way she can. ~ Maria Bamford

When you're a comedian, you're just by yourself. ~ Maria Bamford

As far as I can tell, comedians are pretty serious people, and that's why they make fun of things all of the time. ~ Maria Bamford

I sleep hard; I dream harder! ~ Maria Bamford

I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities ... but their moods create weather. ~ Maria Bamford

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli. ~ Maria Bamford

Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love! ~ Maria Bamford

I love that vision-board thing where you cut out pictures that resonate with you so they'll manifest. I've done that since I was three; I cut out pictures of ladies from the JCPenney catalog. ~ Maria Bamford

I am a wild orchid of comedy, so I can only do well under specific conditions ... There are people who I think can do any room, and do stadiums and thousand-seat theaters, and then there are people like me who just perform for my parents. ~ Maria Bamford

If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite ~ Maria Bamford

I just saw a clip of Maria Bamford. She has a comedy show that was filmed and performed from her bed - the whole thing supposedly takes place in her bedroom at her parents house in Duluth, MN. I thought it was great and really strange - to have a comedy special without having to leave your bed. ~ Dana Schutz

I'm sort of shy, and Twitter feels like chatting all day with a group. I like to follow people. I'm following Joel Osteen, Steve Martin, and an anonymous purple egg - just to see where they go with it. ~ Maria Bamford

I think you can lose yourself in any creative activity - if you enjoy your job or enjoy a task, you can lose yourself in that. ~ Maria Bamford

I thought that when you have more success that you'd feel more buoyed or feel more confident. But in fact my brain has the gift of switching it around and saying, 'Now people are expecting something. Now you're really going to let people down.' ~ Maria Bamford

I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn't talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It's a completely personal choice. ~ Maria Bamford

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window. ~ Maria Bamford

I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere. ~ Maria Bamford

I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business. ~ Maria Bamford

Time flies when you are anxious! ~ Maria Bamford

I've learned from my pets that it's okay to sit around, and people don't love you any less if you sit around all the time. In fact they might love you more, 'cos they always know where you're always going to be: you're always going to be laying in bed. ~ Maria Bamford

Earth, is not this what you will: in us to rise up invisible? Is it, O Earth, not your dream once to be wholly invisible? Earth! Invisible! What, if not change, is your desperate mission? ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Only he whose bright lyre
has sounded in shadows
may, looking onward, restore
his infinite praise.
Only he who has eaten
poppies with the dead
will not lose ever again
the gentlest chord.
Though the image upon the pool
often grows dim:
Know and be still.
Inside the Double World
all voices become
eternally mild. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

The girl's name was Maria and she had said she was a . . . what? Oral hygienist, was that it? Larry didn't know how much she knew about hygiene, but she was great on oral. ~ Stephan King

Giving children the opportunity to stir up life and leave it free to discover. ~ Maria Montessori

I've often said that great things can happen to you and for you, but if it doesn't happen in you, then the way you view yourself won't change. ~ Maria Durso

Trella! You're here," he said with glee.
"Even though I'm not as smart as you, I do know where I am. ~ Maria V. Snyder

Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Someday you will name me,
then gently place those burning
holy roses in my hair.
[Songs of Longing] ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

The moral of that story, I think, is that being poor will kill you. ~ Carmen Maria Machado

So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

How pointless all human thoughts, words and deeds must be, if things like this are possible! Everything must have been fraudulent and pointless if thousands of years of civilization weren't even able to prevent this river of blood, couldn't stop these torture chambers existing in their hundreds of thousands, ~ Erich Maria Remarque

IN APRIL Again the woods are odorous, the lark Lifts on upsoaring wings the heaven gray That hung above the tree-tops, veiled and dark, Where branches bare disclosed the empty day. After long rainy afternoons an hour Comes with its shafts of golden light and flings Them at the windows in a radiant shower, And rain drops beat the panes like timorous wings. Then all is still. The stones are crooned to sleep By the soft sound of rain that slowly dies; And cradled in the branches, hidden deep In each bright bud, a slumbering silence lies. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I wanted to say two further things to you today: irony: Do not let yourself be governed by it, especially not in unproductive moments. In productive ones try to make use of it as one more means of seizing life. Used purely, it is itself pure, and one need not be ashamed of it; and when you feel too familiar with it, when you fear the growing intimacy with it, then turn towards great and serious subjects, before which it becomes small and helpless. Seek for the depth of things: there irony never descends - and when you have thus brought it to the edge of greatness, test at the same time whether this mode of perception springs from a necessity of your being. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Wall Street wants to keep its schemes too complicated to understand so that the roulette wheel can keep turning. ~ Maria Cantwell

Things were definitely going badly. The night looked like ending in disaster. In one corner of the room Maria Blond had started squabbling with Léa de Horn, whom she accused of sleeping with men who weren't really rich. ~ Emile Zola

You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

When the curtain rises, the only thing that speaks is courage. ~ Maria Callas

You look like hell,' he said to me in a low voice.
'Gee, Dax, don't coat it with honey. Tell me what you really think,' I said. ~ Maria V. Snyder

History : You may only be a House of Royals
without any Historical Tricks to Regain it.
The Religion Of The Blue Circle
Religious Leader Petra Cecilia Maria Hermans
October 31, 2016 ~ Petra Hermans

To know the Truth and stand for more than
The Very Truth : Petra Cecilia Maria Hermans
Religion of Blue Circle
September 6, 2016
Babaji ~ Petra Hermans

Please don't, above all,
plant me in your heart.

I grow too quick. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I had a great fashion season in September so I told my agent that I would really like to walk the 2015 Victoria's Secret fashion show whilst rocking my short Afro hair. ~ Maria Borges

My father never was and isn't a mean man. You know, he never was ruthless. And he succeeded in life without sticking it to anybody. And that's a great example for a man, a strong man, a man's man, to give to his children. You can succeed, you can be successful, without walking over somebody. ~ Maria Shriver

The purpose of life is to obey the hidden command which ensures harmony among all and creates an ever better world. We are not created only to enjoy the world, we are created in order to evolve the cosmos. ~ Maria Montessori

Children are better at feeding monsters than adults are. They don't have the burden of suspicion. ~ Maria Dahvana Headley

I live my life in growing orbits which move out over this wondrous world, I am circling around God, around ancient towers and i have been circling for a thousand years. And I still dont know if I am an eagle or a storm or a great song. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

[During fee negotiations for singing in Vienna:] I'm not interested in money, but it must be more than anyone else gets. ~ Maria Callas

I, I am my own woman. I have not been, quote, 'bred' to look the other way. I look at that man back there in the green room straight on, eyes wide open, and I look at him with an open heart. ~ Maria Shriver

If, one day, a milky portal had opened up in your bedroom and an older version of yourself had stepped out and told you what you know now, would you have listened? ~ Carmen Maria Machado

Outside much has changed. I don't know how. But inside and before you, O my God, inside before you, spectator, are we not without action? We discover, indeed, that we do not know our part, we look for a mirror, we want to rub off the make-up and remove the counterfeit and be real. But somewhere a bit of mummery still sticks to us that we forget. A trace of exaggeration remains in our eyebrows, we do not notice that the corners of our lips are twisted. And thus we go about, a laughing-stock, a mere half-thing: neither existing, not actors. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke