Humour Humor Quotes

Would you really have ... ?" said Julien.
"Almost certainly," I said. "I have deep-seated problems with authority figures."
"But you are one!"
"I know! I can only assume the universe has a really mean sense of humour. ~ Simon R. Green

You know how to pray, don't you? Just put your hands together and hope. ~ Terry Pratchett

Everybody fancies they have that rare thing, a sense of humour. ~ Olivia Robertson

Dip your halo in sincerity and glow with integrity. ~ Tim Rees

You mean that because I have no name I cannot die and that you cannot be held answerable for death even if you kill me?"
"That is about the size of it," said the Sergeant.
I felt so sad and so entirely disappointed that tears came into my eyes and a lump of incommunicable poignancy swelled tragically in my throat. I began to feel intensely every fragment of my equal humanity. The life that was bubbling at the end of my fingers was real and nearly painful in intensity and so was the beauty of my warm face and the loose humanity of my limbs and the racy health of my red rich blood. To leave it all without good reason and to smash the little empire into small fragments was a thing too pitiful even to refuse to think about. ~ Flann O'Brien

Fell?' he asked. 'Or was pushed?'

Anton shrugged again. 'It hardly makes a difference,' he said, 'when you are the man at the bottom of the stairs. ~ Michael Montoure

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. ~ Steven Wright

Word of the day- kakistocracy. From the Greek meaning government by the worst persons, least qualified or most unprincipled. ~ Peggy Noonan

This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed. ~ Lemony Snicket

A lot of people say, 'Hey, God doesn't have a sense of humor.' Yes, He does. God has a great sense of humor. ~ Si Robertson

New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It's a bed, not an obstacle course. I'm sorry, baby, I'd like to make sweet love to you all night long, but by the time I get all that crap off your bed, I'm exhausted. A bed needs only two pillows: one to put my head on, and one to cuddle with and pretend it's Robert Pattinson. ~ Bill Maher

When I said I'd follow you to hell and back, I wasn't trying to be literal, princess. ~ Julie Kagawa

The Money River, where the wealth of the nation flows. We were born on the banks of it-and so were most of the mediocre people we grew up with, went to private schools with, sailed and played tennis with. We can slurp from that mighty river to our hearts' content. And we can even take slurping lessons, so we can slurp more efficiently. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Everything's temporary...until it's not. ~ Renata Suerth

Hello? Hello, Mom. No, of course you didn't wake me. Don't you know? I often engage in Monday morning orgies In fact, as you called, I was just enjoying an especially thorough rogering from two men named Paolo and Butch. ~ Diana Peterfreund

Phoebe doesn't quite believe in fate the way I do. She says you have to chase your destiny, and she always expects life to be like a romantic comedy: all you have to do is dress the part of the heroine, and pretty soon you'll be kissing some hottie while fountains spew and music swells in the background. ~ Lauren Morrill

Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded ~ Yogi Berra

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it. ~ Bill Hicks

Thou art hunger, yo. Make with the starvation. ~ Jackie Morse Kessler

And dear, if you should someday become famous, don't write a cookbook. ~ Lauren Graham

They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion). ~ Hanya Yanagihara

I'd be looking at some stony sculpture Michelangelo would have killed his grandmother to be able to do, and thinking, I don't know that color, that color doesn't exist, but like wow. ~ Robin McKinley

He lies down next to me.
He says, 'You know - you have a face to die for/'
'Well, don't die,' I say, we just met. ~ Gwendoline Riley

Christ, you could massacre half a Hindu village and still look like Peter Rabbit. What are you stuffed with?"
"Chocolate bars. And I keep six kinds of ice-cream in my icebox, when I can afford it. ~ Ray Bradbury

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. ~ Ambrose Bierce

I swung the door open and relaxed. She wasn't there. I stepped in and shut the door behind me. I had promised God I wouldn't touch anything. I'd just look at what was lying around. If Jane Eyre had only looked around a little, she might have saved herself a lot of heartache. ~ Annie Barrows

If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business. ~ Barbara Kingsolver

Cricket nodded apologetically. She ripped the blankets back and hopped off her bed. Enkai snorted out a laugh, and it took her a moment to realize she wasn't wearing pants. ~ Ash Gray

Texas sharpshooter fallacy: Imagine that you are driving down a country road in Texas. You see a barn that has six targets painted on it, and a bullet hole at the very center of each target. "Yes sir," says the owner of the barn, "I never miss." "That's right," says his spouse, "there ain't a man in the state of Texas who's more accurate with a paint brush." Got it? He fired the six shots, and then painted the targets around them. ~ John V. Guttag

So, it's the ever popular Firstborn Child of Doom prophecy,huh, ice-boy? How very cliche. Why can't it ever be the third nephew twice removed who's fated to destroy the worls?
Iron Prophecy: The Iron Fey~ Puck ~ Julie Kagawa

Good news is, we're annoying him. Bad news is, we're all going to die painfully. ~ Brandy Nacole

Yes, word had gotten around about my amusing little defeathering trick (note: made the chicken naked). Apparently we couldn't just eat the poor thing and be done with it. Apparently we had to knit cunning lil' sweaters for it so it could squawk around the yard, feeling fancy. ~ Cate Tiernan

But my head is splitting in two!"
"It's doing a remarkably neat job since I can't see so much as a seam. ~ Anne Elisabeth Stengl

All right," Mom said. She gave Samuel a stern look,"Now I don't know what's going on between you and my daughter and Adam Hauptman-"
"Neither do we," I muttered
Samuel grinned "We have it pretty well worked out as far as the sex goes. Adam gets it-someday-and I don't. But the rest is still up for negotiation. ~ Patricia Briggs

Dear friend…'

The Witcher swore quietly, looking at the sharp, angular, even runes drawn with energetic sweeps of the pen, faultlessly reflecting the author's mood. He felt once again the desire to try to bite his own backside in fury. When he was writing to the sorceress a month ago he had spent two nights in a row contemplating how best to begin. Finally, he had decided on "Dear friend." Now he had his just deserts.

'Dear friend, your unexpected letter – which I received not quite three years after we last saw each other – has given me much joy. My joy is all the greater as various rumours have been circulating about your sudden and violent death. It is a good thing that you have decided to disclaim them by writing to me; it is a good thing, too, that you are doing so so soon. From your letter it appears that you have lived a peaceful, wonderfully boring life, devoid of all sensation. These days such a life is a real privilege, dear friend, and I am happy that you have managed to achieve it.

I was touched by the sudden concern which you deigned to show as to my health, dear friend. I hasten with the news that, yes, I now feel well; the period of indisposition is behind me, I have dealt with the difficulties, the description of which I shall not bore you with. It worries and troubles me very much that the unexpected present you received from Fate brings you worries. Your supposition that this requires professional help is absolutely correct. ~ Andrzej Sapkowski

And even if he weren't, a person can't hold on to another person forever. At some point, their muscles give out, or the authorities get called. ~ Rachel M. Wilson

It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason. ~ Jon Stewart

The sleds accelerated quickly as they glided effortlessly over the smooth ice. We had never before experienced such a quick, easy slide. usually we wished we could push ourselves to make our sleds go faster. But not this time. The crystals of ice started flying past at an incredible rate of speed. No longer aware of where my sister and her sled were, all I could see was raw ice whizzing by ten inches under my chin at a rate of speed I never imagined I would experience on a sled. I felt like I was flying! ~ Daniel Boerman

Ira was scowling at her, but Lily refused to be judged by a cat. ~ Jewels5

My life was over, finished, and I'd never seen Pearl Jam play live ~ Kristen Ashley

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS. ~ Sarah Silverman

A jealous woman does better Research than the FBI. ~ Aetiyuel Williams

So, what did you learn?
Curiosity asked the Cat, then
poked her carcass with a stick. ~ Katerina Stoykova Klemer