Humor Watch Quotes

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? ~ Steven Wright

They didn't let you bring marijuana on airplanes, apparently, as hard as that was to believe. ~ Allie Burke

The worst day of my life, what do you think!? ~ Napoleon Dynamite

Just because someone's a pain in the ass in life, doesn't mean when they're dead, we shouldn't be respectful. ~ M. Judeth Nelson

His stomach growled again. He couldn't remember ever being this hungry. A little brown spider scurried between his shoes. He snatched it up, shoved it in his mouth, chewed, swallowed. Wait. That's not right. Allen strongly suspected he needed to be rescued. ~ Victor Gischler

PREFACE PROBLEM: Nobody reads prefaces.
SOLUTION: Call the preface Chapter 1.
NEW PROBLEM CREATED BY SOLUTION: Chapter 1 is boring.
RESOLUTION: Throw away Chapter 1 and call Chapter 2 Chapter 1. ~ Gerald M. Weinberg

Yeah, but I want to take a look at your little peashooter. It's kinda cute."
"It's a gun," Brenda said.
Lula pulled her Glock out of her bag and aimed it at Brenda. "Bitch, this is a gun. It could put a hole in you big enough to drive a truck through. ~ Janet Evanovich

Many complain of their looks, few of their brains. ~ Sally Koslow

But now he felt as if the whole world were tipping backwards over his head, and this, he couldn't help feeling, was a very worrying thing for the world to do. ~ Douglas Adams

Our sizable group was scattered among three different tables, and because the restaurant was a bit noisy, the kids' table didn't hear Alan lead us in the blessing. So Miss Kay went over to their table and led Mia and her cousins in their own prayer, thanking God for the food and asking Him to watch over Mia the next morning. After she finished, she asked the girls if they wanted to add anything. Mia said that she did. They all bowed their heads while Mia prayed for Mrs. Cathy, a dear friend of ours who was recovering from a recent mastectomy and undergoing chemotherapy for stage two breast cancer.
Miss Kay came over to me and Jase with tears in her eyes, recounting what Mia had prayed. "I just assumed she was going to pray for herself, but she prayed for Cathy instead."
When I told Miss Kay that we pray for Cathy each night at bedtime, Kay said, "Well, I guess Mia thought there was no reason that this night should be any different."
She also mentioned that she asked Mia if she was nervous about the next day.
"Not really" was Mia's response.
"But what do you feel?" Miss Kay asked her.
"Nothing. I just don't feel anything, really."
I guess I would interpret her response simply as Mia being at peace. ~ Missy Robertson

I love fairies. For dinner. - Varian ~ Bridget Blackwood

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait. ~ Jess C. Scott

Friends humor and flatter us, they steal our time, they encourage our love of ease, they make us content with ourselves, they are the foes of our virtue and our glory. ~ John Lancaster Spalding

Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment. ~ Charles Dickens

I belong to the 8% of the world population who calm their apprehension by drowning it in numbers. ~ Muriel Barbery

To Your eyes a thousand years are like yesterday come and gone, no more than a watch in the night.
You sweep men away like a dream, like grass which springs up in the morning.
In the morning it springs up and flowers, by evening it withers and fades.
So we are destroyed in Your anger, struck with terror in Your fury.
Our guilt lies open before You; our secrets in the light of Your face.
All our days pass away in Your anger. Our life is over like a sigh.
Our span is seventy years or eighty for those who are strong. And most of these are emptiness and pain, they pass swiftly and we are gone. ~ Psalm 89

So often do you see collegians enter life with high resolve and lofty purpose and then watch them shrink and shrink to sordid, selfish, shrewd plodders, full of distrust and sneers. ~ W.E.B. Du Bois

Life is a conundrum of esoterica. ~ Lemony Snicket

Irri and Jhiqui argued about Rakharo. "You are too skinny for him," Jhiqui was saying. "You are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known." Irri bristled back. "It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows. ~ George R R Martin

What exactly does that expression even mean? An ass that won't quit? Think about the primary function of an ass - I'd think that's the sort of thing you might want to quit. ~ Nicki Elson

If you jotted down all of my ill-thought out comments, you could write a book entitled, Guide to Getting Punched in the Throat for Boneheads-Mad Hatter in "Death of the Mad Hatter" (Coming Soon!) ~ Sarah J. Pepper

I never felt so fervently thankful, so soothed, so tranquil, so filled with a blessed peace, as I did yesterday when I learned that Michael Angelo was dead. ~ Mark Twain

The ignorant ever shun and dread the gifted and enlightened. ~ Francis Alexander Durivage

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts ... er ... keep it to yourself. ~ Kingsley Amis

I'm prone to paper cuts. ~ Abigail Roux

Her eyes winded. "I'm becoming addicted to you?."
He raised an eyebrow. "You say it like it's a bad thing. ~ Michelle Rowen

Germ of endearment ~ E. Nesbit

Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle. ~ Heather Brewer

Napoleon, when hearing about Laplace's latest book, said, 'M. Laplace, they tell me you have written this large book on the system of the universe, and have never even mentioned its creator.'

Laplace responds, 'Je n'avais pas besoin de cette hypothèse-là. (I had no need of that hypothesis.) ~ Pierre-Simon Laplace

And you're an author?" Richard asked, knowing very well that Graham was indeed G.M. Russell. "I'm sorry, I'm not exactly sure I've heard of your novels. I don't think I've ever read anything you've published." He was being oddly aggressive, making the whole situation uncomfortable.
"That's fine," Graham responded. "Enough other people have, so your lack of awareness doesn't inflict any damage on my success. ~ Brittainy C. Cherry

Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol. ~ Bauvard

Tell Robb that I'm going to command the Night's Watch and keep him safe, so he might as well take up needlework with the girls and have Mikken melt down his sword for horseshoes.
- Jon Snow ~ George R R Martin

Did you let him know that if he can't see fit to return your blow job immediately, you will have no choice but to sue? ~ Meg Cabot

Your daughters will leave this school as confident, resilient young women." Ms. Byrne was off, delivering the private school party line. Resilience. What crap. No kid was going to go to school in a place that looked like freaking Buckingham Palace and come out of it resilient. She should be honest: "Your daughter will leave this school with a grand sense of entitlement that will serve her well in life; she'll find it especially useful on Sydney roads. ~ Liane Moriarty

When I'm making an American film, it's more safe because there are so many people on the set to watch me. Whatever I do, they say, 'What are you doing!? Tell me first!' There are so many restrictions. ~ Jackie Chan